update kind of deep poetic so sorry if its hard to understand we got this

update kind of deep poetic so sorry if its hard to understand we got this

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i wake up but cant get up i sleep without the energy to eat i hurt but i cant find the source i open doors to find why i feel this low only to find no answers where i cant find why i feel this low and emotionally drained all i see is the fourty days ive kept myself self clean and alive but to hear no one say hey atleast your not using and im proud of you for not wanting to go yet and to keep reaching for the light that looks impossible to grab everyones falling because the ones who were left to care and help our growing weak and tired due to not knowing or refusing to educate on how to support your daily needs like for  example that good job you got out of bed today to shower or good job you were able to have that yorgurt im so proud of you but when you dont have people to tell you that and you relize on the fourth day in bed that maybe you just need that small push that small love and encouragement but yes you can only wish and hope but overtime you relize how your always going to have to do it alone because thats the only way to achive being healthy and ending this pain sobrity is worse then any drug ill tell you that but its worth it because the further you run the further youll disapper and trust ill tell you now im very far at to young of a age ive seen and still see plus still have no love and support my mind keeps running despite it not having drugs to fuel it but it gives you more anxity and depression but at the same time you dont wannah hurt you or end you you wannah keep fighting until you get to your happiness sorry but i had to write that its still been very hard i still moving alot figuring out day by day sometimes hour by hour but my body is going from the stress and i just need some help stopping the random panic attacks changing my mind set to get out of bed and relize you have to keep moving even when you phyisically cant because you cant eat or drink to much without getting sick due to anxity and depression id love some nice quotes thatll make me wannah get up in the morning and shower or to have my energy come back and to have my mind calm down a bit and make it a bit quieter even though life is unstable i hope you guys understand and maybe can give some more support also thank you it means so much for all the support i get from this community just know when i can pray again i keep all of you guys in my thoughts and just know if your hurting i pray you will get through no matter how big or small i still see you and it still matters to me thank you guys hope to hear back also i was at the hospital for a bit  on the psyc  ward they made it a bit worse for me but im debating to go to a hospital again but a diffrent one just alot dont take you here in Canada if your not sucidal enough its crazy but i look to the day when  this world becomes a bit of a better place 


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18 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    First of all congratulations on being 40 days clean that is absolutely amazing. I am sorry that you are feeling that you don’t have a support network right now. We are all here for you. We are so proud of the progress that you have made. Every time you get up we are rooting for you. Everytime that you eat something we are so happy for you. You are doing a great job making progress. Things are going to get better. You are so strong. Thank you for updating us. We are all here for you.

    Tyler

  2. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Maria,
    I am so sorry things are hard for you. Things will get better. Try to motivate yourself to just take a walk outside. That can help you want to get out of bed and want to do things. Being sober and clean is great. I am so proud of you. You are doing great. You just have to take everyday one second at a time. You are strong and have overcome a lot. Thank you for updating us. If you need anything else you can always write back.
    -Alyssa

  3. andyspringer Volunteer

    Maria,

    I am proud of you. I am proud of you for staying clean and sober. I am proud of you for getting out of bed. I am proud of you for every small accomplishment you make every single day.

    Joe Rogan has a podcast, and one time he talked about willpower. When someone is going through anxiety or depression they have a limited amount of willpower- so what is easy for some people like getting out of bed, showering, going outside, etc. is incredibly difficult for someone with anxiety or depression because it “costs” almost all of the willpower they have. I understand that, I’ve been there, and I am behind you 100 percent.

    Stay strong. You can do this. We are all on your side.

    Warmest regards,
    Andy

  4. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Thank you for updating us and I know how hard it is to stay sober , each and every single day is worth it and I know you can do it. Every little milestone is worth it. Stay strong and keep on fighting. We will be here for you , we believe in you.

    Brianna

  5. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    You should be so proud that you are staying sober. I know some days are hard, but it sound like you are pushing through. Some days will be hard, but you are so incredibly strong. You are going to get through this. The hospital may be able to really helpful for you. Stay strong, and remember that we are here for you. Thank you for updating us.

    Carmen

  6. Amysue43 Volunteer

    It’s so great to hear that you have confided in us and feel so confident in sharing your thoughts and feelings here. We are happy to be here for you and support you through this. You’re right to say sobriety is hard as it is constant thought in order to keep fighting. You have obviously made it so far in your strive for sobriety and we couldn’t be happier for you. You mentioned that you pursue prayer and I’d like to encourage you to read and reflect on the Serenity Prayer. You may already be aware of this prayer and I’d like to highlight it’s power in keeping your thoughts clear and concise. As you have mentioned, the strive towards sobriety can be frustrating and exhausting. However, it is obvious that you have the strength and willingness to push through this. Despite your feelings every morning, you get up. You get up and put on your armor. You are amazing and I can’t explain how impressive you are. If you feel comfortable doing so, you are free to keep us updated on your thoughts and feelings that you experience. We are here for you and are so proud of you!

    Stay strong!
    Amy

  7. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Maria,
    I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling and aren’t getting the support you need. I’m proud of you for getting out of bed and showering and eating yogurt and everything you’re managing to do despite how hard it is. I’m proud of you for 40 days clean and alive. That is amazing! Sometimes we don’t have people there to tell us those things and we have to be proud of ourselves, even for the small things. Be proud that you got out of bed. Be proud that you didn’t use today. Be proud that you took a shower, ate, didn’t give up, literally every little thing you do be proud of yourself. It may sound silly but it can help you build pride in yourself, which ultimately is more powerful than other people telling you how proud they are of you (even though it does feel nice to hear it). We are all proud of you here and hope that things start to get better for you soon.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  8. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    Thanks for sharing with us. Please know that we know you’re trying your best, and that we are here to support you. You deserve to get the help that you need, and it’s awful that it sounds like you are not being given that. Please let us know if there’s anything else that you might need. We’re here for you.

  9. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    Thanks for the update. I’m sorry that you’re in a tough spot right now. Sobriety can be hard. I’m so proud of you for maintaining 40 days. That’s incredible. Keep up the good work, you can do it! We’re here for you anytime. You never have to apologize for posting. Best of luck.

  10. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    Thank you for the update. I think it is an absolutely incredible accomplishment that you have stayed clean. That is no easy task and you should be proud of yourself for it. With that said, I can only imagine not having that positive reinforcement and support that you deserve. I think trying a different hospital is a good idea, as well. Those rules around “not being suicidal enough” are ridiculous. You deserve to get the help you need. Just remember, you are not alone. We are here for you! Feel free to continue updating us. And please let us know what else we can do to help. Stay strong, Maria. You are doing such a great job. You can do this!

    Thomas

  11. rkr18 Volunteer

    Dear Maria,

    Thank you for continuing to share your story. I pray that you overcome the anxiety and start feeling more peace and calm. You are a special person and god has amazing plans for you.

    “If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.” — Fred Rogers
    We are here for you!
    -Marie

  12. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Maria,
    I’m truly sorry about what you’re going through. It can be so difficult when you’re not receiving support from people around you. You’re doing incredible – 40 days of keeping yourself clean is an amazing accomplishment. Those “small” tasks, such as getting out of bed, lead you toward progress. You’re still here, and you’re still fighting. Keep taking everything one step at a time because those smaller steps lead to longer journeys. I agree with Solongago’s suggestion about finding something good in each day. Having that list can help you, especially during the difficult days.
    I definitely agree with you when you say that the further you run, the further you disappear. I also know that if you run from how you’re feeling, those feelings can be stronger in the long run. These feelings can be so difficult to face, and you’re so brave for facing them.
    Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling. You’re incredibly strong, and you can get through this. You’re not alone – we’ll always be here to help and support you.

  13. Jess Volunteer

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling right now. It also made me really sad to see your statement of not being “suicidal enough” for admission to a psychiatric unit. That hurts my soul as someone who works in that field. I hope you’re able to get the help you need. In the meantime, we are always here for you. If you need a push or a helping hand or someone to simply encourage you, we are here and we believe in you. Feel free to post whenever you need/want to. That is exactly what we are here for – to help you through this hard time and finding your new normal.

    It’s absolutely amazing that you are staying clean and fighting those urges! Keep it up! Stay strong and keep fighting. Like I said, if you need anything, please let us know. If those suicidal thoughts or urges to use get overwhelming, you can also text VOICE to 741-741. This will get you in touch with a crisis counselor. You are not in this alone. We will help you in whatever way we can. Keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

    1. Edjay Volunteer

      Crisis Text Line is an amazing resource. From Maria’s story, it sounds like they’re in Canada. Crisis Text Line has a different number in Canada (686868), but texting in with the same keyword (VOICE) will still connect them to a Crisis Counselor.

  14. mkyuellig Volunteer

    hey Maria,

    thank you for sharing your words with us.

    I’m so sorry that you’re struggling and going through this right now. But I want you to just take a moment and recognize how incredibly strong you are and how far you have come. It is so easy to look at our lives and only see our short comings and the things that we need to work on and that are difficult. But the truth is the things that you have overcome far outweigh the things you are battling now. Each time you make a post here, each time you share your experience with someone, each day you are clean, that is a revolutionary act of love. Every time you get out of bed and get through each day you are succeeding. I believe you will get through this.

    Stay strong and be kind to yourself,
    Keight

  15. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    We are proud of you. It takes a fuck load of courage to get up, to continue fighting, to stay clean. You should be so proud of yourself. I think if going to a hospital would help you, you should do it. We support you.

    Erin

  16. Solongago

    Hey, you have my problem: I am not suicidal enough! Thank God for that, for both of us. So we have to struggle. Life is a struggle. And, no, it isn’t fair. It seems like some of us are constantly being trodden upon. Like, with a low self-esteem, we take a job that pays lower than we should be making, and is farther than we want to be driving. And driving nearly an hour each way to work and back makes every day a ten-hour-work day, and now they are going to jack up the gas tax, so those of us who are already driving our lives away, can pay even more for the privilege. Not fair. But it is what it is. And, it doesn’t mean that this world isn’t a good place. It is just the human condition to see the bad in things and overlook the good. And survivors are particularly adept at this. We tend to take some things to extremes, and this is one of them.

    What you have to do is train yourself to see the good. It’s there. It is. If you get yourself a little blank book, and you find one thing, that is good per day. One thing. Anything. It can be a beautiful sunset, or an egg fried to perfection, or the wag of a dog’s tail or a cold crunchy stick of celery, or a joke that made you laugh. We have to look for the good. We have to write it down, so we can remember the good. We can then look at what was good yesterday. We can thank God for that good thing. God, my life is really hard right now, but the neighbor’s little girl smiled at me today. Thank you for that little girl. Thank you for that smile.

    Find a time every day, maybe just before bed, or just before dinner, or when you first wake up. And say that little prayer. A prayer of gratefulness. A prayer about one thing that you are grateful for today. Do it for a month. The rest of lent. Try to find something new every day. And at that time you set aside for this, only give thanks for that thing.

    The bad stuff, we remember, we notice, we focus on. We have to deliberately train ourselves to remember, to notice, to focus on good stuff.

    Don’t wait for this world to become a bit of a better place. Make it so.

    There is a next-step to this of course. The next step is to look for one good thing in every person that you come in contact with, or maybe just the ones you have the most trouble with. Then pray for them, and thank God for that person, Thank God for the good thing the person has. They say if you pray for someone for a month, it will change how you feel about them. And that improves your world.

    I am glad that you are clean and sober. I don’t know how hard that is, because that is not something I struggle with. But I know that the world can be a better place because you are in it. And without you in it, it will have lost the opportunity to have what you can offer. And just because you may not be able to see what that might be right now, doesn’t make it any less true.

  17. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Maria,

    Thanks for updating us. No need to apologize for posting – that’s what we are here for. We are here to help you no matter what the issue. I’m so proud of you for being clean. With everything else going on, that must be so difficult for you. You’re so strong; please know that we are standing with you, ready to give you a hand up if you’re ever feeling down.

    I know these sites are kind of cheesy, but I figured they’re better than nothing. I hope they can help you:
    https://www.developgoodhabits.com/uplifting-quotes/
    https://www.lifehack.org/376369/100-inspirational-quotes-that-will-give-you-strength-during-hard-times
    https://www.addiction.com/7215/70-best-quotes-for-addiction-recovery/ this site also has a free and confidential phone line (number listed at the bottom of the site)

    I’m sorry you’re having trouble, in general and with the psych ward. That’s not fair to you, but please don’t hesitate to come back if you need anything. We are here to help you no matter what. Stay strong!

    ❤️Marissa