Third post

Ive been quite since my second post not because i was nervous, but i just wasnt sure what more to say i guess. I always feel like once i get it out what happened theres not much else to say. everything else are things i assume people already can guess, like yes i have flashbacks, and i struggle with triggers, and all of the usual stuff, so ive just came back and stared at my posts not really knowing where to go from there. 

recently i realized though that what ive been doing in therapy has genuinely been helping me take some of the sting out, being able to just say what happened to be as a fact and not questioning it at every turn or feeling myself break down describing it to the point that i keep getting this weird urge to talk about it more than usual

it used to be something i was scared to admit, im not sure if it was really shame or something more deep seated but i was very anxious to ever talk anout it with anyone 

recently i started seeing someone new, hes incredible and makes me so happy, it sounds cheesy but its one of those “i never believed in love at first sight until i met him” and im so unbelievably happy and comfortable with him, to the point i told him basically my whole story and in turn he told me his own and we just held eachother and cried a little bit for eachother and ourselves but it was so. comforting. and healing to tell someone in person who i think i probably love and have him so completely and nonjudgmentally accept me like that, and it also like. idk it makes me so much more comfortable knowing that he knows in detail why certain things trigger me

when we went to the aquarium together and i made a casual remark about how i prefer aquariums to zoos because i dont have to worry about snakes, something that normally would spark a very uncomfortable debate about the animal i would quickly wish i hadnt started, but i saw his face change and he looked so sad and he squeezed my hand and just said he liked aquariums more too and moved on. we were in a museum ive gone to before and it only took a casual nod in the direction of a statue holding a large fake snake for him to understand instantly that i couldnt go that way, and he didnt make a big deal about it he just directed me somewhere else

those things usually spark these huge debates with people who dont understand why i have that reaction to them, who think im just someone who thinks theyre creepy and gross or whatever, and theres no real way to easily explain to people that my dislike of them goes so much deeper than that, i dont know how to tell people that im not afraif of being bitten by one, im afraid of being raped by one cuz my childhood was a mess and my brain gets all fuzzy and i have an instinctive reaction to just freeze around them and im overcome with fear and dread and my paranoia goes theough the roof. its more than just a fear of them, theyre a trigger and i wish people could respect that the way he does. 

i guess ive just been thinking abt that trigger a lot lately cuz its always been the one part of my trauma narrative that confuses me the most. i always wonder how normal a weird story like that is to keep a kid quiet and under control. i watched abducted in plain sight with my mom and the man in that instance also used a completely implausible story to manipulate his victim, and hearing that felt a little reassuring to know that at least one other person bought into a weird lie by a pedophile, i used to always worry that that detail was something that would cause people to not believe me, cuz it sounds unbelieveable. i mean, in a lot of ways the whole story sounds unbelievable but i guess thats just thing that makes me the most anxious about my story and having someone accept it without question has made me feel so much more comfortable. 


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20 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for coming back to share updates with us. I am glad to hear that therapy has been helping take the sting out of things. It must be great to see progress! I am also so happy that you are seeing someone who treats you well. That is so great to hear! It’s great to see that he is supportive and understanding about your fears and triggers. Please continue to update us if you want to. We are all here for you.

    Tyler

  2. Gamato04

    An odd detail about your story doesn’t make it any less real, it just makes different. I’m glad to hear you have a boyfriend who is understanding, compassionate, and protecting of you. It seems like he really knows where the boundaries are and how to be there for you which is amazing.

  3. mkyuellig

    Soundscape,

    It’s so good to hear from you again, because i’ve been thinking of you. I’m so excited and happy for you that you’ve found someone you feel comfortable and safe with. That can be very rare and precious, but it sounds like they understand your situation and want to support you and make you feel safe and comfortable. I also think it’s great that you are able to identify these triggers and can say “no” to being around them. There is no weakness in avoiding things that trigger you, I actually believe that it is brave and smart to be able to articulate your triggers and to be able to know yourself well enough to know these are things that I don’t want to be around. It sounds like you are making great practice, so keep up the good work. We are rooting for you!

    Stay strong, and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  4. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey there,

    It’s great to hear from you again, it great to hear your partner is so understanding and has been so supportive. Thank you for continuing to trust us and we hope to hear from you again. Stay strong

    -Brianna

  5. zoeyb

    I am so happy that your partner has been so understanding of your triggers and has been supporting you so incredibly well! It is a great feeling to know that someone has your back and can be reassuring in times when you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes all it takes to feel heard is a hand squeeze or a glance! I am glad to hear from you and that you are keeping us updated with your life 🙂 We will always be here to listen and support you. If you need to just vent or if you want to be heard by people who understand, we got you. I believe in you

  6. Zoe

    Hi, Soundscape.

    Thanks for trusting us and coming back with an update. Please know that you have nothing to feel bad about. We can’t really control what triggers us, especially when it’s something that was directly related to our abuse or assault. So what you’re feeling is completely normal, and you’re not alone. I know it’s hard when people don’t seem to understand, but just know that there’s nothing wrong with you at all. Your feelings are completely valid.

    If you wanted to try to work on this particular trigger, you might want to consider trying to talk through it in therapy. It’s entirely your decision, but sometimes it helps to directly confront what seems to be controlling us (in our own time and whenever we feel ready). Don’t feel bad if you feel like you can’t, that’s okay. But if you ever feel that you’ve gotten to a place where you want to start working on that, that is definitely an option.

    Zoe.

  7. Megan Volunteer

    Hey soundscape!

    I’m so happy that therapy is going well and you’re getting more comfortable talking about what happened to you! That really shows a lot of improvement, you should be proud of yourself! I’m also so glad that you have found someone that is understanding and you feel comfortable with. That’s awesome! As for the trigger, I think that’s something that you can definitely address in therapy. I think with some work with your therapist you will probably be able to lessen your reaction to the trigger so it’s not so upsetting each time you come in contact with it.

    Thank you for the update!
    Megan

  8. Lizzi G

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m glad you shared this update with us! I’m so thankful you’ve found someone that you can share these things with and someone that supports you through these triggers. He sounds like a great person and I’m glad that he makes you happy. I know dealing with triggers can be difficult, and with therapy and time it will get easier to deal with.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  9. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thanks for sharing this update with us. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve found such a wonderful partner who understands your triggers and is mindful in helping you avoid them. Triggers don’t always make sense, and people can come up with some very outlandish things to manipulate their victims. It’s wonderful that your new partner is so open and accepting. Please feel free to stop by in the future with any further updates. We’re here for you.

  10. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Soundscape,

    I’m so glad you are comfortable enough here to come back and share this update. I’m happy to hear you’ve found someone who you feel comfortable with and someone who cares. Triggers are normal – and it’s even more special when someone you are dating understands those triggers without pushing too much for information. Please remember that triggers can be anything, so there is nothing wrong or different about having snakes trigger you. For me, it’s camera flashes – which relates nothing back to my story, but for some reason, they do just that. Recognizing what makes you feel unsafe and taking precautions to avoids those just shows how strong you are and your will to fight. Please keep fighting.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  11. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, Soundscape. I’m so happy for you that you were able to connect with someone like that. I think it’s great that you can recognize your own triggers and take care of yourself—and also allow someone to take care of you. I think that’s a big benefit of getting to a point where you can talk about these things. It took me most of my life to get there. We spend so much time shoving stuff down and being numb, just acknowledging what triggers us is a big step forward. Keep up the hard work, and remember to be gentle with yourself. Thanks for sharing with us.

  12. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    Its good to hear back from you. I’m so happy that you have someone that you love and is understanding. It is great that he is so caring and wants to help you. Let us know if you need anymore help. Thank you for updating.
    -Alyssa

  13. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thanks for keeping us updated. I’m SO happy that you found someone that is so loving, understanding and supportive. It’s especially amazing because triggers are so personal and hard to understand for some people, but he just accepts that you’ve had major trauma and respects you. This sounds like an incredibly healthy and strong relationship, and I’m really happy for you.

    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. Stay strong. You’ve got this!!

    Marissa

  14. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing more with us. I’m glad you have found a partner that is so supportive and there for you-you deserve that. Triggers are tough, and I understand that. I’m glad you have a partner who supports you through this. Is there anything more we can do? You can come back to share whenever you would like.

    Erin

  15. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m so happy that you’re getting through the fear of sharing your story. I’m glad that therapy is helping you and that you have a supportive person at your side! He seems very understanding and sweet, and it’s great that he’s respectful about your triggers.
    I also agree with Solongago about applying an adult perspective to a child’s experience. The perpetrator unfortunately took advantage of you by telling you that scary story and doing what he did. It’s understandable that this is a trigger, and I believe you and your story.
    Thank you for sharing an update with us. You’re making progress, and I’m proud of you. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to write back. We’re here to support you and help you. You’ve got this, and you are strong!

  16. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,
    Thank you for coming back and writing to us. It is good to hear that you are doing well in therapy and that it is making it easier for you to share your story when you want to. Finding someone who understands your experiences and respects them without question is such a wonderful feeling; I am happy for you. As Solongago said, you are applying adult logic to something that happened to a child; I think those who prey on children often find some way to intimidate and threaten the child into silence…it doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to to be scary. Keep up the hard work of healing and come back to write as often as you would like.
    Sending love and strength,
    Roxie

  17. MH Volunteer

    Hello Soundscape,
    I am glad that therapy has been helping you. I am also glad that you started seeing someone new who makes you happy. Thank you for trusting us. Always know that we will never judge you. We are here for you!
    Feel free to come back at anytime.
    MH

  18. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you so much for reaching out again! I am so incredibly happy that you have found a partner that understands and supports you; he seems pretty amazing! Keep on doing well in therapy and healing a bit more everyday; we are always here for you. Stay strong <3

  19. Solongago

    I’m glad you found someone who is sensitive and loving and respects you that you feel comfortable with. I expect that is very healing.

    Your story is your story. It maybe sounds unbelievable to you because you are placing an adult mindset to a child’s experience. We do that. It is amazing how bad people can be to other people, especially children. It is also amazing how good people can be and how unbelievable that can feel because we generally only hear about the bad. No one makes stories about when folks did the right thing and so on. There are some bad folks out there, and some of them are really, really bad. But there are a lot more good folks out there.

    I believe you, and I am excited for you about your relationship.

  20. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for continuing to come back to confiding in us! That’s so awesome therapy is helping and I’m glad you found a good guy for you. The triggers are always tough, but I’m sure they will get better over time. But completely understandable. I love that you are telling people what happened to you. Keep at it. Keep pushing. Keep getting better. We are so proud of you! And we are always here for you.