I am here after creeping into my exes social media bc I do like to check up on him from time to time to make sure he is doing okay. (weird I know, but I’ll always care about his well doing).
There’s been a lot of sexual abuse in my life. My first memory being in elementary school at my friend’s house sleeping over. Her father thought we were asleep. He came over and I closed my eyes while he lifted the sheets. Idk what he was doing but kept the sheets up while he stood there. (as an adult I know he was being a creep.
Next was a family friend and we would have sleep overs. We were 10 and 12. We would pretend to have sex with our clothes on. I thought it was weird but it was pretend. We would rub our bodies together with our clothes on. A year later her parents had a party and she begged to keep her older male cousin from her. She told me he sexually abused her. But I never told anyone and we never played “pretend” again. And to this day never mention it.
I had sex at 14 with my neighbor friend. He just wanted to try it. It was just a dare and we didn’t fully engage. The whole school knew about it the next day, and from that day out I became the “slut”.
Freshmen year of hs the star football player found “interest in me”. He would give me pills and we could have sex. One time his friend was there. I didn’t understand what was going on. We were having sex and his friend came in. I told him to get out, but the guy said no you want to do this for me. I had sex with both of them, I didn’t want to, it hurt and I cried for them to stop. Eventually the new guy backed off and the football player didn’t want to stop, the second guy yelled at him that it was going too far. I remember just laying there crying into submission. The next day the school knew. I was one again the laughing stock for the school. I was harassed so much and not too long after was in a car crash that almost killed me. My parents made me move schools.
The new school, new guys.. cheaters both of them. Senior year my bf would have his friends watch us have sex saying he was showing me off. He cheated on me over and over validating that his dad cheated on his mom and they were still together.
I struggled with alcohol and drugs for 10 years after. I struggled with trust. Constantly finding validation of being wanted with sex. Continuously harassed. College having sex with guys in hopes they would like me. Finally having my first real relationship ruining it by not trusting and abused him. Cheated on him bc I knew he cheated on me when he was on the road with his band. And he moved Across the country with only a phone call to let me know. He was mean and cold hearted. Knowing I have abandonment issues due to my biological mother leaving me at 2, and biological father being an alcoholic and leaving me with my Gma for a woman at 5. He died when I was 20. And went into deep depression that probably caused me to ruin many relationships including this one. I hadn’t spoke to my father since I was 15 and held so much regret on my shoulders
I was sad and alone living at home with my adopted parents (who saved me at 12) and luckily was my biological aunt and her husband. One day on MySpace a guy reached out to me. He drove from ky to visit me. We dated for years after. We were toxic. Both damaged but both loving each other. We both had zero trust. We never were allowed to see our friends. Isolated with just each other. Abandonment and sexual abuse were our problems, and you would think it would bond us but we never dealt with our problems or got help. Depression and anxiety were our friends and we would just abuse each other. Sexually we were fine. Which makes sense to me now. We would let the sexual part of our lives keep it alive. We started to enjoy masochism (inflicting pain during sex). Until the point one day I saw so much anger in his eyes and he hit me so hard I had a black eye and could not hear from ear. I felt like I deserved it from the pain I had caused him. We Eventually broke up and as great as he was he was better off without me.
I got into a summer fling with a guy who was separated from his wife during a break me and the last bf had. He was a leader of a well known worship band. I felt wanted, but he had an addition to sex age porn and realized he was depressed from his marriage failing. We never ever had sex but everything but that. Guess that was ok in his eyes. I was used. And later found out he was doing the same to my friend. The constant feeling of used never left my head but I would let it happen all my life.
I had officially broken Up with my ex which I gave him no closure and to this day I wish I had the strength to have done so. But I know one more talk with him and I would fall back into that relationship that we both knew was toxic. I told myself I was done with men. I hated them all. From my father to every guy who used and abused me. I refused to date. This was the first time in my life I had not wanted to have validation from a guy. This is when I met my now husband.
I didn’t mean to date him. He had asked me out for months. But I refused to date anyone. Well I needed a date to my friends bfs show. I didn’t want to be the only one there single.
From that day forward we have been together. He knows of my struggles and why sex is not the same for me as it is him. He sees it as being intimate and I have zero understanding from the abuse I’ve had. I feel bad for him but I’m ever so lucky to have found the most patient and kind being. He never raises his voice at me, and is still there for me when I struggle with depression or anger issues. My whole moral of this long story is there is hope for people like you and me. Each story is different but were all have one thing in common and that’s pain. We know pain all too well. How to hide our emotions from others. But together we can make a difference. It starts with talking about the pain. I had a therapist tell me that I’m not angry bc I’m angry. My anger stems from hurt. And I never knew the difference. So when I’m having an angry episode I have to stop and remind myself it’s sadness and how to communicate it in a healthier way. I’ve been angry for so long but really I’ve just been sad for so long
It’s something I will struggle with all my life. I can not change what has happened to me but I can learn how to cope with it so that it does not control my life anymore. I’ve also learned black out drunk brings all the bad stuff back. And no way to drugs anymore.
Eating healthy, exercise, nature, my Loving husband and two sweet and crazy dogs are my antidepressants. Talk to someone. Start your journey to recovery.
Thanks for letting me creep and tell my story