The year that fell apart in pieces

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It was June of 1986 and since September of 1983 I had overcome suicide thoughts, self harm habit where I would mostly punch my legs, and upper arms, but would also because I’m double jointed, proper term I understand is having more flexible bones, I was able to punch my back, and I would even punch my ribs, or chest, why? Cause the deep emotional pain hurt so much more than any physical pain I afflicted on myself, I have been known to even cause large bruises at times. I had nightmares, migraines, even had petite mal seizures, past out 3 times, panic attacks regularly. Most of this was all due to my rape and sex abuse in a matter of 1-2 months in the spring of 1981.

In was now in photography, computers, student of video production, top student in biology, biology club, and worked part time at the cable station as a video tech asst. at my high school during school term, full time during the summer.

My step father had been working, its hard to say when everything fell to pieces, I think it was sometime in September of 1986 when we noticed my step father acting a little different, turned out he started cheating on my mother the most illicit affair you could have, in addition he started doing cocaine with her which caused problems we had never seen, by January he was abusing crack and we’d only see him maybe 10 minutes a day, then he’d run back out again. My mother started abusing my step sister and me, well I’d leave before all the fireworks started in the morning most likely uh 6:30 am I was gone, when I got back home by 4 or 5 that night I noticed my step father would be home now he was beating anyone he could. He even said hevwanted to move us in the basement so he could move his new bitch and her daughter upstairs with him, thatvway he could have them both at any point of the day.

One night in 1989 my step father came home and obviously drunk or high don’t know or care came into my room in the early morning and for a third and last time to try to rape me as he began taking his clothes off I somehow got passed him and ran out the room and was going to run across the street to a girls house I graduated with, i made it to the front of the house, he tackled me on the front lawn, I gave up and slowly went into the house. I noticed fear was in his eyes that night, fear that I was going to tell my mother or whoever would listen to me. The following day I told my mother what happened and he broke down and cried saying he would never do that, she took me in the living room and asked me what my attraction of being raped is?, I asked her what are you talking about that’s when shevsaid regarding my rapist he didn’t really fuck me did he? I was not only physically sick but livid, for the first time I realized she didn’t believe me, to be safe after I got sick I moved in with my grandmother and that turned out to be just as bad she kept me more of a prisoner than I was before, I wasn’t even let out of the chain link fence, she’d sometimes throw glass plates at me during the day, I would duck and dodge them all, or I would wake up in the night with her standing over me. I called my mother and told her something had to be done and that’s when she told me that instead of going to college like I wanted that I will take care of the house while her, and my step father went to school. When I tried to tell her no, she said you’d never make it anyway, so accept the fact you nothing and never will be.

I lived like that until 1992 when I moved into my house, which was my grandmas house. When I brought my mother to live I knew my step father was coming, I knew she would never leave him, and he lived with us until he died in 1997, by 1998 my mother began abusing me only now as a adult mostly mental and emotional but at times she would hurt me physically.

Years ago I helped a teacher I didn’t know bring things she couldn’t carry to her room, once I was there, she asked me who I had for my last hour. To my surprise at my last hour two older students came and asked for me, as I walked to the room I realized the teacher was leaving to teach somewhere else and invited me to a end of the year party, I only wanted to help. 12 years later I was working as a video tech when we had a filming to do, as I walked down the hall and past a open classroom door a older woman stepped out and said young man, I froze she put her arm around me and guided me into this 4th grade class and proudly told the class she hopes all her students grow to be as strong, and as nice as I was. I was a little embarrassed but I realized she saw things in me nobody else has ever seen including me.

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  1. CarmenR Volunteer

    I am happy to hear of the memory you had with that teacher. Please remember the wonderful qualities that she sees in you. You don’t deserve the abuse you have endured, but know that there are people out there who care about you and see the amazing qualities you have. Keep staying strong, and thank you for sharing!


  2. Erin Day Captain

    I continue to be sorry for all the pain and abuse you have experienced. You don’t deserve it, and it is most certainly not your fault. I’m glad you had that teacher believe in you and provide you with that nice memory-hold on to that. Remember that. Those are the opinions that matter. Good vibes only. Thank you for coming back to share.


  3. Kristen Eby

    It makes me extremely happy to hear this teacher saw your worth. You’ve been through so much, and I can’t imagine having the people who are supposed to love you most treat you the way your family has. You are a kind person, and deserve to be recognized as such.

    1. focus.1968

      The amazing part is and I still wonder. She never saw me before or after the party and yet she remembered me after 12-13 years, somehow I must have had a impact on her somewhere, perhaps she heard about me, it was kind of hard not to, she helped me never to give up and have faith in people to a degree, I never forgot her after that day