Starting over again

Starting over again

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I have to start over again, having pain, suffering, memories, physical pain, and who knows what else
This time it’s going to be different, I will get the therapy, medical, support, and any other help I can get.

Sometime last weekend everything that I worked on for 37 years was almost like I didn’t heal. In a matter of minutes feelings that I had for 37 years came back all of a sudden, it made me physically sick, it made me question things I never did before such when I was raped did I sin?, am I unforgivable?, and would my mother be better off if I was dead?

I have only hated one person, my rapist. I strive to help people, not to judge people no matter what, to have compassion, and never would want to hurt physically or verbally. I’m not saying I’m perfect, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I try hard to do what’s right. Which leaves me this question why would anyone want to open a wound so deep and hurt a victim to a point of never before, why? What’s the purpose of this, besides being a vile, wicked, evil and hateful person?

Am I wrong for hating what this woman did, and wanting nothing to do with her again, she did something so wrong that I may not know what may become of me, nobody should shame anyone like that, nobody!

Even though I have suffered, and will suffer again I will not lie down and give up, I will rise up


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4 comments

  1. CarmenR Volunteer

    You shouldn’t have been shamed or judged for what happened to you. Please keep up your positive attitude! You are strong and you are a survivor. Never forget that we are here for you.

    Carmen

  2. Erin Day Captain

    Nobody should shame anyone like that-I find that all too often victims are always questioning themselves, and questioning their feelings. You are allowed to feel how you feel. And you should be told that, too. Keep fighting. Keep pushing. I know it is INSANELY difficult to do. But you’re doing it. And we are here to support you. Thank you for sharing more.

    Erin

  3. Kristen Eby

    I agree with Jacqui. It’s admirable and important that you remind yourself how valuable you are, and not give up. You got this.

  4. Jacqui

    No, I don’t think you did anything wrong. I love that you ended on a positive note. That is so important and a great mindset.