You’re not alone, it’s not the end.

You’re not alone, it’s not the end.

580 13

The first time I experienced sexual abuse, I couldn’t have been any older than 5. It wasn’t excessive, nor did it last. Just a few red flag touches from a family member who I never saw again. The next time I was 11, I remember because I just got my period that year. That was the year my step-brother told me I was turning into a “woman”. My mom had been cheating on my dad for years with the man who is now my stepdad. We knew them for years. The abuse didn’t start until my mom decided to move in with them, and my sister and I were dragged along. Being young and naive, you mistake attention for genuine affection. He made me feel wanted, pretty. As a young girl affirmation matters. At 13, I moved in with my grandmother. I never looked back. I was fortunate to have a teacher notice a change in behavior and directed me to the schools councilor where I received services for a few years. Though I had some one to talk to, the fact that I felt so much guilt never left me. I was never able to tell my family. I never completed high school, and I spent a great part of my adult life drowning the sorrows in alcohol, in secret. I thought for sure I’d never be in that situation again, and then I met him…. Let’s call him, king, because for a year’s he ruled my life. He was a close friend to the father of my children. We talked behind his back for a while, though it was innocent, we bonded. Then, my kids dad and I had a horrible break up because of it. King and I continued to be friends. He filled my head with delusions for years. He would tell me how important I was. Worthy of him and beautiful. He would use his love of God against me. As my beliefs were different, and if I walked in his footsteps, I’d be good enough for him. I didn’t know I was being used. I chased after him like a little girl thinking one day he would be mine. Then the night came. He finally invited me over to his new place, as he finally got a place of his own. He was as crazy as he was beautiful. Making me wait to be with him, playing mind games. When I got there he had my favorite kind of alcohol and my favorite band playing. We began drinking, talking, and laughing as we always did. He then told me I looked tense and he had something that could help me relax. He was in the medical field and I trusted him. I took the pills. Of course, 2 didn’t do anything to me. As the night went on he prompted I take 2 more. I don’t remember giving consent or not, but I took them. Made 4 in total on top of all the alcohol. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up with panties in hand, in his car on my way home. He left me there, half conscious. I never went to pick up my kids that day. I woke up to police pounding their fists on my door. After a week I had the worked up the nerve to ask him what happened, he laughed at me. And I’ll never forget these next words, “what do you think happened?” I replied that I didn’t know. The last thing he said to me was, “I guess you’ll never know.” I’ll never know and sometimes, I stay awake at night and cry. I fear for my children when they are not by my side. Fear that someone they know could betray them. I wish now, that I had told someone, that I had gotten support then. Someone to tell me it’s not my fault. Someone to help me pursue legal action. It took me a year to remind myself that it’s not my fault. I was taken advantage of, and that alcohol won’t help. Support helps. A shoulder to cry on helps. Knowing that you’re not alone helps. If any of you ever feel alone. Reach out to someone. You don’t have to tell them every detail all at once, but please let someone know you’re hurting. Don’t let it consume you like I did. Your strength comes from accepting and letting yourself heal. I’m here if you need to reach out to someone. Much love, Jay
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13 comments

  1. Ashley Day Captain

    Hi Jay,

    Thank you for opening up about what you’ve experienced.
    Although the sexual abuse at age five wasn’t inordinate and it didn’t last long, I get the impression it affected you and it continues to – You mentioned you don’t want anyone to betray your children, which is understandable.
    I’m thankful you never crossed paths with that family member again.

    It sounds like your grandmother’s home was a safe haven, and it’s wonderful you took your well-being into consideration and moved in with her.
    Having someone to confide in when something traumatic happens can make life feel a bit easier. I’m sorry you carried guilt with you. You had the strength to get through that dark period of your life and that says a lot about your character.

    It’s not abnormal you thought King was trustworthy. After all, he was a close friend to the father of your children. It wasn’t okay for King to encourage you to take pills when you weren’t in a position to give consent since you were under the influence. His responses to your questions were appalling and he’s awful for making it seem like his actions weren’t serious.

    Stay well! <3

    1. Jjmac72 Volunteer

      I don’t think there will ever be a day where I don’t think about these men and wonder if I could have done something different, but everyday I think about it less and less. I let that rage and guilt consume my life for way too long. That’s giving them power they don’t deserve. I have seen my stepbrother a few times. His life is in ruins. Poor choice after poor choice, I pity him. I live a life I have taken for granted for far to long. I’m going to forgive and be free.
      Thank you for your kind words, Ashley! You’re a beautiful soul. ?

  2. Marissa Day Captain

    Jay,

    I’m so sorry that you were taken advantage of like that. King seems to know exactly how to manipulate people, and that’s scary to think about. All you can do at this point is remind yourself that you’re a survivor. You got through it. The experience made you stronger. I’m really glad to hear that you’ve come to all of these realizations and are able to recognize your own strength.

    Thanks for sharing ?

    1. Jjmac72 Volunteer

      Survivor ? I like that. So strong and empowering. All I can do is learn from this and use it to help me grow as a person.

  3. Bethany Volunteer

    Hi Jay,

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. You aren’t at fault for taking the pills, it’s his fault for giving them to you. He had a facade of a lovely evening and hurt you. I’m sorry he taunts you and that you’re never going to get to know what happened. Don’t think this makes you any less of a person, any less of a mom. I am inspired by your willingness to help others and reach out for support. Never lose that, and let us know when it gets hard. We will be here.

    Bethany

    1. Jjmac72 Volunteer

      Your kind words are most appreciated!!! I’m learning to find peace in my life by sharing my story and reaching out to those who are suffering. ?

  4. Kristen Eby

    Hey Jay. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I’m so sorry someone you trusted and loved hurt you this way. You didn’t deserve this. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was not your fault. What he did was wrong and criminal. He drugged you, he coerced you, he took advantage of you. You could’ve taken 30 pills and it still wouldn’t have been your fault. He preyed upon your feelings and your vulnerabilities and it was 100% not okay.

    I’m proud of you for coming so far, and for sharing your story with us. You can absolutely heal; you already are! Have you considered talking to a professional about this? I know it isn’t for everyone, but therapy helped me a lot after I was sexually assaulted. Whatever steps are next in your healing, know you always have us. We accept you and we believe in you.

    1. Jjmac72 Volunteer

      Thank you for your kind words. It’s nice to not be seen as the victim or as the instigator. As far as seekin professional help, I think for now, I’m ok. I put my efforts into helping others. I recently volunteered to AVFTI, and I didn’t feel right not sharing my own story. I forgave myself for everything that has happened in my life. I use the pain that does linger to motivate me in finding peace. ?

      1. Kristen Eby

        Jay, I’m so happy you’ve joined our team and are in a good place now. Thank you again for sharing your story with us and if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out.

  5. CarmenR Volunteer

    Jay,

    Thank you for sharing with us. I am so unbelievably sorry for all that you have been through. I’m sorry that your stepbrother and this man you considered a friend hurt you. You didn’t deserve this. Do you still want to pursue legal action, or are there other resources, such as a counselor, that you would want? Please let us know, and we can provide you with these. Thank you again for sharing.

    Carmen

    1. Jjmac72 Volunteer

      Thank you for reaching out and commenting. I appreciate it. It’s hard to not feel at fault sometimes, but it gets better day by day. I forgave myself now just waiting on time to heal. ?

  6. Erin Day Captain

    Hi Jay,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story with us. I am so sorry for what happened to you. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve it. Do you still want help with other resources, such as legal action or counselors? We can help you with that if you would like. Please let us know how else we can help you.

    Erin

    1. Jjmac72 Volunteer

      I feel like putting myself through that, would hinder my progress. I know it would absolutely be the right thing to do, but a he said, she said case sounds like a mess. I’ve thought about writing him a letter to tell him how what he did affected my state of mind and my life, but that doesn’t seem realistic either. Thank you for reaching out. ?