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Why is at times when I’m alone that I sit and re question everything that has happened to me ? 

Like if there is any possibility of me being able to change the present for what it really is. 

Noticing that my surroundings takes a big place in my problem!!

I went from going to jail to going to rehab. And let me  just say being around people who understand the struggle of being a drug addict or an alcoholic, an just being able to open up about the obstacles  you have or that you are currently facing. No one will ever understand your situation until they have walked in your shoes or experienced something similar. 

At this point I know I’m standing in a spot light surrounded by thousands of people telling me “I told you that you couldn’t do it” My heart shatters knowing I have taken the biggest FAIL In my short 23 years! 

The biggest disappointment I face is having to look my mom in the eyes and tell her I have yet to relapse. 

I know I couldn’t have accomplished what I have if It wasn’t for her! 

I know I have let her down, this whole I have dug my self in is way to deep but I will not give uP!!! 

As scared as I am to be back into jail I must not give up to have my freedom ND help. 


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37 comments

  1. cjsvolunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know recovery it is not always an easy process to navigate. The healing process is a journey and we all have different ways of navigating our way through it. I have faith in you!

  2. barbaralizet

    Thank you for sharing with us, Do not feel like you have failed because you did not fail at all. Recovery is a long process please stay strong i am sending you all my love!

  3. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I am glad you shared. Thank you. I know it can be difficult to do so. You have not failed or been a disappointment, your healing and recovery is a process and it is not linear – there are ups and downs; forward, backward, and stagnation progress. You’re doing your best, and that’s something to be proud of every day. Hang in there.

    KatherineL

  4. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi [email protected],

    Thank you for coming here to share your story. It takes a lot of courage to share. Sometimes it can be hard to be alone when you are processing your past. It sounds like having others around you in rehab has really helped. You have not failed, healing and recovery take time! I believe in you. You will be able to work through this.

    Stay strong,
    T

  5. jcastle38 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, you are incredibly brave for doing so. I’m sorry for all the trauma and obstacles life has thrown at you and you have had to encounter. You are very brave for not giving up and continuing your fight. Healing is different for everybody, and you are right; nobody can understand your situation until they have walked in your shoes or experienced something similar. Don’t give up, continue fighting, you are strong and you are worthy! We are ALL rooting for you! Sending you lots of positivity to get through this!

  6. Neesha Volunteer

    Rumination is pretty normal, especially when we have some down time. Human brains are meaning making machines, it takes hard work to begin seeing our thoughts as they are…just thoughts.
    Support groups for those in recovery is important! Everyone needs empathy and feeling understood and it makes a lot of sense that you find it in people who have been through something similar.
    I see your genuine expression of remorse for the pain you have caused. It takes a long time to show those that you love you have changed and you can be someone they trust. Keep doing the next right thing, keep working on getting support and supporting others. You’ll find before you are ‘half way’ through you’ll know a new freedom and peace.

  7. Breanna Volunteer

    Hi [email protected],

    Thank you for coming and sharing your experiences with us. We are here for you. You can do it. Healing and recovery isn’t a straight path – it comes with its ups and downs, highs and lows. What’s important is to recognize how far you have come!! I’m sure it feels hard to see that sometimes. But you’re doing great. Don’t give up. Let us know if there is anything we can do to support you!

    Sending love and strength,
    Bre

  8. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi [email protected],
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I hear you, and I see you. I can only imagine that the shift in your environment is disorienting and exhausting. I believe you can overcome what you are going through and learn from your mistakes. No one is perfect and the healing process is not linear, but it is possible to learn, grow, and change. You’re not a failure, and you can do it, despite what other people say. I admire your persistence, and I believe in you. We’re all rooting for you, and you can get through this. I hope you’re doing okay today, and I’m sending you my love and strength.

  9. cachonoah Volunteer

    Hello [email protected],

    Thank you for sharing your situation with us! What happened in your past, along with the struggles does not define the person you are today. Part of being human is making mistakes, and being able to learn from them. Hell, even being able to acknowledge that there is some work that needs to be done is difficult by itself. But that is what makes you, you. You seem to want to be better, and being able to recognize that you wouldn’t be where you are without your mom. But you also did that! You should be proud of where you are right now. You still have a lot of life to live, and being 23 you are still just figuring yourself out. Don’t beat yourself up for mistakes because you have the rest of your life to make up for it! I’m sure your mom still loves you, unconditionally. And you have everyone here that supports you no matter what. Im glad that you are bettering yourself. Keep moving forward. As always, much love from your friends here at AVFTI

  10. averagestudent Volunteer

    hello [email protected]
    you are not a failure and the struggles you are facing do not define you. Yes addiction is hard and trying to rehabilitate is easier said than done but remember every struggle and every failure is a lesson in your life maybe know you do not understand the why but in the future, you will. Keep pushing and like you have mentioned do not give up. Do not listen to other people when they bring negativity into your life, just brush them off and focus on your goal. We all know you can do it and we know this because I can sense the fire of doing better is in you. The way you are feeling is okay, just know that there is a whole team rooting for you. Remember never to give up and a struggle now will be a reward for later. please do not give up and do not be scared just keep on fighting and work on yourself cause only you have the power to make a change in your life.

  11. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am glad that you found us and shared with us. Your struggles don’t make you fail at all. We all face our own challenges and it sounds like you are working hard and making sure to keep healing.

  12. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey [email protected],

    I’m glad that you found us and shared your story with us. Your struggles don’t make you a failure at all. We all face our own challenges, and it sounds like you are working hard to make sure you keep healing. I haven’t been in your shoes, personally, but I am proud of the progress you’ve made. Don’t give up!

  13. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Doing that takes a lot of bravery. I know it can be easy to question things that have happened to us and wonder if we could have done anything differently. However, it’s often not until later until we see things in hindsight. I think you have come a long way and accomplished great things so far. I am so happy to hear that you aren’t giving up. You are an inspiration to others who may be in the same situation. We are thankful you came here and shared your story with us!

  14. musicislove

    Hi,

    Thank you for trusting us with how you’re feeling. it’s definitely easy to get stuck in our thoughts and feel uncertainty, but it’s so important that you don’t want to give up. I’m sorry you’re struggling right now but you have so much strength, you can get through this. There are so many resources in our Find help tab and know that we are here for you.

    Delaney

  15. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hi,
    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I think when we are alone, it is very easy/normal to be in our thoughts and question certain things that occurred in the past. However, I am glad that you don’t want to give up. I know it can be really hard at times, but you can do it! I completely understand the feeling that you might fail or disappoint others, but try to have faith in yourself, and take one day at a time. Please use the “Find Help” tab if you think any of those resources would be helpful to you. I am rooting for you!

  16. karina Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time right now. Please know that you’re not alone. We have some resources under the “Find Help” tab that may be beneficial. I’m so proud of you for wanting to keep going and to not give up. We’re here for you.

    Sending love and support,
    Karina

  17. noobloop Volunteer

    Hi there, thank you for sharing how you are feeling. I can’t tell you why sometimes we just sit there and rethink every little wrong thing we’ve done in our past but the only thing I can tell you is that going back to the what if’s won’t help you move forward. I think accepting mistakes is a first step. It’s normal to make mistakes. Just keep moving forward without looking back. There’s people awaiting your fall but you don’t have to prove anyone wrong or right. Who cares what people think. You should get better for yourself and the people you care about only. At the end of the day, that is the only thing that should matter. I admire your resilience despite the setbacks you are experiencing. If you ever need resources, any sort of help, do not hesitate to check out the “Find Help” tab. It’s ok to reach out. I hope nothing but the best for you.
    Much love and hugs,
    noobloop

  18. Starling Volunteer

    Hi there,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now. Please know that you are not alone. You are so strong for making it this far. Don’t give up, we believe in you and know that you can persevere. We are here to support you through this. If you ever need anything, let us know.

  19. rvmoss Volunteer

    Hi [email protected],

    I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and emotions as I know it may not be easy. I want you to know that you aren’t alone. It is true that no one will understand your situation until they are in your shoes or experienced something similar which is why all your emotions and all your trial and errors are valid and its a step forward although it may feel like you are going backwards. Addiction isn’t easy which is why it is ok to not be ok because at the end of the day you aren’t giving up and you are fighting to keep pushing forward which I’m so proud because you are so strong for even just acknowledging that. Please know that you are not alone and although it may not be easy you are not giving up, you have an army here supporting you!! In the find help tab you may find some resources that may benefit you in to your path of healing and not giving up. LR <3

  20. Javi7295

    Hello [email protected],

    Allow me to thank you for taking the time out of your day and sharing with all of us your story. Many people go through all sorts of challenges and bumps in the road throughout their life. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes in life. Just as you have stated, do not give up and continue to persevere through the tough times. You will have your freedom back and when you do, if you need any assistance, please if you would like, take a look at some of the resources we have available in the FindHelp tab.
    Best of luck- Javi

  21. Briggums117 Volunteer

    Thank you for taking the time to come on here and share your thoughts with us. I’m very sorry you’re having to go through this. Never feel alone; we are here to support you. Check out the Find Help tab for resources.

  22. Lala

    Hi [email protected],

    Thank you for being brave and sharing your story with us. I can not imagine the amount of emotions you must be feeling. Please don’t think you are alone in this, you have us to support you. Life isn’t easy and its unfortunate you are going through this but there’s always a light at the end of tunnel and yours will shine soon. Stay strong and hang in there.

  23. mirage276 Volunteer

    Hello [email protected],
    Thank you for sharing your story. Remember you are not alone and you CAN do it, no matter how discouraging life may be, you can and will come out on top. If this is the biggest fail for you then its important to remember that it is only upwards from here and your situation WILL get better. It may take some time but no matter how long it takes, you will prevail and come out an even stronger person than you are now. Sending you lots of love and support, you got this!
    – M

  24. Alyssa Volunteer

    Hi [email protected],

    Thank you for coming and sharing your story. I can understand that challenges and obstacles are at times severely overwhelming. However, it sounds like you’ve pushed through repeatedly. Stay strong and continue to push forward. You are not alone in this. It seems so at times, but there is always a support. There’s a Find Help tab at the top of the page that may be helpful. Know we are here to listen and be there to support.

    Sending you positive vibes.

    Alyssa

  25. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi [email protected],
    Don’t give up. You are strong. You have been through a lot and you survived it. The new obstacles that you are going through now might be just as hard or harder, but you got this. You will make it past them. If you need help we are here for you or you can use our find help tab on the top right corner of this page. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  26. barbaralizet

    Hi, thank you for sharing your story with us we are all here to support you. Please do not ever feel like you are alone there are so many people in this world who may be going through what you are going through. We are all here to support you. Please feel free to use the Find Help tab above for more resources.

  27. Erika23 Volunteer

    Hi [email protected],

    It can be difficult feeling like no matter what you do you will ultimately fail, but that is far from the truth. It’s never easy coming to terms with everything that has happened to you in life and even though it seems like it won’t get better, it will in its own time. Each of us cope with our pain in different ways so you should never feel like a failure. I won’t tell you it’s gonna get easier because everyone’s path in life is different, but just know you are not alone in this. Take care of yourself and keep on moving forward because you will get through this.

  28. Dash35

    Hello [email protected],

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it might seem like you are alone but that is not true, there are so many people out there who are going through the same thing you are and you are not alone. Even though it seems like you are in a hole, you have already said that you are not going to give up and that is such a big step just to be able to say that you will not back down and will keep fighting! If there is anything that you need we here at AVFTI are here for you! Sending lots of love and support! You can do this!

    Best,
    Dash35

  29. lqui101 Volunteer

    Hey [email protected],

    Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. Having people or someone that truly understand and know what you are going through might feel like its only a section but in reality, there are thousands who know the feelings you are going through. Thousands who have walked in those same shoes. I personally know someone who has relapsed before and understand the emotions you and your mother might be feeling because of it. It all takes times. You are still willing to learn and handle it the best way you can and that is amazing. We do have resources available for you in the ‘find help’ tab whenever you need it. Stay safe.

  30. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming to share with us. I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that you haven’t been getting the help that you deserve, but instead are forced through more trauma and pain. I hope coming here to share helped. <3

    Erin

  31. walvarenga1 Volunteer

    Hello,
    Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us. No one will ever understand what it’s like to walk a day in your shoes, but I can say that we walk alongside you. We are all faced with challenges in life that cause us to doubt ourselves and feel as if we are a total failure. I can assure you that if you give yourself the opportunity to change for the better and stick to it, you will overcome your obstacles. I’m 23 as well, and I understand how easy it is to doubt yourself, but we have years ahead of us to work hard and achieve everything we want in this life. Don’t give up on yourself; instead, take it one day at a time!

    Best,
    Wes

  32. Metalhead Volunteer

    Hello!
    Thank you for taking the time to share with us today, I understand that you’re in a rough place right now, but as long as you don’t give up like you said, then you are destined to experience better days. I am so sorry to hear that you could potentially go back to jail, but on the bright side, I have a good feeling that you know right from wrong and that you can keep heading on the right path and you can be living free! As for the people telling you that “you couldn’t do it” I wouldn’t listen to them – I know that you are a wonderful person and you can do anything that you put your mind to. If you need to talk more, feel free to write back here anytime and let us know how you’re doing – also check out our “find help” tab at the top of the website, that will lead you to some recourses that you might find helpful!

  33. alexa.zaragoza Volunteer

    Hello [email protected],

    Thank you for coming on here and sharing with us. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Never feel that you are alone, we are here for you. You are strong and you will conquer this. This may be a minor bump in your life, but you will not fall. Continue to be the strong person you are and continue to improve each and every day. I am proud of you. Please take care and update us.

  34. vanessadmoreno Volunteer

    Hi [email protected],

    Thank you for sharing. I want you to know that you are not failing, and I am so sorry that you are experiencing people telling you that you couldn’t do it. I believe in you, and I know that you can win this battle with addiction. Putting pressure on yourself for relapsing will only make matters worse, and however way your mom reacts to the news, she will always love you. I am proud of you! Sending you strength and love.

    -Vanessa

  35. Marissa Day Captain

    Hello,

    Thanks for sharing with us. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling but I promise things will get easier. Your positive outlook is inspiring and will definitely help you heal! Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you through this tough time. We’re here for you!

    Marissa

  36. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey friend
    I am so sorry you are struggling so much right now and are facing jail time. I hope you can continue to work a positive attitude and don’t give yourself on yourself. Continue to work yourself and improve each day. You deserve to be happy!

  37. sarahj Volunteer

    Hi dntplywith,
    I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now and are facing jail time. I hope you continue to use your positive attitude and don’t give up on yourself. You are worth so much more and have come so far. Continue to work on yourself and improve everyday. You deserve to be happy and free.
    Sending you good vibes,
    Sarahj