Where do I go from here?

Where do I go from here?

112 21

It’s Jamie (again).

It has been exactly three weeks since I left my ex boyfriend, and I just cannot help but play scenarios differently in my head…Like, could this have been avoided altogether? If I allowed him to calm me down instead of begging to get space, maybe I’d still be him with him in Ohio like I planned. Despite the gaslighting, the threats, manipulation, I love(ed) him. It’s not his fault he had a traumatic childhood, which I told him constantly…all I wanted was for the two of us to get therapy separately (for different reasons, mine being the rape/molestation) and his for his severe anxiety attacks…how could two damaged individuals have a lasting, healthy relationship when our needs weren’t being met? Without him, I just don’t know what to do, or have no clue where I’m heading in life…and if he came back, I’d try once more to give it another go…people think I’m “trauma bonded” or downright crazy for saying it, but nobody saw the good in him like I did…


Join the Conversation

21 comments

  1. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for updating us, it is great to hear from you ❤ I think that everything you’re saying is completely normal. When we end a relationship, whether it be with a friend or a significant other, it is really common for us to be playing in our heads over and over what could have gone differently. “I should have said this”, “or maybe we could have done that”, is just a few of the many things that run through our heads.
    Of course you loved him, for awhile he was your partner. The person you loved and cared about, and who you just wanted the best for. But, you can’t force people do get the help that they do not want, and sometimes people just don’t want to be saved. This is an individual that seems to not understand the consequences of his behavior, which is what lead to the two of you breaking up in the first place. I think its important to think about all those reasons and moments on why you decided to end it with him, for that may help you to remember why you did it in the first place. I know it’s hard now, but you deserve someone who is going to respect your space and take your feelings, and thoughts into consideration. Not to turn them against you. Keep your head up ♡

    – Jordan

  2. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    Welcome back! It’s really hard working through your emotions after a breakup. I feel like people always tend to reminisce on the best parts of the relationship, rather than remembering the reasons that you broke up. The threats and gaslighting are really detrimental to your mental health and that is not ok. It sounds like it’s important to take some time and work things out on your own. One thing I did after my ex and I broke up was kept a note on my phone with the reasons that we broke up, and whenever I felt nostalgic and wondered if we could make it work, I would read that note to remind myself what we needed to work on. It’s hard feeling that gap after a breakup, I personally went to my dad but I think it’s important to find one person that you can talk to and spend some of that extra free time with while the breakup is still recent.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  3. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,
    I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this right now. It’s understandable that you’re struggling with the breakup, especially because you saw the good in him. It’s so difficult when we’re caught up in what could have happened. His traumatic childhood wasn’t his fault, but it doesn’t excuse how he treated you. You don’t deserve to be threatened, manipulated, or gaslit by anyone, especially someone who you were in a relationship with. Your need for space is valid, and he should have listened to that.
    I think this decision could benefit you – you can have some space to think about the best ways to heal and move forward. You can figure out your next steps and see where you’re headed. These things take time, and I believe you can figure this out.
    Thank you for this update. We’re here for you whenever you need us, and you can get through this.

  4. musicislove

    Hi Jamie,

    I’m sorry you’re struggling with the breakup, but I think you made the best choice. He wasn’t respecting you’re need for space and you’re desire for you both to get well in therapy isn’t a bad thing. It’s always hard moving on from someone you cared so much about but it sounds like that’s what’s best for your mental health and well-being right now. Thank you for coming back and just know we’re here if you want to share more.

    Delaney

  5. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend

    I am so sorry you are hurting from this. I don’t think that it’s a good idea to replay the siuation. It will make hurt you more and i know it is difficult not to think about. You did the right thing by leaving him and your feelings are valid. I know its difficult to move forward but know we are here for you man. we care for you.

  6. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I’m sorry you are hurting from this. I don’t think that it is a good idea to replay different ways the situation could have played out. It will only make you hurt more. You did the right thing by leaving him. He hurt you and you come first in your life. I know how much you might want to change what happened. That happens to me too with different situations in my life, but I know that I can’t change what I did and I need to move forward as healthy as I can. You are going to be okay. You are strong. You made the right decision. Thank you for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  7. Ashley Day Captain

    You’re not a bad person for loving someone you were in a relationship with, Jamie.

    After getting out of a relationship, it can be difficult to find a new routine and adjust to being on our own. You shouldn’t be gaslighted, threatened, or manipulated by anyone in your life. Asking someone for space isn’t too much to ask for and he should have respected your request.

    I’m sorry that you’re hurting right now.

    Ashley

  8. tayestlack Volunteer

    hello love, thank you for trusting us and coming back with your story. however, sometimes we bring ourselves down for thinking of what-ifs rather than what is. Perhaps you could move your thoughts into what you’re doing now, not what you could be doing. I’m still so happy for you that you’ve left your abusive relationship. I was in an abusive relationship recently as well so I can relate to your situation, however after some time, looking back ending the relationship was one of the best things I could have done for myself and I really hope you can find that as well. Please come back, we’re all here for you

  9. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    I’m glad you shared this with us. I think that leaving was a good choice for you, especially if your ex wasn’t respecting you or your space or feelings. It’s understandable to still feel bonded to him, especially since you cared for him so intimately. I think that the best thing to do is continue with your plan to seek therapy. You aren’t broken or damaged. Sometimes we just need a little extra help getting through all the things that life throws at us. It sounds like your ex isn’t at a place to accept the help that therapy can bring, and it’s valid that that may have been a factor in the breakup. You both are at different points in your mental health journey. You deserve someone who is willing to support you in that journey.

    Take care of yourself! We’re rooting for you and are always here for you!

  10. Jess Volunteer

    Thank you for updating us. Your feelings are so normal and valid. It’s incredibly difficult ending a relationship, even when we know that the relationship was unhealthy. We always like to see the good in our significant other, but I want to emphasize that any trauma he experienced does not excuse his behavior toward you. You’re so right in that therapy separately for you would be helpful. I’m glad that you decided to take care of yourself and get space for yourself. Keep working on yourself the best you can. If you need any resources, we have a lot under our “Find Help” tab. We are also always here if you need us and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  11. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    Thank you so much for updating us! Everything your feeling is totally normal and understandable. That being said his childhood trauma is not an excuse for his mistreatment to you. Therapy could be good, for both of you but you need to work on yourself and try to focus on you. I can relate to how your feeling and I know how hard it can be but I think your heading down the right path to recovery and your so strong! Your not alone and we are all here supporting you! If we can help you any more please let us know!
    Kailey

  12. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,
    Ending a relationship is so difficult…even when we know that it is not good for us. We cling to the tiny bits of good and try to figure out what we could have done to make it work. It lonely and sad and it really hurts. Do you have some things you could do to help you work through this time? What has helped you get through other difficult times?
    I found a couple of wonderful accounts on Instagram that work on self-healing and they have done wonders for me in the last two months. I am happy to share them with you if you are interested. They really helped me see how my approach to my relationships was unhealthy and I am working on healing those areas in myself. We cannot “make” anyone change to be what we want or need them to be; we can only change and heal ourselves and through that, we either don’t need those things from another person, or we see that we are no able to grow with that person. This is all very general and may not be what you need to hear right now, but when you are ready, it will be here for you. You are taking care of yourself. It may not feel like it at the moment, but one day you will look back and see it was a healthy thing to do.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  13. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for updating us. I’m sorry you’re having these feelings, but maybe some time apart is exactly what you need. I want you to know that it’s not ok for him to treat you badly because of his traumatic childhood. It’s not fair that you have to take the burden and punishment for things that happened before you came along. Of course, you did the right thing by being supportive of him through everything. But it sounds like he may have taken advantage of your love for him. It’s good that you made the choice to put yourself first. You deserve that. You’re allowed to do things that are in your best interest. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. We’re here for you!

    Marissa

  14. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I think your concerns are true and genuine for yourself and this other individual. Perhaps it could be a matter of you simply being there to talk to and accepting his emotions without intentions of getting back together. Showing that support and foundation that you can supply could allow him to feel more comfortable in the idea of a relationship. It will also help to start working on yourself as well to identify your strengths and find who you are inside and out. As you mentioned, you’d like to start therapy and perhaps pursuing such could portray this determination you have. It might even encourage your friend to do such as well.

    You’ve got this! Stay Strong <3

  15. Kayla Volunteer

    Jamie,

    Thank you for sharing. It’s so hard to stop the “what if?” thoughts and to have conflicting thoughts and emotions. No situation is ever black and white, because despite the bad in the relationship there was of course good too. However, from your last post it sounded like your relationship was really unhealthy and it’s a good thing you’ve separated and left. It sounds like you’re in a much safer place now, where you can process everything that’s happened and sort through your thoughts and feelings. Give yourself time to heal, focus on self care and let yourself feel. I’m sending you love, stay strong.

  16. CarmenR Volunteer

    HI Jamie,

    Thank you so much for coming back to update us! I know things are hard right now, but I promise you’ll get through it! We are here for you, and we support you through it all. You did all that you could,and you are safe which is what’s important. Stay strong. We are on your side.

  17. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,

    Thank you for sharing an update with us! I can’t imagine how hard everything must be. I want you to know that I think you did everything right and everything that you could. It is all in the past now! you are safe! You are strong! You are so much more than this situation! You are a wonderful person and it will take some time, but I know you will be able to find yourself again. Focus on yourself now, and if it works out in the future it does. Be in the present. You can do this!

    Sending lots of strength and hope,
    -Natalie

  18. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,
    Thanks for sharing. I am sorry that you’re having these thoughts. I’m no therapist, but I do believe what you’re feeling or thinking can be a normal part of your separation. I volunteered at a women’s shelter, this was one of the biggest issues that I heard from clients ( the thinking about taking or going back into the relationship). Maybe following up with your therapist might help ease these feelings. Wishing you the best!
    Dawn

  19. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for coming back with an update. I’m sorry you are going through all these thoughts that may be difficult to process. I hope you can get in with your therapist to help work through it, but in the meantime, we are here to listen. Be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  20. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling sad about what’s happened. Have you started seeing a therapist since you left? This may help to process through all these emotions and feelings. Keep coming back to share, if that helps.

    Erin

    1. Jamie Marie Volunteer

      I was scheduled to see Marcia (my therapist who told me I was in a domestic violent relationship back in May) but I cancelled due to fatigue. I probably will once I get more money back in my bank account to help my mom with the bills.