Sometimes I think I’m crazy

Sometimes I think I’m crazy

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Late last night I began thinking am I with all my problems the best for my Angel?

I love her more than anything else in the world, but something tells me that she deserves so much better.

I thought this way before, a long time ago.

So yeah I am beginning to think I’m crazy, who wouldn’t want to be loved like Crystal loves me.

Is this normal to think like I am, I love my Angel so much that I only want the very best for her, and I’m not sure if I am the very best.

I just know she’s the very best for me.

With all my baggage that I’ve brought with me I don’t want to bring anyone I love down.

I’m so sorry, I know what the answers are, I know what to do, I just have to get some reassurance about how I’m feeling, if it’s normal, or am I going crazy?


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22 comments

  1. whispersofsoul

    I felt this way when I first started dating my boyfriend in fact I tried to sabotage the relationship in the first year because I couldn’t believe this amazing man wanted to be with me. But with his support I straightened up my life and took care of most of my baggage. I know now that I deserve to be loved as much as I love him and you deserve to be loved as well. love is not earned it is given, she wants to give it to you. Accept it, smile and know that she cares for not just you but your soul.
    Take care

  2. Marissa Day Captain

    focus.1968,

    you’re not going crazy! what you’re feeling is totally normal… most people don’t believe they are “enough” for the person they love the most in the world – they think they deserve everything and more! but i’m sure that she’s as happy to be with you as you are to be with her. keep your head up 🙂

  3. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968
    That is normal, but she loves you through everything and you deserve it. She is always by your side and you obviously want what is best for her and you may not think that is you but I bet she would say other wise. We all have baggage and when we are lucky enough to find a person to help carry it we question it. So you are not crazy. Enjoy being in love and enjoy the happiness you bring each other . much love
    Kristin

  4. MinZRivers Volunteer

    William, you are in no way crazy! I understand how you feel. We all want the best for the ones we love the most. No one’s perfect! Everyone has their own baggage. No exceptions! I like to think in my relationship, we are not perfect, but perfect for each other. You deserve true love! Hold on to it and please don’t doubt it! You know we are always here for you and Crystal! Much love ?-Kia

    1. focus.1968

      Thanks so much, I started feeling this way cause when Crystal had last talked to my mother, she had reminded her that she wished she would have killed me, and almost did when I was 2 years old.

      What kind of sick, evil person would ever say that about her son?

      When Crystal came home that night, she was crying so hard, and as we hugged each other tight.

      She was so upset that it not only caused her to cry, and shake uncontrollably but made her physically sick, to the point that she had to vomit. I still can’t believe why my mother would say something so filthy rotten about her own son.

      Someone who is deeply disturbed, and evil, anyway thanks for letting me vent, and speak about what hurts the very most.

  5. blashea

    It is definitely normal to feel that way, but try to remind yourself of all of the good things you bring to the relationship. Crystal is there for you because she wants to be, and because she believes in you. We all are here for you and support you. You deserve to be happy.

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    It is normal to have these thoughts. That negative voice in our heads says these things to us, and we all need reassurance. However, you do deserve to be loved. I can tell Crystal is an amazing source of support in your life, and she is supporting you out of love. We all have problems, and the people who love us are willing to support us through everything.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re always here for you.

  7. MH Volunteer

    Hello focus.1968,
    Thoughts like these ones are normal- we are always hardest on ourselves! You do deserve this love though. You are a wonderful, bright, courageous individual who deserves every ounce of love that you are receiving from Crystal. It is easy to doubt ourselves and often hard to believe in ourselves/believe that we deserve the good that comes to us. But you do deserve it- you deserve the very best! Keep your head up high 🙂
    MH

  8. alexcostello Volunteer

    Hi there focus.1968,
    Thank you so much again for sending in updates and letting us be apart of your journey. We are incredibly grateful for the strength you have shown in sharing your thoughts and feelings with us and hope that you continue to do so whenever you need to. Please don’t ever be sorry for seeking advice and guidance when it comes to thoughts such as these, we are here for you always. I completely understand these thoughts about not quite feeling ‘enough’ when it comes to our loved ones and considering whether or not they deserve better. I want you to know that you are enough and even from your messages that I have read, the amount of love and kindness and care that you have for her is truly inspiring and anyone would be lucky to have that, so please don’t doubt your own personal wonder.
    Sending love and light to you always,
    Alex

  9. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, focus.1968. You’re not crazy, I think that’s a common thought that many people who go through trauma have. I’ve definitely felt that way in relationships. Everyone has baggage, though. Sometimes you have to just trust that the other person can gauge for themselves what they can handle and what they can’t. Have you tried talking to Crystal about this?

    1. focus.1968

      Yes, your right. And Crystal is always there, just as I’m always there for her.

      To Crystal there is nothing about me, or I could say to make her feel anything but love for me.

      She even knows when I have a bad day, without me even saying a word, it’s like she can read my body language, see it in my eyes, or hear it in my voice.

      I’ve never met anyone like her in my life. Someone who accepts me know matter what, it doesn’t matter where I come from, my past which is filled with nothing but abuse.

      All she knows, and is concerned about is the fact that she loves me unconditionally, just as I love her.

  10. Ash Volunteer

    It is totally normal to feel this way. I feel like this sometimes too. We all have our own problems and that is okay. We just have to work through them 🙂 it’s good to hear from you and always we are here and in your corner.

  11. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    It’s good to hear back from you. It is totally
    normal to think like this. You are not crazy. Everyone has baggage. Don’t think you are a bad person or something because you have it. From everything you have said it sounds like Crystal loves you and would do anything for you. Don’t overthink your relationship. Thanks for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  12. focus.1968

    Thanks much for the beautiful words of encouragement, I sometimes get loaded with anxiety, and PTSD. And it gets the very best of me.

    I talked with my Angel this morning, and she thinks that perhaps taking a little vacation from everything might be a good idea for both of us, so as to get ourselves together for the future that awaits both of us.

    I couldn’t be more fortunate in my life, because I am unconditionally loved, as my beautiful Angel is as well.

    1. Ashley Day Captain

      focus.1968,

      Wanting reassurance is reasonable, especially when we feel overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions.
      Believing that the person we’re with deserves better can be heartbreaking, so it’s excellent how you spoke to Crystal and allowed her to comfort you.

  13. calshaw Day Captain

    Your feelings are normal, you aren’t going crazy. You love her so much and you want to take care of her and consider her. It’s understandable why you are feeling this way and It’s okay to ask for reassurance. We are always here to listen and help. You have a very good relationship with Crystal and you both want the best for each other. Many victims/survivors of sexual assault/abuse feel like they bring down their significant other…but we forget that our loves are with us for a reason,
    ; they want to be and they love us so much that the “baggage” does not hurt them. I have felt the way you are feeling too. Focus1968, you deserve love and she deserves yours. She is always by your side and a very good woman. And you have been an honest, good, and dedicated person for her. Hold onto it. Thank you for sharing with us again. Keep staying strong!

    -Shawn

  14. Edjay Volunteer

    It’s totally understandable you’re feeling that way. It’s extremely considerate of you to think about how Crystal’s feeling. You deserve to be loved, and you are not crazy at all. Take care.

  15. Jamie Marie Volunteer

    You’re not going crazy, and it’s normal for us needing reassurance. I’ve personally dealt with pushing others away in fear of getting attached due to my PTSD, thinking someone doesn’t want me nor my baggage. But I’ve been slowly opening up to a good guy friend of mine, but I’m taking it slow.
    Crystal is still here, and that’s a good woman to keep. She loves you.
    Hold onto the relationship and remind yourself you’re loved.

  16. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    It’s okay to reach out for reassurance. That’s what we are here for. It’s okay that you feel like this-I have felt like this in my previous relationships too, and I think a lot of victims feel like they are too damaged to be love. But nothing is too damaged that cannot be healed through love. Love, to me, is all that matters. As long as you have that, you are right for each other. It doesn’t sound like you have anything to worry about-she loves you and is there for you, and you deserve that. Thank you for coming back to share.

    Erin

  17. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Focus.1968,

    I totally understand what you’re feeling; I’ve been there myself many times. I used to actually end relationships before they could go any farther because I thought that no one would want to deal with my baggage; but when I finally stopped doing that and let people in, I actually found a lot of love. Crystal knows all of your baggage already and she still chooses to stay with you. I think that shows a lot. If Crystal continues to pick you, you should continue to allow her to pick you. It sounds like you two have a beautiful relationship. Don’t be afraid to hold onto it!

    Much love,
    Megan

  18. rkr18 Volunteer

    Focus.1968

    Thanks for sharing. I believe it’s normal I don’t believe you are going crazy. You deserve to be loved and she is with you because she sees you who you really are. She truly loves you. Please let us know if we can help you, we are here for you.
    -Marie

  19. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,
    I think it is normal to feel the way you are right now because you love her so much and all you have heard your whole life is how you are “not good enough”. The sweet, wonderful thing is, you don’t get to decide if you are “good enough” for Crystal, she does! If she is telling you that you are who she loves and who she wants to be with, you will hurt her more by breaking her heart than have to carry a little extra baggage. You have such a beautiful and strong spirit. You fill a need in her. I bet if you ask her, she will tell you the same thing. You are worthy of being loved by Crystal.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie