I guess another update may be due. 

Some things have changed, some of stayed the same. 

I had another flashback, something i hadnt remembered before, right in front of my boyfriend and it was very embaressing. I was in a bit of a fugue state when i came to, I didnt know where i was or who i was or who he was. He handled it alright tho, and i processed the memory pretty well despite how scary it was. but it turned out alright. 

The biggest difference is my therapist has left the clinic i get for free from a grant and gone to a private practice. Theyre hiring someone new who ive heard is fresh out of college and it makes me very nervous. Not only am i starting all over with someone new, but im also incredibly nervous about her expierence with DID as many therapists dispute its entire existence and i dont know what i would do if she were one of them and i couldnt get proper care at the only clinic i can afford. i just dont know what i will do. 

ive spent a lot of time dealing with my DID on my own terms between therapists and before my diagnosis but its so easy to fall back into the habit of denial and “its prooooobably not REAL so if i just PRETEND im ok surely it will alllll go back to normal” but of course that never happens. i dont know. 

im nervous and anxious, but trying to remain hopeful. 


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23 comments

  1. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,

    I am so sorry to hear about this, feeling like you have to start over completely with a new therapist can be quite dreadful. We get so comfortable with the therapist we are currently with that we feel like we can just pick up where we left off, then if you mesh well with your therapist that is a huge plus.
    Is there anyway that you would be able to find out what focus this new therapist has? I don’t know how this works necessarily, but with DID being very specific, do you think that they would give you a therapist that didn’t at least find DID valid? I can’t imagine them assigning you a new therapist that in the end, wouldn’t be able to help you if they don’t believe that DID is even real. I’m so sorry, I hope it all works out and you find out soon.
    – Jordan

  2. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,

    I am so sorry to hear about this, feeling like you have to start over completely with a new therapist can be quite dreadful. We get so comfortable with the therapist we are currently with that we feel like we can just pick up where we left off, then if you mesh well with your therapist that is a huge plus.
    Is there anyway that you would be able to find out what focus this new therapist has? I don’t know how this works necessarily, but with DID being very specific, do you think that they would give you a therapist that didn’t at least find DID valid? I can’t imagine them assigning you a new therapist that in the end, wouldn’t be able to help you if they don’t believe that DID is even real. I’m so sorry, I hope it all works out and you find out soon.
    Sending you hugs!♡

    – Jordan

  3. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for checking back in with an update. We appreciate hearing from you! I’m sorry to hear that you were working through another flashback, but it’s really nice to hear that your boyfriend handled it well and helped you out after. It makes sense that starting with someone new would make you nervous, it’s hard when you have a history with someone and then you need to start working with a new therapist or doctor. I’m sure this new person is extremely qualified and will be able to help you out.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  4. musicislove

    Hi soundscape,

    I’m sorry you had another flashback but I am glad that your boyfriend was there to comfort you. It’s understandable to feel embarrassed but try not to worry about it, flashbacks are rough but inevitable sometimes, and it sounds like your boyfriend was understanding. I’m glad you processed everything alright flashback’s can be really scary, try to be gentle with yourself as you’re recovering from it.

    I’m also really sorry to hear that your therapist went into private practice, starting over new with someone you don’t know can be stressful and nerve wracking. Hopefully the new person will work with you and not be dismissive of what you’re working through, you shouldn’t have to deal with that. I’m wishing you luck, come back to share anytime, we’re always here for you.

    Delaney

  5. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m sorry that this memory came back into your head. Don’t be too worried about a new therapist. I know that it is hard when you have to switch therapists because you have to explain everything over again. Don’t worry though, if you therapist is good, they will take things at your pace. Thank you for updating us. We are always here for you.
    -Alyssa

  6. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi again soundscape,

    I’m sorry to hear about your flashback. I know firsthand how scary they can be, and I’m glad that you were in a safe space while experiencing it. My therapist has suggested finding sensory-stimulating things in your space to help ground you during and after a flashback–perhaps feeling a blanket nearby or looking for all the blue things in the room, etc.

    The situation with your therapist also sounds stressful. I think that it’s worth it to try out the new therapist and see if you vibe with them. If you don’t, we certainly can help you find someone within your financial limits! Your experiences with your trauma are valid, and it’s important to remember that through this adjustment. We hear you, believe you, and support you. If you ever need to talk, you can always come here!

  7. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello Soundscape,

    I can only imagine how unsettling it must have been to have a flashback lead to a fugue state. It sounds like your boyfriend was able to provide you with comfort and I’m glad he was there for you.
    Having to meet with a new therapist can be scary and it’s not abnormal that you’re concerned about starting from the beginning. Your concern about what she believes about DID (I know this is a controversial topic in the field of psychology) is valid too. Despite what she believes, it’s her responsibility to remain professional by focusing on your feelings and thoughts.

    I hope that you can continue to get the proper care you deserve.

    Ashley

  8. Jess Volunteer

    Thank you for updating us. I’m so sorry to hear that you experienced that. Flashbacks are scary, but I’m glad that your boyfriend was there for you and able to support you through that.

    It stinks that your therapist left. It’s completely normal to feel nervous about a new therapist. Establishing that trust is hard, at first. Like others have said, it may be helpful to contact the clinic and try to find out what diagnoses she has experience in, so you can alleviate some of your fear and begin establishing your treatment on your terms.

    I hope everything goes well with the new therapist. If you need anything else at all, we are always here. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  9. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m really sorry you had another flashback – what you experienced sounds terrifying. I’m glad that you processed the memory well and that your boyfriend was able to support you.
    It’s understandable that you’re nervous about starting over with another therapist. Is there any way you could find out about her experience with DID? There may be someone you can ask about her experience – maybe someone at the clinic? It could help you alleviate your fears.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here for you whenever you need to talk. Hanging onto hope can help us through difficult situations, so keep holding onto it. I’m confident that you can get through this.

  10. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,
    Thank you for the update. What a scary situation to be in! It is wonderful that your boyfriend was able to be there for you through it. It is understandable that you are worried about having a new therapist. Healing is difficult work even when you know and trust the person helping you. Are there any strategies or activities you use to help calm yourself when you are anxious that may work for you now?
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  11. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thanks for the update. I’m glad the flashback incident turned out ok and that your boyfriend handled it well. It’s always so helpful to have someone that is willing to work with you through times like that.

    I’m sorry your current therapist is leaving your clinic. That’s really tough to deal with, and it’s frustrating that you’re not sure if your new therapist will have the same experience/views as your current one. Have you looked into other grants that would allow you to go to someone with the experience you need? I’m not sure if that’s even an option but it might be something to consider. I think the fact that you’re aware of how easy it is to fall back into the habit of denial is crucial in preventing that from happening. I think it’s definitely something to keep in mind if you catch yourself doing it. Of course, that’s easier said than done. If there’s anything we can do to help you, please let us know. We’re here for you – always!

    Marissa

  12. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I think you have very reasonable concerns and that you have grasped your own understanding of your experience. I can see why you would be so nervous and anxious about getting a new therapist. I would suggest that you give them a chance as the idea of DID has been more accepted as mental illness stigmas are lifting with the help of younger generations. If anything, the person could also refer you to someone who he/she thinks would be best for you. You will feel safe and confident with your therapist, but there is some patience in finding such. With your past therapist, I’m sure you could also ask them for a recommendation as they might know of someone as well.

    Stay strong <3

  13. Kayla Volunteer

    Soundscape,

    I would try to meet your new therapist with an open mind, perhaps they could be a great fit and help you a lot. It’s hard transition to a new therapist, it’s like starting over with building trust and getting to know each other. I hope it goes well. Sending you love.

  14. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry that you have been having a hard time, but it sounds like your boyfriend was supportive and tried to help which is good to hear. Thingss will get better, and we are here for you on your good days and your bad days. Stay strong.

    Carmen

  15. dzreid Volunteer

    Soundscape,
    I know how frustrating it can be when beginning with a new therapist, much less one experienced in DID. The issue of DID is very real! Sadly, because it causes discomfort to so many, there aren’t too many therapists that know how to work with someone with DID. Most therapists would have the individual seek a psychiatrist which often winds up to be misdiagnosed as something other than DID & offer medication. I understand first hand how challenging this can be! You can always ask this new therapist how much experience she has with working with those having DID. It takes time to heal from any trauma, but adding DID becomes more complicated. It’s also a trust factor with you but now it’s a trust building with your alters. To heal takes patience & time on both the individual & therapist. I know & understand where you’re coming from. I’ve walked down this road. You’re not alone! Please reach out to me personally if you ever want to talk more. I’m not a therapist, but do know what it’s like. wishing the best to you!
    Dawn

  16. Shannon Volunteer

    Hey Soundscape,

    Thank you for the update. I am so sorry that you are struggling with changes in your therapy, that must be so hard. But you have made it this far, it may be scary, but we know you can handle it. Stay strong and hopeful

    Shannon

  17. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape- Thank you so much for continuing to share with us. We are honored that you trust us with your journey back from a horrible ordeal. You’ve been wronged, but are clearly improving. I know, no matter who the therapist is, you will grow because you are strong. In Gary Paulsen’s book The Hatchet, a boy is stranded in the wilderness after a plane crash. After finding a safe spot following the crash, he reaches into his pocket and finds he has nothing but some wet dollar bills and string. Then he remembers what a teacher told that the “most important thing you can ever have is yourself. You are your most valuable asset.” I think that’s true for you- no matter the therapist or situation you are put in. As long as you are you, you will be fine 🙂 Please, continue to share with us. We are very grateful.

    -Ryan

  18. sam Volunteer

    Soundscape,
    I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling right now, but I’m glad you’re trying to remain positive. It’s totally normal to be nervous about getting a new therapist, but try not to borrow worry. When we’re going through big changes, it’s easy to catastrophize about the unknown, which only increases our anxiety. You are clearly strong and full of hope, and you will get through this transition period. I’m glad your boyfriend is being so supportive and understanding, and we are always here for you when you need us, too.

  19. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming to update us. I’m sorry to hear about the flashback, but glad that your boyfriend was there with you to help. I’m also sorry about your therapist leaving-can your therapist recommend you to someone who will be supportive of your care needs? Keep updating us on everything-we are here for you.

    Erin

  20. Megan Volunteer

    Hey soundscape,

    Thanks for the update; it is good to hear from you. I’m really proud of your for processing that memory despite how hard it must’ve been; that shows a lot of strength and growth. I can imagine it must be hard switching therapists and the anxiety you might feel having to start with someone new. If it helps at all, one of the key parts of being a therapist is to listen to the client and validate their feelings and their experience, so this new person should accept you no matter what. Also DID is in the DSMV (the manual therapists use to diagnose disorders), so the new person should recognize it as real because the governing body of psychology still includes it in the list of possible diagnoses. I can’t make any promises that this will be true, but as someone who is in college studying to do therapy, we typically follow what the DSM says; it’s like our rule book. I hope everything with this new therapist goes okay and we are always here if you need anything.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Megan

  21. Marcus Aurelius Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I don’t really know you, this is the first comment I read about your situation. Hmm, I don’t really know what I can say or do to help. However I do know that what I read is quite encouraging in my eyes and I also can identify somewhat with what you’re saying. What I find encouraging is first off that you have the courage to express what is going on inside your head and heart. That is for real quite a feat in itself. Also when I say that I can identify with what you are saying, I mean to say that your last phrase really hit home when you say: ” it’s probably not real so if i just pretend im ok surely it will all go back to normal”. I used to say that to myself all the time. I would just like you to know that first off, you are not alone in this thought process. Second, things DO get better (it may take much more time though, then you’re comfortable with, but also it may happen VERY quickly 🙂 ). Lastly, know that we are here for you, and that you can share as little or as much as you are comfortable with. You are not alone. Happy Sunday miss. Let’s get better!

  22. Solongago Volunteer

    I am sorry this is happening, and I can understand your feelings of trepidation with having to start with someone new. It is totally understandable and valid. Did the previous therapist give you some notice that this was going to happen? Any chance you can continue to work with her on a sliding scale or something until you transition or if the new person doesn’t pan out?

    I give you a lot of credit for being hopeful. I’d probably be throwing an adult temper tantrum. Looking for options and shoring up your support network are ways to avoid the pitfall of negative feelings that can strike us in these times. Be gentle with yourself.

  23. colton95 Volunteer

    I’m sorry for what you had to go through and that you’re feeling anxious, but I think it’s great that you’re trying to improve yourself and remaining hopeful. If you ever feel really down and want to talk to someone, feel free to reach out to anyone here. Stay strong!