This one ought to be short, because we talked only about stuff that we have already worked on. We started with the calling hours for my sister’s father in law, and then talking a little to my brothers, and then got into the future conversation I will be having with my younger-older brother.
And then we went back to the bit where I initiated the incident with him. I know I was 12, and I did not have the capacity to understand long-term effects, and all of that. I told her that Cathy said, we don’t have to assign fault for that. And that struck me as totally novel on Thursday. And I felt good enough to go to work on Friday (somehow I murdered a muscle in my neck/shoulder). But today, I’m depressed.
And when I am depressed, I find stuff like this to beat myself with over and over and over again. Then I wonder if I will ever get any better. Every other 12 year old in the world might be totally innocent, but I knew me — yeah we are looking at it from an adult perspective, but it is worse than that. We are looking at it from a depressed adult perspective, and that is down-right dangerous. I have to snap myself out of this.
I could feel the session slipping away. I’m a little bummed. Probably the pain.