Has come and gone. I saw Angela yesterday, and had some time to process what we processed. It was an interesting session.
It began with me refusing to talk again. She asked “what’s happening” and I just let the pause lengthen. She joked a little about how she needs to write the questions down because she forgets what she asked. Then she asked if I had come with something to talk about, but I was having trouble getting it out. That is usually what is happening when I make these Loooong pauses. Yep. They do know us, don’t they? She said she 100% likes me, if that is what it is. I said always, as in, I always am worried about that. But I feel a little more relaxed since she said that. I told her about the dream I had that morning.
The dream was weird. Aren’t all dreams. But it was like a novel with several story lines going on. My mom and I were at this event, sitting on the bleachers, not sure what kind of event. A lot of security. The thing is Mom goes no where, and never would sit on bleachers even 20 or 30 years ago. There was a group of people coming, like a group of Christians at some event, one of them was a pregnant lady. There was a man who was trying to kill himself with some material, and someone trying to talk him out of it. He dropped the material, and pulled out a pistol. He pointed it at himself. At this point it seemed like Mom and I were in the front row of the bleachers, and we were having a really quiet argument about who was going to shield the other, or what we might do. Somehow the pistol disappeared and the guy started shooting the people in the bleachers with an assault weapon. I was thinking why don’t the security (dudes with lots of body armor, like riot gear, and weapons more like soldiers than police), shoot him. And then they did. Took off the top of his head. Sorry, but this was my dream. Vivid and detailed like that. At this point I rushed down several bleacher steps (I was on the first one, but somehow I was up several steps, dreams!), to check out the lady who had fallen. I woke up them, I thought it couldn’t be my mom because she was sitting next to me. Then I thought it couldn’t be my mom because she goes nowhere and would never sit in the bleachers, not even 20 or 30 years ago. I asked if that qualifies as a nightmare and she said yes. Nightmares for me are usually when I can’t move at all and the burglars are coming down through the roof. Ah well.
Well that is how it started. We did the EMDR on the dream and then I told her exactly how my thought process was going through it. Like, Why did I dream that? Then, It is nice that she said she liked me. Why?!? Then I thought I would tell her how the thoughts were going and and got all nervous about that. Then I started thinking about the EMDR and how I hate and ignore my body, how I may have detached totally from feeling with it, and that is why EMDR is so hard. How I want to avoid everything to do with it, and want it to disappear. All the time the green buzzers and buzzing.
We had a huge discussion about my feelings toward my body. I said it has betrayed me. I said that it attracted my brothers’ attentions, and she went off a little on that. I told her what my brother thinks of fat people, and she asked me if that is why I gained weight and hold on to it. Yeah, I think so. But it didn’t work. I was fat all my life. It didn’t work because it wasn’t me, it was just that I was available and compliant. We got into a big discussion about that too, and why my sister wasn’t attacked by them.
We talked about the things my brother told me, like, this is what a husband will do. We seemed to talk several sessions in that hour. Toward the end she was going to have me feel more feelings, and think about something negative that I was thinking/feeling and I told her something about programming me to think horrible things. She said, I already think the horrible things, that is the baseline — her word, and since feelings follow thoughts or thoughts drive feelings (not sure which) she said the brain would dismiss the feelings if there was no evidence.
Anyhow, there was a lot to this session and I am only scratching the surface, though long, I know. My computer has already knocked me out once, so I am going to send this however incomplete.