I have pondered for a while now about sharing this. I know this is a safe place & no one will judge me. This is why I’m sharing. I’m not able to see my therapist until Nov.
I used to say I was thankful that I never had to resort to prostitution at any time in exchange for money. Then I was reminded recently in a way, I was a prostitute. As a child when someone offers money for a job completed, that money means a lot. When someone pays a child to have sex with them, it’s still money but comes with a price. Money is still money, but when obtained by preforming sexual acts, it doesn’t seem all that important. I was forced to do unspeakable sex acts. The more I preformed, the more the money I got. I felt extra special because I got more money than my siblings.
I am trying to make this short. I’m sorry if it comes out long. I have been allowing someone to have sex with me in exchange to pay him for work he does & has done on my vehicles. It bothers me each time. I deal with the sex by numbing. It hurts emotionally & physically. I am reminded of my childhood each time, so I hide the tears & cry silently. I keep telling him I owe him money for the auto repairs. He just says I just need to come spend some time with him. I stayed a couple weeks ago. I woke to him climbing in the bed & straddling me. I said it was easier on me if we went to the bathroom. I stand at the sink while he enters me. I went last week to spend a couple days with him. That night, I woke to him fondling my breast. I opened my eyes to him lifting my shirt to suck on my boob. I followed him to the bathroom where I allowed him to put his penis inside me yet again. It hurt so much. I cried more silent tears. He asks me if it feels good. I lie & say yes in hopes he’ll finish sooner. The truth is I hate it! I feel so ashamed. worthless, used, & cheap. I feel trapped. In my opinion, I have paid the price. I don’t get any enjoyment out of it. I guess old habits die hard. I really am preforming acts as a prostitute! I have only said no maybe 2 times. So, because I don’t say no or don’t fight him, does it make it right? I have no other way to pay him. I just want to curl in a hole & disappear! I am serious. I really do want to disappear, but I can’t!