The price paid

255 45

I have pondered for a while now about sharing this. I know this is a safe place & no one will judge me. This is why I’m sharing. I’m not able to see my therapist until Nov.

I used to say I was thankful that I never had to resort to prostitution at any time in exchange for money. Then I was reminded recently in a way, I was a prostitute. As a child when someone offers money  for a job completed, that money means a lot. When someone pays a child to have sex with them, it’s still money but comes with a price. Money is still money, but when obtained by preforming sexual acts, it doesn’t seem all that important. I was forced to do unspeakable sex acts. The more I preformed, the more the money I got. I felt extra special because I got more money than my siblings.

 I am trying to make this short. I’m sorry if it comes out long. I have been allowing someone to have sex with me in exchange to pay him for work he does & has done on my vehicles. It bothers me each time. I deal with the sex by numbing. It hurts emotionally & physically. I am reminded of my childhood each time, so I hide the tears & cry silently. I keep telling him I owe him money for the auto repairs. He just says I just need to come spend some time with him.  I stayed a couple weeks ago. I woke to him climbing in the bed & straddling me. I said it was easier on me if we went to the bathroom. I stand at the sink while he enters me. I went last week to spend a couple days with him. That night, I woke to him fondling my breast. I opened my eyes to him lifting my shirt to suck on my boob. I followed him to the bathroom where I allowed him to put his penis inside me yet again. It hurt so much. I cried more silent tears. He asks me if it feels good. I lie & say yes in hopes he’ll finish sooner. The truth is I hate it! I feel so ashamed. worthless, used, & cheap. I feel trapped. In my opinion, I have paid the price.  I don’t get any enjoyment out of it. I guess old habits die hard. I really am preforming acts as a prostitute! I have only said no maybe 2 times. So, because I don’t say no or don’t fight him, does it make it right?  I have no other way to pay him. I just want to curl in a hole & disappear! I am serious. I really do want to disappear, but I can’t!


Join the Conversation

45 comments

  1. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey dzreid,

    Thanks for sharing more with us. I’m so sorry you’re stuck in this sort of “loop” with that person. I agree with what others have said – you 100% deserve to be treated with respect. I just found this website; I hope it’s helpful! https://askthemoneycoach.com/2011/12/cant-afford-repair-car/

    I think the best way to find peace is to eliminate him from your life. Not saying no/not fighting doesn’t mean you have consented. That doesn’t mean what he is doing to you is right. I’m so sorry you have to wait so long to see your therapist, but please know that we are here for you no matter what. I hope we have been able to make you feel better about everything that’s been going on. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you! Our job is to help you however we can. Stay strong. You can do this.

    Marissa

    1. dzreid Volunteer

      Marissa, thanks for that website. I will definitely be checking into it!

  2. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thanks for reaching out to us here until you can get into your therapist. I’m sorry that you have to wait around until then, but I hope you’ve received some excellent feedback from all the wonderful volunteers since your post. You should not feel like you are doing anything wrong because the guy who is doing auto repairs for you is expecting sex. In fact, it sounds like there are situations where you have not consented. I know car repairs can be costly, but there are decent mechanics out there who would be willing to work with you financially. You deserve respect and you will not receive it from this guy. I think the only way for you to start to feel better is to eliminate him from your life if you are in a situation to do so. We are here for you if you need to have additional support in this move until you can talk more to your therapist. You can always find additional resources on the Find Help tab of our website if you are needing additional help too. We are all hoping for the best for you!

  3. Mary Ella Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for sharing this with us. This is a very difficult situation you’re in, and the fact that this man is taking advantage of your vulnerability is a terrible situation to be in. I wanted to remind you that your feelings are so valid, and we support you. You are definitely not worthless, used, or cheap. Hopefully, you’d be able to talk to him and find some type of arrangement with him because you deserve to be respected and not feel forced to have sexual relations with anyone. You have boundaries and this relationship seem to be crossing all of them. You do not deserve to feel trapped in this situation, and I hope you found some solace sharing this with us here.

    If you ever need anyone to talk to, you’re always welcome to come back and share – especially when you start going to therapy again. We are here for you!

  4. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I’m sorry to hear that you won’t be able to see your therapist for a bit. We are all here for you in the meantime! I’m sorry to hear about what you were forced to do as a child. What happened doesn’t define who you are. I hope you know that you never have to have sex with someone if you don’t want to. If it’s something you don’t want to do I’m sure you can work out another payment plan with this person. I’m so sorry that you have been put in this position. I think it’s worth telling him no moving forward. If he respects you he will understand and will help you figure out when you can pay him for the auto work. Since you can’t talk to your therapist right now maybe you can give one of these numbers a call? https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/hotlines/ they might have some actionable items you can take to get yourself out of this.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  5. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,
    Thank you for sharing your story. Please know that this is always a safe space, and you are always more than welcome to share. Especially since you can’t see your therapist until November, this can be a great space for you to express all that you are feeling.
    I can see that you are in a very tough situation because you feel like you are stuck with this man in order to get your car fixed. I am sorry that he put you in this situation in the first place. It is not right of him to do those things, especially when he knows you are essentially stuck. It is not at all your fault, and you are not worthless. You are just doing what you feel is necessary to survive. However, you are strong, and you have the power to say no to him. I hope that you get to see your therapist soon and that things start to get better.

  6. Ruby98 Volunteer

    Hi Dzreid, I am incredibly sorry for what you went through and thank you for sharing your story with us, it is very brave of you. Please know that what happened to you as a child is not your fault in any way. Do not apologize for the length of your story, we are here to hear you and support you no matter what. I know what you have been doing is reminding you of what happened to you, but what he is doing is completely wrong. It was not okay then and it is not okay now, it will never be okay to do such acts. He should not be touching you while you are in the midst of sleeping/waking up. I’m wondering if maybe you can get your vehicle fixed somewhere else to avoid having this encounter? If it helps some places offer payment plans but I know everyone is under different circumstances but it is an option that I hope can be of help. I hope you don’t have to see this person any more and November arrives fast. You have all the right to feel your emotions because what you are going through is painful but you are worthy, valuable, strong, brave, resilient and more than anything loved by those around you. I recommend navigating through the website and going under the “Find Help” tab. Perhaps there are resources near you that can help you meanwhile your appointment with your therapist. I hope things get better and you find your self having a better week. Please take care of your self, and stay safe. I look forward to hearing from you sharing any updates with us, we are here for you.

  7. lizzi

    Hi dzreid,
    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and all the emotional and physical hurt you’re experiencing. As a child, you had no way of understanding what was happening to you, and any child gets excited over being given money. It was wrong of someone to force you to do those acts especially being so young. And even if you were previously okay with having sex in exchange for car repairs, that doesn’t mean you’re still okay with it. It sounds like it’s hurting you so much to let him continue. It concerns me that you wake up to him doing things that he should only be doing if you were awake and consenting. Even if you don’t say no, it’s still not right. Is it possible to find someone else to help with your vehicle so that you don’t feel like you have to keep putting yourself in this uncomfortable position? I hope things get better for you soon. Thank you for trusting us with this part of your story and I hope you’ll keep us updated if you want to. We believe you and we’re here for you.

  8. tbird830 Volunteer

    Dzreid,

    Thank you so very much for trusting us enough to share your story with us. Please know that we are a safe place and you are not being judged at all. You have experienced so much trauma in your life and it makes so much sense that these encounters with this man remind you of experiences you had as a child.

    Please know that what he has been doing to you is in no way acceptable or appropriate and you have every right to feel the way you feel about it. Your feelings are valid. But please also know that you are worthy, loved, and supported. You have so much value and none of the traumatic experiences you’ve had lessen your worth. You are strong and brave and you can get through this, even if it feels like it’s impossible right now.

    It’s a really hard situation you’re in feeling like you’re stuck having to continue this “relationship” with him because you don’t have other options for paying for auto repairs. I’m wondering if there are any local resources that might be able to help with repairs elsewhere. I know there are some in my area and I would be happy to look into it for you if you’d like.

    Please continue to utilize us for support. You can also check out our “find help” tab for additional resources. I hope that your therapy appointment comes quick and you’re able to get the professional support that you likely need right now. We’re always here for you as well.

    Remember, you are strong, valuable, and loved more than you know.

    -Tori

  9. rohina_kumar Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you so much for coming on here and sharing your story. I’m sorry that allowing that person to have sex with you is bothering you a lot, that you have to resort to numbing, that it hurts you emotionally and physically and that you’re feeling trapped in this situation. I can’t imagine the emotional turmoil you must be going through right now. Regardless of how many times you’ve allowed him to conduct these acts, taking advantage of you while you’re asleep and continuing even when you’ve said no is definitely not right. And please, do not blame yourself for not fighting him, this is not your fault and you are entitled to your feelings. I would strongly recommend discussing these issues with your therapist in November, but until then, I advise you to hang in there and take it one step at a time. If some days are harder than others, I encourage you to utilize our “Find Help” tab or text VOICE to 741741. We’re here to support you through all the hardships of life. You are brave, supported and loved. We’d love to hear an update from you soon. All the love.

    – Rohina

  10. pinksky92 Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for sharing this deeply vulnerable story with us. I know how hard it must have been to reveal this because there is a lot of shame that comes with that label. I really hope that you feel safe or can feel safer about your situation in the future. This is a very complicated situation to be in and probably makes you feel very conflicted since on the one hand, you need his services since you have no other way to pay him. But, on the other hand, you don’t feel good doing this. I’m so sorry that you are in this position. I’m happy that you are able to share this with us and perhaps get some helpful advice ahead of seeing your therapist. I also hope that you can somehow find a way to communicate to this person that you would prefer for this to no longer take place. I understand, however, that this could potentially put you in a dangerous position so please, please be safe. Come back anytime to update us. Sending you much strength.

  11. ZJC9753 Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, it takes a lot of courage to do so. I am very sorry for what you went through as a child and that this experience reminds you of it. You are not worthless or cheap at all and you deserve healing and safety. I know that you feel trapped in this situation and that it is your only option, it so wrong of him to take advantage of you like this. Even if you have only said no a couple of times, you are not the person who is in the wrong and this isn’t your fault. I think it will be helpful when you see a therapist in November and keep in mind there are resources that are available in the “find help” tab on this website. Please feel free to come back and talk to us whenever you want to or need to. We are here for you.

  12. haesol Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that you feel like you have to resort to this in order to pay him; you are not forced to do it, and if you don’t want to do it and you don’t enjoy it you have every right to say no and step away. I’m sorry you already went through this where you were younger, you didn’t deserve that, and it wasn’t your fault either. I want you to know you are not worthless, and you’re not trapped; you can stop if that’s what you want.
    You are in complete control of this situation, and we will support you along the way. If how things have been going is hurting you and making you feel used and ashamed then it would be better to stop and resort to another alternative. For now, as you can’t see your therapist yet, you can try to think of ways to avoid these situations, maybe not going to that guy when you need to get reparations if possible, just to lose any type of contact with him.
    You’re really brave and strong, I believe you can come out of this safely. Please feel free to update us any time you want.
    Stay safe,
    sol.

  13. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey dzereis

    Thank you for sharing your story with us and I am glad you have a safe space. I am sorry you feel trapped and I know it makes it difficult. You are an amazing person who deserves a great life. Feel free to come back at any time and there are some great resources you can use on here and know that we are here for you!

  14. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us, and I’m glad that you know that this is a safe space. I’m sorry that you feel so trapped right now. You not saying no or fighting him does not make what he did right. You don’t deserve what he did to you, and none of what happened was your fault. You are not worthless at all; you are an amazing person who deserves to live a great life! I hope the therapist can give you the help you want. Until then, we are here for you, and we support you, so feel free to come back any time. There are also some great resources that the others have listed below, and hopefully some of them are useful to you!

  15. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    I’m so very sorry that you have been put in this position by this man fixing your car. I understand how it can feel hopeless especially when finances are tight. Remember, your feelings are valid. You are important and you matter. We believe you, we support you, and we are here for you every step of the way. Have you looked through our resource section? There are a lot of organizations that may be able to help as you are in this difficult financial spot. Lots of community programs are able to offer other alternatives as well. You are not a bad person, regardless of your past or how you move forward in this particular situation. Hang in there.

    All the best,
    Becca

  16. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for coming back and being so brave with us. This is a safe space with no judgement and we are happy to have you with us. I’m so sorry that all of these horrible things happened to you. I’m also sorry to hear about the current things that you’re going through as well. We are here for you. These traumatic experiences can really make one question everything. I just hope you know that none of what happened was your fault. Childhood trauma really does have a way of affecting our everyday lives and I know you are strong and will make it past this. I hope your next therapy session goes well. November is just right around the corner. We will also be here if you need anything from us.

  17. musicislove

    Hi dzreid,

    I’m so sorry that you’re going through this right now. No matter what you need to know you’re not worthless at all, I’m sorry you feel like that. It’s unfortunately not uncommon to experience similar trauma to what you’ve experienced in the past and I’m sorry that’s what you’re enduring right now. You don’t deserve this hurt you’re going through, is there any way you can stop communication with this person? You shouldn’t have to feel trapped. We’re always here for you, please come back anytime! Sending you hope and strength.

    Delaney

  18. AlisonDKaufman

    Hello:

    You are so brave to share this with us! Thank you – and know we are always here for you, it is wonderful to know you feel this IS a safe place and zero judgment. It is not unusual for childhood trauma to transfer into our adult lives. Taking the step to share this with us is very strong and I do believe you WILL find the inner strength to escape this situation. Please remember AVFTI has amazing resources based in your area for you to find help when you are ready.

    Just because you do not say no or don’t fight him — absolutely does not make it right. He is taking advantage of you, and base upon your post you are stronger and worth the respect you are not receiving from him. We are here for you and will always support you.

  19. mjy1999 Volunteer

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. From what I understand it is common to relive childhood trauma throughout adult hood. If this individual is not seeing you for your self worth and taking advantage of the situation I recommend no longer seeing them. I hope you keep sharing your stories and remember we are here for you.

  20. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it has been helpful to express those experiences. I’m really sorry that this has been happening to you. It isn’t your fault and it isn’t right for someone to take advantage of you. Exchanging money doesn’t make it right and just because you do it once doesn’t mean he has any obligation for the future. You having nothing to be ashamed of and you certainly aren’t worthless. Things will get better and you will be able to escape this situation. You are not alone. Please let us know how else we can help. We don’t judge. Stay strong!

  21. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for trusting us with this experience. It seems like it wasn’t easy to share, but I am glad you did. It’s perfectly normal for people to repeat the trauma they’ve experienced. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you’re absolutely not worthless. You’re doing what you need to do to get things done that you need. Just because you don’t fight him off, that does not make it right. He’s abusing the power dynamic between the two of you, which is not okay. Just because you’ve exchanged sex for his work before, does not mean that he always has the right to engage in sexual activity with you.

    I know you feel trapped, but you can end this exchange if you want by not contacting this man again. But we also understand choices that are made because you feel you have no other option — we don’t condone you engaging in behavior that is harmful to you but we also support you in whatever choices you make and without judgement. You can regain the control in the situation. We are here for you!

    KatherineL

  22. Ochoa Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,
    Thank you for sharing and finding the courage to share with us. This is a safe environment for you to come a share your thoughts. You do not deserve to be treated this way. My advise would be to try and lose this guys contact. Things will get better and we are always here to help. Please come back for an update we are always here to listen.

  23. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, dzreid. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this and that you were put in that position as a child. It’s very common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to reenact the trauma as an adult. I definitely have been there and know what it feels like to be trapped in it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this hurt all over again. You have value and worth as a person and don’t deserve to be treated this way. Is there anyway you can cut contact with this person? I believe there are some resources out there for people in your position. You might be able to find some under the “Find Help” tab. Let us know if you need help. It will get better, just keep fighting and remember you have value besides sex. Doing what you have to to survive does not make you worthless. It makes you a survivor. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  24. colton95 Volunteer

    Thank you for finding the courage to share your story and seek help. I am not sure how I can help you with your situation, mostly because I am also currently struggling with financial issues and have no easy solutions for my own problems. All I can say now is that I hope that you will be able to take care of yourself and get to a point where you will no longer have to have sex with this guy and that you will be safe and strong. Feel free to share your thoughts again whenever you want to!

  25. Neesha Volunteer

    Dzreid,
    Thank you for sharing. I know I have looked at what happened to me and some of the things I have done. It has been and still is a struggle to have compassion for myself because I always did the best I could have done at that time. Even if I thought I ‘should’ have done better, I have no idea what that could have been. There is no judgment here and I hear you that you trying to set up boundaries to take care of yourself when you say you’ll pay him back and that you have said no. I see your integrity showing up for yourself. My heart goes out to you as you struggle to find the next right thing for you.

    We are always here if you ever need us to read your story, no matter the length.

  26. alexiswilliams

    Dzreid,

    I am thankful that you acknowledge AVFTI as a safe place, we are here- we support you. I am proud of you for sharing your story even if it feels vulnerable. My heart goes out to you during these difficult times, I am so sorry. I really feel for you, and wish that I could offer the perfect plan to get you out of this situation. If you still feel indebted to him, maybe you could try and save up the money that you owe him, pay him in full, and cut ties. Please protect yourself. Please be gentle with yourself. I am glad that you have found the courage to say no even if it was only twice, I am proud of you for that. You are not worthless. You are loved and you are strong.

    Sending love, hope, and healing,
    Lex

  27. MarciaD Volunteer

    Hi dzreid – I am glad that you feel like you can share on this platform without judgment. That is exactly why we are here. I can hear the sorrow in your words. I have found myself taking inventory of my past and just shake my head in wonder at how I would be in situations where I didn’t want to be and didn’t know how to get out of them. I always did though and you will too. I found support where I looked and sometimes I didn’t even have to look, the help I needed just appeared. The words you find here in the responses from all the volunteers will hold you tight until you can find the answers you are seeking. We will never judge you and will only listen and extend to you the grace you need to walk through this.

    Much love,

    MarciaD

  28. rebabyblue Volunteer

    Hello Dzreid,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry you had to go through a hard time when you were a child. In the first place, there is no reason to feel guilty or ashamed of yourself. As children, we do not think and understand things as adults do, so we are easier to be manipulated. It is good to know that you are healing yourself through therapy. Even though I do not have the experience like you do, I do understand why did you act and it is understandable. Please do not think that you less valued like others. Many people would act the same way if there would not have any option. There is always an option for every situation, even when we feel trapped. You are so strong. I hope that you will soon find a way out and this will be your past experience instead of a present.

  29. yailinrenteria Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,
    Thank you for sharing something so personal. I am sorry you won’t be able to see your therapist until November. Always remember we are not here to judge you. This is a safe place to share. I am so sorry your innocence as a child was taken away. You were not at fault. It is okay to make your post long, regardless of the length we will listen. There is no set limit as to what you want to share. It is completely up to you and how comfortable you feel sharing. It is okay to express your emotions with us we are here for you. Consent is not only an affirmative yes or no it also involves someone’s body language as well. Just because you haven’t said no or fought him off doesn’t make this okay. This is not your fault. Please do not feel worthless, you are worthy. I hope that sharing with us gives you some sort of comfort.
    Stay strong,
    Yailin

  30. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi dzreid,
    You’ve been through such painful events, and I hear you’re feeling trapped right now. It’s awful that he’s touching you without your consent. Not saying no or not fighting doesn’t make this right. This person should not only be waiting for a verbal yes or no; they should also be checking in on how you’re feeling and on your body language. Consent is also continuous; it’s not a one time thing. You’re not at fault, and you don’t deserve to be in this situation. Is there any way to pay the money in smaller installments and/or find someone else to repair your vehicles?
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. You can use as many or as little words while sharing. We’re happy to support you in any way we can, no matter how long or short your posts are. We’re not here to judge you, and you’re not worthless or useless. Please let us know if you need anything.

  31. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey dzreid,

    I’m sorry that you won’t be able to see your therapist for a while – I’m glad that you turned here to share, thank you. Please don’t apologize for the length of your posts – we will read them, no matter how long. We are here for you and your story is worth the time to read. And we will not judge – everyone lives different lives with different experiences, we are all just doing our best. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and that it’s reminding you of your childhood experiences. What happened when you said no before? Does saying no put you in danger? It sounds like you are trying to set boundaries by reminding him that you will pay him, but he’s not listening. It is not your fault and it does not make his actions right. Touching you while you are sleeping without your consent is not okay. I hope your vehicles are all up and running soon so this doesn’t keep happening. What can we do to help? Please let us know how we can support you. Keep your head up and stay strong.

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre

  32. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear dzreid,
    Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. What a horrible situation to be in! It is understandable that you feel as though you want to disappear; no one should have to be in the postition that you are in. You don’t deserve to be in this situation. He does not own you just because you may owe him money. Is there a way for you to put an end to the exchange? Were there agreed upon arrangements for what it meant to pay him? Please let us know if there is any way we can help you. There is no judgement here and we feel for your situation.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  33. Ashley Day Captain

    dzreid,

    I commend you for making the courageous decision to open up about what has been going on. You mentioned that you don’t see your therapist until November and I’m glad that you know this is a safe place to receive support in the meantime. Since you received money as a child in return for performing sexual acts, it’s understandable that each encounter with this individual reminds you of your childhood.
    It seems like you are trying to set boundaries by telling him that you owe him money, but it sounds like he would prefer to spend time with you instead; it makes sense that you feel trapped right now. I’m surprised that he hasn’t noticed your tears, but I’m thinking you try to hide them.
    “Consent is a whole body experience. It is not just a verbal “yes” or “no” – it involves paying attention to your partner as a person and checking in with physical and emotional cues as well” (https://www.yesmeansyes.com/consent/). I wanted to share that with you because not saying “no” and not fighting him doesn’t make the situation okay. The least he can do is pay attention to your emotional and physical cues.

    You don’t deserve to be placed in situations that you hate.

    Ashley

  34. jlanderos16 Volunteer

    Hey Dzerid,
    Thank you for coming back and sharing with us again! This place is judgement free and just want to be here for victims and help them find resources. You don’t have to apologize about anything, we want victims to speak out and knowing that we are here to help you! But just know this was not your fault, nothing was your fault! But I’m sorry you had to experience this, but thank you for sharing with us. Please take care.

  35. almax Volunteer

    Hi Dzreid,
    Thank you for coming to us to share, we want you to know that this place is judgement free, and you do not have to apologize for anything. You do not have to keep your story short for our sake, if writing more will make you feel better then go for it, we are here to listen to every bit of it. This is not at all your fault, you are not to blame for this man taking advantage of you, you should be respected, and I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I’m sorry this brings back bad childhood memories too, but you are not worthless and should not feel used and cheap, this does not define you in any way. If you want to seek further help please take a look at our help tab above.

  36. Elvia29 Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,
    I am happy you feel safe to share with us. I am sorry this happen to you and he had no right to do this to you. This was not your fault. Don’t blame yourself, you are a victim. I’m sorry this brings back old memories. Remember we are here for you to support you in any way we can. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
    Stay strong,
    Elvia

  37. cindy024 Volunteer

    Hi, Dzreid,
    First of all, thank you for sharing with us! there’s not right for him to do that. You are not worthless, you are a strong individual! and brave also! We are all here to help and support you! please check out our resources for more help and support if you may need it! Bringing past memories traumatizes you but you can get the adequate support that you need. We are always here!!

  38. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry that you can do this. What I can say is that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and just because you exchange sex for things does not mean anyone has a right to harm you. You are free to say whatever you would like here-we are here for you.

    Erin

  39. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    I think that every one of us has something we don’t want others to know about us, things we may do to avoid the past or numb the pain, or things we have let get to a point of being overwhelming and embarrassing. Things we just can’t stop, or can’t manage to improve. Maybe when we reach that place we strive for in healing, these things will not have the hold on us that they do now. I don’t know. I think there is a connection to what happened to you then, and what is happening to you now, beyond it reminding you of the abuse. I don’t see this as your fault. I see it more as a coping mechanism that you have developed. It is possible that the repairs are only part of what keeps you going back. We are often driven to follow certain patterns. Re-creating the abuse is something that maybe jumps at me in this. Why we are drawn to people that use us/hurt us; why we may re-enact something so horrible is probably really complicated, for one person it may be that they were helpless back then, and they want to be more in a position of power; for another it might be that they feel they deserve to be treated badly. There are probably as many reasons for it as there are people. The thing is, it isn’t uncommon. But I’m no expert, just throwing it out there.

    There is nothing wrong with a friend helping out another friend and not taking anything in return. Yes, some of us may tend to be on the receiving end more than on the giving end, and many of us feel unstable when we feel we “owe” someone for help they have given us, for being beholden. Demanding sexual favors for help given is not the act of a friend. Somehow he has recognized a vulnerable spot that you have and is taking advantage of that. I am sorry that people can be so untrustworthy.

  40. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,
    This is a judgment free zone and we appreciate you sharing with us! I’m hearing you’re in a painful place right now and that’s completely understandable, it sounds like you’ve been going through so much. You’re incredibly strong for preserving through all this as long as you have, I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be. It must be difficult not to see your therapist for so long, and you deserve to have some peace. Would you be willing to take some time to practice self care? Remember we are always here and if you feel like to need to speak to someone about what’s been going on, text VOICE to 741-741 to speak to a trained counselor.

    Best wishes,
    Rachel

  41. Starling Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. I’m sorry that this is bringing up negative childhood memories as well. The situation you are in at the moment will not last forever. You are not worthless. Regardless of your situation, you are a human being who should be valued and respected. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  42. zelda Volunteer

    Hi, Reid, your story is safe with us. Thank you for sharing it, and thank you for entrusting us with it.

    You have been through a lot of pain, hurt and sorrow. I’m sorry you are going through more sorrow now. Let us know if we can do anything to help you. What you are going through now, there are people here who truly understand the place you are in. You do not have to fight this battle alone.

    We’re here for you.

  43. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi dzreid,
    I’m so sorry that he is doing this to you. You are not worthless. Don’t feel ashamed. The guy should feel ashamed for asking you to do these things with you. Like Rustin said you are a person and you need to be valued like one. If you feel comfortable tell the guy that you don’t want to see him again or try to say no. This is not your fault and what this guy is doing to you is not okay. I’m sorry it is also bringing up old memories.
    Thank you for updating us. If you need anything we are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  44. Rustin Day Captain

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for sharing your story. Life can at times put us in difficult situations with no way out. I have met many individuals who have to use themselves as forms of payment and it can bring back so many memories that they are not fond of. Just remember that we as humans do what it takes to survive. You are surviving, and it will not be like this forever. You are a person and should be valued as such. Don’t let this experience make you believe that you do not deserve better, because you deserve great things and are worth an incredible amount. Stay strong, and stay safe. Keep us updated. We are here to listen when you need us.

    -Rustin