I don’t know how I feel about today.
I saw my assailant after a few weeks. At first it was painful, but I felt it less than I have in the past few months. Then I had to take communion, and he was standing right next to the priest – less than a foot away from me. After that, I couldn’t stop shaking for the rest of the service. I couldn’t breathe for a while. I was badly affected by that. What made it worse was that I could almost feel him looking at me throughout the service.
Then I reached out to my guy friend, and I told him today was rough. He told me that I might have to tell him what happened because he didn’t understand. It’s fair. I knew this was coming and that I would have to tell him more about the incident. I’ve talked about it in abstract terms for a while.
Yet I was scared because I didn’t want him to think I was blowing it out of proportion. I know that it affected me and that’s what matters, and I know that he’s been supportive so far. However, it’s still a fear I have when I tell people the whole story.
I told him and he was understanding. That’s not what’s bothering me. I’m just wondering if I told him before I was ready. I know it was my decision to tell him in that moment, but I still feel this frustration. I’m not sure who it’s directed at.
I think I would have been more open to telling him if it was in the middle of the week. That’s when I have some distance from Sundays and the feelings associated with church. Yet the wounds were opened today, and I didn’t really get a chance to heal. I guess that’s why it hurt more.
One part of me really wants to talk about it. The other part of me wants to pretend I didn’t tell him anything. I don’t know what to say or do at this point, and I’m ready to break. I don’t know who to talk to about this. I almost don’t want to bring it up to anyone because it feels so heavy. It’s exhausting, and I don’t want to talk about it too much and drive people away. Yet at the same time, it’s so hard to cope with the pain.
I don’t want to handle it on my own, but I think I’m falling back into that fear of trusting people. I’m scared and tired, and I want a hug.