Will it get better?

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Lately, a lot of bits and pieces from the relationship have been surfacing. 

One in particular where he ended up pulling my hair to the point where I cried out in pain and him saying “Now you know how it feels” but we always goofed off and told each other whether we liked it or not. That time, it felt like absolute abuse and power. 

Flashbacks of his mom hitting me, flashbacks of him yelling and me hitting myself, flashbacks of him holding a knife to his neck and saying he’s going to slit his throat…I don’t know how much longer I can take of this torment. I have good days, but I’m getting to my breaking point.


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33 comments

  1. alexiswilliams

    Jamie,
    You are strong for sharing your story. I hate that you had to endure these things, and that you seem to be reliving them through flaskbacks. I’m sure that coping with this trauma can feel really heavy sometimes. Please remember that you are strong and valued, and that you have a purpose. You did not deserve the things that have happened in your past, but you are a survivor which is amazing. Remember that this is a safe space and that you are always welcome here.
    Sending love and strength,
    Lex

  2. jlanderos16 Volunteer

    Hey Jamie,
    Thank you for sharing with us!
    Flashbacks are a horrible thing. And you shouldn’t be rethinking it everyday about the horrible things he did to you! When flashbacks accord to you again, just think about a happy time you had and it would help you to distract yourself or even go out for a walk. But we are here to help you and show you a positive path.

  3. cindy024 Volunteer

    Hi, Jamie Marie,
    Flashbacks, are a horrible thing, mostly on how this happened to you. I hear you, and I believe you. Going through these things isn’t easy. It’s very challenging and I hope that you’re able to find out a lot of detailed information on the resources accessed to you.

  4. pianogirl44 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    Thank you for the update, I just read your last post about your physically abusive ex. I think that flashbacks are such a horrible thing to experience since they can re-traumatize you in some ways. It’s hard because it can make the pain feel new. I’m so sorry that you had to experience the abuse in the first place. It is an understatement to say that more needs to be done for victims of inter-partner violence and abuse. You are probably asking yourself: Why did this person who is supposed to love, care, and protect me abuse me in this way? This is a valid question to be asking. It is also important to note that we all have our good days and bad days. Sometimes those bad days can make everything seem truly horrible. Like other volunteers have mentioned, I think it is important to find a hobby, safe-place, or safe-person to pre-occupy yourself or serve as an outlet for when these memories do pop into your mind. Finding a hobby can be particularly helpful since you can use that activity to cope with past traumas. Being in a safe environment with a safe-person (someone who you can trust and accepts and validate your feelings and emotions) can help you cope with past and present traumas.

    I encourage you to keep posting if it is something that you find helpful and will aid in your healing.

  5. rohina_kumar Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    Thank you for coming back on here and updating us. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of these things; I can’t imagine how traumatizing that entire experience must have been for you. These flashbacks can become very overwhelming. If you feel like you’re getting to your breaking point, our “Resources” tab is always available to you, or please text VOICE to 741741. Furthermore, I’d also recommend booking an appointment with a therapist or any mental health professional, so you can process these thoughts and flashbacks in a healthier manner – one that does not adversely affect you emotionally. We are ALWAYS here to support you through your healing journey, no matter how difficult life gets. Hang in there and feel free to come on here and update us at any time. We’re always ready to listen and validate. All the love xx

  6. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for coming back with some updates. From what I gather he certainly took it too far with that hair pull. It’s certainly one thing to jokingly lightly tug a friend or significant others’ hair, but one shouldn’t be causing pain, and should really only do so if the other person has made it clear that they feel comfortable with you doing so. You are right, it certainly feels more like an abuse of power. I promise it will get better. I promise. There are definitely dark days but there are such amazing ones ahead. There are so many reasons to keep pushing. We all love you so much.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  7. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m really sorry to hear about the flashbacks you’ve been having. They sound really upsetting. I hope since you’ve posted you haven’t been experiencing them any longer. I’m glad you reached out here because there’s always a group of people ready to respond to you and help you through. Forgive me for forgetting if you have been seeing a therapist of not, but it sounds like one could help you with processing all the flashbacks. I don’t want you to have to continue to go through this, but I know you have the strength to get through it. We are always here for you!

  8. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for updating us on how you are doing. I’m sorry to hear about all the flashbacks you’re having. I hope it’s gotten better for you since you posted this, and I hope you can find a professional or someone you trust to talk through this with. We support you and are always here to listen.

  9. Lex Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for sharing with us again. I am sorry to hear about these flashbacks you have been getting recently. You did not deserve what you went through! Have you been able to, or thought about talking to a professional or some close family/friends about this? It may help you sort through these flashbacks and emotions. I know it may feel like you are reaching your breaking point, but know that you are strong and will get through this!

    We are here for you, always!
    – Lex

  10. Ashley Day Captain

    Jamie Marie,

    The bits and pieces from the relationship that are coming up seem painful to confront.
    Nobody should cause you to cry out in pain; it’s understandable how that particular time made you think about abuse and power.
    It has been a few days since you posted this and I hope the flashbacks have emerged less. I wish you didn’t have to experience them.

    You are safe here.

    Ashley

  11. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for sharing with us again. I’m so sorry you’re having these flashbacks. I can’t remember – have you been seeing a professional? They might be able to help you unpack all of these memories and give you suggestions on how to handle them when they do happen. Please let us know if we can help you in any way. We are here for you and I hope you know that.

    Marissa

  12. lizzi

    Hi Jamie,
    I’m sorry that you’re having some flashbacks of the relationship. Those are some very scary memories that I can imagine are bringing up some really difficult feelings and emotions. You shouldn’t have had to live through those moments the first time, and you shouldn’t have to relive them again in your memories. What he did was definitely abuse, and it’s understandable that you’re having a hard time coping with it. I see some other people posted really great suggestions for how to distract yourself when those flashbacks happen, and those are all really great ideas. It doesn’t make what happened go away, but it’ll help you to not focus on it as much. It’s normal to have flashbacks, but you deserve help and support for dealing with them. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you. We care about you and want to support you while you’re going through this.

  13. haesol Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    Thank you for the update. Flashbacks sometimes feel so real that the pain feels brand new, it’s tough, but it’s also just a memory. I’m sorry you’ve been having those memories and that they’ve been giving you a hard time. Please try to remember you’re safe now and they can’t harm you physically anymore. Have you thought of getting a hobby or finding a safe place? it can serve as an outlet for when you get those memories; like drawing, making bracelets, listening to music… it can help to distract you. It’s up to you, though, I hope that it gets better soon.
    Having bad moments in the middle of good days is normal and it’s fine, it doesn’t mean you’re regressing or that you’re not doing okay. Healing isn’t a linear process, it has its up and downs, and so far you’ve been doing great.
    I wish you the best, and I hope you stay safe.
    We’re here for you.
    -sol.

  14. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Jamie Marie,

    It’s great to see your name back up here, sharing your feelings takes a lot of courage. I’m sorry to hear about all of these recent flashbacks. They sound very difficult to endure especially for a long period of time. I know that must have been a difficult and confusing relationship for you, and I’m glad that your physically safe and out of harms way now. I know it may feel like you’re getting to a breaking point, but I know you’re strong and you’ll be able to make it through this and make it through anything.

  15. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Jamie

    i am so sorry you are dealing with flashback right now. you didn’t deserve any of the pain he and his family had put you through. We are always here for you and know better things are ahead. Please come back any time to share again.

  16. musicislove

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so many flashbacks right now. You didn’t deserve any of the pain he and his family put you through and I’m sorry you’re struggling with it. You deserve to feel happy and safe and content. I know feeling like you’re coming to a breaking point is so hard to deal with but you have gotten through so much and are so strong, you can do this. We’re always here for you and please know you have so much life left to live and so many better things ahead of you. Please come back any time to share again, we’re always here for support. Sending you love and strength.

    Delaney

  17. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    It certainly can get better. I’m sorry that you’re still struggling with all of these flashbacks. Remind yourself that you’re safe and this is just your brain working through these experiences as part of the healing process. I know it can be a lot and bring you to a breaking point, but hang in there.

    KatherineL

  18. Solongago Volunteer

    I think that writing this stuff down like you have can be very helpful. I am hoping that it does help in processing the trauma of the relationship. Remember that you are safe now, and when these memories come through, maybe making a conscious effort to do something relaxing or interesting or healthy or fun for you will take away some of their power. A funny thing happens when we do good things for ourselves. We start knowing that we deserve good things, we deserve people who will build us up rather than tear us down. It’s hard, but the way past this stuff is through it, not around it. The good news is that when we process the trauma and the feelings, we open for ourselves a much brighter future. We’re rooting for you here.

  19. Neesha Volunteer

    Jamie Marie,
    It can get better. It is a hard road and we each have our own paths of recovery. Flashbacks are exhausting. Remember the trauma, even when you have good days, can lead us to breaking points. Thank you for sharing with us. I recommend taking care of yourself and try to be gentle with yourself. Please write to us whenever you need.

  20. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,
    I hear you’re feeling tormented by these flashbacks, and I can’t imagine how exhausted you must feel. I agree with the other volunteers. I think it can be helpful to have an easily accessible list of things that help you feel calm. To answer your question in the title, I think it can get better, and each of us has a different path. Healing may not be easy, but I believe it’s worth it.
    Thank you for updating us. I encourage you to take some time for self care and be compassionate with yourself. I believe you’re doing the best you can. We’re always here for you, so please write back whenever you need anything. I’m sending you love.

  21. Breanna Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for coming back with an update. I am so sorry these flashbacks are arising. I know it can be very distressing, and it sounds like these flashbacks are particularly painful and hard to cope with. Is there anything we can do to help? I know it can feel very hard right now, but try to remember to take care of and be kind to yourself. We are here for you and we care about you.

    Sending much love and support,
    Bre

  22. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,
    Thank you for reaching out. Having to relive those painful moments over and over must be exhausting. It is understandable that you feel you are at a breaking point. If you are able, can you think of things have helped you feel calm and safe in the past? If so, are you able to do them now when these flashbacks begin to happen? Healing is different for everyone, as you know, so answering your question can be difficult. Keep taking care of yourself and doing whatever it is that moves your journey forward. You have come a long way and we are here to support you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  23. Starling Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I’m sorry that you had to deal with this. You didn’t deserve this and it wasn’t your fault. It must be incredibly exhausting to deal with these flashbacks. Try to remember that these are just memories, and that you are safe now. He is not able to treat you like that anymore. If you need to talk to someone, you can always text VOICE to 741-741. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  24. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for sharing, and for your honesty, that takes a lot of courage. I’m sorry that you’ve been having these painful memories, I can’t imagine how devastating and draining it must be. It sounds like you’re in a painful place and you deserve to have some peace. Would you be willing to take some time to care for yourself today? Also if you ever feel overwhelmed by everything and need to talk to someone text VOICE to 741-741 or reach out back here. We’re always here for you and you deserve support!

    Wishing you all the best,
    -Rachel

  25. zelda Volunteer

    Hi, Jamie, thank you for posting your thoughts. We appreciate your honesty and bravery. It takes a lot of courage to open up about our struggles.

    I understand how you feel. Flashbacks are no joke. They suck. Do you have anyone you can talk to about your mental health? For me, just venting to a loved one makes me feel a little bit better. Also, what helps is getting my aggression out; I’ll punch a beanbag or a pillow, for example.

    If it is an option, try trauma therapy (if you haven’t already). I’ve just started the Flash Technique (an EMDR variation). I don’t know if it has helped me or not, but I do know that I’m getting a tiny bit better about being more assertive and utilizing coping mechanisms. The latter doesn’t bring my stress level down to a 0, but it does lesson the anxiety I feel.

    Hang in there. Sometimes, as survivors of domestic violence and abuse, we experience bad days, weeks, even months. Be kind to yourself. And remember how strong and resilient you are.

    ☮️

  26. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I’m so sorry that these flashbacks are happening. Just remember that you are safe and he can’t hurt you anymore. These are just bad memories. Talking about them can help you so they might not happen as much. We are here for you if you need anything. Thank you for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  27. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Jamie Marie,

    I know the hard days can be really rough – but it does get better. You have been sharing your journey with us for awhile and I have seen your progress – you have been pushing through to get to your best place. I’m curious if you have a safe place you can be when these thoughts surface, just so you can feel physically safe. I hear you that you are getting to your breaking point – that is completely understandable. Just keep working those positive thoughts and vibes. You can work through this – you are not alone.

    Sending you light,
    SFM

  28. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I am sorry to hear that parts of your past relationship have been resurfacing. That must be very difficult and scary to experience. Is there anything we can do to help you? As always, you can check out our find help tab if you would like to look at some resources or you can text VOICE to 741-741 any time 24/7 to text with a trained counselor. We are here for you always! Please come back and post as much (or as little) as you would like!

    Sending hope and strength!
    -Natalie

  29. Rustin Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Memories that resurface can be tremendously painful. I am sorry that you are experiencing this. When the memories come back they can bring back the exact same feelings that you had at that time. It might be helpful to make a list of things to distract you and keep it someplace easy to access like on your phone. When you are having these memories, it can be difficult to think about other things to do and this list will come in handy. Think about hobbies that made you feel relaxed. My go-to’s are playing video games and watching humorous shows like Friends or Fresh Prince. Some people like to color or reach articles on their phones. Going for a walk if possible is always helpful as well. I don’t know if you are currently in counseling, but this might be something to look into to help understand why these memories are coming back. Keep us updated. Remember that you are never alone. You can always reach out to us and refer to our resources tab if you are considering any extra help.

    -Rustin

  30. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie!
    It’s always good to hear updates. Thanks! I hear your pain! The struggle of dealing with memories & flashbacks from something that hurt us are etched into our brain. It takes a long time to over come these. You are an over comer! Take some deep breaths. You will work through these. It takes a lot of strength & courage to be able to fight battles such as the ones you face. I was reminded of this recently, these flashbacks are simply that, flashbacks. It’s so hard to put up the stop sign to your brain, or flip the switch to off, but with some self care techniques, (meditation, mindfulness (being aware or surroundings using your senses), deep breathing, relaxation, journaling) , you can regain control & have a brighter day. It’ so hard to utilize any techniques when you feel the waves crashing in. You didn’t deserve any of what happened, but as I said before, you do deserve to be free & not have these flashbacks take over! Sometimes, finding a distraction helps refocus, then those flashbacks won’t seem so over powering! You can do this! Take each day & go minute by minute. Sometimes that’s all we can do. Reach out again if you need to!
    Dawn

  31. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m so sorry you are experiencing these flashbacks. They can be really frustrating and confusing, even scary at points. You mention that you are close to a breaking point, perhaps, if you feel that you can’t do this alone, you could check out our Find Help tab for some resources. We want to support you in any way possible.
    Stay strong <3

  32. meg Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for sharing with us. I am so sorry that you’re experiencing such painful flashbacks.. No one deserves to be manipulated emotionally or physically. Trust that even when it feels like a breaking point, you will always have more strength. Do you have anything you do to help you become grounded again after these flashbacks? Maybe try meditation or some deep breathing exercises? I’ve used the “dance it out” method to help me on my worst moments.. you’ll not want to do it, but it’s helpful. Turn on a random song and shake/move/twerk/flail/wiggle/anything your body for a full song without looking at yourself while doing it. Just close your eyes and move. Judgement free zone. Connecting yourself and feeling the control and freedom of your body is very helpful. We’re here for you! You’ve got this. If it seems too hard, please text VOICE to 741-741 for help.

    -Meg

  33. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I am sorry that you are experiencing these flashbacks-they sound really triggering. Have you been able to connect with a therapist, I can’t remember? That might help with processing these flashbacks. Remember you can also text the crisis line, VOICE to 741 741 if they get too overwhelming. And of course, you’re always welcome here. We are here for you.

    Erin