Where do I go from here

Where do I go from here

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How does one go on before one is set free?

I’ve often wondered that myself, for perhaps 40 years have slipped by with nothing but heartache, failures, and pain

I have examples of two extremes regarding what I’ve seen, the first one is my parents these two make being in a relationship dirty, vile, and disgusting, I have witnessed my stepfather raping my mother, he claims he did this cause he wanted me to see what him and my mother did. Claimed he was trying to educate me, other times I would hear them having sex at night. There was no beauty in what they did, and when they would fight you could hear my mother head being banged against the furnace in the basement

On the other side my grandmother would hurt me by telling me if I take a girl I liked out she would disown me, why? Even though the girl had inner beauty, and the finest qualities you could find, grandma didn’t like her cause she was black, I made a foolish decision I chose not to go out with her even though prior she said yes. I still feel guilty today.

I in a sense have learned to forgive my stepfather for sexually abusing me and almost raping me, I have yet to forgive my rapist, my mother for not believing me and then making me feel less of a man

Even though my grandma made mistakes I have somehow forgiven her as well

Just before I started writing this I broke down and just cried for 15 minutes, the heart wrenching type to, you know the ones that give you headaches, it all started when I thought of my life and the hell I’ve been out through, my mother telling me well it sounds like you wanted him to fuck you, what kind of person would ever say that?, to her telling me she wished and almost killed me when I was two years old, again what kind of person says that?

She wants me to be strong like her and not to cry when I’m in physical pain, not to cry when I’m hurting inside from things said to me, not to cry when I see people who loved and care for me walk out of my life cause they can’t bear to see me hurting anymore. So she calls me weak, a eunuch, and a freak, in other words I shame her. I’m at the point where I can’t take much more, oh I’ve felt like this before it just scares me cause I see myself in later years a tired, broken and lonely old man- I can’t even bear the thought of that. So at this point I am totally spent, I have no more to give. Please let me know was it okay for me to fall apart and just cry? Or is this a sign of weakness. When I go to the clinic next month I’m going to tell them to look into the brain bleed aka stroke and to help me, I’m also going to seek help from a agency that someone told me about, and I will be speaking to a psychiatrist cause I’m so tired. Can you see how I can’t forgive my rapist, he stole my life, or my mother who lives to only hurt me at every chance she gets? I’m just so tired of fighting. So with all that’s been said from before my rape, during the time of the rape, till long after the rape I have to ask how long does this have to continue, and where does one go from here?


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6 comments

  1. Ashley Day Captain

    Since you have a good head on your shoulders, I think the place you’ll end up will be a healthy and supportive environment.
    Each time you share more of your story with us, you’re ultimately allowing yourself to acknowledge the difficult emotions that arise and deal with them. I hope you saw my reply where I told you it’s more than okay to cry. It’s healthy to cry and holding in tears isn’t going to benefit you in any way, shape, or form – At times, we just need to let the tears fall.

    Your ability to forgive people who have hurt you can bring serenity and I hope it has. It’s not necessary for you to forgive your mother or rapist because it sounds like you’re trying to comprehend how some people can be so hateful.

    You’ve emphasized that it hasn’t been easy to care for yourself and I want to commend you for having the willingness to utilize the resources you need. Again, I hope your appointment goes well. Also, I hope the psychiatrist can put your mind at ease because I can tell you’re mentally and physically weary. What kinds of services does the agency have?

  2. CarmenR Volunteer

    Breaking down and crying is absolutely not a sign of weakness. Crying is an outlet for the pain you feel, and it is completely normal. I’m sorry that your mother was not supportive of you, and was not supportive of you expressing your emotions. Crying and expressing yourself are ways of coping and healing, so never be ashamed for doing so. I’m glad that you are going for help and want to talk to a psychiatrist. I think that talking about everything could really help you. I can’t tell you how long the healing process takes because it’s different for everyone. However, I think that you are taking the right steps in moving toward healing by talking to a psychiatrist and by sharing with us. Once again, remember that you can get through this and we are always here for. Please continue to be strong!

    Carmen

  3. Heather GG

    It is ok to cry. It is ok to feel hurt by the people in your life who failed you. It is ok for you to hate your rapist.

    You shared your story here and that’s a start to healing. Everyone’s journey is different and you can figure out what’s right for you.

    If you need to talk to someone now
    text voice to 741-741

    Thank you for sharing your story

    1. Helpme1968

      Thank you very much, around this time of the year is very difficult for me. And yesterday I must have broke down and just cried so very hard, I do this from time to time it just hurts so much cause I cry so very hard. Today is much better, saw a few friends and was somewhat encouraged, thank you again

  4. Erin Day Captain

    Everything that you are feeling is perfectly okay. Because this is how you feel. and you are allowed to feel how you feel. Crying is not a weakness, it is a weakness in our society for thinking that crying somehow makes you less of a person. As for your last question, I’m not sure I can answer that, or if anyone can answer that, but to look inside yourself and do something for yourself. I have been fighting all my life to retain some sense of “normal”. I don’t know if that’s what I should be doing, or if I should be doing something else. But this is where I am. And I have to rely on the support I have and keep on pressing on. Thank you for being here.

    Erin

  5. Kristen Eby

    Love, crying is never a form of weakness. Feeling is never weakness, emotion is never weakness. It’s strength. It takes a special kind of bravery to acknowledge intense emotions and let yourself feel them, and express them. It is the opposite of weak.

    As to where you go from here? I think speaking to a psychiatrist is an excellent idea. Sometimes we need a little extra help, and I think you’re there. And that’s okay. I went to therapy for years and it made a huge difference for me. You’re on the right path.