I started off coming to this page as a volunteer to help others. Turns out you truly can’t help another person until you can help yourself. I have spent these last two years in a cycle of trauma and alcohol abuse. I thought I was one of those people who was okay because I thought my drinking wouldn’t affect anybody. Turns out all that drinking was just covering up trauma that I have been holding in for years. Since telling my story on this page, I had gotten into a relationship that was pretty damn good. We had a lot of ups and a lot of downs, mostly due to my drinking. We would move in together and then break up. Throughout that time we then gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and decided it was time to bring our families together and move it in once again. And, that’s when the darkness takes over when I’m happy and I feel like I don’t deserve it. So self-sabotage is my best friend. Why do we feel like we don’t deserve it? How do we take back the power that our abusers have taken from us? I continue to engage in therapy for my PTSD, anger management, and have now completed my 7 session of 36 of my intensive outpatient program for alcohol. I used to be able to talk about my experiences and think I was okay, but then I would go home and drink and drink until I felt nothing. And, the only people I hurt, are the ones I care for the most. Everyday I try because I can’t give up on them. It’s just so hard because I feel like no one understands I can’t talk to anybody because no one understands what it’s like to carry trauma and so deep down inside your body that you don’t know where it’s a growing from. I CONSTANTLY GET JUDGED. The alcohol has lead me to serious legal trouble. I’m tainted by it. I never thought that I would be in trouble for domestic violence as I grew up seeing at my whole life and now I’m on the other side of it. I’m not a victim, I’m the perpetrator. And it’s all because of the trauma that I’m trying so very hard to get past. I know that one day I will clear my name I just hope that my family will be there when it’s all over.