The predator in the family

The predator in the family

56 25

Almost three years ago I met my partner although we weren’t yet exclusive,I was very quickly introduced to his friends.One of them being quite a few years older than the rest of us. We were all 18 and he was 24. I thought it to be alittle bit strange from the beginning that a grown man was friends with a group of teenage boys. For acouple of months our whole friend group would go to this older mans apartment,as we thought it was cool as he would allow us to throw parties at his place. It was never mentioned that he was in a relationship but we later found out his girlfriend was three months pregnant with his child. He hid all photo evidence of his relationship in his apartment and would constantly allow underage girls to attend our parties. In one situation a 15 year old girl at the party explained she had hooked up with one of the guys,as these were my guy friends I asked which one? She explained it was the oldest guy,meaning the 24 year old with a child on the way. I brought this up to the guy I was dating as he shrugged this off at the time ,explaining that the 24 year olds girlfriend was infact my now boyfriends older sister. I was confused as to why we didn’t find out about this until a few months in that the older man was dating the guy I was datings sister? Why was it such a huge secret? Fast forward and I began officially dating my partner and it was time to meet his family. I met his sister accompanied with the 24 year old we had previously been partying with months earlier. He played it off as if it was the first time meeting me,as his child was now born and he was playing the role of doting father. For majority of my relationship with my boyfriend ,his sisters boyfriend grew more and more inapropriate towards me. There was certain occurrences that I started to pick up on and track,as his behaviour was becoming concerning and borderline inapropriate. There was a time I was in the shower and I heard my boyfriend on the other side of the door telling the 24 year old that I was showering and not to go in there. Acouple seconds later I heard my boyfriend in the kitchen talking loudly with his mom as I heard the door handle turning, I asked who’s there? And in response I hear the 24 year old on the receiving end of the door and then my boyfriend asking him why he was trying to go in the bathroom after he had told him I was showering. It became an issue for me when I was in the bathroom looking in the mirror and the 24 year old entered the room looking for something and very slowly rubbed his erect penis against my body,I jumped and attempted to exit the room. But he had grabbed hold of the door and closed it slowly,I calmly told him to let me out and he obliged. At that point I told my boyfriend what he had done,and he explained it away as “I was drunk” to my boyfriend. All of this went on without any bodies knowledge until he went too far. October 2017 was the day he sexually assaulted me. He invited us over to his new home as a house warming get together,my boyfriends sister was at their parents house for the night with her one year old baby and she knew we were going to her house to hangout with her boyfriend (no longer 24 years old but now 26). After the night was over we called for a taxi,my boyfriend and his brother in law were talking in the kitchen. I admittedly was intoxicated as I was drinking wine,I became really tired and dozed off on the sofa. Whilst my eyes were closed I felt fingertips running up my legs,I thought that because I was intoxicated that it wasn’t really happening or that it was my bf. The fingertips stopped at my privates,and ran along my privates multiple times until I felt a rubbing sensation directly on my privates and a forceful finger pushing against the outside of my leggings. I opened my eyes to see my boyfriends brother in law to be the only one of the couch next to me. I crawled off the sofa onto the floor to move away from him,as I couldn’t rationalize what had just happened. I felt him crawling behind me following me on the floor around the sofa,I was beginning to feel startled at this point and couldn’t think what to do,I initially froze and “played dead” on the floor I rolled over towards the couch closed my eyes tightly and wished him away. He rapidly tugged at my clothes,pulling at my leggings until my underwear and leggings were down 6 inches,exposing my naked bottom. My boyfriend entered the room cussing as I broke from my catatonic state,as a altercation broke out between the two of them. Older brother in law threw my boyfriend to the ground and was on top of him ready to thrust down his fist with a huge blow. I did the only thing I thought to do and that was to protect my boyfriend,scared and filled with panic I jumped on my attackers back choking him down to the floor. Within seconds I was out the door and down the dark country road,he had jumped in his car looking for me so slumped into a water filled ditch in a effort to hide from him. My boyfriend was the DD for the night and he later explained that when he got in his car to leave his brother in law repeatedly punched him in the face and kicked off his side mirror on his vehicle. I made it to my house after flagging down a taxi,my boyfriend came to my home and held me all night while I sobered up to relive the night in my mind in utter confusion and shock. This calculated predator returned to his girlfriend and proposed to her hours following the attack. He had my boyfriends whole family in the palm of his hand with his web of lies. He made up a story about how my father came to his home in the middle of the night and threatened to murder him,my father attacked him and he played the victim. This story is completely fabricated. My father doesn’t know who he is,and my father doesn’t know what he did to me. My boyfriend and I stayed quiet for a while while we figured out the best time to tell his parents. When we explained what happened,they cried but later allowed their daughter to marry him. My boyfriend is no longer in touch with him or close with him,he also keeps a lot of distance from his family out of disgust of them covering it up. They never told their daughter what he did,and we live with the truth everyday. We both hate his brother in law,but his family require us to be civil.




Join the Conversation

25 comments

  1. Gone girl

    So recap,I was touched/groped and exposed by partners brother in law. He spread lies to turn me into the bad guy,his girlfriend believed him. I attempted to clear my name to my partners parents by telling them, the truth. They cried/cussed and threatened to cancel the wedding,the next day they acted as if nothing happened and never told their daughter. Partners sister now Hates me as she believes her partner and assumes the worst about me,that I’m trying to force my boyfriend not to be best friends with her partner anymore. Far from the truth,I’m the bad guy,I’m the outsider. They’re weird and awkward around me and I don’t know if they will ever know the truth. They got married and now have a second baby on the way and I sit here itching that nobody knows the truth about this monster.

  2. Gone girl

    Side note: when my partners dad was telling me he doesn’t want me talking about it again,he assured me he had spoken to his son in law and told him they knew what he had done. But to be honest I don’t believe they did speak to him about what he had done. I hold a small grudge against my partners parents deep down but I attempt to be civil. But overall I don’t want much association with any of his family anymore,I only really visit at major events. The attacker tries to talk to us at family events and acts as if nothing happened. It makes me extremely angry.

  3. Gone girl

    I can’t express the upmost gratitude I’m feeling towards everyone who has taken the time to share such kind words. At one point after we told my partners parents,we surprised my partners family on Father’s Day at their privately owned cabins. But I entered the home to a room full of blank stares,my partners mother and my attackers mother disappeared for a private conversation and I assumed it was about my “unwelcome?” Arrival. I had entered this cabin unknowingly to my surprise full of my attackers family. Unsure whether they knew what he had done I remained polite and cautious,but after entering I noticed an awkward atmosphere,nobody addressed me/welcomed me or even looked at me. This was also after my partners mother and I had had a argument as she had denied my allegations. I remember feeling very trapped at this remote cabin and very much close to bursting into tears,I felt like everyone was against me and I was suddenly feeling the full brunt of my attackers lies spread throughout the connected families. I suddenly felt the overwhelming feeling of unwelcome vibes,my partners father pulled me aside (as our last interactions was with tear shed and raised voices). He explained he didn’t want me talking about it again and he doesn’t appreciate me getting upset with his wife. (Although she was saying she doesn’t believe he would do that to me). Fast forward til now and I’m trying to forgive her for being insensitive and denying my very serious situation. I’m trying to be hopeful that one day they will see the truth and acknowledge he is bad news. But for now I will continue with grace and strength and know that I know my truth.

  4. Gone girl

    After we had explained to his parents what had happened and they decided to keep it from their daughter I was forced into awkward interactions and the family noticed the distance between my partner and I,and his sister and her husband. There was tension and distance,people started to notice but nobody addressed it. He had told his girlfriend (boyfriends sister) something along the lines of (I don’t know for sure) that I am upset and scared because he kicked my boyfriends side mirror off. So she doesn’t know the full truth,which leads her to believe I’m overreacting or I just hate her partner and she very much holds bitter/unfriendly vibes towards me as she doesn’t know the real reason we don’t want to be around him. For a while she tried forcing my boyfriend to be her partners friend still,but my boyfriend refused. It caused a lot of stress and headaches as his family wouldn’t let up,and continued for probably a year to get their friendship back. But the brother in law didn’t attempt or force as he knew the real reason we didn’t want him around and I guess he didn’t try incase the truth slipped out. For a while my partners family believed that my father attacked him,because of the stories he made up. They now know he lied about that,but don’t question him further why he would lie about something so serious?

  5. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey there,

    I’m sorry to hear this happened to you, drinking or not it did not give him the right to do those things to you at all. He is a monster and you didn’t deserve that all or did anything wrong. Thank you for sharing your story with us it means a lot. Know that we stand behind you every step of the way and will always be here if you choose to ever come back and talk. Stay strong and keep on fighting you’ve got this!

    -Brianna

  6. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Gone girl,
    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It doesn’t matter if you were drinking or not, it was wrong of him to assault you like that. He sounds like a complete monster for faking such a normal life with a serious relationship but at the same time having young girls come to his parties and mess around with them. You’re very strong for going through this and being willing to share with us what happened. I’m glad that your boyfriend is supportive of you and I hope that you can talk to him about however you’re feeling, but I’m sorry that his family hasn’t been there for you as well.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  7. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Gone Girl,

    I am so sorry that you had to experience those things. It made my stomach drop reading through your story. You are so incredibly strong and brave. What happened to you was never your fault, and I’m sorry that your partner’s family has been unsupportive. I think it’s a good thing that you’ve decided to distance yourself from your attacker. Remember, you are important and it’s your job to take care of yourself first. You are under no obligation to be civil to your attacker family or not. Please feel free to post anytime you need support. We’re here for you.

    All the best,
    Becca

  8. Graciegrace22 Volunteer

    Hello, thank you for sharing that with us. You are super strong for being able to talk about this at it is not an easy thing to cope with. Your boyfriends parents have unreasonable expectations of you. Just know that is not how the world would view this and we most definitely believe. I hope that you are able to find some peace in what has happened to you.

  9. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi Gone Girl,
    I’m so sorry for what happened to you you didn’t deserve any of that. I’m so sorry that he is still somewhat in your life and your forced to be civil with him that’s so unfair to you. Its not right that your boyfriends parents have asked you not to say anything to the sister and keep it a secret. Have you spoken to anyone like a therapist? Talking through what happened can help and make you feel better. Thank you for sharing your story you are so strong! If you need anything please let us know!
    Kailey

  10. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Hi Gone Girl,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. We believe you and are here to listen to you and support you. This guy sounds like terrible, and it seems like he’s been preying on women for a long time. I’m so sorry that you had to go through what he put you through. Those kinds of things, friends who are older or who are doing creepy things – they are so hard to see at the time – we naturally want to come up with explanations for them, and expect the best in people. Then in hindsight they seem like huge red flags that we missed. This happens all the time, and is only natural, so don’t beat yourself up over it. People like that are also master manipulators. They always have excuses and can always explain away their behavior. I’m so sorry that nothing was done when his behavior started to become inappropriate and it had to escalate the way that it did. I am also so sorry that you have to see him/be around him because of the family situation. That frankly baffles me. I can’t speak for your boyfriend’s sister of course, but if I were her, I would want to know that my husband, the father of my child, was a predator. I wouldn’t want my child around him. I would want to know he was unfaithful, and a predatory monster. I am glad that your boyfriend is supportive, and has distanced himself, but I also want to tell you that you should not feel that you in any way have to be “civil” to him. You owe him nothing. He was never civil with you. I’m not saying that you should create a giant rift in your family, but I don’t think that you should have to be in a situation where you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, for the sake of politeness. Your well being is more important. Do not be afraid to put your needs first. Please feel free to come back and update us, we are here for you.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  11. Gone girl

    Thankyou so much guys! All your comments are extremely encouraging

  12. colton95 Volunteer

    What happened to you is horrible and no one should have to go through all that. I really hope that one day you will no longer have to see that brother in law and that he will receive proper justice for his awful actions. I hope that you and your boyfriend will be okay and that you will stay strong and persevere!

  13. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. You didn’t deserve for any of that to happen to you. I’m sorry you still have some contact with him and that the family you told didn’t believe you. Sometimes, instead of facing hard truths, people ignore them. I read your comments below, as well, and I agree with you – I’m glad your boyfriend was there to help you. Your boyfriend sounds incredibly supportive and I’m glad to hear you have that from him, even if not from his family.

    You are incredibly brave for sharing your story with us and with your family. Thank you for trusting us with your story. If you need anything else we could help with, please let us know. We are always here and believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  14. Gone girl

    I love my boyfriend but I definitely have a lot of bitter feelings now and then towards his parents,as my partners mom quizzed me one night in a victim blaming manner which ended in tears as she was explaining she doesn’t believe he would do that to me and that he’s “not like that”. Which is confusing because her own son clarified my story to be true,so I don’t understand why she would not believe me. The problem with the brother in law is he has always had them in the palm of his hands since day one,his father also employs all of my boyfriends family so there is a power balance also. They fear they will lose their jobs over my allegations and that’s another reason they have stayed quiet.

  15. Gone girl

    I forgot to mention throughout writing my story that my boyfriend was best friends with him. They would hangout about four times a week and go on long drives and talk,they were also hanging out years before I met my boyfriend. As they became close through his relationship with his older sister,so soon as older guy started dating my boyfriends sister they hit if off and became close. Infact a lot of the time older guy would ditch his girlfriend for her younger brother a lot of the time. So after the attack,aswell as being shocked he did that to me my boyfriend also had to pay for the damages on his vehicle inflicted by his brother in law which was also the last straw as it wasn’t the first time his brother in law has broken something purposefully on his vehicle. One night he had a outburst just before his baby was due,drunkenly punching my boyfriend windshield shattering it all. I think one of the scarier parts of my story is this guy is a lot bigger than me,in weight and size. This guy is huge so the fact my boyfriend flew off the handle and flew at his brother in law when he saw him touch me is a honourable moment and I’m grateful my boyfriend was there to stop it.

  16. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, Gone girl. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I think you’re very brave for speaking up and I’m glad you have your boyfriend on your side. None of this was your fault and I’m sorry the family is trying to put blame on you. It’s hard for people to face the truth especially when it comes to family, and I think it’s amazing that you and your boyfriend were able to confront them and distance yourselves. It’s so important to surround yourself with people who support you. We’re here for you and we believe you 100%.

  17. Gone girl

    I really appreciate all the support from anyone who’s reached out,it really feels great for people to hear my story and understand what I go through and live with. Infact after the attack and once we told my partners parents what really happened,and clarified their son in law was lieing they asked him to speak to us and apologize. He got us both in a room alone out of ear shot and he didn’t even apologize,the conversation ended with a comment that came across as a threat. His father is the boss to all the men in my partners family. He left us with a closing comment to my boyfriend “watch your back,I’ll be your boss one day”,this comment came from him out of frustration as neither of us want anything to do with him anymore. My boyfriend no longer wishes to be his best friend and hasn’t been ever since. It has infact created some conflict and tension and now I get the sense my boyfriends sister hates/resents me for my partner and her husbands friendship ending,as she doesn’t know the real reason the friendship ended. She’s less friendlier and doesn’t seem to like me anymore even though I’m innocent in this situation and the only reason she doesn’t know that is because I refuse to play the victim to her and ruin her life for my own peace at mind.

  18. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Gone girl,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry that older guy acted so inappropriately towards you. He had no right to your body, and I hope you don’t feel any shame in drinking a bit (or even a lot! it’s still your body!!!) of wine and falling asleep on the couch. That doesn’t give him permission to touch you at all. It must be really tough to deal with him walking around your boyfriend’s family’s house, and I imagine it’s even worse that his parents want to keep it a secret. That’s not healthy for you or your boyfriend’s sister! Or anyone else, really. I hope his parents realize that before it’s too late for someone else. Definitely keep in mind that it is NOT your responsibility to keep him from hurting anyone else. It’s his, and it’s sick that he doesn’t realize how wrong his actions are. I’m glad that you have your boyfriend supporting you, though. That’s really important!

    I wish you the best of luck. If you ever need to talk about anything else, please don’t hesitate to reach out again. We are here for you and we support you 100%! Stay strong!

    Marissa

  19. Gone girl

    I see how now and then and family events as I’m still very much invested in my boyfriend. It’s a struggle for me every time I’m forced to be in a room with him. It kind of eats away at me sometimes that he walks around my boyfriends family home like he owns the place. My partners parents have moved on from it and told me not to speak of it anymore as they don’t want it being overheard by their daughter. Thankyou Erin

  20. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. Are you safe from this person now? Is your boyfriend still being supportive? I hope so-let us know how else we can help you. We are here for you.

    Erin

  21. Gone girl

    @solongago i struggle with severe anxiety and started struggling with agoraphobia and not wanting to go out anymore or leave my home,since 2017 I’ve been unable to work and find a light at the end of the tunnel. I become hyper aware in situations and suspicious of people and their intentions. I don’t trust anyone outside of my family now,I stay home quite often and I also worry for the wellbeing of other women. I’m scared he will go onto rape,he has a daughter on the way now and I fear that maybe not now but in 20 years he might assault his daughters friends that his baby girl might grow up to have. I fear for other people,I think this guy is a danger. I worry that my bf’s parents not addressing this correctly will create a monster who reoffends. They’ve taught him he can get away with this. It’s also something I will never forget,it’s such a minor incident and I’m one of the lucky ones who got away,and it was intervened but it’s definitely something that haunts me.

    1. Solongago

      It does sound like counseling could be helpful for you. It is certainly worth a try and they will not force you to do anything like confront him, or leave your BF, etc. It can help you connect the dots so to speak, though you may be able to do some of that on your own. It sounds like you are very aware of who you are. But you are minimizing the situation and believing that you aren’t worthy enough to seek assistance. There is nothing weak about working on this stuff with someone who is experienced. It is actually hard and it takes endurance to go through it. This happened to you when you were an adult, which can mean that you don’t have to worry about letting it effect any children you may have, as abuse is often multi-generational, and that is a good reason to go through the process of working through it. On the other hand, if you are having more than usual fears, and not wanting to go out, than without dealing with what happened, formally, the argument can be made that your children (if you have any) will be impacted by what happened to you.

      If you knew that by switching from soda to water, in ten years’ time, your skin and other organs would be much healthier and it would make you look and feel 5 years younger than you are right now, would you do it? Dealing with sexual assault/sexual abuse is something that can effect the rest of your life. It can improve your self-esteem and self confidence, which can help you land better jobs, start projects you wouldn’t have otherwise, take charge in social events or say “no” if that is your problem. I think what I have done is to compound my abuse by the years of guilt and shame about it, and the guilt and shame of not doing more, and achieving more. For each of us it is different.

      But you are worthy of getting help and healing from this incident. And that can make you safer and stronger than you currently are.

  22. Solongago

    Counseling might be helpful. Of course what happened to you was severe enough. He violated you. You had to hide in a ditch. You were terrified. Maybe you can manage the situation without counseling. I mean, a lot of what counseling does for folks is to work on the secondary effects. Cognitive distortions that our brains make to make dealing with impossible situations possible. Until they are not longer necessary, but we are still doing stuff like that. It’s when we deny what happened, or blame ourselves, or beat ourselves up for not getting over it, and when we have shame and it is coming out in other parts of our life, like panic attacks or phobias, stuff like that. Or when we avoid good stuff, because we are afraid that bad stuff will happen. Like you won’t go to other friends’ homes because of what this guy did.

    The problem is we often do not connect how a situation like this has affected other parts of our life until we are quite a bit down the road from it. Everyone manage stuff differently, and some folks find counseling absolutely necessary, while other folks have a good network of supportive friends, or a strong spiritual life and do fine without counseling. Totally up to you, and there is no amount of time where you should start by. I mean, that if you didn’t start counseling within a year, you shouldn’t ever — that just isn’t true.

    What you might need a counselor for, is the sticky family relationship that is being caused by this. Stuff like this does have a habit of coming out. My guess is this guy is a serial offender. You are probably not his first victim, and will probably not be the last. And your sister-in-law with her baby right now, might be overlooking evidence she doesn’t want to face on purpose, and down the line when she has to give the guy the heave ho, she’s probably going to have problems with everyone in the family. And if she continues to deny everything, so as to keep the husband/father to her kid, than dealing with her on a regular basis is probably going to be rough.

    I am sorry that you have this going on. I think his parents are well-intentioned, but wrong not to tell her. It may be that because she has a baby, they want the baby to have his father. The baby is probably better off without a father like that, and all the problems that are going to happen. The thing is, unless your bfs sister is your best buddy, it probably is best to let your BF and his parents do what they think best about telling her. Babies before weddings are a bit of a complication. Have you talked to your own family about the situation?

  23. Gone girl

    @juliana331 Thankyou! I appreciate the concern,I’ve been on the fence about counselling as I don’t know if my experience is severe enough for councelling. I’ve had some people say they wonder why I’m still dating my boyfriend,but at the end of the day he’s been the only one there for me and it isn’t his fault his brother in law is a predator. He also left it up to his parents to speak to his sister but they didn’t. So it’s also not his fault she doesn’t know,it just weighs on me when my boyfriends family talk so highly of his brother in law as they don’t know what he’s actually like.

  24. Juliana331 Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you and that your boyfriend’s family has chosen to hide what happened. I am glad that your boyfriend is there to believe and support you. Have you considered seeing a counselor to work through what happened to you? Let us know if we can help.