Hi everyone. Wednesday has come and gone. I did see Angela. We didn’t do EMDR. I think I got suckered a little — well, she kind of got the better of me. For some reason we talked too much in the preliminary. I kind of knew what I did and what I didn’t want to talk about. She was asking questions. She asked me what my biggest problem was right now. I said masks. She seemed to discount it, so I said, I have spent a lifetime avoiding people’s eyeballs. She laughed. I said something like isn’t funny, but she thought the use of the word eyeballs was. But she said that the masks are going to be here for a long time. I disagreed with her, and she said she hopes I am right.
And then she asked whether there were other problems. I paused, and then I said, “yeah-no.” I told her that yes there were, but no I don’t want to talk about them. Pregnant pause. I continued that I am feeling isolated and lonely. Then I said I wanted to talk about what we were talking about last week. Ok, what was that? I told her that I told her that I remarked that I was so compliant, and we got into a big discussion about being complicit. But I was noting what was, how I was, I was compliant and that made it all the worse for my brothers to take advantage of me like that. It was more of an observation how I was vulnerable, but also compliant.
We talked about that for a few minutes, and somehow she wound it around to my sisters, and whether they feel any outrage at what happened to me, how it is understandable that I feel very alone when they aren’t very supportive. I told her my sister was my rock, my older sister really is a wonderful person. The thing about incest, one of the things that makes it so awful is that it breaks families up. My sisters have to make a choice really, supporting me somehow makes them at odds with them and including them kind of makes it hard on me. Angela thinks it is pretty easy to dump child-molesting brothers, and when you put it that way…
The thing is that it is true, we have an elephant in the living room. I am the one that would be creating all the problems if I want people to be sensitive to my not wanting to be around them. It sucks. If I bring it up, then why am I not over with it, it happened so long ago. Angela says it doesn’t seem like so long ago when I am dealing with it now. She’s right, I am re-experiencing it pretty much weekly in the EMDR. But I also re-experience it, or at least the memories come up all the time. Can’t go to the bathroom without remembering. Can’t be alone with a guy. Can’t sit on a bench quietly for a few moments without thoughts and memories showing up. I have two choices: stay completely busy/occupied, or think about the abuse. It doesn’t seem so long ago.
She spent way too long (I think) beating up my sisters because they have not expressed outrage for me, and acted for me when it comes to relationship with my brothers. I personally cannot let myself want or expect any kind of behavior on their part or I have even fewer people in my inner circle if they disappoint me. It made me feel worse to question my sisters, even within my own brain.
My phone started ringing and my hour was up anyway, so we left.
Coming away this week, I don’t know if I am feeling better or worse. I’ve gone through many moments in the past couple of days where I absolutely hate my brothers. Both of them. Both for what they did then, and how they dismiss or deny it today. I don’t know what the use is to let myself feel this way. Whether it is better in the long run to allow the feelings of anger and even hatred, or to continue to dismiss and deny myself, just like my brothers, and the rest of the family dismisses and denies me or everything that has made me, me.
It is infuriating to be dismissed or denied.
There are moments when I want to spout like a tea kettle about what happened to me. I want to tell people at work, at church, on websites. I am looking for that sense of outrage. But the people that mean most to me, are blocked from what it causing me the most distress. So yeah, Angela addressed the loneliness and isolation even though I didn’t want to talk about it. Covid couldn’t have happened at a worse time for me.