What did I do, to deserve so much pain

What did I do, to deserve so much pain

90 25

Just keeping you up on things.

in April I had a stroke, and I haven’t been the  same. I forget everything, migraines are almost everyday, I lose my balance and have fallen down the stairs, my mother still acts crazy day and night, and even though we live under the same roof, we live totally separate lives.

i finally got Medicaid so that’s a positive thing, it’s just so many doctors I have to see.

At times I think what my life is now, is all I will ever have, and yet I still keep going forward without giving up.

sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy, and is there an way out.

we have entered the worst time of the year for me, so if you read this, please let me know.

sorry for bringing anyone down, I just needed to get  it out


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25 comments

  1. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,
    Thank you for coming back to give us an update; it is wonderful to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear about your stroke and how things are even more difficult for you now. It sounds like you are a good person and you have been through more than your fair share of difficulties in this life. You are incredibly strong and you have made it through every single awful thing that circumstance has thrown at you. You aren’t bringing us down…this is a safe place to get everything out. We are here for you whenever you need us.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  2. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story. We are all here for you and we want to help you in any way that we can. I’m so sorry to hear that you had a stroke last spring, those are so scary. My great uncle had one a year back and I know how jarring they can be. Glad to hear you got on Medicaid, the many doctors may be tough but hopefully, they can help you out. Things are going to get better. I know some days may feel awful and some days may make you feel crazy, but in the end, you are so strong and resilient that I know you will make it through. This time of year can be tough. Candles and good books help me work through the lack of warmth, and I would recommend a sun lamp (really helps with the short days).

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  3. Kayla Volunteer

    Welcome back. It sounds like you’ve been going through a lot lately, and I’m really sorry to hear you’re in so much pain. Please continue going forward and not giving up. I’m hoping the worst is over for you, which means only good can be coming. Sending you love.

  4. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    It’s so good to hear back from you. I’m sorry to hear about your stroke, you falling, and your memory loss. I cannot imagine what pain you are going through. I’m happy that you aren’t giving up hope. You have been through a lot, but one great quality that you have is your strength. I remember how hard this time of year is for you. We are always here for you. Whenever you need anything we are here for you. Thank you for writing back and for keeping us up to date.
    -Alyssa

  5. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    There’s no need to apologize, thank you for updating us with how you are doing. you are so strong and you can get through this, don’t forget we are here for you. if there’s anything we can do to help, let us know. Be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  6. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey There focus.1968,
    Please never apologize for putting your emotions and feelings out there, we are here to listen. I am glad to see that you are doing so well after your stroke, keep pushing forward. Maybe you could look into beginning a hobby? There are a lot of options and they may help bring your mood back up! Please feel free to come back and update us!

    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

  7. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there!
    Please don’t feel sorry or feel like you’re “bringing us down”. I’m glad to hear how well you’re doing after the stroke despite all the difficulties you face. It sounds to me like you’re overwhelmed with so much happening. Medicaid came through for you, that has to make you feel somewhat better. You mentioned that you “just keep going forward without giving up,” to me that shows how determined you are & a inner strength. Keep staying strong & keep on keeping on. Come back any time & share.
    Dawn

  8. Jordan Volunteer

    Hey there focus.1968,

    Please do not apologize for sharing your experiences with us. Whether it is typing on a computer or writing something down on pen and paper, it can really help with all the racing thoughts that are in our mind. I am sorry to hear that it sounds like things are so stressful, but I admire your hope, for I do think things can get better. Especially if we want them to <3 We will always be here for you if you need a support system in your corner, don't ever forget that. You are strong. You got this. Sending you hugs your way <3

    – Jordan

  9. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for providing us an update! We always love to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear you had a stroke in April. Recovering from a stroke can be a difficult path. Never give up!! You are so strong! Don’t apologize for sharing what is going on in your life! We are always here for you and happy to hear from you. I am so glad you have this platform to get your thoughts out. Let us know if we can ever be helpful to you! We will always be here.

    Stay strong!
    -Natalie

  10. sam Volunteer

    focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry for everything you’re experiencing. You sound like you are going through a lot of pain and adjusting to some really tough challenges. It’s so great that you got Medicaid, and I hope things start looking up now that you have more medical access.

    You never have to apologize to us for sharing your story, and I hope you continue to seek out our support when you’re struggling. We are always here for you.

  11. Lizzi

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry to hear about your medical challenges, and the stress of having so many doctors. I hope that these doctors are able to help you with your symptoms and get you feeling better. I understand the feeling of wondering if life will always be this hard, and I would really like to hope that it doesn’t have to stay this way for you. It sounds like this is already a really hard time of the year for you, and I’m glad that you’ve reached out to us for support. Please keep us updated and post any time you want to share or get support. We care, we hear you, and we’re here for you.

  12. Megan Volunteer

    Hey focus.1968,

    You don’t need to apologize for sharing your story with us, that’s what we are here for! I’m sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I can imagine all of those life changes must be difficult. It’s good that you are still working with your doctors though and hopefully with time some of your symptoms will start to fade away. I know certain time of year can be pretty hard for some people, just know that we are always her eif you need to talk about it.

    You are strong and you will get through this. I believe in you,
    Megan

  13. Ashley Day Captain

    Welcome back, focus.1968 🙂

    Despite how challenging things have been, I commend you for continuing to push through. I’m sorry to hear that the stroke has affected your balance and memory. Medicaid can be extremely helpful to have but I get the impression that it feels overwhelming to see more than one doctor, which is understandable.

    As always, we’re here for you.

    Ashley

  14. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend

    I am sorry about your medical changes. Please know you don’t need to apolagize for reaching out to us. We are here for you and care for you. Post whenever you need to express yourself. We care for you!

  15. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    I’m sorry to hear about your recent medical challenges. I’m glad you were finally able to get Medicaid. That can be a very stressful experience. Please know you never have to apologize for reaching out to us. We’re here for you, to listen and support you anyway we can. Please always feel free to post as much as you need to.

    All the best,
    Becca

  16. musicislove

    Hi focus.1968,

    I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time and that this part of the year is so bad for you, I hope you can find some things that make you happy soon. Recovering after the stroke has got to be hard, and migraines are terrible I know, I’m glad you got Medicaid though- hopefully something good comes from the doctor appointments you’re going to. Try not to feel bad for venting on here, we’re always here to listen! Come back anytime, and try to be gentle with yourself.

    Delaney

  17. tayestlack Volunteer

    hello love, thank you for sharing your story with us. i’m so sorry you’re experiencing all this pain right now and that you’re having a tough time, you don’t deserve any of this. maybe the medicaid will start to help you even with all the annoying doctors visits. remember to keep going forward, we’re all here for you. keep your head high. please come back to us any time you’d like. i hope you have a lovely day.

  18. colton95 Volunteer

    You did absolutely nothing to deserve what you are going through right now. I am 100% positive that you are an incredible person and that you will be able to get through this! I hope that things get better for you soon and if you ever need to vent and just let it all out, feel free to reach out to anyone here!

  19. rkr18 Volunteer

    Focus1968,

    Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Please don’t be sorry. We are always here for you! And remember to keep in touch when you are feeling down.

    With all our love

    -Marie

  20. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there, focus.1968,

    I’m glad you came back to share your updates. You haven’t done anything to deserve the things you’ve experienced, and we’re always here to support you through these times when things feel bleak. You are powerful, and I hope that you continue to recover from your assault and from your stroke. I imagine it’s been an exhausting few months, but I’m in your corner! You can always let us know what’s on your mind. We’re here for you anytime.

  21. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m really sorry about your stroke and about what you’re going through right now. It’s so difficult to feel like there’s no way out, and I empathize with you. I’m glad that you’re persevering and moving forward. That’s incredible, and you are resilient. It’s great that you got Medicaid, and I hope it’s helping you.
    Thank you for updating us. Trust me, you’re not bringing us down. We’re so glad to hear from you, and we’re here for you through everything – good and bad. You can get through this.

  22. zelda Volunteer

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through a tough time. Trust me, you’re not bringing anyone down. We are here for you and we want to support you. You’re doing an amazing job just by surviving all that you have gone through. You are a survivor and you are a fighter. Just remember that.

  23. Erin Kaileen Volunteer

    Hia foocus.1968,

    I get how this can be, in 2017 I had three very unplanned surgeries and things got pretty hectic. No one deserves to go through any health problems, but on the bright side you have less stress in the financial area knowing you have health coverage now. It amazing and I know I don’t personally know you, but I am proud that you are still striving forward and never giving up. Things will get better over time, nothing stays bad forever unless all you see is the darkness and not the light. You are still here and that’s what matters. Don’t ever forget that you are amazing.

    If you ever need someone we are all here for you, you are never alone
    -erin

  24. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, focus.1968. Nice to hear from you again. I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough time. Glad to hear you got Medicaid and aren’t giving up. Keep at it. You are an incredibly strong person. And you don’t have to apologize, we’re here for you good or bad. Thanks for trusting us.

  25. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us, I know it’s been a long time. I’m so sorry about your stroke, and that your mother is still being harmful to you. I am glad you got on Medicaid, though, and hope that’s helping. Is there anything more we can do to support you? Let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin