I don’t feel great today. I haven’t been feeling great for a while.
Sunday was exhausting. I didn’t stay in the sanctuary for the whole service, but it was difficult to be there. It was painful. I think I’ve been better at not looking at him, so that’s good.
My sister and I were talking about how our parents have invalidated our feelings and controlled many aspects of our lives. She told me that her closest friends see it as emotional abuse. That’s something I’ve been wondering about for a long time. Sometimes I’m convinced it’s emotional abuse, and there are other times when I’m not sure.
Yesterday I tried to mention that my parents compare their emotions to ours. I stated that I was tired, and they said “Try being a parent for 24 hours.” They might have been joking, but I took it personally. I guess I was tired of their invalidation. I didn’t snap at them, but I said that I felt they were comparing. I was upset about it, but I wasn’t trying to make a big deal out of anything. I was too worn out to act lighthearted. My sister was saying that they should try to change that, and they seemed to reject that idea completely. They said “Well, you guys don’t change when we tell you things.” First of all, that’s not true. When my parents notice that I’m not cleaning or helping out as much, I try my best to clean and leave everything better than how I found it. I am trying. I’m trying to help around the house, and I’m trying to be a better person as well.
They completely rejected the idea of changing their behavior, said we were taking things too seriously/personally, and said we were making a big deal out of something small. They said that just because we feel something doesn’t mean they have to listen to it. They brought us into it when we were talking about them. They said that “their tone and everything was wrong to us” and that “we act like we’re right all the time.” We weren’t trying to attack them.
But here’s the thing. If someone else said they didn’t like when I did something, I would try my best to change it – to be a better person for myself and for others. Also, the small things do matter. They seem small, but make a big difference.
Another thing: whenever our tone/facial expression seems a little bit off, they notice and pounce on it. They say not to talk to them that way or to stop looking so upset. It feels like I have to constantly be on guard in case my tone or facial expression is wrong. We’ve learned to notice tone and facial expression, but we don’t get mad at them for those things. We point it out sometimes. An example would be when they say they’re not mad when they sound mad. All we say is “Well, you sound angry,” but we don’t push it past that.
Maybe I was in the wrong for taking it personally. I don’t know. I just pointed something out and sounded a little tired/upset.
It’s really bothering me. I’m wondering if I take things too seriously and if I am too sensitive. I apologized to them in the end, but I’m still upset. If they’re going to react this way when we mention something like this, I don’t think they’re going to be receptive if we mention their invalidation and controlling ways.
I’ve been struggling for the past few weeks, and I haven’t talked about it with my closest friends very much. I know they’re supportive, but I guess this fear of blowing things out of proportion is stopping me.
Thank you for reading this and for your support.