TW: SA, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, BLOOD, GENDER DYSPHORIA, SELF HARM, CHILD PORNOGRAPHY.
I was going to share my story publicly on my Instagram but a rep from the Crisis Help Line told me to try this first before putting myself out there. Hi, I am currently 25 years old and have been holding on to my story for 11 years now. My abuser walks freely as I sulk in self hatred for something that has never been my fault.
When I was 14 years old, a classmate named Larry sexually assaulted me. I don’t use the word rape because I had always been told that rape involves intercourse, which this wasn’t. Despite me growing into my body, I was still a child mentally. I played with littlest pet shops and barbies. I never let the laughter of my classmates get to me when we were allowed to bring our toys to class. I did not grow up liking boys; I never cared for crushes and to be honest, I’m pretty sure that if I was allowed to develop at my own pace sexually, I would have never had interest in doing so. In 5th grade Larry’s crush on me was the talk amongst my friends, the idea of a boy liking any of us was a big deal I guess but I absolutely hated it. He would get me gifts; he would tell me how much he loved me, how much he wanted me, he even got me a build a bear with a voice recording “I really like you (my name)”; it was nauseating. Our middle school dance came up and of course he asked me. I hesitated but my two best friends at the time pushes me to say yes because, well, how exciting! As the days approached I became more uneasy, I decided to take back my acceptance the day before the dance, little did I know that was going to be the triggering point for the rest of my miserable life.
7th and 8th grade were an absolute nightmare. A girl who had hated me for a while now had accused me of trying to steal her bf, my BEST FRIEND. I was cornered into bathrooms, reminded how I was never going to be pretty, harassed for having breasts, laughed at for not understanding sex jokes, it was made clear that no matter what, I was always going to be the bad person of any situation. I remember having my deceased aunts ring taken from me because it looked too similar to the one given by my friend to his gf. I received a letter telling me to kill myself. My mother hired a PI but nothing came from it. To this day I have people make fun of me for having someone come investigate as if THAT was the problem here.
It wasn’t until I started college that I realized the source of all this drama, the gossip, the lies, the letter, it all came from Larry. I became suicidal. At this point I turned to online outlets to express myself. This kind of exposure and lack of supervision was a terrible thing for a 13 year old. I had some minor attempts, most of my friends online were also pretty suicidal so it didn’t feel like such a big deal. Luckily someone was able to talk me out of it. I never spoke about it to anyone irl. Soon enough 9th grade came and when using an outward approach to get to me stopped working, Larry managed to find a way to incorporate himself into my personal life. We became best friends. He used the same tactics he used on everyone else to make me trust him. We went everywhere together, inseparable to be honest, then it happened. October 31, 2009. I dresses up as Lady Gaga for Halloween. I invited Larry and another friend trick or treating. They thought it was lame but I didn’t care, I still thought like a child. It started with a “panty raid” they locked me out of my room and began going through my underwear drawer, I was mortified. A few hours pass and they start joking on trying to get me to sit on my other friends lap. When I refused, he decided it was time to leave; Larry stuck around and decided to invite his best friend, let’s call him V. We went to V’s house and decided to bring him back over. He was a good kid and to this day, I refuse to ever put him at fault. I have always had a soft spot for him, Larry knew that. Larry thought it would be a fun idea to try to undress me. Everything is a little blurry from then on out. He convinced me to perform fellatio on V. Larry told me he would teach me since both me and V were inexperienced. When we stopped Larry decided to lay me on my bedroom floor. He hovered over me and told me to keep my eyes under the door to make sure no one else was coming in. He forced his fingers inside of me. I had just turned 14 a few weeks prior and in pretty sure this was my first sexual experience. I began to bleed. I’m not sure what happened after, I don’t even remember where V was during this, I just wanted it to stop. I never spoke out about it since. Larry told me it was ok and this was going to be our little secret, just some friends having some fun.
At some point throughout the year, Larry tells me that a gang was out to get him. He was being threatened to perform sexual acts at random moments because “they are always watching”. There had been a rumor going around about him and V getting intimate on a couch during a movie, Larry told me this was part of that. He told me that I could get killed if I didn’t do what he said because I was already involved, so I obliged. No matter where we were, what was going on, whatever was requested needed to be done. One day we were hanging out at a friends house with “the boys”. Larry pulled me and V aside, told us we had to make out in the other room and that it was dire. It was clear both of us were uncomfortable with this decision but we did it anyway. I stayed behind afterwards and began to cry. Larry found me and had the audacity to cry with me. He held me, told me everything was going to be okay, that it hurt him too and that he wished that me and V didn’t have to go through this with him. Although minor requests, this proceeded to go on for God knows how long. Then it happened.
It was Summer I believe going into sophomore year. Larry invites a group of us to Club abyss, a popular teen club here at the time. His cousin from Michigan was coming to visit, I was stoked. She was so sweet and beautiful; I was obsessed with the idea of even being able to be in her presence, Larry knew that. We had fun; I actually met my soon to be partner of three years that day. We got back to Larry’s place to spend the night. It had been a while since any incident, I guess I thought it was over. Boy was I wrong.. Larry, his cousin and I fell asleep on the same bed. It was very large so the space between us was enough to be comfortable. As I fall asleep I began to feel Larry inching up into my backside, I moved forward but he wasn’t giving up. Every time I began to fall asleep I would be woken up by him pressing up against me. At this point I yelled at him to get away, I told him I was uncomfortable. He apologized, told me that he didn’t mean to. A few hours pass, I wake up to Larry under the covers with his face up against me and a camera pointed to my vagina. I was mortified. I don’t remember much after that. I remember looking over at his cousin in hopes that she would wake up to stop him, she never did. He apologized and asked me just to let him touch me a little without the camera, I never responded, he took that as an indication to kept going. I don’t know why I didn’t leave. I don’t know why I let any of this happen to me. I guess I fell asleep afterwards l, I don’t know.
Warning: The order of the span of events for the next day are extremely fuzzy; the harder I think about it, the more difficult it becomes to make sense of it.
Not long after waking up his cousin had left to go do something else. Larry had gotten into an argument with her over something, maybe her hooking up with someone or the lack there of? At some point while hanging with just Larry, V comes over. Larry tells us we have to have sex on his bed. He said he was not going to watch, that he was going to keep his distance. He locked us in his bedroom. His room had glass slide in doors so even without him being in the room, we are still visible to him. I get on top of V. He tries to get me to straddle him. I guess he saw the pain in my eyes becuase right when we were getting ready to start he looks at me and asks “you don’t want to do this do you?” I break down, I don’t think I have ever had anyone ask me that before after all that time. He hugs me and holds me close. He tells me he is sorry. After a few minutes Larry noticed that nothing was going on, he walks in to ask what happened, V shakes his head to tell him he is not going to do it. Larry was livid. He scolded V and they got into an argument. I’m pretty sure we ended up going for a walk soon after where they continued to bicker, I don’t remember the conversation they had after that.
Later that morning I found myself stuck alone in the house with Larry. We went upstairs to his mothers room. Everything seemed fine, we acted like the night before had never happened. We sat on the bed watching South Park, I’m pretty sure it was the meat balls episode. I was okay, then it happened. Larry pushes me down into the bed. At this point I had finally decided to fight back, I tried kicking him off but he held me down, he pinned me completely and covered my mouth to prevent me from screaming, we were home alone, it’s not like anyone was going to hear me anyway. I’m not sure if this event happened before or after the incident with V. The only reason I feel it was after was because I do remember feeling like it was punishment for not complying earlier. He told me no one cared, that I deserved it, no one was going to believe me. I don’t know what happened after that. I don’t even know if he had sex with me or if he just stuck something else inside of me, my brain had absolutely blocked the memory of whatever happened that day. Sometimes I wish I remembered but maybe it’s better if I don’t. I do remember the silence after, I remember V coming back into the house and up the stairs, I remember looking at him in pain, I never told him what had happened to me while he was gone. At some point the day was finally over. I went home and never spoke a word about it.
A few months later word goes around school that a video of me was circling around. They said I was doing a handstand while Larry performed acts on me while filming. I never got to see said video. I can’t even do a handstand. When I tried to speak out about it no one believed me. Larry had convinced people that I was a whore, at that point I had already started dating men, I had become extremely hyper sexual and people knew that so why would they not believe him? One day my partner at the time calls me screaming, he was ready to break things off with me. He asked me why I lied about him being my first, he called me a slut. I never bled during my first consensual time with my partner because my hymen had already been “popped” back in 2009 but when he initially asked, I brushed it off. I never had the heart to tell him that his friend had done that to me. During that call I ended up having to fess up to my partner in order to salvage the relationship (gross I know) … luckily he believed me. He told me Larry had confronted him at a movie theater telling him that we used to date and that Larry had broke things off with me because all I ever wanted was sex. My stomach dropped, Larry lost a hold of me so he tried using the people I cared about to get to me. At this point I finally decided to officially break the ties left between us. This was difficult due to us still going to school together and being part of the same friend group. Larry would often show up to my house unannounced and quite literally swing on the tree in my front yard waiting for me to get home. My mother would have to shoo him away while I hide away in order for me to be able to get into the house. This was all just a game for him. After everything Larry had tried countless times to try and make things difficult for me. Those rumors were still around, I was never able to tell my story. The few times I did, people dismissed the claims because I had no proof and Larry had that video.
I grew up thinking that all I ever had to offer was my body. That was not the last time I faced difficulty with abuse in HS. I was raped my junior year by a senior (funny enough him and Larry are actually decent friends now) and again by an ex my senior year (also close friends with Larry). Both have apologized. Even so, I hated myself. I was so sure that whatever came to me was my fault. I became euphoric with my gender. I absolutely hated being a woman, the things I would say and do were absolutely cringey, I thought of woman as nothing but a vessel to be came in. My mother never really allowed me to dress the way I wanted to, she loved putting me in tight clothing; I had spent a lot of time blaming her for being sexualized but honestly, now I know it didn’t even matter what I wore, it never did.
I got accepted into the college of my dreams, I thought I had finally escaped the horror that was HS but after a semester, my life went in an absolutely downward spiral. The environment I was in was extremely toxic. I started to smoke heavily, I missed classes, my anxiety was at an all time high; I always felt like I was on edge. My mother would call often to check in on me but I always felt like I was being asked in a hostile manor, as if she didn’t trust me. She always thought I was up to something else. Feb 14th, 2014 I was admitted into the Clinic for attempted OD. This was the first time anyone has ever told me that my childhood abuse had nothing to do with me and that it wasn’t my burden to carry. After a few weeks I was released. I took leave from school and came back to my home state. To my horror I was alerted that Larry had actually called my mother some time prior to me being admitted to tell her that I was out partying in the street doing drugs with men… that’s why she would call me the way she did, that’s what made me always feel like I was never allowed to talk about my feelings with her, because she never trusted me. I don’t know why my mother waited until I was back home to tell me this, she said she realized it was a lie when she called me and it was very clear that I was in bed and had not gone anywhere. She also said she eventually recognized his voice. This MF didn’t even go to the same university as me.
Months on I would receive the occasional “prank call”, boys telling me that they met me at a club, harassing me, calling me dirty names in voicemails. Larry used to give my number out to people who would try to get with I assume his cousin. But that was the last I heard from him. I am speaking on this now because more recently I notice people who I am close to have befriended him again. Larry is now a born again Christian. He had been on a journey to become a pastor in his church. He had come out in the past as gay but is now “praying the gay away” because it is a “sin”. I have had people come to me and tell me that he’s changed and is finding himself. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what I would do if I ever were to run into him and now that I am starting to see him tagged often in posts with mutual friends, I feel like that day is approaching. I wish I could just tell every single one of his dear friends how terrible of a person he is but without the proof, it’ll forever be my word against his.