Update I don’t know what to do and my mind has gone hopefully one day it’ll get better for us all

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I am a trafficking survivor and I tell you being out of the game since my guys been arrested I was 17 I started at 16 independent when. I was left homeless I worked for two years I guess from 16-18 but i have a baby girl now and I love her alot she helps me but I’m still in a home trying to better myself I’m 19 now been out of the game for a year and it’s fucked my brain up caused complex ptsd did severe social anxiety and serious depression and addiction I’m trying to quit for my daughter I saw a good over 500 people in the span of 4 months with my ex well my pimp and I loved him I grew up in an abusive home and in the system were I ended up in the game I wannah help girls now but we have to help ourselfs first we can do it it’s a journey everyday for all of us stay strong sorry this triggered me and reminded me of when I was 16 and made the stupid choice to leave a group home because I wanted freedom to fall into addiction and for being I guess raped over and over our minds might be fucked now if you have a kid or not fight for yourself and anyone who cares I am doing it alone no family but I know there our girls who went through the same  I’ll tell you everyday is a struggle after you leave but I don’t wannah be a victim anymore I wannah be a survivor we got this there was alot more that happend as per new evident stuff so I’m trying but it’s ok we gotta take it day by day I have no family but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn to love me yeah I had a relapse recently when I went to my new trafficking home for surviors and I was there for I think 4 months and the first month I did work off and on at a message parlor but I quit after I realized what I was doing but got into meth and crack because I had to stay up for the prep triel that took a week still we were not done all the evidence because they found more and the ones they found were some stuff I didn’t know he took some with other girls some at like party’s I never knew I attended nor remember when people keep on saying and have evidence I did but I can’t face that fact because he loved me there is a high chance of retaliation due to his friend whose also a pimp I slept with when I was 17 to he’s saying there is a possibility if I show up to court shit can happend so to just not show up I have to orelse I go to jail but I’m anxious what should I do?? Also I’m basically homeless I got kicked out of my humen trafficking home due to false allagtions my girl also got kicked out because of false stuff but my Laywer is mad at them trying to get to the board because there not following the laws and I will not let other girls fall through the system like I did and like I am now I’m with my husbend right now only until Thursday due to cas needing me to leave because of my baby so I got a bed for a 3 day program so your safe and don’t use when going back to that area but I have to find a treatment center/addiction inpatient  in Ontario  before I go I have 1500 from victim services to find a place just I have medical cannabis and alot of places in Canada won’t allow it only the to expensive ones and even the paid ones our a wait list for 4 months I can’t do that because even the emergency beds our atleast a 4 week wait so I need help please with resources also I found out we in reality that girl recruited me to the bloods the one shot by him he has attempted murder when I was 16 at the shelter and we worked together off and on and I’d work alone then I got into a relationship and I was dealing coke with him with the crips but he didn’t want me in that shit when I left him saying I cheated but I went back just like it always does but this time I just got fucked over kind of because I still love him and hope he can get better but apparently and I do kinda remeber this but I think 3 other girls were living with us as police found photos of the other girls with me to at times I was the youngest so he took alot of photos of me the new evidence they found on his phone they finally cracked it they got the messages I deleted off the phone when I was 17 to make sure police don’t get him because I found out he shot her and he owned guns and that he was carrying the coke I dealt with him when he was on his way to pick me up then I found some hospital records when I was with him I got them and it says stab Wound like cuts bruising all over the body BB gun looking scars on head welts on her back and this was all in different timelines I can’t remember alot but I remember a hard one that won’t stop playing after two of the girls I was with working they told me and I’d remember bits sometimes in a movie like style I’m not gonna go into detail but my girl he hurt her bad one of my girls and let’s just say I had to help clean up the mess because I was the only one for trying to help her she was a good person may she rest well inshallah Ameen they shut the case and looked into my guy but she had no family and she was native so they had other cases but I don’t wannah get into that much I’ll just say why did I feel numb though and I. Couldn’t cry but the two others did but I haven’t slept in 6 days I’ve been on the bright side 20 days clean 🙂  I got this but I also haven’t been able to sleep due to the withdrawal and I guess stress and all that alot of dissoation I started to become super focused on finding all the John’s we contacted on my phone like became obsessed  a couple people said they knew me from partys like prostitute parties motel stuff don’t wannah get into it but I got into meth and crack plus alcohol again that was my good 40th binger since 16 I’m trying but that ones fucking me up alot I was doing to meth to help stay up for the court prep which then we still didn’t go through all the evidence just for it to be rebooked cause he got a new Laywer I just want my girl to be clean and she has been but will be homeless to after the program and I’m scared for her to and I feel for her so I want to help her while I help me but can anyone also give me advice on how to be able to eat again btw it’s due to anxiety it causes me to get sick eaither puke or shit but I’m trying to drink more protein drinks but please any advice also helps also please some techniques to sleep it’ll mean alot also I can’t go back to shelters as they tried to do that and I went cause it was cold and I knew pimps who worked for my man there and they were trying to get me to go with them I went back to the shelter fast and packed my stuff and went to my husbands house and now I have to be out by Thursday Friday due to cas saying I can’t be here around my kid until I finish the treatment in staying clean and doing parenting classes and school again which I all achieved when I lived at the humen trafficking surviors home and they claim I didn’t which is false I was starting the day they told me and my girl were being kicked out and I just got the transcript that day it’s been hard plus my adoptive mom says I’m not her daughter and to not say I am so that’s also why I was using meth well binged for a couple weeks and it really messed me up I’ll tell you it was worse then heroin and fentanyl the withdrawal I tried to apperntly get high and Kill myself but I was just so messed up from the come down that I took a bunch of pills thinking my ex well pimp was going to take them out of my mouth like he used to whenever hed try and leave me and I actually thought he did and I ended up actually overdosing to the point were they had to shock me and give me neltroxine because I took 70 pills apperntly of my prescription but the meth was still in my system because I smoked alot I guess plus they found the MDMA in my system to so they thought the reason I was passed out I guess can’t remember was because of overdose on fentanyl laced stuff when I didn’t but I know it’s alot but I just need some help thank you Maria stay strong I hope your all well 


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14 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    Thank you for sharing this update with us, you are so brave to share your story. We believe you and we are all here for you. I am so sorry that this happened to you when you were younger. I am glad that you have your daughter to help give you a reason to quit and be strong. She has a very strong mother. To have been through so much at a young age must be so so hard. I am so happy to hear that you are 20 days clean! That is so amazing. You are so strong. Please continue to post updates here and let us know if there is anything we can do to help you.

    Tyler

  2. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Thank you for the update. I’m sorry that things aren’t going well but know that with it will get better. You are very brave and strong for continuing your fight. Stay strong for yourself , your daughter and everything else in your world that’s worth fighting for. Please come and share with us we look forward to hearing from you. We believe In you.

    -Brianna

  3. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey Maria

    It is so good to hear you again and thank you for updating us on your life. You are strong for going through and your fight and passion to not let this determine who you are is amazing, can’t wait to hear from you again. Stay strong , we believe in you

    -Brianna

  4. Lizzi G

    Hi Maria,
    I’m sorry that things have been so difficult for you. You’ve been through so much but you’re still here and fighting for a better life. Addiction is so difficult to overcome and relapses are normal but I believe you’re going to make it. I don’t know what resources there are in Canada but like others have said, check our Find Resources tab and hopefully you can find what you need. Keep fighting and keep us updated!

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  5. bjames1121 Volunteer

    Hello Maria –

    Thank you for the update. I’m truly sorry that things aren’t going well but know that with it will get better. You are very brave and I commend you for your strength to continuing the fight for you and your daughter. We are here for support if you need us.

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Maria,
    Thank you for updating us. I’m so sorry you’re going through so much, and I hope you’ll be able to be around your daughter again. I hope that they’ll be able to prove that you finished the treatment. I’m really sorry about what your adoptive mom said – I can’t imagine how hurtful that must have been.
    As I was reading this, I noticed a lot of positive statements, such as “I got this,” “I want to be a survivor,” and “on the bright side,” and I’m glad that you’re keeping these things in mind. You are strong, and I believe you can make it through this. I like Alyssa’s suggestion of taking things one at a time. It can help a lot when we feel overwhelmed about what’s going on in our lives.
    I don’t know of any resources in Canada, but I encourage you to keep looking. You deserve to get help and feel better. I’m proud of you for the steps you have taken so far. We’re here to support you if you need anything from us, and please continue to stay strong.

  7. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Maria

    It is good to hear you again and thank you for updating us on your life. You are so strong for going through all you have and you are brave and couragous. The ability to keep on fighting is amazing. Keep on pushing and you are doing great so far. They are resources you can use for international. Keep your head up and know we are here for you and we support you!

  8. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Hi Maria,
    It is good to hear from you again, thank you for coming back to update us. You are incredibly strong and brave and I am amazed at your ability to keep fighting for yourself and your daughter. I know that most of our resources are focused on the US right now because that is where our main office it located. I do not have a lot of knowledge about resources or healthcare in Canada, but RAINN is an international group and may be able to help you find resources in your area. You can call them at 1-800-656-4673 or they have a free web-chat at http://www.rainn.org. Keep going, you can do this and you aren’t alone.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  9. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Maria,
    It is good to hear back from you. I am sorry somethings haven’t been good, but things will get better overtime. Remember to stay positive and take everything just one day at a time. If one day is too hard, take it one hour or min or even second at a time if things are hard for you. Remember you are strong and can make it though this. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  10. MH Volunteer

    Hello Maria,

    Thank you for sharing with us. Let me start off by saying how courageous you are. You have been through a lot, but trust me, things will get better! You’ve got this! Keep your head up high, continue to move forward and feel free to come back at anytime to connect with us. Also check out our “Find Help” section- there may be some great resources in your area.

    MH

  11. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    Thank you for coming back to share more with us. Although you may be having a hard time right now, I think you are incredibly strong. You have survived so much, and please know that we are here to support you through this. You don’t have to face this alone. Please continue to update us in the future, and let us know if there is anything more we can do for you. Stay strong Maria! We are here for you.

    Carmen

  12. Juliana331 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing. You are taking good steps to heal. It is also awesome that you want to help other women who have been through similar experiences. I’ve found that when I reach out to help others it helps me see that I’m not alone and gives me strength to keep working to heal. It must be hard to not have the support of your family. Keep reaching out for resources. It can be a daunting process to find the help but it is out there. And always know we are here to listen whenever you need us.

  13. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Hi Maria,

    Thank you for coming back to share more, and I’m so sorry you’re still struggling, but proud that you are trying so hard and you are still fighting. Please text VOICE to 741 741 whenever you need, and our “Find Help” tab may help you with finding some more resources in your area-is your lawyer still being supportive? Let us know how else we can help-we are here for you.

    Erin

  14. mkyuellig

    Wow Maria, it sounds like you are going through a lot right now, but I’m very impressed with the steps you are taking and how well you are handling everything given the circumstances. I’m so sorry that you were put in those dangerous situations at such a young age, and that you are still struggling with the aftermath of those events. It sounds like you have the right idea of how to move forward. I’m impressed with your progress towards sobriety, and you are doing a great job at identify the steps you need to take to begin healing. I think it is very admirable that you want to help girls who have gone through situations similar to yours. Keep thinking positive, and taking small steps. I encourage you to continue sharing your story with us, we will always be here to support you.