Update sorry it’s been a while.Victim/survivor how to cope and how to become a survivor moving forward but fully also please I need some help with resources in my area for therapy and groceries hope your all well

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(warning could be triggering sorry) How do u get help when you don’t have any family and your coming from working in the game because you ran away from your group home treatment center at 16 only to wound up homeless working with a girl I knew and dealing drugs for a different gang while just recently moved to a group home almost 17 I got hooked onto drugs and ended up self working then I met a client who became now my ex because I met him online at 17 I was with him for 4 months I was trying to leave alot at  times but no one would help becausei was taken from my  adoptive family at 13 due to sexual Physical abuse from age 4-13 and my brother’s being taken but brought back but I fought for a long time now I’m 20 and have a kid and I feel so distant from this world I need him back because he was on his way to pick me up and we were going to see our ushal clients except I was homeless alot to because he starting raking fees for my ass to pay but the sex and the love is something its hard not to miss sorry if I sound crazy but they knew how to make you feel loved even when they had 4 other girls locked in a room with u we know this due to evidence of witness and photos and party’s happening but worst of all is the grief of there lose and wanting so bad just to please have them tell you they love you one more time or they promise to take you to there hometown so turkey for my man and that we’d get married I would let him save the money for the place we were gonna get that January if he didn’t get arrested by the girl I’ll tell u I’m not relivied I wish I was to be honest but I still want him to be ok and live an ok life and try to be happy because I can’t wrap my head around why or what has happened and just restort to eaither self blame or just getting irrated like my guy just not wanting to be around anyone anymore feeling extreme losses in motivation to want to do the things I used to love when I was using for example or before I had ran away and was in my 45th homes since 13 to now but at that time before I ran I was 16 but I was less unmotivated more anxious but a bit more of a function personally shits been to hard because I had to testify for my ex from what happened in 2016 two weeks ago for triel and I found out crazy shit that the girl he shot she decided so my girl an the original one who I started working with at 16 they were 19 but I fell in love with her as well which was hard to find out that they dropped her charges because her and myself couldn’t come to evidence to prove the ring leader and a bunch of stuff like that because he’s a very powerful person and were all screwed doing that but he was successful at this point to keeping his promises to make sure he needs to have a big show to make me look like the person who masterminded it and but I wouldn’t do that to no one yet I do believe he would change but there was one time that’ll never get out of my head well it likes to come alot it gives happy and sad and painful emotions when triggered to remember it so in the beginning we’d be locking in his room id me missing person for weeks sometimes forced to do motel work which I found out of hotels he has booked with me there getting complaints for to much noise or suspicious we’ve had cops come to the door at 2 different motel were we’d see up to sometimes 50 clients a day I’d see in motel work because they just come in and go they do there quickie and the guys watch at the door the ones who collect the money so we could have alcohol and Xanax all that but also for there stuff really it was better to not ask questions but motel work is messed up and causes lots of infections and mental scars that don’t go you stay in your own bubble of defence that you can’t pop because you don’t want to face the reality of how fucked up your past and your past reality is because it’s better to see them as good then bad sorry so back to what I was saying my ex would take us as in any of us girls living in the locked room out for a bit if we’ve worked enough that day or been good enough and he would drive you so it’s just you and him to his other house location which police just found but he cleaned shit this was in the beginning we’d worked all day that day I saw 15 clients this is probably around day 4 of me being on the run seeing min 9 to 10 clients a day serving out of message parlors were they apperntly have witness of me being there and recordings but I blocked that all I know is it was to ugly to want to look at but I’ll tell u they were just big orgys of humiliation plus the higher ups of the pimps it’s just fucking and some parties you will even switch what guy will work you while your guy does whatever until he comes to pick up from some next message parlors or strip club 4 days later when I would beg to work independently with him  but that night it was the 4 the night around there me and him were getting down at that house because I had been good so we were getting down all night I’m not gonna lie I had herpes and caught it from me so he got scared becuse even after I said it was hurting he’d still fuck me but I’m like ok whatever until it just wouldn’t go in and he started to panic realizing and was like come to the bathroom and I did he’s like we need to pour this blitch on my Dick and my pussy I was like why but he just poured it on it to apperntly as he would say to get rid of infections plus after he’d use alcohol rub to help clean it omfg it hurt so bad but it hurt so bad the hurt is numb but really that was underminded to in my mind because after I had a fever and he realized so he came over and held me all night for the first time the whole night without making us leave and it was really special so I prefer to look at that part because he showed me that he was sorry and that he loves me he would tell me he’d never do it again but will but I guess gaslight can someone please help me find resources for court prep because I have 2 more cases the one for retaliation right after my guy was arrested he got a hit on me I was still 17 and on my own then the third case is because when I was 17 I moved to my 4 the independent home living to have the Tenet date rape me and my girl for her to go to police he misses bail has a warrant now and now I have just accepted I’m sick and I can’t look after my kid until I get functional as well as healthier I just need help knowing how to do this also I will be moving out to be on my own again. Due to peel case involvement they don’t like me here until I can do the stuff they need which is like support groups all that but I can’t find any in Ontario please does anyone know any good resources and sorry last question I had another random sezuire except I’ve been sober for 4 months now why am I getting sezuire still is it part of stress or complex trauma if so how can I change so the mind doesn’t go to that thank u hope your all well maria a survivor/victim of human trafficking  


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10 comments

  1. mkyuellig

    Hi Maria,
    Good to hear from you again. I’m sorry that you have been struggling with some things, but it sounds like you’ve also been having some great successes. Congrats on your continued sobriety, that’s amazing. I would definitely get medical attention for your seizures, there are lots of different kinds of seizures and there are many causes. You should definitely get checked out just to make sure something bigger isn’t going on. It looks like everyone has provided you with an array of resources, but I would also add that you may want to do a search on sex-trafficking non-profits in your area. I know there are quite a few in the United States that help survivors of trafficking with medical bills, housing, groceries, vocational training, and things of that sort. I definitely think you would be a good candidate for a program like that.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  2. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Maria,

    I’m not really sure what you’re looking for, but here are a few websites that you might be able to use for help:

    https://canadiancentreforaddictions.org/on/ontario-drug-rehab/
    https://www.legalaid.on.ca/en/
    https://yourlegalrights.on.ca/common-question/what-are-my-options-if-i-cant-afford-lawyer
    https://www.cmhc-schl.gc.ca/en/developing-and-renovating/develop-new-affordable-housing/programs-and-information/provincial-territorial-programs-information/affordable-housing-programs-in-ontario

    Congratulations on being four months sober! I’m definitely not a doctor so I’m not positive, but I think seizures might happen for a bit after becoming clean while your body is still detoxing – however, that’s just a guess!! I wouldn’t take my word if I were you. Still, we are all super proud of you for being so strong through everything! Please don’t hesitate to update us again.

    Marissa

  3. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    Thanks for the update. Congratulations on 4 months sober! What a wonderful accomplishment. I’m not sure about resources specific to Ontario but you look through what we have available at the link here:

    https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/

    As always the crisis text line is available for immediate assistance by texting VOICE to 741741. I think addressing your seizures with a medical professional would be a good idea. Even if they are merely a symptom of your trauma, there could be other things contributing that need to be addressed. Please feel free to post anytime. We’re here for you.

    All the best,
    Becca

  4. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Maria,
    It is good to hear back from you. I’m sorry the news is not better. I know things have been hard for a while, but things will get better. We have resources at the top of this page in the find help tab. You can also text VOICE to 741-741 for immediate help. No one should go though what you went though like music2799 said in her comment. Have you thought about getting medical help for your seizures because they can also help you find help for other things too. Congrats on 4 months sober! That is a huge milestone. Continue the great work. If you need anything else yo can always write back. Thank you for updating us. We are always here for you.
    -Alyssa

  5. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am so sorry you been through alot. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering you have experienced throughout your life. Thank you for updating us. Congratulations on being sober for 4 months. I wish you the best of luck.

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Maria,
    I’m extremely sorry about what you’ve been through. I can’t imagine the pain and suffering you’ve had to experience throughout your life. Sometimes it’s easier to focus on the positive aspects so that the trauma won’t overwhelm us. This may be part of the reason why you have an attachment to those people. I understand how confusing that can be. Yet what they did is not right at all, and no one should have to experience that.
    I think getting medical attention for the seizures could help you figure out what is triggering them as well as how to prevent them from occurring in the future. I hope that the court cases turn out the way you want them to turn out. I unfortunately don’t have any resources to provide you with, but I hope you can find some soon.
    Thank you for updating us. Congratulations on being sober for 4 months! I wish you the best of luck. You’re strong, and you can make it through this.

  7. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Maria,
    It is good to hear from you again and congratulations on the 4 months sober. It takes a lot of strength and bravery to pull yourself out of all of the experiences you have been up against and you are doing it!! I honestly don’t know much about the services in Canada, so I don’t have a lot to offer in that area. You are amazing!! Keep going, keep getting better; we are here cheering you on.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  8. Juliana331 Volunteer

    I am so sorry you have experienced all that you have gone through. Seizures can have many causes and should be evaluated by a doctor. There are medications that can help. My son had juvenile seizures. We did find that he had triggers like stress, video games, large crowds… The medical team helped us identify those triggers and combined with medication the seizures were controlled.

  9. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m so sorry for everything you are dealing with and have been through right now. You can text our crisis text line, VOICE to 741 741. There’s also the “Find Resources” tab on our website which I believe does list some resources for Canada. Come back here to share whenever you need.

    Erin

  10. Jay Volunteer

    Hi Maria,
    I’m sorry for all that has happened to you. It sounds like you have had a very rough few years. I can’t even imagine what you have been through. Thank you for sharing your story. I would definitely seek medical attention about the seizures. That sounds very serious! I truly hope that things get better for you, and stay strong!
    Jay