Hi all. Yesterday I saw Angela, today I put Joy down. Perhaps I should just stop there.
I am struggling. Angela met me at the receptionist’s window and saw the new Covid-questions that ask if you’ve been in certain states. Well, I mentioned that NY wasn’t in there, and she said NY was doing really good. She said they started out bad, and I said that was because Cuomo had them put Covid patients in nursing homes. She said he didn’t and I countered with, “yes he did” — from MSN news site:
- New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s controversial March 25 order that required nursing homes to admit COVID-19 patients was deleted from the state of New York’s website, Fox News reported.
- On May 10, Cuomo released new guidance that prohibited hospitals from sending people who tested positive for COVID-19 back to nursing homes, though his administration said the new guidance added to — but did not replace — the original order.
- At least 5,800 people have died in New York nursing homes and adult care facilities.
And I was a little heated, not at her, I didn’t think, but she immediately said that she had NEVER seen me so angry with her, and it is not ok. She had already, months ago said we can’t talk about politics because then she gets no say. But then last week she was wearing a BLM button, so I asked her if white lives matter and she said, “yes, but don’t get distracted.” So after saying that I was tripping over my white privilege, (she laughed) and I let that drop. I was going to wear my God, Guns, Trump 2020 T-shirt yesterday, but with Joy dying, I just didn’t have the heart. And I really don’t want any of this to be about politics.
But the mask-thing is so political. And Ohio, where I live has a RINO (republican in name only) governor. And I am pretty passionate about politics.
But, when she said, “that is NOT ok — so nothing about going to wear my Trump shirt, nothing about what everyone knows that Cuomo did mandate nursing homes to accept Covid patients, which has me so fired up. When she said that, I had a major melt down. It is so frustrating and embarrasing, looking back I think I crashed back into Babsy dying and Karen chucking me. I immediately thought she did not want me there and that I should go and my mind was whirling and tears were rolling and I was scared and irritated/frustrated that I could not maintain control, and I was doing everything in my power to stay present, I was shaking. I was looking everywhere but at her, because she had a mask on. And she was saying stuff, I don’t know she finally said, “Ok, now I am feeling really uncomfortable.”
I choked out the question, “Do you want me to go?” She said, “No, I want for you to tell me what is happening.”
So, I told her that I made the appointment, the appointment to kill Joy. So we talked about that.
The thing is, it wasn’t Joy. Joy was 11 years old and I named her Evenstar’s Joyful Endeavor. She was out of my Jenna who was out of Arwen. The first litter out of Jenna and Gispo. And she was very special. I did conformation, agility, CGC, and Rally with her. I had high hopes for her, because she was sweet and good, but her hips at 2 looked worse than any hips I have ever seen on x-ray. I never bred her. But she was loved. Her hips did not cause issues until she was 10 and GSDs are given 10-12 years, so well, I can’t say it doesn’t hurt because it is almost killing me, it hurts so much. I whelped her and had her every day of her life. 11 years is a long time to share with a magnificent critter. But it wouldn’t hurt so bad if it wasn’t so good. And we know going into it that we will out live them. And Joy had been losing mobility for months. It was time.
I think the emotions were just on the surface because of that, and anything would have tipped them over. I had a really raunchy mask-less weekend, with being refused to be allowed in the bike shop, after having been given the wrong parts (their fault) and driving two more hours out of the way to go back. And having to get Cujo’s pills curbside because I am not allowed in the vet. And then the lady at the bank drive through telling me that I would have to make my loan payment in the lobby now since it is open, whereas, I had to explain, they require a mask and so I am using the drive through. And then some lady at WalMart making a crappy comment about my masklessness. All on the same day. So I was already heated about the Covid stuff.
And up to this point Angela was removing her mask when we got into her office. Yesterday she left it on. And when I mentioned it, she said she will lose her job if she doesn’t wear it. I think that is bullshit. But I can’t argue. She knows why I have trouble with her wearing it. I told her that I am afraid to tell them why I can’t wear the mask the whole time or they will try to make me tele-visit. She knows I don’t have the internet, and I would have to do that at my parents’ house in there living room, which I cannot do. I can’t wear the mask the entire time, and she is not making me. But she is wearing it, and I can’t look at her in it without increasing my anxiety almost to the point of panic. She wears hospital masks, and I have that white-coat syndrome. But that really isn’t the issue, the issue is needing to see facial expressions to connect. She says I know what her face looks like so she just doesn’t get it. And maybe I am over-reacting.
I told her I didn’t think I could come anymore. She said I was upset and should think about it. I really don’t know. I don’t know if she is helping me or if I am actually getting worse. I feel a lot worse. I think I am hanging on because the idea of stopping and finding someone else is daunting.
We are miles apart politically, but it seems that the field is dominated by folks that tend to be liberals. And folks say that we that support our president are racist and a bunch of other things. I can only say that my two favorite people in the universe are 13 year old girls from Guatamala. And, that I think we as a society should embrace everyone as human beings, and not separate people into races and genders, religions and preferences pointing out and celebrating differences, making victims of everyone for whatever minority they belong to. I think we should accept all people as individuals on their own merit, stepping up when anyone is treated with injustice without regard to the groups the perpetrator and/or victim belongs to. I am ok with everyone having their own views, so that shouldn’t be a problem. But maybe it is.
The vet came to my house this morning with a tech, and my dad came to help me with her body. The vet and her tech were wearing masks. But it was ok. I wasn’t we were outside, and I think that made everything easier. I did my balling for Joy yesterday. I went to work, but had trouble focusing, so I took a half day vacation.
I don’t know what to do. I told Angela not to cancel my appointments. But it so hard to not feel like a leper when people are wearing masks, so hard to read people without being able to see them. Covid sucks!!! Not because of the virus, but because of the lengths people go to try to have the power that only God has.