Wednesday again…

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Has come and gone.  I saw Angela yesterday, and had some time to process what we processed.  It was an interesting session.  

It began with me refusing to talk again.  She asked “what’s happening” and I just let the pause lengthen.  She joked a little about how she needs to write the questions down because she forgets what she asked.  Then she asked if I had come with something to talk about, but I was having trouble getting it out.  That is usually what is happening when I make these Loooong pauses.  Yep.  They do know us, don’t they?  She said she 100% likes me, if that is what it is.    I said always, as in, I always am worried about that.  But I feel a little more relaxed since she said that.  I told her about the dream I had that morning.  

The dream was weird.  Aren’t all dreams.  But it was like a novel with several story lines going on.  My mom and I were at this event, sitting on the bleachers, not sure what kind of event.  A lot of security.  The thing is Mom goes no where, and never would sit on bleachers even 20 or 30 years ago.  There was a group of people coming, like a group of Christians at some event, one of them was a pregnant lady.  There was a man who was trying to kill himself with some material, and someone trying to talk him out of it.  He dropped the material, and pulled out a pistol.  He pointed it at himself.  At this point it seemed like Mom and I were in the front row of the bleachers, and we were having a really quiet argument about who was going to shield the other, or what we might do.  Somehow the pistol disappeared and the guy started shooting the people in the bleachers with an assault weapon.  I was thinking why don’t the security (dudes with lots of body armor, like riot gear, and weapons more like soldiers than police), shoot him.  And then they did.  Took off the top of his head.  Sorry, but this was my dream.  Vivid and detailed like that.  At this point I rushed down several bleacher steps (I was on the first one, but somehow I was up several steps, dreams!), to check out the lady who had fallen.  I woke up them, I thought it couldn’t be my mom because she was sitting next to me.  Then I thought it couldn’t be my mom because she goes nowhere and would never sit in the bleachers, not even 20 or 30 years ago.  I asked if that qualifies as a nightmare and she said yes.  Nightmares for me are usually when I can’t move at all and the burglars are coming down through the roof.  Ah well.  

Well that is how it started.  We did the EMDR on the dream and then I told her exactly how my thought process was going through it.  Like, Why did I dream that?  Then, It is nice that she said she liked me.  Why?!?  Then I thought I would tell her how the thoughts were going and and got all nervous about that.  Then I started thinking about the EMDR and how I hate and ignore my body, how I may have detached totally from feeling with it, and that is why EMDR is so hard.  How I want to avoid everything to do with it, and want it to disappear.  All the time the green buzzers and buzzing.  

We had a huge discussion about my feelings toward my body.  I said it has betrayed me.  I said that it attracted my brothers’ attentions, and she went off a little on that.  I told her what my brother thinks of fat people, and she asked me if that is why I gained weight and hold on to it.  Yeah, I think so.  But it didn’t work.  I was fat all my life.  It didn’t work because it wasn’t me, it was just that I was available and compliant.  We got into a big discussion about that too, and why my sister wasn’t attacked by them.  

We talked about the things my brother told me, like, this is what a husband will do.  We seemed to talk several sessions in that hour.  Toward the end she was going to have me feel more feelings, and think about something negative that I was thinking/feeling and I told her something about programming me to think horrible things.  She said, I already think the horrible things, that is the baseline — her word, and since feelings follow thoughts or thoughts drive feelings (not sure which) she said the brain would dismiss the feelings if there was no evidence.  

Anyhow, there was a lot to this session and I am only scratching the surface, though long, I know.  My computer has already knocked me out once, so I am going to send this however incomplete.  


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32 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Glad to hear that you have been working with Angela. Dreams are so strange. Yours sounds quite scary. Dreams can seem so vivid and it’s so hard to process them. I find reading happy fiction at night sometimes helps prevent scary dreams, not always, but worth a try! It sounds like the two of you are covering a lot of important things. I hope you feel that these sessions are helpful. We are all rooting for you.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  2. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    What an awful way to start your day! It is good that you were already seeing Angela and able to talk with her about it. It sounds like the two of you are doing a lot of work and that you are making progress. Thank you for sharing that with us. I hope you realize how much your openness about your healing journey with this community helps those who read your posts. It takes a lot of courage to be so vulnerable, but it also gives others courage to do things they aren’t sure about.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  3. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Solonago

    Those dreams sound a lot and I am sorry you had to go through that. Please come back to share anytime we are here for you!

  4. musicislove

    Hi Solongago,

    That dream sounds really distressing I’m sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you had a good session with Angela though, like you said you guys got through a few sessions worth of information in just that one hour, that’s hard so I hope you were able to take some time for yourself after that. I’m also glad she reassured you that she liked you, that’s always comforting. I hope you haven’t had to deal with any more nightmares, I know they can be so exhausting and hard to deal with, and please come back to share anytime. We’re always here for you!

    Delaney

  5. Nichole-SW94 Volunteer

    Hello solongago and welcome back!

    First off, that dream sounds intense and hopefully sharing it with Angela, and us, helped relieve some of that weirdness it brought you. I know therapy can be hard at times with so much to say and nothing comes out. But I really do believe Angela cares for you and likes you so hopefully that puts your mind at ease. It is crazy how someone knows something is off with us before we can pinpoint it ourselves. Great job with EMDR, I know how much you hate it but you are brave for pushing through. It sounds like you have a lot on your mind so feel free to share your dreams or thoughts with us more! I know it can be difficult talking about your brother and your body. It was not okay for him to attack you and try not to compare yourself to your sisters on why you. There is no right answer to justify the why. I know your post may be incomplete so please write to us again and keep us updated. Always here for you!

  6. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey again solongago,

    It sounds like you had a really intense day, between the nightmare and therapy afterwards. You pushed yourself through a lot, and that’s hard to do! I think it’s also good that you and Angela’s relationship is at a point where she can kind of anticipate your needs even when you can’t fully communicate them. I’m glad that she was able to help you through the session and work on the things you wanted to talk about. I know it was a lot, so feel free to update us again before your next session! Sometimes, it’s so exhausting to go through all that work and then unpack it in one span of time. We’re always here for you to share. Hopefully you’re getting lots of dog hugs today!

  7. Neesha Volunteer

    Solongago,
    That was strong and vivid dream. I think the subconscious mind works through life’s issues when we slept, hence the dreams.

    EMDR and therapy are difficult. It is so so hard to go through the process and reattached after the experience of detaching from feeling the body. It sounds like your session with Angela was supportive and successful, since it felt like several sessions in that one. It seems like you are making process and doing the work.

    Be gentle with yourself nightmares and therapy are emotionally exhausting. thank you for keeping us updated.

  8. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    Wow, that was an intense nightmare. I like to think our mind processes what’s happening in our lives through dreams. Intense dreams can be exhausting, so it can help to schedule in some self care.
    I’m glad you’re sharing your thoughts and feelings with Angela. I hope that it’s cathartic for you and that you can hear a different perspective. I agree with Angela and her thoughts about how the brain dismisses feelings if there is no evidence. I feel we can come to terms with negative thought cycles by questioning our thoughts (and thinking about if they’re based in reality).
    Thank you for updating us. You’re doing great, and we’re here for you!

  9. loveishere2020 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago – Your dream was incredibly vivid. How I interpret it is that your insecurities are ending. When you dream of other people, those people are actually representations of your own personality. There was a lot of negative energies being shot and ending. This could mean a new beginning for you. Perhaps a new outlook on your body. Perhaps some self-love is coming your way. I feel optimistic about your progress with Angela. No matter how uncomfortable, please keep going. Your sessions will result in breakthroughs as I have done it myself. I am here for you. Keep me updated.

    Stay safe,
    Hollie

  10. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    It’s great to hear back from you! It sounds like you’ve been discussing a lot with Angela lately and deeply exploring your feelings. That can be difficult and exhausting and the fact that you keep pushing forward speaks volumes about your strength and commitment to getting the support you deserve. Additionally, having such vivid nightmares can be overwhelming and intense, so it may be helpful to make some time for self-care.

    All the best,
    -Rachel

  11. meg Volunteer

    Hi Solongago!

    Thanks for the update. What an intense dream! I understand how scary that can be when you wake up and carry such a nightmare with you for the day. It can weigh on you. I’m glad you shared it with Angela. Keep pushing yourself even when you get nervous to share with her. It’s the only way you’ll keep moving forward. You’re doing so wonderfully. This session seems like it was pivotal! I’m proud of the work you’re doing.

    -Meg

  12. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there Solongago,
    So glad you keep sharing! It sounds like this week was quite an adventure. I mean with a dream such as that, & seeing Angela. I think you should be proud of yourself. You are able to share with Angela things that you would have never even thought to awhile ago. This shows how far you have really come! That dream would be enough to shake anyone up. Whew, glad it was just a “nightmare!” Sometimes, I think the dreams we have are our minds way of connecting with us to help us process. Unfortunately, a dream such as yours might not make a whole lot of sense, but oddly enough, it could be a way of solving real issues. I used to have a dream that I was in jail, & my mom would come rescue me. In my dream, she did come, in fact, she busted me out then we hid in the parking lot until we knew everything was ok. Now, while this was a dream, my mom was anything but a rescuer! So in my mind, a dream was created to help me over come. Maybe this could be the same for you.

    I find so much can be accomplished in a short time if we allow ourselves to just be in the moment. I think with Angela, you were able to cover as much as you did, because you allowed yourself to open up, & you feel comfortable enough with her. Sometimes, time stands still, & other times goes fast. I mean in therapy sessions, the time may seem to go fast when you talk about superficial things, but when you discuss matters such as your dream, time stands still, or visa versa. I hope your week is as great as you are! You deserve to have things working in your favor. keep on pressing on for you & fighting for you! You are indeed a strong warrior!
    Dawn

  13. JWorks Volunteer

    Solongago,

    It seems like the EMDR is cracking at something. I’m sorry it’s been difficult and I hope that the progress outlasts the pain. Your therapist sounds like she does like you, (you seem pretty likable to me), and that she’s trying to help you out. I’m glad you came back to check in. Stay strong.

    -Jay

  14. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    I know you continue to struggle with the EMDR, but every week you talk about the conversations that you have with Angela and it does sound like they are helpful, no matter how difficult they can be. And it sounds like Angela has been able to start up a conversation every time, which I hope has been valuable to you. I’m sorry that you had a such a horrible nightmare. It can still be unsettling when we wake up from dreams like those even knowing that they aren’t reality because of the way they made us feel and actual concerns we may be facing. I’m glad you were able to talk through it with Angela though. I hope this week is a good one for you. Looking forward to hearing from you soon!

  15. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Solongago,

    Sorry for responding to stories back to back! I was out of town last week so I’m just playing catch up right now.

    I’m sorry you had such an awful nightmare! Those are really triggering and scary and I hope you don’t have to experience anything like that again, or at least anytime soon! I think it makes total sense that you try to avoid anything to do with EMDR. It dredges up terrible memories and feelings and it’s normal to want to avoid that. Hopefully someday soon you will have at least some sort of breakthrough that makes coping with these feelings easier. It sounds like Angela knows what she’s doing, and the best thing to do right now is to trust her (easier said than done, I know!).

    Please let us know if you need anything else. I look forward to your update!
    Marissa

  16. lizzi

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m sorry to hear about your nightmare. Even though it didn’t actually happen in real life, it sounds like it was a scary dream and one that may have been hard to shake the feelings from. Your session does sound interesting, and I like how Angela seems to know what to say and do to make you feel comfortable and supported by her. It’s not your fault what happened to you. Your body didn’t betray you. Your brother failed at being a good brother. But it’s okay if you feel that way about your body, and I’m glad that you were able to talk through that in your session.

  17. haesol Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for the update! Sounds like it was quite the session, this one. I’m sorry about that nightmare, it sounds pretty scary honestly, I hope you didn’t feel too unsettled by it.

    I’m sorry about what your brothers did to you, you didn’t deserve any of that, and it’s not your fault–not your body’s fault either.

    It’s nice to hear Angela matches your pace and accompanies you through the process properly, she sounds like a really good therapist and I’m glad you have her. The process can be long, but you’re already doing your best! you’re making progress and it’s amazing.

    We’re here for you! always.

    Stay safe,

    sol.

  18. rohina_kumar Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you so much for updating us again! I’m sorry you had to dream something as horrendous as that, but I’m really happy that you spoke up about it. I’m glad you gave EMDR a chance to help improve the issues you’re facing because of that dream and with your body as well. This is a great sign of you working towards bettering your mental health and will lead to a lot of personal growth too. I’m really happy to see you make progress during these treatments and that you’re hanging in there. We’re all very proud of where you’ve reached so far and encourage you to keep fighting through it! We’re here to support you. All the love.

  19. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Wow your dream sounds intense and stressful. I’m sorry. Sometimes our subconscious creates very vivid images. I’m glad you were able to have a good session with Angela this week. Look forward to hearing more from you soon.

    All the best,
    Becca

  20. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,

    It’s great to have you back for another update! I hope you enjoyed your 4th of July holiday.

    The session you had with Angela does sound interesting. You are putting in a lot of great work. It seems that every session you have with Angela you make new discoveries about your life and mental health. I know that these sessions must be difficult to endure each week, but on our end we see you making progress and new discoveries that help further your healing. I hope you are seeing these benefits too! You are doing great work. I hope to see you back for another update soon!

  21. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi Solangago,

    Thank you for keeping us updated. I’m sorry that you had a nightmare, but I’m happy to hear that you are making progress during your sessions. I hope the therapy gets easier for you. Take care, and we are always here for you!

  22. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing and keeping us updated. It’s good to see your growth. Bad dreams can be rough, but I’ve always felt it is best not to think too much into them. I’m glad you are taping into your feelings even more. This is great news. Please, keep coming back to us.

  23. rkr18 Volunteer

    Solonago,

    Thanks you for taking time to update us. You are continuing to grow but some of your sessions have been challenging make sure you are taking care of yourself.

    -Marie

  24. arascon37 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing. It’s awesome to see the progress that was made during this session. Bad dreams aren’t always the greatest but being able to overcome certain thoughts is a huge step! Continue to take care and remember that you will always have support!

  25. ryannlashea Volunteer

    Hi, thank you for continuing to trust us with your story. I am sorry that you had a bad dream. I am so glad that Angela was there to support you and work through things. We are all here for you as well.

  26. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi solongago,
    I’m sorry you had a bad dream. Sometimes I feel like we get bad dreams when we sleep in a new or weird position because our body isn’t used to being that way while sleeping. That’s what happens to me because I’m always so used to sleeping on one side and when I move I get vivid weird dreams too.
    I’m glad Angela was there to help you and talk about everything you wanted to talk about. Hopefully you feel better about everything since talking about it. Thanks for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  27. tolleytn Volunteer

    Hi Solongago!

    It’s so nice to hear from you again. I’m glad that you and Angela were able to talk about so much this session. What you said about your dream really intrigued me. I always wondered if I dream things because it is a product of what I think about the most or if it’s some kind of thought that I really didn’t want to process when I’m completely conscious.

    I can totally understand how EMDR can be so stressful. It is definitely not an easy thing to have to go through. However, I’m so glad you have a therapist that you can connect to and it really seems like you guys are making good progress. Please remember to take care of yourself and we’ll always be here for you the next time you want to chat! Stay safe and I can’t wait to hear from you again soon.

    – Tiffany

  28. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend
    I hope you are doing well and i am glad you made progress with Angela. When you are dreaming or having a nightmare sometimes it’s telling you about a past some type of traumatic event. I am so sorry you had gone through a lot of stuff and I hope you can slowly heal from it all. You might want to talk with a therapist or someone about the dreams because sometimes it’s trying to tell you something. Thank you for sharing your story and know we are here for you and truly care for you.

  29. zelda Volunteer

    TGIF, Solongago!

    I hope you’re doing well. I’m glad to hear about the progress you’re making with Angela. When you guys were talking about your nightmare, I instantly thought of Freud. From what I can remember, he pushed the idea that all dreams were a gateway to what our subconscious truly wanted. Do you think this nightmare holds any significance for you? When I wake up from an unsettling and disturbing dream, I try to think about why my brain would go there in the first place. Am I ignoring unprocessed trauma, or is my brain simply compiling a hodgepodge of emotions and events I’ve experienced throughout my life?

    If you normally wake up from violent nightmares or weird, strange dreams, you may want to invest in a dream journal. As soon as you wake up, you grab your journal and write about what you just dreamed. You can look back on past dreams, see if there are any connections or similarities, and bring them up to Angela whenever you feel ready.

    As far as your body “attracting” your brothers, you and your body did not invite predatory, perverted behavior into your life. They are responsible for what they did to you, and they don’t have any excuse for the abuse they inflicted upon you. Bottom line: You are not to blame for anything they did to you throughout the years.

    Keep holding your head up high. I’m so happy you have found a therapist who is the opposite of Karen, and I’m so proud of you for continuing therapy and EMDR, despite the challenges.

    As always, thank you for entrusting us with what’s been going on in your life. I hope you have a great day and weekend. Stay safe and healthy! ☮️

  30. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    It sounds like you had a productive session even if you weren’t up for talking right off the bat. Thanks for sharing what you can. Take some time to process all that you worked through today and give yourself some time to rest. Take care.

    KatherineL

  31. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m glad you were able to cover a lot with Angela in this session, though I’m sure it was really mentally exhausting. Take some time for yourself and to take care of yourself today-you deserve it.

    Erin

  32. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for keeping us updated! I hope things continue to progress well with Angela. 🙂