How does one go on before one is set free?
I’ve often wondered that myself, for perhaps 40 years have slipped by with nothing but heartache, failures, and pain
I have examples of two extremes regarding what I’ve seen, the first one is my parents these two make being in a relationship dirty, vile, and disgusting, I have witnessed my stepfather raping my mother, he claims he did this cause he wanted me to see what him and my mother did. Claimed he was trying to educate me, other times I would hear them having sex at night. There was no beauty in what they did, and when they would fight you could hear my mother head being banged against the furnace in the basement
On the other side my grandmother would hurt me by telling me if I take a girl I liked out she would disown me, why? Even though the girl had inner beauty, and the finest qualities you could find, grandma didn’t like her cause she was black, I made a foolish decision I chose not to go out with her even though prior she said yes. I still feel guilty today.
I in a sense have learned to forgive my stepfather for sexually abusing me and almost raping me, I have yet to forgive my rapist, my mother for not believing me and then making me feel less of a man
Even though my grandma made mistakes I have somehow forgiven her as well
Just before I started writing this I broke down and just cried for 15 minutes, the heart wrenching type to, you know the ones that give you headaches, it all started when I thought of my life and the hell I’ve been out through, my mother telling me well it sounds like you wanted him to fuck you, what kind of person would ever say that?, to her telling me she wished and almost killed me when I was two years old, again what kind of person says that?
She wants me to be strong like her and not to cry when I’m in physical pain, not to cry when I’m hurting inside from things said to me, not to cry when I see people who loved and care for me walk out of my life cause they can’t bear to see me hurting anymore. So she calls me weak, a eunuch, and a freak, in other words I shame her. I’m at the point where I can’t take much more, oh I’ve felt like this before it just scares me cause I see myself in later years a tired, broken and lonely old man- I can’t even bear the thought of that. So at this point I am totally spent, I have no more to give. Please let me know was it okay for me to fall apart and just cry? Or is this a sign of weakness. When I go to the clinic next month I’m going to tell them to look into the brain bleed aka stroke and to help me, I’m also going to seek help from a agency that someone told me about, and I will be speaking to a psychiatrist cause I’m so tired. Can you see how I can’t forgive my rapist, he stole my life, or my mother who lives to only hurt me at every chance she gets? I’m just so tired of fighting. So with all that’s been said from before my rape, during the time of the rape, till long after the rape I have to ask how long does this have to continue, and where does one go from here?