Today sucked

Today was rough. A little bit of backstory, I was sexually abused from the age of 11 to 14 by a close family member, finally got the courage to tell my parents, and then court proceedings took 2 years only to have the guy get off scott free. There was DNA evidence and everything but a jury still found him innocent because he was a “respected member of the community”. Its been almost 10 years since the abuse stopped but he still comes in and out of my life because he’s involved in my sisters life. I’ve worked through a lot of the trauma with a counselor and am stronger than I’ve ever been but I got thrown back into it today.

I started my morning really excited to interview for an internship but as I got close I realized the office was in the same building the sergeant took me to get my sexual assault exam done back when I was 14. I got the worst feeling in my stomach and it seemed like my whole body went numb, but I didn’t want to cancel the interview so I sucked it up and went in anyways. The person I was interviewing with was running late so I sat for 20 minutes as my anxiety got worse and when she finally showed up I was so focused on not breaking down that I could barely answer her questions. I felt really bad but my brain wouldn’t work and I could tell she was a little annoyed.

After I left I got home, threw up, and broke down crying. My husband came and just held me for a while until I could calm down and tell him what happened, he’s always really understanding with me and I’m so grateful to have him in my life. Even though I felt like I bombed the interview the girl running the internship did end up emailing me and said they wanted me to work with them, but there’s no way I can go there every day it’ll give me too much anxiety.

I’ve been in such a funk since I got home and nothing has been able to change it. I keep getting flashbacks and breaking down crying more. I’m just hoping I feel better in the morning.


Join the Conversation

23 comments

  1. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello musicislove,

    Congratulations on getting an interview for an internship 🙂

    The fact that you were able to push through the anxiety is admirable. It sounds like you were on edge. Taking that into consideration, it’s understandable that it was difficult to form answers to the interview questions. After getting home, I’m sorry that you had to endure flashbacks. I hope that you’re doing okay and hearing that you have the support of your husband is wonderful.

    We’re here for you.

    Ashley

  2. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi musicislove,
    I’m so sorry about what you’ve been through and that he got off scot free. It’s not fair to you at all. I’m really sorry he’s in and out of your life and that the interview brought everything back. Going to a place that is associated with trauma can be so difficult, and it can bring back so much. Your reaction is valid and completely understandable. I think taking time to relax and care for yourself may help you process these emotions.
    That being said, I’m so proud of you for having the courage to tell your parents and going through with the court proceedings. I’m glad that your husband could support you and that he’s been so understanding. That support can make such a difference, especially when we’re going through rough situations. I think you made a good decision regarding the internship because you kept your emotional and mental health in mind. I think you’ll have more opportunities in the future, and I’m excited for what those opportunities will be.
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. We’re in your corner, so please write back if you need anything from us. You are strong, and you can get through this!

  3. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi musicislove,

    I’m sorry to hear that today was rough. We are all here for you and we want to help in any way that we can. It’s really frustrating that your abuser got off scot-free. It’s hard to go through all of those legal proceedings and not see anything come of it. It sounds like you did really well in the interview since they offered you the position! Would it be possible to work from home and still work with them? That way you wouldn’t have to be in the building and risk triggering your anxiety. Things will definitely feel better in the morning. Everything seems worse when we are tired after a long emotional day.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  4. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi musicislove,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that going to the interview brought on so many emotions. But you are so strong to go into the building for the interview despite how it made you feel. Im sorry your experiencing flashbacks, but its good to hear your husband is there for you and we are too. I hope you feel better soon, be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  5. Jordan Volunteer

    Hello musicislove,

    I just want to start by saying thank you for coming on here to share your story with us <3 I am so sorry that you had to experience this trauma when you were younger, that the man that did this to you got away with it completely, and that you still have to see him from time to time due to the relationship that he has with your sister. But, I am happy to hear how well you seem do be doing despite that and it sounds like you have a great support system surrounding you, such as your husband.
    I can't even begin to imagine how it must have felt for you to find out that your interview was in the same building where you had to get your forensic exam done. I like to think that things happen for a reason, so the fact that you decided to not go through with the internship I do not think is a negative thing. You have to think about what is best for you and that includes your mental, and emotional well-being <3 I am more than positive that another opportunity will come along your way soon. Keep your head up, you got this. Feel free to always come on here and vent to us if you find that, that helps. Sending hugs your way <3

    – Jordan

  6. Harton.13 Volunteer

    Hi musicislove,
    It can be so hard to move on from trauma when you don’t get the closure and justice that you deserve, and running into triggers that make you face that pain can make us feel so helpless. That day must have been so terrible for you, and I’m so sorry you had to go through it. It sounds like you have a really good support system in your husband and we are always here for you, too. You are not alone and can always continue to share with us on those particularly tough days.

  7. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend I am so sorry what happened to you. Triggers are such a terrible feeling and suck. I know it has been a long road but you are strong. Having to face memories is really difficult and I validate how you feel. validate what you are going through. I hope your days are filled with love and support. I am sorry friend you are going through this. We are here for you.

  8. tinayoung Volunteer

    Some days do suck. Triggers suck. What happened to you sucked.
    You, my friend, do not suck! You are strong and will get through this. Enjoy the sunshine and beautiful things in life.
    Sorry about the internship. You are right in not taking it. Having to deal with that memory in your face every day would be too much.
    May your days be filled with Daisies and Rainbows…

  9. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey there musicislove,

    I’m so sorry to hear about this super triggering event. It sounds like you were really excited for the interview only for it to not go your way. I’m impressed that you powered through it, and I think that you should take as much time as you need to decompress and find level ground again. Flashbacks really are some of the scariest things that our brains can do, in my opinion. We support you, and we’re here if you need to talk or find some resources to help!

  10. Kayla Volunteer

    musicislove,

    Thank you for sharing with us. I hope now that it’s been a few days you are feeling better. If you want to share further, we are here to listen as well. I would congratulate yourself for making the internship, but also congratulate yourself for recognizing and prioritizing your own mental and emotional needs. It sounds like it would be too difficult to go there everyday. However, I would see this as a good sign that you could get a similar internship somewhere else. There is no need to put yourself in a place that triggers you, and I’m sorry that this is the case. I’m also very sorry to hear the court proceedings went nowhere, despite your bravery in coming forward. We believe you.

    Sending you love,
    Kayla

  11. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi musicislove,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story here. I’m sorry that you had to go through this. You didn’t deserve any of this. I’m glad that you have such a supportive partner. It’s honestly impressive that you were able to get the internship despite how much you were struggling. It seems like you have come a long way. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  12. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey musicislove,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us, I am sorry to hear what happened to you. What happened to you was not your fault. I am so happy to hear that your husband is so loving and supportive. Stay strong and we are always here to listen. I admire your strength.
    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

  13. Jordan L

    Hey there,
    I am sorry that this happened to you. I can imagine how you felt when you went through that triggering event. I used to get bad anxiety every time I would go to my hometown due to my assault.
    It hurts to know that someone we trust and someone that should support us would do such as awful thing. We have similar stories. I was assaulted by a family member and after 2 years my legal case still isn’t over.
    I am glad to hear you have such a great support system within your husband. Have you thought about seeing a professional to talk about coping mechanisms? Have you tried journaling?

    You are so strong and courageous. This does not define you.

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. We are here for you. Feel free to keep us updated!
    -Jordan

    1. musicislove

      Hi Jordan,

      Thank you for the kind words. I’m so sorry that your legal case is being dragged out, I hated feeling retraumatized every time I had to deal with my case so I know it’s tough. I’ve had a counselor for the past 9 years but stopped seeing her because I was doing well, I did end up making an appointment to work through what happened though, I see her next week. And yes, journaling is one of my favorite stress relievers. I’m sending so many good thoughts and hope your way towards your situation!

  14. zoeyb

    Hi musicislove,

    I am so sorry you had to go through that and re-experience so many emotions at your interview. It’s great to know that you have such a strong support system with your husband and that you were able to find this outlet too. How are you now that there’s been a bit of time since your interview experience?

    We are all here for you and will always listen whenever you need support <3

    1. musicislove

      Hi Zoey, thank you for the kind words, I’m definitely really grateful to have my husband to turn to, he’s my rock. I’m doing a little bit better now that some time has passed, and I made an appointment with my therapist so that should be helpful too. Thank you again!

  15. Megan Volunteer

    Hey musicislove,

    I’m sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine how hard it must be to re-live that trauma by going to that building. I do want to say that I’m incredibly proud of you for how far you have come in these last ten years and also how you managed to get that internship even when you were struggling through the interview. That’s honestly so awesome. It’s also great that you have your husband as a support system. If you are still seeing your counselor, I would suggest talking through what’s going on with them. If you stopped seeing your counselor, maybe think about going back in to see them, even if it is just for a few emergency sessions to help you get out of the funk.

    I’m wishing you all the best. You are strong and you will get through this,
    Megan

  16. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story with us. I am so sorry that this happened to you and after all of the struggles of going through a trial he was not held accountable for his actions. What he did was not okay, but it was not your fault. I am sorry that you still have to see him because he is involved in your sister’s life. That must be very hard for you and it is very understandable if it is. How you are feeling is completely valid! The way it made you feel to go back to the building where you had your exam done is completely valid. It is okay to not feel okay sometimes. It sounds like you have made all of the right moves to bettering and healing yourself. But, it is a journey with lots of ups and downs! Please remember to put yourself first and know we are here for you if you need it! You are so strong! You can get through this! Check out our FIND RESOURCES tab at the top of our page if you are interested in any resources for help. Come back and share as often as your would like. We believe you and we are on your side.

    Sending hope,
    -Natalie

  17. Lizzi

    Hey musicislove,
    I’m so sorry for what happened to you by that family member, and I hate that he didn’t suffer consequences. Obviously he wasn’t as good of a person as they thought if he could do something like that to you. I can imagine that was a really hard 2 years of having to keep talking about what happened, and I’m sorry that it ended the way it did. That job interview had to be so difficult… I can’t even imagine. I’m proud of you for going through with it anyway, although it would’ve been more than reasonable to cancel. I’m thankful that you have someone in your life that is understanding and supportive and can be there for you during these challenges. I hope that you are feeling better now. We’re here for you if you need to talk or share more.

  18. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi musicislove,
    I’m so sorry that this happened. I’m happy that you got the email to work there, but your mental health comes first. If you think that you are going to have this much anxiety working there, you shouldn’t work there. I’m sorry that all of this happened today. Sometimes it is just the small things that bring back flashbacks. I hope that in the morning you feel better. If you don’t you can always write back. We are here for you. I’m happy that you talked to your husband about this. It is good to have him on your team and support you. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. If there is anything you need help with please let us know. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  19. zelda Volunteer

    I’m sorry that you’re going through all of this. Have you ever tried therapy? A therapist could help you with certain things like triggers and coping mechanisms. I haven’t been to my therapy appointment in awhile and I can tell it’s made a difference (in a negative way). If you decide not to go to therapy just know that we are all here for you. And if there’s anything we can do please let us know.

    1. musicislove

      Hi Zelda, yes I’ve been in therapy on and off for the last 8 years. I haven’t seen my therapist in a couple months because I was doing so well but I made an appointment after my meltdown, I’m seeing her again next week. Thank you for your comment

  20. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry today was so rough and that you were triggered. I’ve been there, and it really sucks. I’m glad your husband was really supportive and able to help. Thank you for coming back to share and let us know how else we can help you.

    Erin