When I was 19 someone I trusted took advantage of me. We had hooked up before. He gave me and ultimatum about letting him take my virginity and I honestly believed that no one else would ever be attracted to me and so even though I wasn’t ready, I let him have sex with me. He put a towel down on his living room floor and had sex with me. Before we hooked up he was sweet to me and always texted kind sweet messages. After we had sex the first time, he only texted me asking when I was going to come over again to have sex. After hooking up a couple times I told him I wanted to try new things and maybe get a little kinky. We never had any discussion about what I meant by kinky I guess he just assumed. So one time when we were hooking up, it had started out consensually but all of the sudden he flipped me onto my stomach and started anally penetrating me. I told him to stop and I started crying because it was so so painful. I kept saying no and stop and I tried to crawl away multiple times but he just pulled me back in each time. He was so much bigger and stronger than me and I couldn’t get away.
After he finished, he left the room and I sat on the bed confused and upset. He came back into the room a couple minutes later and told me that he was going to hit me if I didn’t join him on the couch. I went to the bathroom to get dressed and ran out of his house.
I don’t remember the date it happened which I know is part of trauma but it’s so frustrating. He texted me multiple times and there sually ignored him. One day he texted me and threatened to rape me again and have me details of what he would do. He knew where I lived and I was so paranoid he was going to come after me. I don’t really know when it hit me that he had raped me. But when it did I was so confused and ashamed. I didn’t report because I thought for sure no one would believe me and nothing would get done. I also felt like everyone who looked at me would know. A huge secret that was written on my forehead.
Now I can see that there were red flags, like ultimatums, controlling behavior, and ridiculous jealousy. But at the time I was just okay that someone was interested in me. The log ally part of my brain knows it wasn’t my fault but I still feel ashamed sometimes and that I got myself into that. But then there’s also part of me that feels like I don’t deserve to be upset because others have had it worse. The logical part of my brain knows that those are unhealthy thoughts but sometimes I can’t shake them. I’ve since told my friends and boyfriend (who isn’t really that supportive/understanding sometimes). But I haven’t gotten up the guts to tell my family because I want to protect them and I’m ashamed to tell them. I hope all of this makes sense. Ugh. I’ve had other assaults but this is the most severe and I just hate that my life has been altered because of what he did to me.
I have since gotten my masters degree in counseling so that I can help others and I have more good days than bad. I know that I’m stronger and more brave than I’ve ever been. I will continue to stand up for survivors and make sure that our voices are heard. We will not be silenced. Assault is never okay and we deserve to be heard and our feelings deserve to be validated.