Hi all. It’s me again. I’m sorry for posting again today. I don’t have my therapy appointment until Friday and I’ve got no one else to tell this to.
Today I went with my partner to an 85th birthday party for his great uncle at a beautiful park outside the city. All his side of the family. There were a lot of people there. I’d say more than fifty. Including a cousin of some sort that I didn’t think I knew, but his wife looked eerily familiar.
I guess I should back track. When I was a child my biological parental figure (I don’t call him Dad, I will call him Ben for this entry) was a raging alcoholic. My mother worked shift work and when she wasn’t home he was the one who watched the kids. He would have his friends over and they would party. Ben and my uncle (Ben’s sisters husband), had already been using me in their sexual games for sometime. I know this because we moved before I started kindergarten at age 5 and I remember the house we lived in before. My uncle would do things with me in the bathroom. I remember the basement and the single lightbulb that hung in the bathroom. I would stare at it and eventually I could float up there and not have to feel him on top of me. There were many more instances. So many. Too many.
Back to him drinking with his friends when my mom was at work. I would have to do things in front of them. With little or no clothes on. Eventually he gave me to his friends. I’d have to be alone with them. Some were nicer than others. Some were not nice at all. I always had the light to go into though. I don’t know what Ben got out of it. I don’t want to know.
So today at the BBQ bday party. There was a lady who looked so familiar but I had no idea who she was. At some point someone said her name and it sort of *pinged* in my head. So I asked my partner who she was. My partner said it was the cousins wife and said his name. I hadn’t seen him. His back was to me.
Boom! Instant panic inside me. It was one of Ben’s friends from when I was a kid. All I could think was “is he one of the ones who fucked me”. I pretty much shut off my body and mind and took the kids for a walk by the river. Then left. Always have to wear the mask and play the part… I know the memory is there but I’m afraid to let it out. I stuff my feelings and I don’t know how to feel them. Literally. My body is rebelling though. So I guess I feel them physically? I’m not sure. I know my heart continues to race. My stomach hurts. I want to vomit. My head aches.
So what do I do? I’m terrified of the feelings. I don’t even know what they are. Just that they’re not safe to feel. Or maybe that’s old thinking. I’m in a relatively good place in my life. I think that’s why things are coming back to me again.
So I’m done rambling now
thanks for listening
I’ve always known about it, but am remembering things I’d forgotten.