The Silent Witness

The Silent Witness

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I am lying here silently still in my bed, with thoughts of confusion flowing through my head. 

These hands that touch me are not mine.  This unwelcoming feeling sends a chill down my spine. 

Night after night this dark one appears, with the same intentions that in return leave me in tears. 

These incessant acts of abuse towards me are like steel chains that will never break free. 

My innocent and helpless body is controlled by another; A man who is suppose to love and cherish my mother. 

Four years have gone by and this confusion still taunts me; and I question myself, is this what a father’s love is suppose to be?

I then realize that I am a witness of an irreparable crime,  that left me in trauma and pain all of this time.  

I am now the silent witness in fear, that screams from the inside for help… but nobody can hear. 

______________________________________________

I wrote this poem when I was 18 years old. It was 7 years after I broke the silence that my father was molesting me. It started in 2nd grade (from what I remember). Finally in 5th grade I said something to one of my friends. I only told her because she said she had a secret that she couldn’t tell anyone, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity to say that my father was touching me and doing things to me that a dad shouldn’t be doing. 

Fast forward to life now. I am almost 42 years old. My father was in and out of my life… by my choice. Eventually I decided I no longer needed to make myself feel uncomfortable by going to family get togethers that included him. I owed him NOTHING!! I withdrew from anything having to do with him. 

Currently, I still have so much hurt and anger towards the whole abuse. He didn’t receive ANY type of consequences. He denied everything!! He gets to live his life never getting punished for ruining my life. 

There is A LOT to my story that is not told in this little bit. But I wanted to share the first poem I ever wrote about the abuse.  


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26 comments

  1. dzreid Volunteer

    Your poem is amazing! Thanks for sharing it. It takes a lot to take a stand. I applaud you for standing up & having the courage & for being strong enough to decide not to attend events. To me that shows that you can do this & you can begin to heal from the wounds created by your abuser! Good for you! Continue pressing on. We are here for you if you ever want to share again.
    Dawn

  2. Leximcclelland Volunteer

    Thank you very much for sharing your beautiful artwork. I think it’s wonderful you have an outlet like this, it take courage to tell your story and you did it in the form of a poem which is great.
    I am so sorry you went through such an awful trauma. You didn’t deserve it, and being that young. You father knew better and it sucks so much to know he didn’t get the punishment he deserves.
    I’m glad you stood up for yourself and don’t force yourself to go to places/events that make you feel uncomfortable.
    The AVFTI team is always here when you’re ready , if you want to tell more of your story.
    I hope you stay strong and have a great weekend.
    -lexi 🖤

  3. Jordan Volunteer

    Hi JLS,

    I cannot even begin to understand what this must have been like for you growing up… no child should ever have to experience this abuse. Especially from someone who is supposed to be the one protecting them from all the monsters underneath the bed. It sounds like you did what you thought was best for you, and that was removing him out of your life. Your physical, mental, and emotional well-being is so important, you should never feel like you have to give that up in order to make other people around you feel comfortable. I am sorry that you never got justice.. but just know that I think it is amazing that you were able to share a bit of your story with us, no matter if it was a lot or little, you can always come onto this website and share with us whatever you are comfortable with. Just know, that we are here for you, and we will always listen, and believe you. Sending you love and hugs your way <3
    – Jordan

  4. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello JLS,

    Thank you for taking the time to share your poem with our community.

    Your father had the responsibility to protect you; he had no right to inflict harm upon you. Since you were a child when the molestation occurred, it’s understandable that it was difficult to wrap your mind around his actions. After you made the courageous decision to confide in your friend, I’m sorry that the feeling of confusion was still present.
    When you say that you don’t owe him anything, you’re absolutely correct. It makes sense that you feel angry and hurt about the fact that he didn’t receive any consequences. Please know we’re willing to support you and that you can return to share more of your story.

    I believe you.

    Ashley

  5. grothkat8 Volunteer

    Hello JLS,

    First of all, thank you for coming to us and sharing your story. I’m sorry you went through that, and I hope that talking about it will help you on your path to healing. Also I’m glad you were able to find the strength to choose your happiness and cut out the negativity in your life. It can be hard to do in many circumstances, but sometimes it is best for our own mental health to distance ourselves.

    We are always here to listen when you need us!

    Katie

  6. zelda Volunteer

    I’m so sorry you went through that. You’re incredibly strong and incredibly brave for telling your story. I loved your poem as well, I loved how it rhymed as well as portrayed a picture of what life was like for you during those times. I hope by coming on here to share your experience that you’ve found a sense of peace and relief. We’re always here for you. If you need anything else, please feel free to message me.

  7. Lizzi

    Hey JLS,
    Thank you for sharing this part of your story with us. I’m so sorry for what happened to you growing up. It was wrong of him to do that, and it was never your fault. I’m so glad that you made the decision to cut him out of your life, as I can imagine how hard that would be to still see him occasionally. It makes me mad that he didn’t have any consequences or punishment for what he did, and that you still suffer from it. I hope by having him out of your life now that maybe you can get some peace.

  8. Megan Volunteer

    Hey JLS,

    Thank you for sharing your story; it takes a lot of courage to open up. I’m sorry that this happened to you. You deserve to be treated so much better than that. And it’s completely unfair that your father didn’t receive any consequences. It’s okay that you still have hurt and anger towards the abuse; your feelings are totally valid. Healing takes time, and everyone’s timelines to healing are different. If you ever want additional help along your healing journey, check out the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page and we have a variety of resources there.

    You are strong and you will get through this,
    Megan

  9. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi JLS,

    I’m so sorry that you endured abuse at the hands of your father, and that he also managed to escape consequences. Thank you for sharing your poetry with us. It was beautifully written. It’s okay to still be hurting and angry about what happened to you. There is no time limit on healing. Please feel free to share with us again as you need to. We’re here for you every step of the way.

    All the best,
    Becca

  10. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi JLS,
    Thank you for sharing your story and your poem with us. Your poem portrays your emotions very well. That being said, I’m really sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve for this to happen, and it wasn’t your fault. I can definitely understand why you’re angry, and I’m so sorry he denied everything. It’s so unfair that he didn’t receive any consequences.
    However, I am so glad you decided to protect yourself. I’m glad you’re not seeing him, and you’re right: you don’t owe him anything. By doing that, you put yourself first, and I’m proud of you.
    I hope sharing your story and poem is cathartic for you. If you ever need support and/or resources, please write back to us. We’re here for you, and we’re glad to help! You’ve got this.

  11. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey JLS

    Thank you for sharing your poem with us. I hope this lifts your shoulder and expressing yourself is so important. Having a family member who hurt you is no wrong and i am so sorry you had to go through that. It’s ok to be gentle with yourself and this takes time to heal. Writing is an important tool to use and we are here for you if you need support. We care for you and We are here for you.

  12. musicislove

    Hi JLS,

    Thank you so much for sharing that poem with us, I hope that sharing it and some of your story begins to lift some weight off of your shoulders. Sharing is powerful and takes a lot so I’m glad that you did so here. I’m so sorry for what you had to go through no one deserves that. It wasn’t your fault and you have every right to cut ties to protect yourself. Having a family member hurt you in that way is so difficult to deal with and I’m sorry he didn’t have to deal with any consequences, that’s even more unfair.Be gentle with yourself, writing is a great outlet, and we’re here for you for support whenever you need it. If you want to take it a step further you can find great resources under our Find Help tab.

    -Delaney

  13. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi JLS,

    That’s an incredibly powerful poem. Thank you for sharing story with us in this way. I am so sorry that this happened to you and none of this was your fault. It’s especially challenging when it’s a family member, but I’m glad you were able to make the choice you felt was best for your own well-being and you cut ties. It’s also okay to feel angry toward the situation. Your feels are valid and it’s okay to feel that way. Your feelings may change and fluctuate and that’s okay too. What’s the most important is to allow yourself to feel and do what’s best for you. You’re not alone. Please let us know how else we can help.

    Thomas

  14. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there, JLS,

    This is a really powerful poem. I’m glad you shared it and your story with us. Writing can be a really therapeutic way of finding peace in your experiences. You certainly don’t owe your father anything, and holding onto that hurt is natural. Continuing to write might be a way that you’re able to work through those feelings. It sounds like cutting your father out of your life is also a healthy way for you to continue to move forward. Please don’t hesitate to come back to us if you need the support! We’re here for you as you work through these experiences.

  15. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, JLS. Thanks for sharing your story and your poem. We hear you. I think writing is a great way to get these emotions out. I’m so sorry your father did that to you. He should have protected you instead of being your perpetrator. I’m glad you were able to make the choice to protect yourself above all else. I know it’s not easy, especially when the person you have to protect yourself from is a family member. I know how isolating that can be. I’m sorry he was not brought to justice for his crimes. It’s not fair. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help. Please come back if you want to share more. We’re here for you.

  16. Jess Volunteer

    That poem is incredibly powerful. Thank you for sharing it and your story with us. I’m so glad you trusted us here. You’re so right – you owe him absolutely nothing and those things he did to you should not have happened. You are so strong. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3

    In the meantime, if you need anything else at all, please let us know. We are always here and we believe you. I hope sharing here allowed some weight to be lifted off your shoulders. If you'd like to update us as you feel comfortable, we are always here!
    -Jess

  17. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi JLS,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story and this powerful poem. You have a way with words, very impressive! You’re right, this is not what a fathers love is supposed to be, ever. I’m so glad that you feel empowered and realize that you owe him nothing! You are so strong. It will get easier. Keep working through your emotions at your own pace. Please come back and let us know if there is anything we can do to help!

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  18. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hi JLS,

    Thank you for bravely sharing your first poem about your abuse with us. I am so sorry that you went through this as a child. I am glad you know that you don’t owe him anything, and I hope you know that this wasn’t your fault. It can be incredibly difficult to come to the conclusion that you don’t need to associate yourself with family, but I am really glad to hear that you prioritized yourself and your happiness. I am really proud of you. I think your feelings and anger are completely warranted and valid – it’s very frustrating and disappointing (to put it lightly) when justice has not been served. But I hope you are kind to yourself. Stay strong and keep your chin up.

    Sending love and support,
    Bre

  19. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear JLS,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story and your poem. I am so sorry that this happened to you and that there were no repercussions for your father. It is a very difficult thing to have to be the one suffering for the wrongs that someone else did while they get to go on with their life. I hope that you have been able to find happiness despite the hurt and anger. I hope that there has been some healing and that sharing your story with us helps you heal even more. Our Find Help tab has a variety of resources in that you may find useful. Not everyone heals in the same way so there are articles, hotlines, text-lines, books, agencies, and lists of counselors by area. We are also always here to listen and to hold your secrets. This is a safe place and we believe you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  20. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing this powerful poem with us. I am so sorry that you went through this, especially at such a young age and by someone that is supposed to protect you. You definitely do not owe him anything and if having no contact helps you heal, then it is a good choice. We are always here for you if you need any help or resources. Stay strong <3

  21. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi JLS,
    I’m so sorry this happened. You did not deserve this. Thank you for sharing your poem with us. That fact that your dad never got punished for his actions is horrible.You did the right thing by not talking to him and breaking contact with your family when you know he is going to be there. You don’t have to see him or talk to him if you don’t want to. You don’t have to share anything on hear that you don’t want to. If you want to write more you are always welcomed to come back and write anything that is on your mind. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong. If you need anything you can always write back.
    -Alyssa

  22. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi JLS,

    Thanks for sharing your poem and your story with us. I’m so sorry your dad did that to you and then got off with no consequences. You didn’t deserve anything that happened to you at all. I’m so proud of you for breaking off contact with him. I’m sure it was a hard decision, avoiding family get togethers that he was attending, but it’s really great that you were able to put yourself first. Your mental health is important and your feelings about him are completely valid.

    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. Feel free to come back and give updates or additional info on what happened. We’re here for you, but make sure to only do what you’re comfortable with. This is a safe space and we want you to feel comfortable here.

    Marissa

  23. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi JLS,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry that you experienced this. You didn’t deserve to go through this, and it’s not your fault. Please feel free to continue sharing your story and update us. Let us know if you ever need anything. We’re always here for you.

  24. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, and your poem. I am so sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. You can come back to share more anytime-we are here for you, and we support you.

    Erin

  25. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi JLS,

    Thank you for sharing your poem with us, it is powerful and moving. I am so sorry for what you have been through, what happened was not your fault and you did not deserve any of it. it takes a lot of strength to tell others your story, and you are so brave for coming here. I hope you come back to update us with how you are doing, be kind to yourself. we are here for you

    Shannon

  26. Kayla Volunteer

    JLS,

    Thank you for sharing this poem and your story with us. I think the poem is hauntingly beautiful. You don’t owe him anything, it doesn’t matter that he’s your father. He is toxic and it’s your choice if you want to see him again. Have you ever spoken to him about it, or anyone in your family?

    If there’s anything we can do for you, please don’t hesitate to ask. Sharing your story can resurface trauma, so please focus on self care and be gentle with yourself.

    Sending you love,
    Kayla