Why do I remember this, after all this time?

Why do I remember this, after all this time?

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My mother learned she has cancer, since we learned of this things have remained the same, only with more drama.

One night I wasn’t able to sleep and I went and looked through my old yearbook, I read a passage from a teacher and I became physically sick when I remembered shortly after I was raped she had me strip waist down as I laid on my bed she’d hit my bare skin with the belt, at one point I felt her put one or two fingers in my anus and tell me you little bastard now you know what it feels like to have something in your ass. As I turned to run in the bathroom to vomit she left the room.

Why after 37-38 years is this haunting me?

Why did my mother do things that hurt me so bad?

Am I crazy cause I remember something’s, but not everything?

I just want to live a somewhat happy life, why do I feel like I deserve nothing but the worst form of death possible?

Please let me know something.


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21 comments

  1. Dianne Volunteer

    Your far from crazy, our bodies and minds do miraculous things to protect us from trauma. I’m so sorry your mother did such horrible things to you. You are very strong and deserve to live a happy & fulfilling life. Some days you’ll take giant leaps while others will only be baby steps, just don’t stop. You got this
    Xo – Dianne

  2. SAF Volunteer

    Hi Focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve anything that happened to you. Sometimes our brains block things out and you may never remember everything that happened. You’re not crazy. Everything you are feeling is valid and everyone reacts differently to trauma. Things will get better. Thank you for sharing your story with us and I hope it helps you on your path to healing.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella

  3. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for reaching out to us. You deserve to live a happy life. I am so sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve it and it is not your fault. It is okay and normal to only remember certain things. That’s just how our brains are. People often surpress trauma as a coping mechanism. Everyone copes and heals in their own way. It is okay to still feel certain things even decades later. That is not a sign of weakness. But things can get better and you can have that happy life you deserve. You are not alone, focus.1968. We are here for you. Please let us know if there is anything we can do for you. In the meantime, if you are comfortable to, consider looking at our “Find Help” tab to see a wide variety of resources. You have shown so much strength and perserverence already. You can do this and we are here to back you up.

    Thomas

  4. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry that you still have flashbacks to a time that caused you so much pain. It is so terrible that you had to go through this, and it is normal that you still have negative feelings about it. I am sorry that your mom has cancer as well. What she did to you was not okay, but I can tell you that you do deserve SO MUCH more than how you feel right now. You are amazing, you are human, and you deserve to be happy and living here on this Earth! Traumatic experiences, such as what you went through, tend to take a long time to cope with and you push through. It is a long, sometimes never ending journey, and I am sorry about that. Everyone’s journey is different, so just stick with it. Remain positive as hard as that might be, and have hope that you will make it through! Thank you for trusting us with how you are feeling. We have hope for you, and we will be here for you every step of the way!

    Stay strong,
    Natalie

  5. Zoe

    I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much hurt and pain. You didn’t deserve what happened to you. You DO deserve to be happy, to live the kind of life that you want. And it’s very normal for people to suppress their trauma as a way to cope, or to only remember bits and pieces. Some people don’t process their trauma for several years, even decades. So you’re not crazy. And you’re not alone.

    Thank you for trusting us with what happened to you, I’m glad you were able to reach out to us. I know that it’s really difficult to process all of these things, but working through it is an important part in our healing. It may take awhile, and that’s okay. You can do this at your own pace, and in your own way. But I hope that you can begin to heal, and that you’re able to be happy, despite all the challenges. Please know that we’re always here for you, and don’t hesitate to reach out again at any point, if you need.

    Zoe.

  6. JFeeney21 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,

    Thank for trusting us as a safe space for you to share your story. Please do not think that you are crazy for not remembering everything or still being affected many years later. What you went through is a truly traumatic experience and everybody deals with these experiences differently. There is nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong. To be violated by someone such as a teacher that you are supposed to be able to trust and have to see everyday must be a horrific feeling. Thank you for trusting us as a community to share your story with. We are here for you if you need anything, you are not alone.

    1. focus.1968

      I’m so sorry, it was another boy, who raped me.
      The picture in the yearbook of the teacher, had just brought back the horrible experience, which included my mother abusing me at that time. About a week later or so my stepfather molested me, by taking my hand and putting in on his penis. Here begins a whole world of abuse, which have continued to even to this day.

      Again, I apologize for the misunderstanding.

  7. rkr18 Volunteer

    focus.1968,

    I admire you for sharing your deepest feeling with us, it is not easy to make ourselves so vulnerable. I want you to remember that we are all different and there is not a set time that we can and are going to get over things that have happened to us. You are you and there is only one you in this world so don’t worry about how long it takes or doesn’t take, just remember to be kind and love yourself for where you are. I’m sure you are not where you want to be but thank god you are not who you use to be. So you are not crazy just human and you deserve the best.

    -Marie

  8. Solongago

    I’m sorry. Maybe there is a feeling that you may not have a lot of time, if you want to confront your mother. There is the possibility that you are torn between saying nothing because she is going through cancer treatment, etc, and worrying that if you don’t, you will regret it down the line.

    I think many people finally feel safe enough to have the memories and the feelings when certain individuals pass. Maybe your mother’s illness is giving you that freedom to experience some of the buried stuff.

    I don’t know though. I am sorry that this is so hard. It is understandably hard because that is tough stuff to remember, especially from your mother, who should be the one person that we can rely on for love and acceptance. I agree with whoever said that that is about her, not you. She doesn’t have the good stuff to give.

  9. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    You’re not crazy for remembering bits and pieces – in fact, it’s common for traumatic memories to present themselves this way. Maybe your brain was trying to protect you. That being said, I’m very sorry this happened and that it’s haunting you. What she did was horrible. You don’t deserve to be treated this way – not back then, not now, and not in the future. The ways other people treat you (and themselves) are reflections of themselves and how they’re feeling, not a reflection of you. This can be so hard to come to terms with, especially when their words and actions hurt and if it’s happening over a long period of time.
    I’m so sorry your mother has been treating you this way for so long. You deserve to live a happy life with people who love and respect you.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here to support you through your journey. If you need anything, please feel free to write back. I hope you’re doing okay.

  10. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I am so sorry that she did these terrible things to you. I want you to know that you did not deserve them at all. You are so strong, stronger than you realize. You deserve to be happy, and I promise that you will find it one day. Keep hanging in there. You are not crazy at all. It is common to only remember parts. We are all here for you. We all believe in you and support you. Please never hesitate to reach out if you need us. You can also text VOICE to 741-741 to be connected with a counselor anonymously.

  11. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Focus
    Bad memories start to fade away but sometimes somethings can trigger the memory again. No human deserves to be abused like that. You do not deserve any form of harm to yourself. You are a strong person for sharing your story and what happened was not your fault. Just know we are here for you anytime. Stay strong!

  12. Mpietri982 Volunteer

    Hey focus.1968,
    Bad memories can start to fade away after a while of the occurrence but sometimes seeing/reading/hearing things can trigger the memory again. Absolutely no human deserves to be abused like that by any person. You aren’t crazy for only remembering some things because not every second of every memory is going to be there especially after such a long amount of time. And you DEFINITELY do not deserve any form of harm to yourself, you’re such a strong person for sharing your story. Nothing that happened was your fault AT ALL. Stay Strong Love.
    Xx, Mikayla

  13. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry to hear that these things have happened to you .I’m sorry that it’s coming up now and haunting you. Sometimes our brains try to hide specific events from us for reasons we don’t know. It’s important to know that these events are not your fault in any way and you didn’t deserve any of it. You deserve happiness and the feeling of safety and nothing less. Remember you are never alone and If we can help you in any other way please let us know! Stay Strong
    Kailey

  14. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you and that these memories keep popping back up. It is completely normal for a survivor’s brain to block out memories such as this and you are not crazy for not remembering everything. The healing process takes a lot of time, so do not feel that you are abnormal to still have this things haunting you. Have you seen a therapist to work through what has happened to you? If not, that may assist you during your healing. If you’re having immediate trouble or need assistance, please text VOICE to 741-741, where you’ll be connected with someone to talk to. They have spoken to people with a wide variety of problems and have helped a lot of people, so they are an incredible resource for anyone, including you.
    You deserve to live a happy, fulfilling, and loving life. None of what has happened to you is your fault and you didn’t deserve any of it.

    You are so brave for sharing your story with us and continuing to update us. Please feel free to reach out – whether that be to update us on your story or if you simply need to chat. We are always here for you.
    -Jess

  15. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m sorry you had this memory. It is okay to not remember things. Our brain sometimes blocks things from us. You can live a happy life. You just can’t let the bad things stick to you and let you get upset. Thanks for updating us. Things will get better.
    -Alyssa

  16. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,
    I am so sorry that these hurtful memories are still popping up so much later. You deserve to be happy, to feel loved, and to be taken care of. Nothing that you have done deserves abuse from your mother. I know that it is a difficult thing to see in the moment, but the way your mother treats you is about her, not about you. You are good, and kind, and loving and she is not. She is the one that needs to change and that must face her cruelty to you and the reasons she takes her feelings out on you. Keep looking for better things focus, don’t give up.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  17. Gamato04

    I promise you, you aren’t crazy. Memory works in a funny way and often we don’t remember everything. You didn’t deserve a single thing that has happened to you. You went through a trauma that no person should ever go through but you are unbelievably strong for continuing on for 37-38 years. If you ever need anything please don’t hesitate to contact us

  18. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. What happened was not your fault and you deserve no form of punishment or death at all. It is completely normal for memories like this to be repressed in some survivors and not come out until several years later. Have you tried to talk to someone like a therapist about this to help you heal? These things take time, but it is possible to live a happy and successful life even after such a terrible event has happened. Please let us know what we can do to help you further. Stay strong <3

  19. jamie.lynn Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,
    First of all, thank you for sharing your story. It can be a hard thing to do and I appreciate your strength. You are not crazy. Sometimes with trauma memories, they stay hidden inside until we are ‘ready’ to process them. I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you are now remembering pieces of it. This was not okay and you did not deserve to be treated this way. You can live a happy life! It is possible! Have you looked into possibly finding someone in your area to speak to about this? We have many resources on our “find help” page that may be helpful, too! We are here for you so please let us know if we can help!
    -jamie

  20. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    You’re not crazy. You deserve to live a happy life, I promise you that. There are parts of my victimization experiences that I can’t remember, or that took me time to remember. Trauma does that to you. I am so sorry you remembered this and you feel like this. We are here for you, and we support you. Is there anything else we can do to help? Let us know.

    Erin