Hi and thanks to all who responded to my latest update. Today’s will be quicker I hope.
The big take away, was that I have often felt disgusted with myself for not being smart enough to not be abused or to tell someone; for not being strong enough to protect myself and get away; for allowing myself to be manipulated; for being powerless; for being vulnerable; for being little; for not knowing any better. But merging my anger with the EMDR and the episode I continue to go back to, the anger is currently on those who took advantage of my powerlessness, of my being little, my being not as strong as they, my being trusting enough to be manipulate, my not being smart enough to know how this would play out over the course of a lifetime.
It is so simple, and yet it hit me like a ton of bricks. Who’s the bad guy here? The little kid for being small or being vulnerable? Or the bigger kid or adult who exploits the vulnerability? I guess the thing to do is to train myself to recognize when I bash myself, particularly for things I have or had no control over, and turn that around to place the negative feelings onto the scum bags. There is the problem with recognizing what things I had no control over. This is where manipulation is so insidious. Because a guy 5-6 years older knows what buttons to push to get what they want. And it is, in my brain, better to have had some control over the situation, because no control feels like anything can happen — totally unsafe. And, I don’t give myself credit for brains because I did not tell or I did not find a way to avoid it or whatever. But really, I may have told only to be re-abused by a system that wasn’t all that great 40 some years ago. I mean, it’s not great now, but then, there is really no way to tell, I might have been snagged out of the home only to be put in a juvenile facility (made to think I was the criminal) or put into foster care where so many are re-abused. So, I survived the best way I could given what I knew at the time, and somehow, I have to embrace that, rather than attacking myself over it.
I dunno. It feels like I’ve been here before, or somewhere similar. Like I am going in huge spirals dipping back into victimhood, and self blame and destructiveness, and then back out toward surviving and self-care and moving through and forward. I know it isn’t linear, and I probably do have to work through layers of crap.
Wednesday, we did EMDR on my anger. I don’t know if it worked or not. I do feel more angry at my perpetrators and I am not falling into the blaming myself, or when I do, I am turning it back toward them. Like if I find I am blaming myself for it taking so long, I can turn that back into the lack of support from important people in my life, from when I couldn’t possibly tell anyone way back then, up to the present day, when I continue to try to protect them because they are so unavailable. Or blaming myself for taking money or whatever to do thing things they wanted, and turning that into fury for someone who would take advantage of a child who has no concept of what anything is worth. If a man offers a child a tootsie roll for an old silver dollar, there is no question who the asshole is.
There is still the problem that my brothers were also young and also abused and living in an abusive system. So there is also the problem that they did not know at the time the lasting damage that they would cause. They knew it was wrong, and they knew they shouldn’t, but did they, could they have stopped just on that? Should they be condemned for what started when they were also very young. That is frustrating. There seems there is always some way to minimize or make excuses for everyone else. I probably have to work on that too.
Sigh. Doing ok I guess. Not happy for the fall-feeling in the air.