Ive been quite since my second post not because i was nervous, but i just wasnt sure what more to say i guess. I always feel like once i get it out what happened theres not much else to say. everything else are things i assume people already can guess, like yes i have flashbacks, and i struggle with triggers, and all of the usual stuff, so ive just came back and stared at my posts not really knowing where to go from there.
recently i realized though that what ive been doing in therapy has genuinely been helping me take some of the sting out, being able to just say what happened to be as a fact and not questioning it at every turn or feeling myself break down describing it to the point that i keep getting this weird urge to talk about it more than usual
it used to be something i was scared to admit, im not sure if it was really shame or something more deep seated but i was very anxious to ever talk anout it with anyone
recently i started seeing someone new, hes incredible and makes me so happy, it sounds cheesy but its one of those “i never believed in love at first sight until i met him” and im so unbelievably happy and comfortable with him, to the point i told him basically my whole story and in turn he told me his own and we just held eachother and cried a little bit for eachother and ourselves but it was so. comforting. and healing to tell someone in person who i think i probably love and have him so completely and nonjudgmentally accept me like that, and it also like. idk it makes me so much more comfortable knowing that he knows in detail why certain things trigger me
when we went to the aquarium together and i made a casual remark about how i prefer aquariums to zoos because i dont have to worry about snakes, something that normally would spark a very uncomfortable debate about the animal i would quickly wish i hadnt started, but i saw his face change and he looked so sad and he squeezed my hand and just said he liked aquariums more too and moved on. we were in a museum ive gone to before and it only took a casual nod in the direction of a statue holding a large fake snake for him to understand instantly that i couldnt go that way, and he didnt make a big deal about it he just directed me somewhere else
those things usually spark these huge debates with people who dont understand why i have that reaction to them, who think im just someone who thinks theyre creepy and gross or whatever, and theres no real way to easily explain to people that my dislike of them goes so much deeper than that, i dont know how to tell people that im not afraif of being bitten by one, im afraid of being raped by one cuz my childhood was a mess and my brain gets all fuzzy and i have an instinctive reaction to just freeze around them and im overcome with fear and dread and my paranoia goes theough the roof. its more than just a fear of them, theyre a trigger and i wish people could respect that the way he does.
i guess ive just been thinking abt that trigger a lot lately cuz its always been the one part of my trauma narrative that confuses me the most. i always wonder how normal a weird story like that is to keep a kid quiet and under control. i watched abducted in plain sight with my mom and the man in that instance also used a completely implausible story to manipulate his victim, and hearing that felt a little reassuring to know that at least one other person bought into a weird lie by a pedophile, i used to always worry that that detail was something that would cause people to not believe me, cuz it sounds unbelieveable. i mean, in a lot of ways the whole story sounds unbelievable but i guess thats just thing that makes me the most anxious about my story and having someone accept it without question has made me feel so much more comfortable.