The struggle gets easier but never fully goes away

The struggle gets easier but never fully goes away

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I am here after creeping into my exes social media bc I do like to check up on him from time to time to make sure he is doing okay. (weird I know, but I’ll always care about his well doing).

There’s been a lot of sexual abuse in my life. My first memory being in elementary school at my friend’s house sleeping over. Her father thought we were asleep. He came over and I closed my eyes while he lifted the sheets. Idk what he was doing but kept the sheets up while he stood there. (as an adult I know he was being a creep.
Next was a family friend and we would have sleep overs. We were 10 and 12. We would pretend to have sex with our clothes on. I thought it was weird but it was pretend. We would rub our bodies together with our clothes on. A year later her parents had a party and she begged to keep her older male cousin from her. She told me he sexually abused her. But I never told anyone and we never played “pretend” again. And to this day never mention it.
I had sex at 14 with my neighbor friend. He just wanted to try it. It was just a dare and we didn’t fully engage. The whole school knew about it the next day, and from that day out I became the “slut”.
Freshmen year of hs the star football player found “interest in me”. He would give me pills and we could have sex. One time his friend was there. I didn’t understand what was going on. We were having sex and his friend came in. I told him to get out, but the guy said no you want to do this for me. I had sex with both of them, I didn’t want to, it hurt and I cried for them to stop. Eventually the new guy backed off and the football player didn’t want to stop, the second guy yelled at him that it was going too far. I remember just laying there crying into submission. The next day the school knew. I was one again the laughing stock for the school. I was harassed so much and not too long after was in a car crash that almost killed me. My parents made me move schools.
The new school, new guys.. cheaters both of them. Senior year my bf would have his friends watch us have sex saying he was showing me off. He cheated on me over and over validating that his dad cheated on his mom and they were still together.

I struggled with alcohol and drugs for 10 years after. I struggled with trust. Constantly finding validation of being wanted with sex. Continuously harassed. College having sex with guys in hopes they would like me. Finally having my first real relationship ruining it by not trusting and abused him. Cheated on him bc I knew he cheated on me when he was on the road with his band. And he moved Across the country with only a phone call to let me know. He was mean and cold hearted. Knowing I have abandonment issues due to my biological mother leaving me at 2, and biological father being an alcoholic and leaving me with my Gma for a woman at 5. He died when I was 20. And went into deep depression that probably caused me to ruin many relationships including this one. I hadn’t spoke to my father since I was 15 and held so much regret on my shoulders

I was sad and alone living at home with my adopted parents (who saved me at 12) and luckily was my biological aunt and her husband. One day on MySpace a guy reached out to me. He drove from ky to visit me. We dated for years after. We were toxic. Both damaged but both loving each other. We both had zero trust. We never were allowed to see our friends. Isolated with just each other. Abandonment and sexual abuse were our problems, and you would think it would bond us but we never dealt with our problems or got help. Depression and anxiety were our friends and we would just abuse each other. Sexually we were fine. Which makes sense to me now. We would let the sexual part of our lives keep it alive. We started to enjoy masochism (inflicting pain during sex). Until the point one day I saw so much anger in his eyes and he hit me so hard I had a black eye and could not hear from ear. I felt like I deserved it from the pain I had caused him. We Eventually broke up and as great as he was he was better off without me.

I got into a summer fling with a guy who was separated from his wife during a break me and the last bf had. He was a leader of a well known worship band. I felt wanted, but he had an addition to sex age porn and realized he was depressed from his marriage failing. We never ever had sex but everything but that. Guess that was ok in his eyes. I was used. And later found out he was doing the same to my friend. The constant feeling of used never left my head but I would let it happen all my life.

I had officially broken Up with my ex which I gave him no closure and to this day I wish I had the strength to have done so. But I know one more talk with him and I would fall back into that relationship that we both knew was toxic. I told myself I was done with men. I hated them all. From my father to every guy who used and abused me. I refused to date. This was the first time in my life I had not wanted to have validation from a guy. This is when I met my now husband.

I didn’t mean to date him. He had asked me out for months. But I refused to date anyone. Well I needed a date to my friends bfs show. I didn’t want to be the only one there single.

From that day forward we have been together. He knows of my struggles and why sex is not the same for me as it is him. He sees it as being intimate and I have zero understanding from the abuse I’ve had. I feel bad for him but I’m ever so lucky to have found the most patient and kind being. He never raises his voice at me, and is still there for me when I struggle with depression or anger issues. My whole moral of this long story is there is hope for people like you and me. Each story is different but were all have one thing in common and that’s pain. We know pain all too well. How to hide our emotions from others. But together we can make a difference. It starts with talking about the pain. I had a therapist tell me that I’m not angry bc I’m angry. My anger stems from hurt. And I never knew the difference. So when I’m having an angry episode I have to stop and remind myself it’s sadness and how to communicate it in a healthier way. I’ve been angry for so long but really I’ve just been sad for so long

It’s something I will struggle with all my life. I can not change what has happened to me but I can learn how to cope with it so that it does not control my life anymore. I’ve also learned black out drunk brings all the bad stuff back. And no way to drugs anymore.

Eating healthy, exercise, nature, my Loving husband and two sweet and crazy dogs are my antidepressants. Talk to someone. Start your journey to recovery.

Thanks for letting me creep and tell my story


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8 comments

  1. Heather GG

    I’m sorry for everything that you have been through, but glad that you were able to find your husband. You deserve to be happy. Thank you for sharing your story

  2. Erin Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for all the pain and trauma you endured. You didn’t deserve any bit of it, and none of it was your fault. I’m glad to hear that you seem to be doing much better, and that you have someone who truly cares for you. You deserve that. Is there anything else we can do to help you further? Let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin

  3. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. You are so incredibly brave, and you are an inspiration. Your message in your story is truly amazing. You are right in that there is always hope, and I am so glad that you have found ways to cope and heal. Keep up your strength and positivity. We are always here to support you, and please come back if you ever need to talk to someone!

    Carmen

  4. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Foreverastruggle,
    I am so sorry this happened to you, but I am so proud of you for getting yourself through this. I know how hard this must have been for you, but you are so strong and you never gave up. That is a huge accomplishment. It is good that your boyfriend now knows about what happened and he still loves you. That is great support and it is great that he there for you. If you need anything else don’t hesitate to write back. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with us.
    -Alyssa

  5. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello,

    You’re clearly a strong person. It can be terrifying when someone puts us in an uncomfortable situation. I get the impression that you constantly dealt with the feeling of being exposed – Your friend’s father looked at you inappropriately, your family friend convinced you that pretending to have sexual intercourse while wearing clothes was acceptable, the school discovered that you had sex with your neighbor and they made cruel remarks about you, and the school harassed you a second time over a situation you had no control over. None of these things should have happened; I can tell these occurrences took a toll on you because it seems like you believed the only way out was to consume alcohol and use drugs. It makes sense why you struggled with trust – If I understand you right, the abandonment issues seem to tie into the trust issues, which isn’t abnormal.

    It’s inspiring to know that you had the courage to sit across from a therapist. Despite the trust issues you’ve dealt with, you were able to confide in your therapist and change the way you think. Your husband sounds supportive and understanding. Although I don’t know you, I believe you deserve to have someone like that in your life.

    Thank you for taking the time to share your story.

  6. Kristen Eby

    Hi there and welcome – I am so glad you found us. Your story is incredible; although I’m terribly sorry these things happened to you, I’m beyond proud of who you’ve become. You’re an inspiration for any of us who have experienced sexual assault or abuse. You’re a whole, beautiful, compassionate, valuable person, and you didn’t let anything these guys did take that away from you. That’s truly commendable.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please come back and talk more if you ever need to. We’re here for you.

  7. idk

    It’s so wonderful that you are sharing your story here and you are very brave. It’s great that you’ve spoken to a therapist about your story and it’s helping you. Keep on being strong and brave and we all can overcome being fearful, hurt and depressed. I’m very proud that your on the road to recovery because you continue to have hope 🙂

    Thank you again for sharing you story!

    idk

  8. Jacqui

    You are so welcome. I am so glad you came here. I am so glad you are doing so great…but I know that it helps to keep telling your story. You can always come here to talk no matter what. You are so strong and I know your story will help others. Thank you for coming here.