solongago, episode 29

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This one ought to be short, because we talked only about stuff that we have already worked on. We started with the calling hours for my sister’s father in law, and then talking a little to my brothers, and then got into the future conversation I will be having with my younger-older brother.

And then we went back to the bit where I initiated the incident with him. I know I was 12, and I did not have the capacity to understand long-term effects, and all of that. I told her that Cathy said, we don’t have to assign fault for that. And that struck me as totally novel on Thursday. And I felt good enough to go to work on Friday (somehow I murdered a muscle in my neck/shoulder). But today, I’m depressed.

And when I am depressed, I find stuff like this to beat myself with over and over and over again. Then I wonder if I will ever get any better. Every other 12 year old in the world might be totally innocent, but I knew me — yeah we are looking at it from an adult perspective, but it is worse than that. We are looking at it from a depressed adult perspective, and that is down-right dangerous. I have to snap myself out of this.

I could feel the session slipping away. I’m a little bummed. Probably the pain.


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15 comments

  1. Solongago Volunteer

    Thank you all. Yes, Alex, we are dealt the worst cards, or it seems that way. We struggle with self esteem which messes up our job choices and people choices and community choices. So we choose jobs and people that treat us how we feel we deserve to be treated. We stuff feelings to the point of being numb for decades, and all that does is make everything worse when you let them out of their cage. And then, if you struggle with depression, which most of us do, we flit around in the mental health arena, and there is stigma connected with that so that you cannot or you think you cannot complain or even question what folks determine about you.

    I am down right now because I think I can trust folks, but I have trusted folks before that weren’t trustworthy, and now I don’t trust myself to know who is trustworthy. And I struggle with emotions about family, because it is hard to accept that the folks that you care most about in the world, and that you have nothing without, are the folks that have hurt you so badly and caused so many long-term effects. I think that if I let myself go, let it all out, I might lose the only thing I have.

    And so yes, we struggle. I struggle. I have struggled with depression forever. I have struggled with money. I have struggled with my weight. I have struggled with the conflicts of wanting to be independent and dependent. It seems like everything has a counter-argument with me. And everything is raw, and at the same time forbidden. Deep sadness — forbidden. Deep pain — forbidden, strong anger — forbidden. Fear is not forbidden. I walk into group or individual therapy full of anxiety because I might touch upon the forbidden. And thinking that makes me angry at the systems that were put in place and the people that put those systems in place, which is forbidden and sparks guilt and self-loathing, which feeds the depression.

    Am I making sense or just rambling?

    Stella, what’s a DM? Some kind of messaging? Well, it’s three oclock, I wouldn’t message anyone at this hour even if I didn’t have 9 starving puppies that are waiting for me to go home and feed them.

  2. SAF Volunteer

    Hi solongago,
    I hope your neck and shoulder feel better. I’m sorry you’re feeling depressed. It’s hard to get out of holes like that, but you’ve already been through so much and you’re making so much progress. It may be hard to see, but it will get better. If you ever need to talk, feel free to DM me.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella

  3. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry to hear that you’ve been in pain and feeling depressed. Pain is enough to deal with, so having that depression happening at the same time is not and never will be easy. However, you’ve shown us that you are able to persist and keep moving forward, so just keep that in mind through this rough time. Try looking ahead to the future and stay on track the best you can. You’ve made incredible progress! Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You got this!
    As always, we are here. Let us know if you need anything – whether that be words of encouragement or assistance, we are always here. I’ll be sending healing thoughts your way that the pain (both emotional and physical) dissipate for you, even if it’s a miniscule amount. I hope it’ll help you keep moving forward. We’re rooting for you!
    -Jess

  4. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Solongago,
    I am sorry to hear that you are in pain and feeling depressed as well. Being hurt is enough all on it’s own, but add in emotional hurt and it can seem unbearable. You can do this though and even through the pain and depression that thought is still there, pushing you forward, keeping you on track. You are amazingly strong, smart, and you have so much love for others. We are here to help you to remember to give some of that love to yourself and to remind you of the awesome person you are. I am sending you well-wishes for your shoulder and a big hug for your thoughts and feelings. Keep breathing, you’ve got this<3
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  5. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m sorry you are depressed. You shouldn’t beat yourself up. You are strong and it’s okay to be depressed. Just remember that you have to pick yourself back up. I’m happy you had a good session. Thanks for the update.
    -Alyssa

  6. alexcostello Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m so sorry to hear that things are a bit rough at the moment, I know it doesn’t always help hearing that but I want to remind you that we are always here for you. Hearing that you too go through periods where the depression feels heavier and more apparent and that you too have moments where you hate everyone that has hurt you brings me so much comfort knowing that there is someone out there that feels the same way I do at times. I feel like sometimes we are dealt the most difficult cards and how you have handled yourself and the strength you have shown is truly inspiring. I know one day you will feel as proud of yourself as we all do and I want to remind you of how much help and comfort you have brought to the community, so even in your darkest hour you are loved, appreciated and you are so worthy.
    Sending love and light to you,
    Alex

  7. Solongago Volunteer

    Thank you all. I wish I was in a better mood. I worked tonight, but was miserable because of my shoulder. I am in a moment of hating everyone who has done something to me, or has failed to protect me. And immediately, I feel so guilty and afraid they will know. I am so fragile that I can be crushed into dust, it is terrifying to have these feelings.

    Today in group one of the gals said she was going to start dating, though she has never before. I told her that was really brave. Cathy said to me, that I am not there yet, but I will be. That was really nice and really terrifying at the same time.

    I’d like to be done with all of this, but I don’t want to be left here. Is every neutral or good feeling going to have a negative feeling chasing after it to keep it in line? Ah well, 8am comes early, and I still have to feed the puppies. Have a good night everyone.

  8. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m sorry you are feeling really depressed and that this session wasn’t helpful. I know that this can be really hard. You don’t have to beat yourself up like this. We got you. We are always here. Keep coming back to share.

    Erin

  9. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Keep hanging in there Solongago. The emotions change over time. They will get better. I hope you remember so when the depression kicks in and keep us updated!

    Ryan

  10. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Solongago,
    I’m really sorry you’re feeling depressed and that you’ve been dealing with muscle pain. Being hard on ourselves is the worst. Please correct me if I’m wrong about this next sentence. From your past entries, it sounds like your brother groomed you into thinking that what was happening was okay. I agree with Cathy about not assigning blame, but I know that’s easier said than done.
    Sometimes when I’m hard on my past self, I think about what thoughts and feelings I was having at the time – sometimes in detail, sometimes not in detail. It helps me understand what I was going through, and it leads to self compassion. Sometimes I also write compassionate letters to my past self. Of course, you should do what you feel is best for you. Considering that what you went through was very traumatic, you would have to tread very carefully. If you feel it would be too emotionally difficult, you could find another way to forgive your past self. Maybe you could do something you enjoy to take your mind off of everything.
    I hope you feel better this week. Thanks for updating us – we’re always here.

    1. Solongago Volunteer

      Thank you, music2799.

      I don’t know if he groomed me to think it was ok. That would be my oldest brother. I have a hard time remembering everything. I mean, I remember very well an incident that took place in the basement in this house, which we moved to when I was 10, almost 11. But I remember that before that incident there were countless of incidents of lesser severity — having me masturbate him, or oral sex that happened in the old house. He never used force. He would manipulate me or he would pay me. I helped to keep it secret, and that is why I do not necessarily think he groomed me to think it was ok. I think he started small and gradually worked up.

      It started so young that I couldn’t have possibly known why it was so wrong. And once it had started, well learning/growth in that area was confused, and it was easier to make me believe I would be in trouble, I was at fault. What happened with Bob went on until after he moved out of my parents’ house. I stopped it by telling him I could get pregnant. And that made me believe it was my fault too.

      What happened with Brian was traumatic in a different way, because he did use force, and I was closer to him, and I almost died, and it makes no sense for me to have initiated sex with him. I need to keep telling myself that I was a kid. That I couldn’t possibly know why it was so wrong, and I was probably looking for something totally unrelated to sex. When I am down, I use this to beat myself up with. I know the truth. But I haven’t completely accepted it. I wish I was smarter or wiser.

      I think that sometimes I believe that if I do not blame myself, I will have to blame my family, and they are everything I have. They are everything to me. I’m between a rock and a hard place.

  11. Solongago Volunteer

    Thank you.

    Football is one of my things, boxing is another, and bull riding. Maybe I like to see guys beating the heck out of each other, or letting a bull doit. LOL. But last night was some good boxing, and today, my Brownies did not lose today. They didn’t win either, but a tie is better than a loss.

    But my trapezium muscle is screaming at me. After watching 422 episodes of Untold Stories of the ER, I thought they could fix anything. Dad, says no. They cannot do anything for this. , you just have to wait it out. I did go to the express care and got muscle relaxers, didn’t work. But I am taking them, religiously. And aspirin, and ibprofin, and my dog’s tramadols — I did ask my brother if that is ok with my other meds. Nothing is working, and I am going to eat a hole in my stomach or kill my kidneys. I ahve been putting biofreeze on it, which is helping my knees, but doing nothing much for my shoulder, so I tried icy-hot, which smells good, but I am not sure how much it works. Maybe a little. And the heating pad works fine when it is on there, but when you take it off, it feels ten times worse.

  12. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for keeping us updated! I am sorry that you’re depressed; hopefully this week will be better for you. Keep on staying strong and working on healing. We are here for you <3

  13. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    hey So long ago
    Sorry to hear you are feeling depressed today. Those are the worst days. Glad you wrote to us about how you feeling. Don’t beat yourself up to many things will get better. Find some theme whether its comedy, music or something to help you deal with a down day. We are here for you and will continue to support you. Just find that item that boosts you.

  14. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Solongago,
    Hey there. Sorry to hear you are feeling depressed to day. I hate those days. Glad you were able to write in tho. I know it is hard not to beat yourself up but things will get better. You should put on a fun movie or binge watch something funny. You will make it though. You are so strong and have been doing so well. These days will pass. Hang in there. Much love
    Kristin