There & Back Again

There & Back Again

538 11

Feb 2011…

I was only 18, going on 19 when this occured. Back in high school, I never dated or had anyone special. I figured dating was overrated since my generation is nothing but hookups and who can get “some” within a week, so I waited until after high school to pursue relationships.
It wasn’t until I was in community college that I decided to try out online dating, and I found this photo of a cute guy named Cody (not mentioning his real name) with jet black hair, lip piercings and brown eyes.
I figured it’s worth a shot, so I messaged him and next thing I know, we’re messaging back and forth, building a bond through social media, texts, etc that he insisted on coming to meet me at my family’s home in December 2010.
Move onto Feb 211 when it was my turn to meet his family, I thought all was well. His family approved, I became good friends with his friends, and I guess I just wasn’t expecting anything bad to happen. I mean, what could’ve gone wrong, right?
Definitely wrong.
I really don’t want to go into detail, but it was an experience that landed me into therapy, dropping out of community college, being prescribed all sorts of various medication, and extremely low self esteem.

It took me nearly 3 years to even start dating again, which to be honest, dating hasn’t been exactly my top priority anymore. 3/4 of my past relationships have been sexually based, where I’d be used to make someone other girl jealous, dumped because I lack sex appeal, dumped because of serious trust issues, the list goes on and on that even suicide has heavily been on my mind.

Fats forward to the present where i’m 25, I’m bipolar, heavily depressed, battle PTSD, graduated from art school a few years back, and I’m still easily triggered by being touched or looked at a certain way where I barely leave my house.

On top of dealing with these surpressed emotions, my sister’s ex fiance got heavily intoxicated one night and crept into my bedroom when I was asleep and touched my genital region, and at the time, I never told anyone in fear of being ridiculed or judged by my family.

I had a decent relationship where I actually felt love from the other, not because of how my body looks, but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be. I’m not giving up on love, but maybe if people could quit looking at a woman’s body like it’s an object to be messed with, then maybe my attitude will change.


Join the Conversation

11 comments

  1. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I am glad to hear that you are in therapy and I hope you get lots of support through there, whether you tell them your story or not. Please let us know if we wan do anything to help you.

  2. Heather GG

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that someone you trusted betrayed you. It wasn’t your fault.

    I’m sorry you have had several bad relationships. There are good people in the world. Sometimes they can be hard to find, but they are out there. I hope you are able to keep working on your depression and PTSD so you can live the life you want.

    If you need someone to talk to now, text Voice to 741741

  3. Ashley Day Captain

    Jamie,

    There’s no pressure to share details about what happened.

    Your sisters ex-fianc√© had no right to enter your bedroom. It’s heartbreaking to hear that you were terrified to tell someone; not wanting to be ridiculed or judged isn’t abnormal. I’m thankful you have decided to tell our community. I believe you and I’m not judging you.

    I’m wondering, who else have you talked to about what has happened?

    1. JamieMarie1992 Volunteer

      Hi Ashley, thank you for responding.
      I was in a full breakdown this past Friday that I told my mom and sister about her ex touching me, and that was back in March of this year.
      I have therapy every Wednesday and I haven’t brought up my past sexual abuse yet.

  4. Bethany Volunteer

    Hey there,

    You’re so incredibly strong. I’m sorry you were objectified and not personified. That’s not fair. This had to be heartbreaking.

    Focus on you. You are who matters most in your life. You are so strong and have gone through so much at such a young age.

    If it ever gets too bad, know that people are there if you text VOICE to 741741. Someone will text you back right away.

  5. Kristen Eby

    Hey JamieMarie1992.

    I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. What your ex did was wrong, and it was not your fault. I understand the issues you’ve faced since; I too suffer from severe anxiety brought on by sexual assault. I have been dealing with depression since long before that, but recently I was diagnosed as bipolar as well. I don’t tell you this to make it about me, rather, to let you know you’re not alone.

    I hate that your sister’s ex did that to you. It’s gross and wrong, and again, it was not your fault. Have you considered talking to someone else about it (I totally get not wanting to tell your family)? Maybe a trusted friend? Sometimes just getting it off your chest to someone in person can help. If you want, you can also text VOICE to 741-741 and be connected immediately to a counselor; it’s free and 24/7.

    I’m glad you’re not giving up on love. You’re a whole, beautiful person, and nothing this guy did can ever take that away from you. You deserve love and support.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please come back and talk more anytime; we’re in your corner.

    Kristen

    1. JamieMarie1992 Volunteer

      I had a mental breakdown a few days ago and told my mom and sister about her ex touching me, as well as what another ex of mine did when we were both heavily drunk and high.
      I’ve stopped using alcohol to submerge myself for the fact that I’m on medication.

  6. Jacqui

    Hi there, I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. What has happened to you was not okay and I am sorry you have been so impacted. You are so strong and I understand how it must take a toll on you. But you are so strong and you shouldn’t forget that. You should be so proud that you graduated art school! that is something to be so so proud of. Have you been to therapy? How can we help? Please know that you’re not alone.

  7. Francis

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You’re not alone, I hope you know that. Keep your head up and continue not giving up on love. Love is a wonderful thing when you find the perfect person to share it with. Continue staying strong. If you need anything else AVFTI will be here to help
    -Francis

  8. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi JamieMarie1992,
    I am so sorry that happened to you and that things didn’t work out with the one guy who was nice. Like you said don’t give up on love because there are nice guys out there who won’t just care about your body. You will find someone that things will work out with.
    It is okay to have those kinds of feelings after a traumatic experience, but just know that you are not alone now that you found AVFTI. We won’t judge you and we will help you as much as we can. If you feel suicidal like Erin said you can text VOICE to 741-741 for immediate help.
    Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. If you need anything you can always write back.
    -Alyssa

  9. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for all the pain and abuse you have experienced. You didn’t deserve any of it, and it wasn’t your fault. If you feel like you need to talk to someone more immediately, please text VOICE to 741 741. We are here for you-we believe you. Thank you for sharing your story and let us know what else we can do to help you.

    Erin