I’ve always found it difficult to articulate anything about my abuse.
Every time I’ve tried to write something down or let someone know my brain fogs up and I become so overwhelmed that I end up avoiding it.
I think for a long time I had Capital D denial.
If I never talked about it, or thought about it then maybe it never existed in the first place?
My memories are so fragmented from my childhood that sometimes I can truely convince myself that they can’t be real.
But recently more and more bits and pieces have been coming back to me. The house I was abused in was put up for sale and by chance the real estate listing popped up on my Facebook feed.
I knew it wouldn’t be good for me to open it but I felt like I had to.
I flicked through the pictures and I was overwhelmed with so many feelings that I thought I might vomit.
From 10 to 12 I was molested by my mums ex boyfriend.
He threatened me that if I told anyone he would kill my mother and it would be all my fault.
He was a very violent abusive man so I believed him.
At the time I was being severely bullied at school and I had started self harming. It disgusted him and he used that against me too. Saying he would tell my mum and she would be so disappointed in me if I didn’t keep our secrets.
He would buy me presents if I was a “good girl“. A fender guitar when I took up music, a puppy our family hadn’t spoken about getting, I got to pick the puppy’s name, the colour of his Ute, the colour we redid the carpet when we renovated. He painted my room bubble gum purple because it was a colour I loved (Now every time I see something that colour I want to throw up). All these things made me feel special. He had control of everything in our household, but In some small way I felt I did too.
My feelings were so confusing. I was simultaneously afraid of him and in admiration of him.
The abuse finally stopped when my mum was able to obtain a restraining order after he physically attacked her. Unfortunately he contested this in court and the restraining order was lifted. Her breakup did not go over well and he demanded half of everything she owned.
My mum is the sweetest kindest lady I know, but she is deathly afraid of the courthouse and it all become too stressful for her to continue fighting. In the end she paid him off to have the restraining order reinstated.
The stress of the whole relationship and legal battle severely messed with her mental and physical health. She was highly suicidal and ended up having a stroke when I was 15. She couldn’t walk, talk or remember who I was. It was a very difficult time but I am happy to say that she has now recovered a lot of her abilities although there will always be remaining effects of the stroke.
I never told anyone, even after he was out of my life. I thought it would be too much for my mum to handle so I just tucked it away in the depths of my mind and went on with my life.
When I was 17 I became very depressed and suicidal. I moved away for university with my boyfriend and one night when I was very drunk I told him. I didn’t mean to, it just slipped out. We didn’t talk further about it but a week later I had a concerning call from my mum. He had told her what I said because he was worried about my safety. Even though I know what he did came from a caring place I was so angry.
It wasn’t his story to share and I felt like my life was completely out of control. I wasn’t ready to deal with the trauma, I wasn’t ready to admit it happened. I ended up dropping out of uni and spent 6 months in a psychiatric unit. My mum assumed I had worked through it when I was there but I refused to talk about it.
It’s been 5 years since then and I am only now feeling more open to working through it.
I’m so nervous and I desperately crave a sense of community. Where I live there are no support groups for this kind of thing and I have felt so lonely this past year.
I think finally sharing part of my story on here is the first step of many in my healing journey. I am nervous and afraid of the feelings yet to come but I don’t want him to have control over my life anymore. He has done too much damage and I’m ready to take my life back.
So thanks for letting me ramble…