Today was rough. A little bit of backstory, I was sexually abused from the age of 11 to 14 by a close family member, finally got the courage to tell my parents, and then court proceedings took 2 years only to have the guy get off scott free. There was DNA evidence and everything but a jury still found him innocent because he was a “respected member of the community”. Its been almost 10 years since the abuse stopped but he still comes in and out of my life because he’s involved in my sisters life. I’ve worked through a lot of the trauma with a counselor and am stronger than I’ve ever been but I got thrown back into it today.
I started my morning really excited to interview for an internship but as I got close I realized the office was in the same building the sergeant took me to get my sexual assault exam done back when I was 14. I got the worst feeling in my stomach and it seemed like my whole body went numb, but I didn’t want to cancel the interview so I sucked it up and went in anyways. The person I was interviewing with was running late so I sat for 20 minutes as my anxiety got worse and when she finally showed up I was so focused on not breaking down that I could barely answer her questions. I felt really bad but my brain wouldn’t work and I could tell she was a little annoyed.
After I left I got home, threw up, and broke down crying. My husband came and just held me for a while until I could calm down and tell him what happened, he’s always really understanding with me and I’m so grateful to have him in my life. Even though I felt like I bombed the interview the girl running the internship did end up emailing me and said they wanted me to work with them, but there’s no way I can go there every day it’ll give me too much anxiety.
I’ve been in such a funk since I got home and nothing has been able to change it. I keep getting flashbacks and breaking down crying more. I’m just hoping I feel better in the morning.