Still hanging on

Still hanging on

283 20

It’s been awhile, my mom just had surgery for her cancer, in the meantime people have blasted me for having what happened to me, telling me cause I didn’t fight or run that I must have wanted it.

They tell me that cause of my actions I’m evil, and wrong, and that’s why all the bad things have happened to me.

My family wants nothing to do with me, cause I’m so evil.

I guess I need reminders that my action said I was scared, I was terrified, I thought I was going to die.

I’m still hanging on, sometimes I just want to just crawl up and cry, how could people who love you ever think this about you, I don’t get it.

I had another bout with CVS, a vomiting syndrome, and I wonder why do I have to suffer from shame, and sicknesses the way I do.

I guess sometimes I need to take some time for myself, please know that I care and love all those here, who are going through, or supporting, and believe in us.

Thank you so much, tell me though, do other’s go through and feel like I do.


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20 comments

  1. Gamato04 Volunteer

    What you feel right now is completely valid. There is no “right” way to heal, it’s different for everyone. The most important part of the healing process is to remember that it wasn’t your fault and that you did not deserve it at all. You are not evil. You are not wrong. You do not deserve any of the bad things that have happened to you. You deserve to have your family stand by you, but if they won’t then it is their loss. Instead, we will be your family. I can promise you that we won’t leave you in a time of need.

  2. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering. Nothing that happened to you was your fault. It is incredibly unfair for you family and others to blame you for what happened. It is totally normal that you didn’t “fight or run.” The fight or flight response has been updated, and includes freeze now, for these reasons. It is not your fault that you didn’t fight back or run. It is a normal, automatic response that has happened to many other people. You are not to blame for this response.
    This is a normal part of the healing process. It sucks, I know. But you can get through it. Keep fighting. You’re so strong and brave for continuing to talk about what happened to you, even with the negative responses that you have received. I hope you keep fighting. Don’t give up.
    Sending healing thoughts your way.
    -Jess

  3. Jamie Marie Volunteer

    They may be blood, but they sure ain’t family.
    You need people who help you, support you, love you. I’m sorry your “family” thinks of you in that light. It isn’t right, nor fair.
    Self care is very important, and surrounding yourself with ones who can help you through this are much needed in recovery.
    Let us know if there’s anything we can do.

  4. jamie.lynn Volunteer

    focus.1968,
    I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I am also so sorry to hear that you don’t feel supported by your family. They are not correct in their statements. What happened to you was not your fault and your inaction does not equal consent/desire to have what happened happen. We hear you and are here to support you! I agree that taking some time for self care is so important. I hope that you have or create a positive self care routine for you to follow. Taking care of you is most important. Please let us know if we can assist in any way!

    -jamie

  5. Maria

    I’m sorry your going through this I’ve seen your other posts and I just wannah say your strong from what I see but even if your not I believe you can be you just need the right support also what’s good is maybe trying to take a walk or take some space for yourself away from the stress for a hour or however long and just listen to music or whatever you like to do stay strong maria 🙂

  6. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey i am so sorry this happened to you and you had to go through all this pain. Just know you have support and others who truly care about you. Let us know if you need more support we are here for you.

  7. Zoe Volunteer

    Hi, focus.1968.

    I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. What those people have said to you is terrible. You deserve to be loved and supported. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t fight or run, that never gives anyone the right to do something to you that you don’t want. You are not to blame for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve for that to happen to you. You’re certainly not “evil,” and you did nothing wrong. The responsibility is 100% on your attacker. I’m so sorry that you’re being made to feel bad about this, but please know that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

    I wish that your family was more supportive of you. Do you have any other support systems you’re able to lean on during this time? Just know, we’re always here for you.

    Zoe.

    1. focus.1968

      Most people I know feel that I’m just as guilty cause I didn’t run, and or fight, and then they tell me that I sinned, and I will never be forgiven.

      It hurts when I hear that, cause for my whole life all I wanted to do is help people, be loved, and feel safe.

      It brings me to my knees as I wonder why am I being hurt, what have I done, and why do people like myself have to suffer?

      I’m sorry, I’m bringing people down, but all I can do is just cry my heart out, as I put this down in words.

  8. blashea

    Hi, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. You didn’t do anything wrong nor did you deserve it. You are so brave for continuing to share your story and we are all proud of you. Please don’t ever forget how important you are. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help!

  9. SAF Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,
    Thanks for sharing with us. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all that. Nothing that happened to you is your fault; you are not evil. Everything that you’re feeling is valid. And you do need to make sure to take some time for yourself. You are your #1 priority. We’re here to support you through everything. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella

  10. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,
    It is good to hear from you; you are often in my thoughts. Thank you for coming back to let us know how you are doing. I am so sorry that your family treats you this way. You are not evil, this was not your fault, and you deserve to be loved and cared for. I am also sorry that your body is holding on to the trauma in the form of CVS. Training in Trauma-Informed Care mentions that gut/digestive issues will be a side effect of the traumatic experience because the body shuts down and prepares to die, so all digestion stops at that point. When we survive the trauma, our digestive system is never the same and often responds to triggers in the same manner just like the rest of our body. Healing from trauma takes connection to another person and you are not getting the connection you need. There is no need to feel shame for your body’s reaction. It is trying to protect you, but it also needs to be able to heal in order to respond appropriately and not keep shutting down when overloaded. We are always here for you and we want you to know that you matter to us. You have been through so much and yet, you are still so generous and loving.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  11. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m sorry your family is treating you like this. You are not evil and this isn’t your fault. You could be getting sick because of all the stress and pressure your family is putting on you. When you were with your angel you weren’t sick because you were happy and had a distraction from your family. Now that she passed away you are only with your family. Just remember to breath and ignore them. Don’t let them get to you. You are strong.
    -Alyssa

  12. SBBK928 Volunteer

    Im sorry that you have had all of these experiences. We are always here for you and wish you well. Take care of yourself first and understand that you are supported and cared for in this group.

  13. Jade Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing this with us. You are such a strong individual. What happened to you is not your fault. It’s okay to not feel okay. It can be devastating to feel unwanted by the people who should make you feel the most loved. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to feel loved and supported. You are not alone, we are always here for you, and we believe in you. Please don’t ever give up. Keep on fighting because you are strong and you got this!

  14. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there focus1968,

    I want to start off by saying that YES other’s go through and feel like you do. I know the struggles of CVS. I have been told that it’s a normal reaction/symptom of stress/traumatic events. I feel it can sometimes be helpful to know that there might be a meaning behind what your body is doing. You are not alone by any means.

    Second of all, you’re not evil. You did not deserve what happened to you. Your reaction to be afraid and fear death is a normal reaction. There’s a thing called a fight or flight response – it seems your body chose the “flight” route by retreating into your own emotions – fear and terror. This is 100% normal. Our first reaction isn’t normally to fight but to protect ourselves.

    We’re here for you always. Keep on fighting and please let us know if there is any other way we can provide you with support.

    -SFM

  15. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry that you are going through such pain right now. What happened was not your fault. Freezing is very common and normal in assault cases because of fear, just like you said. You definitely should be focusing on yourself and healing through your pain; have you tried to talk to a therapist to help you get through this as well? Do you have support at home? You are not evil at all and I am sorry that anyone in your life feels that way about you. Please let us know what we can do for you. We support you; stay strong <3

  16. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry that these people are saying such vile things. There is nothing in the world that makes someone deserving of assault. You didn’t deserve what happened to you at all. You’re not evil, and this wasn’t your fault. I personally think that people who truly love and care about you would not say what they said. It’s not easy at all when people in your family don’t support you in the way that you need. Coping with that can be an exhausting process.
    I think Solongago’s suggestion about creating your own family can help so much. It will take time to know new people and gauge how they’ll respond. However, if the new people are supportive, they can help a lot because bottling your feelings can be self destructive. I know from experience.
    Thank you for updating us. I truly hope things get better for you. We’re here for you if you need anything from us, and continue to stay strong.

  17. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,
    What happened to you was 100% NOT your fault! You are not evil at all either. I am sorry that your family feels that way and that they are not more supportive of you. It can be hard for others to understand what it would be like to be in a situation where you are scared, terrified, and even to think that you are going to die like you mention. I don’t understand why your loved ones would feel this way either, and I am so sorry that you have to feel this way. We care about you and support you! We believe you and we are on your side! I hope that it will get better for you. Never forget that you are very strong, and you can do this!
    With hope,
    Natalie

  18. Solongago

    I don’t think my folks would blame me. Not for the abuse itself. But maybe for bringing it up and not letting it go, and making them miserable. So I get some of what you are saying. It is horribly hard for me not to have the support of those I love and I hope love me. But my folks are not openly hostile against me. And I am not openly working on this stuff. I mean they drop hints that they are not open to know.

    This wasn’t your fault, and your family’s actions against you are horrible. I am sorry. I am sorry your family is really not good for you, even toxic. It is extremely hard to do, but you are going to have to build for yourself a new family. A family of choice. It is best to start collecting folks from different places. If you go to church, a few church friends can be part of your new family. If you are working, some work friends can be in your inner circle. Develop some hobbies, and get to know some folks that are interested in the same things you are. If you have a boy friend or if there are any extended family members who are supportive, they belong too.

    And then you have to do the hard stuff. You have to let them support you. You have to do more than listen to them when they are upset or have drama in their lives. You have to share yours too. And that, I think, is super hard for most of us. Having a therapist on board with you, can help in developing the relationships with folks that you can count on. Because we don’t generally have the best track record with stuff like this.

    The good news is that there is hope, and you can have a support network, a family of sorts, that can build you up, and help you through the rough patches. I’m sorry your own family probably will not have the honor of being a part of that.

  19. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Anyone who would say that about you doesn’t love you or care about you. What happened to you was not your fault. You didn’t deserve any of it. Let us know what else you may need.

    Erin