Victim blaming and redeemed abusers

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TW: SA, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, BLOOD, GENDER DYSPHORIA, SELF HARM, CHILD PORNOGRAPHY.

I was going to share my story publicly on my Instagram but a rep from the Crisis Help Line told me to try this first before putting myself out there. Hi, I am currently 25 years old and have been holding on to my story for 11 years now. My abuser walks freely as I sulk in self hatred for something that has never been my fault.

When I was 14 years old, a classmate named Larry sexually assaulted me. I don’t use the word rape because I had always been told that rape involves intercourse, which this wasn’t. Despite me growing into my body, I was still a child mentally. I played with littlest pet shops and barbies. I never let the laughter of my classmates get to me when we were allowed to bring our toys to class. I did not grow up liking boys; I never cared for crushes and to be honest, I’m pretty sure that if I was allowed to develop at my own pace sexually, I would have never had interest in doing so. In 5th grade Larry’s crush on me was the talk amongst my friends, the idea of a boy liking any of us was a big deal I guess but I absolutely hated it. He would get me gifts; he would tell me how much he loved me, how much he wanted me, he even got me a build a bear with a voice recording “I really like you (my name)”; it was nauseating. Our middle school dance came up and of course he asked me. I hesitated but my two best friends at the time pushes me to say yes because, well, how exciting! As the days approached I became more uneasy, I decided to take back my acceptance the day before the dance, little did I know that was going to be the triggering point for the rest of my miserable life.

7th and 8th grade were an absolute nightmare. A girl who had hated me for a while now had accused me of trying to steal her bf, my BEST FRIEND. I was cornered into bathrooms, reminded how I was never going to be pretty, harassed for having breasts, laughed at for not understanding sex jokes, it was made clear that no matter what, I was always going to be the bad person of any situation. I remember having my deceased aunts ring taken from me because it looked too similar to the one given by my friend to his gf. I received a letter telling me to kill myself. My mother hired a PI but nothing came from it. To this day I have people make fun of me for having someone come investigate as if THAT was the problem here.

It wasn’t until I started college that I realized the source of all this drama, the gossip, the lies, the letter, it all came from Larry. I became suicidal. At this point I turned to online outlets to express myself. This kind of exposure and lack of supervision was a terrible thing for a 13 year old. I had some minor attempts, most of my friends online were also pretty suicidal so it didn’t feel like such a big deal. Luckily someone was able to talk me out of it. I never spoke about it to anyone irl. Soon enough 9th grade came and when using an outward approach to get to me stopped working, Larry managed to find a way to incorporate himself into my personal life. We became best friends. He used the same tactics he used on everyone else to make me trust him. We went everywhere together, inseparable to be honest, then it happened. October 31, 2009. I dresses up as Lady Gaga for Halloween. I invited Larry and another friend trick or treating. They thought it was lame but I didn’t care, I still thought like a child. It started with a “panty raid” they locked me out of my room and began going through my underwear drawer, I was mortified. A few hours pass and they start joking on trying to get me to sit on my other friends lap. When I refused, he decided it was time to leave; Larry stuck around and decided to invite his best friend, let’s call him V. We went to V’s house and decided to bring him back over. He was a good kid and to this day, I refuse to ever put him at fault. I have always had a soft spot for him, Larry knew that. Larry thought it would be a fun idea to try to undress me. Everything is a little blurry from then on out. He convinced me to perform fellatio on V. Larry told me he would teach me since both me and V were inexperienced. When we stopped Larry decided to lay me on my bedroom floor. He hovered over me and told me to keep my eyes under the door to make sure no one else was coming in. He forced his fingers inside of me. I had just turned 14 a few weeks prior and in pretty sure this was my first sexual experience. I began to bleed. I’m not sure what happened after, I don’t even remember where V was during this, I just wanted it to stop. I never spoke out about it since. Larry told me it was ok and this was going to be our little secret, just some friends having some fun.

At some point throughout the year, Larry tells me that a gang was out to get him. He was being threatened to perform sexual acts at random moments because “they are always watching”. There had been a rumor going around about him and V getting intimate on a couch during a movie, Larry told me this was part of that. He told me that I could get killed if I didn’t do what he said because I was already involved, so I obliged. No matter where we were, what was going on, whatever was requested needed to be done. One day we were hanging out at a friends house with “the boys”. Larry pulled me and V aside, told us we had to make out in the other room and that it was dire. It was clear both of us were uncomfortable with this decision but we did it anyway. I stayed behind afterwards and began to cry. Larry found me and had the audacity to cry with me. He held me, told me everything was going to be okay, that it hurt him too and that he wished that me and V didn’t have to go through this with him. Although minor requests, this proceeded to go on for God knows how long. Then it happened.

It was Summer I believe going into sophomore year. Larry invites a group of us to Club abyss, a popular teen club here at the time. His cousin from Michigan was coming to visit, I was stoked. She was so sweet and beautiful; I was obsessed with the idea of even being able to be in her presence, Larry knew that. We had fun; I actually met my soon to be partner of three years that day. We got back to Larry’s place to spend the night. It had been a while since any incident, I guess I thought it was over. Boy was I wrong.. Larry, his cousin and I fell asleep on the same bed. It was very large so the space between us was enough to be comfortable. As I fall asleep I began to feel Larry inching up into my backside, I moved forward but he wasn’t giving up. Every time I began to fall asleep I would be woken up by him pressing up against me. At this point I yelled at him to get away, I told him I was uncomfortable. He apologized, told me that he didn’t mean to. A few hours pass, I wake up to Larry under the covers with his face up against me and a camera pointed to my vagina. I was mortified. I don’t remember much after that. I remember looking over at his cousin in hopes that she would wake up to stop him, she never did. He apologized and asked me just to let him touch me a little without the camera, I never responded, he took that as an indication to kept going. I don’t know why I didn’t leave. I don’t know why I let any of this happen to me. I guess I fell asleep afterwards l, I don’t know.

Warning: The order of the span of events for the next day are extremely fuzzy; the harder I think about it, the more difficult it becomes to make sense of it.

Not long after waking up his cousin had left to go do something else. Larry had gotten into an argument with her over something, maybe her hooking up with someone or the lack there of? At some point while hanging with just Larry, V comes over. Larry tells us we have to have sex on his bed. He said he was not going to watch, that he was going to keep his distance. He locked us in his bedroom. His room had glass slide in doors so even without him being in the room, we are still visible to him. I get on top of V. He tries to get me to straddle him. I guess he saw the pain in my eyes becuase right when we were getting ready to start he looks at me and asks “you don’t want to do this do you?” I break down, I don’t think I have ever had anyone ask me that before after all that time. He hugs me and holds me close. He tells me he is sorry. After a few minutes Larry noticed that nothing was going on, he walks in to ask what happened, V shakes his head to tell him he is not going to do it. Larry was livid. He scolded V and they got into an argument. I’m pretty sure we ended up going for a walk soon after where they continued to bicker, I don’t remember the conversation they had after that.

Later that morning I found myself stuck alone in the house with Larry. We went upstairs to his mothers room. Everything seemed fine, we acted like the night before had never happened. We sat on the bed watching South Park, I’m pretty sure it was the meat balls episode. I was okay, then it happened. Larry pushes me down into the bed. At this point I had finally decided to fight back, I tried kicking him off but he held me down, he pinned me completely and covered my mouth to prevent me from screaming, we were home alone, it’s not like anyone was going to hear me anyway. I’m not sure if this event happened before or after the incident with V. The only reason I feel it was after was because I do remember feeling like it was punishment for not complying earlier. He told me no one cared, that I deserved it, no one was going to believe me. I don’t know what happened after that. I don’t even know if he had sex with me or if he just stuck something else inside of me, my brain had absolutely blocked the memory of whatever happened that day. Sometimes I wish I remembered but maybe it’s better if I don’t. I do remember the silence after, I remember V coming back into the house and up the stairs, I remember looking at him in pain, I never told him what had happened to me while he was gone. At some point the day was finally over. I went home and never spoke a word about it.

A few months later word goes around school that a video of me was circling around. They said I was doing a handstand while Larry performed acts on me while filming. I never got to see said video. I can’t even do a handstand. When I tried to speak out about it no one believed me. Larry had convinced people that I was a whore, at that point I had already started dating men, I had become  extremely hyper sexual and people knew that so why would they not believe him? One day my partner at the time calls me screaming, he was ready to break things off with me. He asked me why I lied about him being my first, he called me a slut. I never bled during my first consensual time with my partner because my hymen had already been “popped” back in 2009 but when he initially asked, I brushed it off. I never had the heart to tell him that his friend had done that to me. During that call I ended up having to fess up to my partner in order to salvage the relationship (gross I know) … luckily he believed me. He told me Larry had confronted him at a movie theater telling him that we used to date and that Larry had broke things off with me because all I ever wanted was sex. My stomach dropped, Larry lost a hold of me so he tried using the people I cared about to get to me. At this point I finally decided to officially break the ties left between us. This was difficult due to us still going to school together and being part of the same friend group. Larry would often show up to my house unannounced and quite literally swing on the tree in my front yard waiting for me to get home. My mother would have to shoo him away while I hide away in order for me to be able to get into the house. This was all just a game for him. After everything Larry had tried countless times to try and make things difficult for me. Those rumors were still around, I was never able to tell my story. The few times I did, people dismissed the claims because I had no proof and Larry had that video.

I grew up thinking that all I ever had to offer was my body. That was not the last time I faced difficulty with abuse in HS. I was raped my junior year by a senior (funny enough him and Larry are actually decent friends now) and again by an ex my senior year (also close friends with Larry). Both have apologized. Even so, I hated myself. I was so sure that whatever came to me was my fault. I became euphoric with my gender. I absolutely hated being a woman, the things I would say and do were absolutely cringey, I thought of woman as nothing but a vessel to be came in. My mother never really allowed me to dress the way I wanted to, she loved putting me in tight clothing; I had spent a lot of time blaming her for being sexualized but honestly, now I know it didn’t even matter what I wore, it never did. 

I got accepted into the college of my dreams, I thought I had finally escaped the horror that was HS but after a semester, my life went in an absolutely downward spiral. The environment I was in was extremely toxic. I started to smoke heavily, I missed classes, my anxiety was at an all time high; I always felt like I was on edge. My mother would call often to check in on me but I always felt like I was being asked in a hostile manor, as if she didn’t trust me. She always thought I was up to something else. Feb 14th, 2014 I was admitted into the Clinic for attempted OD. This was the first time anyone has ever told me that my childhood abuse had nothing to do with me and that it wasn’t my burden to carry. After a few weeks I was released. I took leave from school and came back to my home state. To my horror I was alerted that Larry had actually called my mother some time prior to me being admitted to tell her that I was out partying in the street doing drugs with men… that’s why she would call me the way she did, that’s what made me always feel like I was never allowed to talk about my feelings with her, because she never trusted me. I don’t know why my mother waited until I was back home to tell me this, she said she realized it was a lie when she called me and it was very clear that I was in bed and had not gone anywhere. She also said she eventually recognized his voice. This MF didn’t even go to the same university as me. 

Months on I would receive the occasional “prank call”, boys telling me that they met me at a club, harassing me, calling me dirty names in voicemails. Larry used to give my number out to people who would try to get with I assume his cousin. But that was the last I heard from him. I am speaking on this now because more recently I notice people who I am close to have befriended him again. Larry is now a born again Christian. He had been on a journey to become a pastor in his church. He had come out in the past as gay but is now “praying the gay away” because it is a “sin”. I have had people come to me and tell me that he’s changed and is finding himself. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what I would do if I ever were to run into him and now that I am starting to see him tagged often in posts with mutual friends, I feel like that day is approaching. I wish I could just tell every single one of his dear friends how terrible of a person he is but without the proof, it’ll forever be my word against his. 


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38 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi hotmess,

    Thank you for coming and sharing your story. Also, it was very considerate of you to include a tw. I’m sorry to hear about what you had to deal with at such a young age. Kids can be so cruel when they are young. What larry did was wrong. You didn’t consent to what was going on and he should have known that. We are all here for you, and we believe you. What you are experiencing is valid and we are all here to help you work through it. I hope sharing helped a little.

    Stay strong,
    T

  2. laurenp34 Volunteer

    Dear hotmess,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this at such an early age. And I am sorry that you feel that it is just your word against someone else’s. We believe you and are here for you. Larry had no right to do those things to you, to take advantage of you at such a vulnerable point in your life, and to take advantage of the trust you put in him. You didn’t deserve any of this, and none of it is your fault. Your response to all of this trauma is valid and I hope you find peace.
    Sending love,
    Lauren

  3. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi hotmess,

    What these people did was not okay, and none of it was your fault. You didn’t deserve it. It’s awful that Larry hurt you in these ways and manipulated the people around you. He should have respected your wishes when you told him you didn’t want to go to the dance instead of putting you through years of pain and trauma. I promise you, you have so much more to offer than your body, and I wish you weren’t made to feel otherwise.

    I wish your friends didn’t befriend him again, and it’s understandable that you feel worried about possibly seeing him. I agree with the people who suggested blocking him, taking a social media break, and/or letting your friends know that you don’t want to hear about him, even if he has changed. If these mutual friends don’t respect your boundaries, I would recommend distancing yourself from them as well. Your safety and well being are the first priorities. You know the truth of what happened, and we believe you and your story.

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. Larry was wrong when he said no one cared; we care about you, and we are happy to support you. If you need any resources or you just want to vent, please feel free to write back. I hope you’re doing okay, and I’m sending you love.

  4. coachdiggs Volunteer

    Hello Hotmess,
    First I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you had to go through all of that drama for so long. You should not have to go through all of that pain. I also say that it made it harder for you with school. I know it made it harder for you to focus on school. Larry is a horrible person for what he did to him. I would say good job for fighting against him for all of those times. I would say if you need somebody to talk I would say you should take to a therapist, so it can help you out in many ways. I wanted to say keep being strong Hotmess and do not let anybody get in your way. Lastly, thank you for sharing your story with us and also keep us posting with updates when you can.
    Kevin

  5. leoreslavick Volunteer

    Hi,
    I’m so sorry that you had to carry all of this trauma for so long. The fact that someone is holding this over your head for something that happened in middle school completely baffles me. You did not deserve all the trauma that you had to endure all these years and I am so sorry that your experience in school was traumatized because of it. You have so much more to offer than just your body and I am so sorry that he made you feel like that. What happened to you was in no way your fault and Larry is such an awful and despicable person for creating all of these lies about you. The fact that he called your mom to tell her that you were out partying just shows that he has no life and is just trying to get under your skin. You are so strong for fighting against him and standing up to him. Your word and story matters and I am so sorry that he manipulated the situation all these years into having people believe only his side.
    Stay strong and please continue to update us,
    Leore

  6. jcastle38 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry that you have been carrying so much trauma with you for so many years. I am glad you came across our platform and was finally able to share your story with us. Please know that NONE of it was your fault nor the way you dressed. You didn’t deserve any of those horrible things that happened to you and I’m so sorry that you’ve encountered so many awful people in your life. Larry is an awful person that should have never lied and taken advantage of you the way he did. So I understand the anger you must feel when seeing people praise Larry and think he’s a great person for the things he is doing publicly. I hate that this happened to you and that he is still popping up in your life to this day. Know that you are incredibly strong for carrying this with you all of these years and for overcoming your OD attempt. You are an amazing person that deserves a much better and happier life and I know you will accomplish that and more. Feel free to come back and share with us whenever you feel the need to do so. You can also head over to our “find help” tab, or text “VOICE” to 741-741. I hope you are able to heal from this, it is never easy but talking about it is the first step to healing and you did great in sharing with us. Brighter days are coming, I am sending you all my love and positivity. We are all here for you.

    Lots of love,
    Joce

  7. JudithT Volunteer

    Hi hotmess,

    Thank you so much for trusting us with your story. It sounds like you’ve been holding onto these painful memories and experiences for so long. It shows real bravery and strength that you’ve been working through and processing all of this, and that you’re here to share your truth.

    None of this was ever your fault. It has never been something that you allowed or let happen to you, because you didn’t want any of this. He is the one who lied, violated your trust, manipulated you, and hurt you. Like you said, this is something that has never been your fault. It takes a lot of strength and clarity to declare that like you did in your first paragraph, and that realization is something you can be proud of.

    It was courageous that you fought back against him, that you tried to tell people what happened and dispel the rumors. It sounds unfair and hurtful that people dismissed what you said and chose to believe the person who hurt you for so long. It sounds so painful to carry these secrets that continued to affect you through college. You deserved to be believed and to be supported by your friends and your own mother.

    You always deserve to have people ask for consent, always, to have people notice when you’re in pain, and check in with you to make sure that you’re okay. You deserve to have people genuinely care about you. You are human, and you are worthy of love and respect.

    I can’t imagine how frustrating and infuriating it must be to see this person be applauded in social media, and it makes sense that it might trigger some painful memories and feelings. I’m grateful that you chose to come forward with your story and reclaim your truth, and I hope that you might feel empowered to continue on a journey towards healing and self-love. Please feel free to come by and share whenever you want–we will always be here to listen to you and support you.

    Sending love and strength,
    Judith

  8. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi hotmess,

    I hope that sharing your story has been a help to you. It is a huge step to tell others about what happened in the past so thank you for taking the time to do that with us here. It sounds like you have never been able to start your journey towards healing from has happened to you because of Larry because he’s somehow remained a constant in your life even when you think you’ve been able to escape him. The fact that he continued to seek you out and create stories, even from afar, in order to make your life miserable is so upsetting. It sounds like you have been able to have some relief from him being in your life to some degree for a little while, yet he has had a long-term impact and I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. It must be a challenge to be mutual friends with people who associate with him. Is this just through social media or are you hearing updates from friends about him? One thing that I may recommend right now is to take a break from social media as you are working through all of this so that you don’t have any added stress seeing updates about Larry. I would also talk to your friends and tell them you don’t want to hear about what he is doing now. If they are familiar with everything that has happened they should be understanding about what a trigger that would be for you and respect your request. If they continue to talk about him then I would say it may be helpful to take a break from them as well as you try to sort through the events in the past. I would agree with sarahj in that Larry sounds like he is unwell and what he did in the past was wrong. Do you think it would be helpful for you to receive an apology from him or are you completely ready to be rid of him in your life? These are questions to think about as you try to heal from the past. As has been previously recommended by others, our Find Help tab has a lot of resources near you that you can search. Perhaps a therapist could be helpful to you as you are now sharing and recounting your story. You do not deserve to feel like a prisoner in your own life because of Larry anymore. We are here to do what we can to help you as often as you need!

  9. kr1510 Volunteer

    Hi Hotness!
    Thank you so much for sharing with us! We are here to support you! This is a great first step in your journey.
    You are never at fault for what has happened to you. Elementary and high school can be a dark time and I’m glad you made it through and somebody talked you out of harming yourself.
    Larry sounds very toxic and horrible in writing, that imagining him in person is terrifying. I am glad that you were comfortable to share your story with AVFTI and ready to share on your personal page. Please feel free to update us on your journey!

  10. sarahj Volunteer

    Hi hotmess,

    Welcome to AVFTI and thank you for sharing your story with us. Please know this is a safe space where you can update us at any time on your journey – we are here to support you!

    I am so very sorry to hear of the experiences you have had to endure. You were a child, and certainly not at fault. Not in the slightest. Larry’s behavior was unacceptable and inexcusable. I’m also sorry to hear that his harassments carried on, even after you left for college. Larry seems incredibly cruel and.. unwell, for that matter. I am thankful that the Crisis Help Line operator referred you here and I am hopeful that sharing your story with us has allowed you to feel a bit better — maybe even liberated. Now that you have shared your story with us, would you consider sharing it with someone else? Like a close friend? I wonder if sharing it with someone close to you might give you that much more validation? Obviously, that’s something to consider in your own time.. when you are ready.

    Alternatively – I might suggest checking out the “Find Help” tab here on the site to look into different resources that are available to you during this journey. You have a purpose, you have a right to exist.. just like everyone else. You are important.

    Lastly, I understand what you mean regarding your word vs. Larry’s… only you can decide when and what is appropriate to share with others. There is no right or wrong answer to that, only the answer that feels best for you. I hope you don’t have to cross paths with him, though one day it might happen. It may even been worthwhile to think about what you might do should that situation arise. What would be the best “game-plan”?

    Please feel free to come back at any time to update us here or just to write your thoughts out. We are always here for you!
    Sending you strength and good vibes,
    sarahj

  11. haesol Volunteer

    Hello hotmess,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry you went through those awful experiences, you didn’t deserve any of that. I believe you, and I must tell you none of what happened was your fault.

    You didn’t deserve to be gaslit and dismissed by those who got to hear you. I’m really sorry the environment led you to keep this inside until now. No matter how long it passes, whether you ever talk about this to someone else or not, your story and your feelings regarding it are still –and will always be– 100% valid.

    I sincerely hope you won’t cross paths with such a horrible person ever again. If you’re ready, or feel safe in doing so, maybe you could tell a close friend or a family member about it, just so that if you ever cross paths with him again, someone will know that he is not someone to trust and they can help you out. What you do is up to you, and we support you.

    You deserve to find healing, in whatever way that comes for you as it’s a different journey for everyone. You’re a very strong person and it’s such a brave thing to have come forward to share your story. If you want, feel free to check the Find Help tab for some resources that can hopefully aid you. We are here for you.

    Stay safe.

  12. sarahsays Volunteer

    Hey hotmess,

    First & foremost, thank you for coming here and sharing your story with us. One thing that stood out to me about your post is you pointing out how young you were and that you still thought like a child. I just want to affirm that your feelings are valid. You WERE a child, behaving & thinking in a way that one would by being forced into terrible things but others who were behaving far out of their age range. It’s terrible and I’m sorry so much was robbed from you.

    I know how exhausting it can feel to want to share your story, but then ontop of it all to have to see mutual connections still befriend them. You do not deserve to have to feel this way. None of what happened was your fault. Larry is an abusive, evil person who can attempt to cover his wrong doings all he would like, we know the truth and we believe you. We stand with you and are on your side, and I hope that if you do choose to share your story with those more direct in your life that they voice the same support. Please take care and know we are here for you.

  13. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi hotmess,

    Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad you found us! Hopefully we can help you heal.

    I’m so sorry Larry treated you with such disrespect. It’s gross that anyone would ever think that behavior is acceptable. You didn’t do anything wrong and I hope you know that. He manipulated you and took advantage of you. It sounds like he is trying to better himself, but you absolutely don’t owe him anything. Just because he may have changed doesn’t negate what he did to you. Your feelings are 100% valid and I hope you know we support you no matter what.

    Feel free to check out our “Find Help” tab at the top of the page. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you!

    Marissa

  14. pinksky92 Volunteer

    Hello there,

    I want to thank you for trusting us with your story. I am truly sorry for all that you’ve had to endure. Elementary and high school can be a difficult time, but it can also be a fun time for self-expression and discovering your identity. It sounds like you were denied this potentially positive experience.

    Larry sounds like a seriously disturbed, evil and toxic individual. It seems like he derives pleasure out of others’ pain. It also seems as though he would not allow you to be happy and would consistently check-in on how you were doing, with the hope that you were doing poorly.

    However, in all of this, I could sense your strength and courage. What you described has undoubtedly been incredibly difficult. I am not sure if you have spoken to a therapist, but I cannot emphasize the importance of being able to share your story with a professional who can help you to heal and process all of the emotions that you’ve had to endure all these years. In addition, we have some great resources in our “Find Help” tab.

    Sharing your story with us is a great first-step. I want to thank you again for being so brave in coming forward. I truly with you all the best on your healing journey.

  15. silverliningsunshine Volunteer

    Hi hotmess,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us and for being vulnerable. Our platform has resources if you’d like to go through them under the “Help” tab. I’m so sorry you had to go through all this and I hope you know that none of this is your fault and you did not deserve any of this to happen to you. It takes a lot of courage and bravery for sharing the pain you’ve gone through for over a decade. I am so sorry Larry tried to interfere with the relationships with your peers, friends, and family, and I hope you have been able to find a strong support system you can trust. I truly hope you are able to find peace within yourself on your healing journey, and you deserve to be set free from him. Again, thank you for sharing and trusting all of us with your story. You are much stronger than you think, and you are not alone.

    We all believe you and are here for you. Please continue to keep in touch.
    -silverliningsunshine

  16. brookeA Volunteer

    Hi hotmess,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so glad you know that none of what happened is your fault because Larry is the one at fault. What he did was absolutely terrible, and I’m sorry that it seems like he hasn’t had to take responsibility. Your feelings are totally understandable, and if you ever decide to share what he did with the people around you, I hope they listen to you and believe you. You deserve to be supported and believed. We are always here for you, if you want to share more. I wish you the best, and I hope you are able to find peace and happiness.

  17. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello,

    First off, I am so happy you found out about us! I see this is your first time so I wanted to be sure to share this link with you: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/ This link has additional resources in case you ever need them.

    I am so sorry to hear about what happened with Larry. I hope you know that you didn’t deserve any of the things he did to you and nothing that happened was your fault. It sounds like you have been through so much and you are so brave for coming here and sharing this with us.

    I can completely understand how frustrating it is that he isn’t getting in trouble for what he did and is being praised by others in his church. One thing that I found comfort in was a similar story, where somebody said that while they didn’t have proof, people like this often do get what is coming to them as bad people often slip up or show their true motives. Bad people don’t stop being bad and often its just one mistake such as admitting something that can get them their justice. If he is also as truly a religious person as he says he is, he will have to live with the things he did.

    Again, you have so much courage for coming here! One thing that stood out to me with your story was that it felt like the climax of a much larger story. I feel that the worst is over and this next scene is the part where you overcome what happened to you and reclaim your life and create the life you want for yourself. You are such a strong person and I know you are capable of anything! 🙂 We are also here for you any time you wish to come back and share more with us.

  18. Caitlin Volunteer

    Hello,

    Thank you for sharing. You are a worthy person. Worthy of so much more then you have been afforded. You didn’t deserve any of this from Larry, V, and all the others who treated you with anything but respect. It’s not your fault.

    You have had to go through a lot and I hope you are supported now as you maneuver through healing and processing.

    I can’t imagine what it might be like to possibly come into contact with him again. Just know in your heart, mind, and being that he is responsible for his own story and his actions within it.

    Your story is still unfolding and is one of strength, and while you are coming out from under the pain and unimaginable acts you are finding your voice and that is beautiful and no one can take that without permission.

    Keep moving forward and take it step by step and day by day.

    We are here if you ever want to come back and share more!

    -Caitlin

  19. Penrose Volunteer

    Thank you for coming here to sharing this story after carrying it by yourself for so long. I am so sorry all of this happened to you. We believe you and are here for you.

  20. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi hotmess,
    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. This is not your fault and what Larry did to you is not okay. I’m happy that once your mom realized that it was Larry telling her you were doing bad things in college that she knew it was a lie. I’m happy that you got help at the clinic. You should never feel scared to say your story or feel like people won’t believe you because you and your feelings are valid, I believe you, everyone here at AVFTI believes you, and this is your story you can say it and tell it to whoever you want to. I’m sorry that your friends are starting to be friends with him again. Something I always worry about is the future and what’s going to happen, but the great thing about the future is it’s your future and you have every right to control it. If you are worried that your friends might invite Larry to hang out with you before you agree to hang out you can ask who is going and if they say he is going, you can just say “you feel uncomfortable being around him” or you can just say “I’m sorry I can’t make it today.” If you don’t want to see him you don’t have to. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. We are always here for you and if you need anything else you can always write back. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  21. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Hotmess

    First of all, Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I am so sorry you had been through this and Larry had no right to do any of the things he did to you and you didn’t deserve. You deserve safety and peace and no one should take that from you. We all are here for you and truly care. If you need to share anything just know we all are here for you!

  22. musicislove

    Hi Hotmess,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story with us, I’m so sorry for all that you have been through. Larry had no right to do any of the things he did to you and you didn’t deserve any of it. He never should have hurt you the ways he did, with all of the rumors and lies he made you believe as well as all of the abuse he put you through. Going to your mom with those lies is also o wrong and I’m so sorry she didn’t bring them to you sooner so you could clear that situation up. You deserve safety and peace, no one should be able to take that away from you. I’m so glad you finally got to be somewhere where someone could tell you that what you have been through is not your fault, because you should have been told that so much sooner. I hope that you are doing better since you were admitted to that clinic, I know how hard it can be when people around you have been convinced that someone that has caused you so much pain, but no matter what others think, you are allowed to choose for yourself to stay away and keep yourself safe. Whatever you need to do while you continue to heal is what’s important. With the chances of running into him being so high, I think it’s very smart to have a plan of what to do so you won’t feel so blindsided. We are always here for you and please come back anytime.

    Delaney

  23. chompyapple1 Volunteer

    Hi Hotmess,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It’s great to hear the crisis hot line refer you to us. We will always be here to support you and help you find the steps to heal. It’s so unfortunate to hear how Larry manipulated and abused you at such a young age. I don’t exactly know your current situation, but distancing yourself from him might be good. Take time to heal, however long that may be. Find support systems around you, or someone you’re very close to. I hope you continue to be resilient and keep a positive outlook for the future. We are all here for you. Stay strong!

  24. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Hotmess,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that you have gone through so much. Your resilience and courage are incredible. None of what happened was your fault. You deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.

    I’m glad that you were referred to A Voice for the Innocent. We believe you. I know it wasn’t easy to share your story, but I hope being able to do so has been helpful and brought you some relief. Please let us know how else we can help. In the meantime, you can find additional resources under our Find Help tab. Stay strong. You are not alone.

  25. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hi hotmess,
    I am so glad the crisis hot line directed you to AVFTI. This is a wonderful community and we are always here to support you and believe you.
    I am sorry for everything you have endured. You are so brave for sharing your story, I know how much courage it can take. You did not deserve any of what Larry or others did to you, and none of it was your fault. He had no right to treat you that way or manipulate you. I wish everyone had respected your desires.
    I completely understand wanting to tell everyone just so they can see who he truly is. However, you have to put yourself first, and do what is best for your own healing. If seeing him in posts online makes you uncomfortable, you can always try to cut that off. It is entirely your choice.
    Do you have a support system around you, or at least someone you can trust and talk to? That can really help sometimes when you feel like you can’t share with everyone. You can always come back here and update us if you would like!

  26. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hey hotmess,

    First, I want to say that I am glad you found us and shared your story. I know it probably was not easy, but I hope you find some relief with sharing after holding onto this for so long. Second, I want to reiterate that I believe you, and that none of this was your fault. You didn’t ask for or want any of this, and you were unfortunately put in some tough situations especially for a young person. As someone who’s also experienced manipulation at a young age, I get it. You should be proud of yourself for making it through what you did, and having the strength to cut ties and keep going even when faced with everything that happened after.

    With a likely impending run-in with Larry, I think it would be helpful for you to have a plan of what you are going to do. Of course, you may respond differently in the moment (and that’s okay) but it may help to ease some of your anxiety if you have a plan ahead of time. This may be your opportunity to get what you need to help you heal if you want – acknowledgement, an apology, telling him he hurt you, etc. If you wanted and haven’t done so, you could also consider blocking him on social media if you do not want any communication. It’s a lot to think about but you are in control now. What do you need to heal? As others have recommended, we have the Find Help tab if you want to speak with someone, or you can continue to post here whenever you want. We’re here for you!

    KatherineL

  27. Breanna Volunteer

    Hi hotmess,

    Thank you for coming here and trusting us with your story. I first want to commend you on your courage for being willing to share this publicly. I am so terribly sorry to hear about all that you’ve endured. You did not deserve any of it – none of it was your fault. It was absolutely wrong for Larry to have manipulated you and treated you like that. It’s common to not remember pieces of those experiences and to be confused about the sequence of events. And, it doesn’t invalidate what happened to you. I wish there were people around to support you – you shouldnt have had your experiences invalidated. We believe you. You are not those things the rumors said about you. You are so strong and resilient. You are worthy. How are you feeling right now? Is there anything that we can do to support you? I have so much respect for you for sharing your story with us. Keep your chin up. We are rooting for you.

    Sending you much love and strength,
    Bre

  28. karinakalke Volunteer

    Hi hotmess,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that takes a lot of courage. I am so sorry you’ve experienced these traumas. Please know that none of it was your fault. I’m so sorry you were manipulated like that and that Larry continued to mistreat you into college. I hope you never have to deal with him again. It’s totally understandable that some of your memories are fuzzy. It’s a way for your brain to protect you from remembering those events. If you’re interested, there are plenty of resources under the “Find Help” tab that I think would be worth looking into. I know how lonely it can be when it’s your word against his, but we believe you. We are all here for you. Please feel free to share again at any time.

    Sending love, support, and strength,
    Karina

  29. amilne9 Volunteer

    Dear hotmess,

    For starters, I know it may feel like your life is a hot mess, hence the username, but I want you to know that you are so much more than that. I am so sorry for all the things that happened to you, sincerely. I can’t even imagine going through everything that you went through in such a short period of time, and the fact that it is still lingering over you today just makes it even worse. None of this should have ever happened to you, and you deserved to be treated so much better. I wish I could make it all go away for you, but the most I can do is listen and try to remind you that you are more than what happened to you. I know its easy to blame yourself, but please try to remember that most of this happened when you were at the most vulnerable point in your life, your teenage years. All of us have had experiences during this time and have acted in ways that we wish we could take back, but its not your fault at all for being influenced, you were extremely vulnerable, and I’m so sorry no one was there to protect you. This Larry person, I’m sorry to say it, sounds absolutely nuts. I am so sorry that he widdled his way into your life at such a young age and continues to manipulate the people around you today. I really hope that you never ever have to run into him again. The only advice I can offer is to try and distance yourself from him, and maybe seek out a restraining order if he continues to show up at your house. I know that seeking out legal action can be scary, so I am not trying to pressure you to do anything like that at all if you are not comfortable. This is such a scary situation, and I know how it must feel to think you are the only one who will ever know the truth. Just know that the truth always comes to the surface eventually, and I feel that his reign of terror will come to an end when his friends see who he truly is. All you need to worry about right now is trying to protect yourself, and healing from what has happened. Thank you so much for being strong enough to share your story, and I am wishing you all the peace and happiness in the world as you grow from this. You are beautiful, cherished, and loved, and please don’t hesitate to come back and update us if you ever need to talk.

    Much Love,
    Ari <3

  30. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry this happened to you. That is so much to go through for anybody, especially a young girl. Please remember you didn’t let this happened and it isn’t your fault. You did not deserve any of this, and what he did to you was incredibly manipulative and abusive. There are resources under our FIND HELP tab if you need any. We’re here for you and you are not alone.

  31. Neesha Volunteer

    Hello Hotmess,
    My heart breaks for everything you have endured. I am sorry that you have self hatred within you, I relate and it is so so hard to live with. I know it’s ‘normal’ for kids to push relationships. I wish some of them understood and accepted that you hated it and you did want a guy liking you. The way he showed he liked you was aggressive and I completely understand why you found it nauseating.
    I ache knowing that you had your aunts ring stolen from you and kids told you to end your life. You were horrendously bullied and your mom had the right idea hiring a PI.
    Larry was abusive he lied to you to coerce you into sexual acts. He perverted your natural wish to keep the people around you safe, to sexually assault you. It makes sense that you froze and didn’t stop him. The blurriness of your memories is likely your brain protecting you. V did the right thing to ask you and honor your request. You’ve been through so much harassment at Larry’s hands. It is awful that in a world of his word against hers, the victim ends up feeling alone and unheard.

    I believe you and I see the pain you’re living with today. I have no words to express the depth of my respect for you for sharing your story with us. Thank you for trusting us.

  32. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey there hotmess,

    I’m glad you were able to find us and share your story. We believe you, and you are incredibly powerful for sharing your story. You didn’t deserve to be hurt like you were. I hope that you’re safe now and are able to stay away from Larry. A couple of others have suggested this, but are you interested in finding a therapist? There are some really great ones out there who are trauma-informed and LGBT+ affirming–I’m very lucky to have one, myself. There’s some reprocessing exercises that could be really helpful to you regarding the parts of your experience that you are particularly struggling with. There’s a lot of resources in our “Find Help” tab that might resonate with you! We’re always here to help how we can. Come back any time you want to share.

  33. Starling Volunteer

    Hi there,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. You didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t your fault. You are very strong for coming here and speaking out like this. Have you considered talking to a professional about what happened? A therapist might be able to help you work through the thoughts and emotions you’re struggling with? If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  34. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for all that you’ve shared with us. Thank you for your honesty and your courage; you are incredibly strong for speaking up about this. As I was reading your story I was awed by your immense resilience, and eloquence. I want you to know that we believe you, and we’re here to support you in whatever way we can. I can’t imagine how painful and exhausting it must be too carry all this on your shoulders, and to not have that validation from other people. I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid, and it must be so incredibly frustrating to have people close to you befriend him again. You mentioned that you’ve been having a hard time making sense of some things, and that’s completely understandable. Have you considered reaching out to a therapist? It might help you process and make sense of what happened. You deserve to be supported, and you deserve to find peace. Whatever you choose to do, know that you can always share with us here.

    Wishing you all the best,
    -Rachel

  35. seanprender34 Volunteer

    Hotmess,

    I want to begin by telling you how brave and resilent you are for overcoming everything that you have. I also want to tell you that absolutely none of the things that you detailed in your post was your fault. I am so happy that the crisis line worker referred you to our community as I believe that real strength and recovery can be gained from posting your story here on AVFTI. There is also a “Find Help’ tab avaliable on AVFTI and if you think it could help you out I encourage you to try it. I sincerely hope that you have better days ahead and you can close this chapter in your life. Please feel free to come back and post again as we are always open to hearing your story and will always be here to support you.

    Sean

  36. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there hotmess!
    I am so gad that you had the crisis line worker tell you to share your story here & am glad you did! As I read your story, my heart broke & I can feel your pain. Please know that you’re not alone, & I am here as is everyone on avfti page! Speaking of that, our “find help” page at the top where you shared is packed full of resources. Also there is a crisis help line available text voice to 741741. You are incredibly strong, tough & brave! No, you didn’t do anything wrong, nor did you deserve any of that. I am sorry that what happened lead you to being admitted for OD, but in doing so, you were able to hear that you shouldn’t have to carry that burden. I am glad to know that despite everything that you endured, you are still here! I know how painful it is & that the struggle is real, but you are worth it to survive & you have! I care about you. Take some deep breaths, & take things day by day. You have so much going on, you deserve to find some peace, & begin to reclaim you. As far as remembering, that will come in time but for now, your mind has allowed you to remember what you need. Maybe in time, you can find a therapist to share more with & begin to pieces all the brokenness back. I had an opportunity to attend a retreat for women of childhood sexual assault. The name is Haven Retreat sponsored by the younique foundation. Maybe this could be something you could check into (no cost to you except for your own transportation) I’m sorry this is so long, but I want you to know I am listening!
    Dawn

  37. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming here to share your story. I am so sorry for what happened, and what this person did to you and put you through. You didn’t deserve any of this, and none of this was your fault. I believe you. I’m sorry that you have not had the support and belief that you deserve. You are welcome to come back and share here anytime, and I’m glad the Crisis Line referred you here.

    Erin

  38. zelda Day Captain

    Welcome, h.m. I don’t want to call you hot mess. You’re not a hot mess; you’ve just been through a lot of horrible traumas and abuse. And none of that is your fault! I’m sorry Larry abused you for all those years, and I’m sorry you experienced rape in your latter years of high school.

    Your story really touched my heart. I can relate to some aspects, like being abused and filmed at the hands of someone older and sociopathic. My rapist also spread those videos around town, and I had to find out in the same way you did. Rape is already devastating enough, but knowing that it’s been filmed and shared makes the trauma seem like it will truly live on forever.

    I can definitely understand college being tough and wanting to self-medicate, as a result of all you’ve endured and survived. I didn’t last long at all in my first year at university due to my traumas. It took me 3 years before I was able to go back and register again. I needed to give myself time, space and healing before I could even think about school and studies.

    What you’ve lived through is very serious and no small experience. Your traumas, like anyone else’s, are a very big deal. It’s okay to feel the way you feel, and it’s okay if you don’t know where to turn or what to do. I’m glad the crisis center mentioned us.

    AVFTI can provide you with anything you need. We have resources in the Find Help section, and we have volunteers who are very dedicated, kind and compassionate. If there is anything we can do for you, let us know.

    The last sentence of your story is something so many people can relate to, including me. It’s very infuriating that people may perceive our stories as he said/she said. If only they could witness the truth for themselves, right? They would think twice about calling you, me or any other victim of abuse a liar. At AVFTI, we believe you. I believe you.

    You are very, very courageous for sharing your story today. It’s no small feat. You have so much more strength than you may realize, and I hope you will find your way towards the life of your dreams. You deserve to live a beautiful life in spite of any trauma, abuse or perpetrator.

    Thank you for trusting us enough to tell your truth. I hope you continue to tell your truth. Your story deserves to be told, and it definitely deserves to be believed and respected.

    Have a great day, h.m. Come back again anytime. You’re always welcome here.