Was this rape?

Was this rape?

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A little over a week ago, I had sex for the first time with the guy I had been dating for over a month. We had talked about what types of positions we were comfortable with beforehand. He was taking me from behind, but then he switched to anal sex without asking me. We never discussed this before. I told him that it hurt and he said sorry. He didn’t stop, though. Each time he pumped, I groaned. I never told him to stop, but I did tell him that it hurt. I never consented to anal sex.  Would this be considered rape? 


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16 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Rosebud,

    I’m so sorry that your boyfriend did this to you. Consent is something that should always be confirmed before doing anything even in a relationship. Assuming is not okay. He should have stopped to ask before he started doing things that you didn’t consent to. He didn’t respect your wishes and that is not okay. We are here for you if you need anything.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  2. Graciegrace22

    Hello,

    I am so sorry to hear what happened to you and you are not to blame for what happened to you. Consent is ongoing and even if you consented before to something it does not mean it is okay to do it again without your permission. I hope you are able to find some healing from this.

  3. Lizzi

    Hi Rosebud,
    I’m so sorry for what happened to you. It was wrong of him to do something that you hadn’t discussed as something you would be comfortable doing. Even if you didn’t tell him to stop, it’s still not okay for him to have continued without you being okay with it. Especially since you told him it hurt, that should’ve been a good sign that you weren’t enjoying it.

    Lizzi

  4. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi rosebud,

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. He never should have continued with something you were uncomfortable doing. Consent is something that should be ongoing. You expressed your discomfort and desire that he stop. He didn’t respect your wishes and that is not okay. Please feel free to look through our resources tab as you continue to process this event. There may be a local counselor you can speak to or additional information to help you decide the next steps to take. Of course, we’re always here for you. Please feel free to post again anytime.

    All the best,
    Becca

  5. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi rosebud,
    I’m so sorry this happened to you, and he should have asked you for consent. I agree with the people saying that consent is ongoing, and we’re allowed to change our minds at any time. That should be respected. I think that what happened was definitely wrong, but I don’t want to impose my definition of what happened on you. This happened to you, and I feel that you should have the final say on how you define this because it’s your experience. How you feel about this is valid, and I understand why you’re confused about it.
    Thank you for writing to us. We’re here for you if you need anything, so please write back if you would like to. You are strong, and you can get through this.

  6. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi rosebud,
    I’m so sorry this happened. He should have stopped if you said it hurt. He should have talked to you about wanting to do anal if he wanted to. Surprising you like that is not okay.
    We are here for you if you need anything. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  7. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. It sounds like you both had set boundaries and expectations going in, and anything outside of that needs consent before moving forward. As others have said, we can’t judge what happened, but what he did is definitely wrong, and I’m incredibly sorry that it happened. It seems to me that telling someone you care about that a position or sexual encounter is painful is the same as stating “no.” No one wants to be in pain.

    If you need any other resources, there are lots under our “Find Help” tab. We are also always here if you need anything. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  8. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear rosebud,
    I am so sorry that this happened to you and that he then stopped seeing you. As others have said, we were not there so we cannot make a call as to what happened, but what he did was certainly wrong. You had a discussion, you set boundaries and gave consent for staying inside those boundaries. Anything that happened outside of those boundaries needed consent before proceeding. Telling someone that cares about you that they are hurting you is the same as telling them to stop. There is a whole list out there that helps people understand consent, that is isn’t always “no” or “stop”. You have the right to take consent back at any point and in this case, you gave consent only to the things you discussed beforehand. We are here for you any time you need to connect. Our Find Help tab also has a wonderful variety of resources if you need them.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  9. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Rosebud,

    Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry this happened to you. What he did was certainly not right. I worry I may miscategorize it if I give my perspective. But what he did was not right. Please, let us know how we can help further.

  10. mkyuellig

    Hi there rosebud,

    I’m so sorry that you had this experience. It seems like lots of other volunteers have said something like this, but I just wanted to stress that consent is enthusiastic, and it is ongoing. That means that even if you said yes at the beginning of intercourse, you can at anytime change your mind and revoke that consent. You consented to vaginal intercourse, you did not consent to anal intercourse. In my eyes, and according the United States’ definition of the word, what happened to you could be categorized as rape. What he did was wrong, and unacceptable. You were clear with your boundaries, and he violated them. You told him that he was hurting you, and he continued anyway. He did not respect your agency and the boundaries you laid out. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help. The resources area of the site has a lot of information that might be helpful for you as you process.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  11. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    First, I want to start by saying I am so sorry that this happened to you. Consent is ongoing, and can be revoked at any time. You may have consented to one thing, but you didn’t consent to the next. What he did is not okay, and I am sorry that you went through it. You told him it was hurting you, and he didn’t stop. I am so sorry he wasn’t listening to you, and it is not okay for your partner to do that.

    Please know that we are here for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Stay strong.

    Carmen

  12. Jordan L

    Hey there,
    I am so sorry this happened to you. He should have taken your feelings into consideration. You vocalized that it hurt. He didn’t acknowledge you or what you discussed beforehand. You did not give him consent, even if there wasn’t the actual word “no” said. Everything should be consensual. Stay strong my dear! I know situations like this can be hard. You deserve someone who will respect you and cherish you. Do you have a trusted adult or friend you can talk to about this happening?
    Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story with us. We are here for you. We support you. If you need anything please let one of us volunteers know.

    -Jordan

  13. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi rosebud,
    I’m sorry you had to go through this. Your boyfriend should of considered how you were feeling when you said it hurt. You didn’t consent to it then it’s not okay, even if you didn’t say no. I know these types of situations are hard to go through and understand but your not alone. We are here for you and will help in any way we can! Have you guys spoke about the incident? Or told anyone else what happened? Let us know if we can help!
    Kailey

  14. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming to share with us. If you did not consent to something, and it is something you did not want to happen, than that is not okay. You told him it hurt, and he did not consider your feelings at any point, which is not what a sexual partner should do. You not saying no does not mean you consented, and him continuing to do what he wanted without your consent is not okay. How are you feeling? Has he tried to get in touch with you since this happened? Let us know how else we can help-we are here for you.

    Erin

    1. rosebud

      He started bread-crumbing me right after. I was more focused on the fact that he played me just to have sex with me than what he did. Now that I am over the shock of him leaving me, I am coming to terms with this. I haven’t heard from him in about a week now.

  15. Megan Volunteer

    Hey rosebud,

    I’m sorry that this happened to you. In my opinion, because you did not consent to anal sex I would consider it sexual assault. Your boyfriend definitely should have asked before trying something new and definitely should have stopped when you said it hurt. I know that situations like this can be pretty hard to process through, so if you ever need any help or to vent or simply someone to listen to you, we are always here for you in whatever you need.

    Sending love,
    Megan