I guess another update may be due.
Some things have changed, some of stayed the same.
I had another flashback, something i hadnt remembered before, right in front of my boyfriend and it was very embaressing. I was in a bit of a fugue state when i came to, I didnt know where i was or who i was or who he was. He handled it alright tho, and i processed the memory pretty well despite how scary it was. but it turned out alright.
The biggest difference is my therapist has left the clinic i get for free from a grant and gone to a private practice. Theyre hiring someone new who ive heard is fresh out of college and it makes me very nervous. Not only am i starting all over with someone new, but im also incredibly nervous about her expierence with DID as many therapists dispute its entire existence and i dont know what i would do if she were one of them and i couldnt get proper care at the only clinic i can afford. i just dont know what i will do.
ive spent a lot of time dealing with my DID on my own terms between therapists and before my diagnosis but its so easy to fall back into the habit of denial and “its prooooobably not REAL so if i just PRETEND im ok surely it will alllll go back to normal” but of course that never happens. i dont know.
im nervous and anxious, but trying to remain hopeful.