Sixth post

I had a nightmare. I dont often get nightmares about my abuse, in fact this may only be the second time, and i was barely asleep anyway so idk. But i dreamt i was standing in a big black void and screaming while a large snake crawled out of me. It was bigger than my whole body and i was thrashing around trying to wake up like i was asleep and awake at the same time, i knew it was a dream but i couldnt wake up. 

Then the dream changed to a memory. I was in my neighbors basement and i was laying on the table and A was standing in front of me and he looked like he was about to cry. and he kept saying “i dont want to” and “im sorry” and i felt so confused when he started to rape me because i didnt think he would hurt me the way they did. but i stayed still like i was supposed to. i didnt try to get away or stop him. i just tried to wait it out and he stopped much quicker than i was used to. his dad got mad when he quit and A said it just didnt feel good and he didnt want to do it. but his dad said he had to finish, he said if he didnt finish then there was no point for me to even be there. he told him he could just go to his room like a child or he could finish like a man then his dad raped me. i just lay there after and A looked so scared. he looked like he was going to cry. i wanted to cry for him, i didnt even care about myself or how bad it hurt, i was scared for A. then his dad made him rape me. he slapped him and told him if he wanted me to get home on time he had better finish up so he did. it felt like it took so much longer. he kept stopping and his dad would yell more and more. i just kept waiting for it to be over. i just wanted to go to sleep. i was so tired. it must have been really late at night because i was so so tired but he kept crying and stopping and not wanting to do it anymore before he finally did it. 

his dad was so proud of him. A was still crying when i got dressed and went home. 

its been over a week since i remembered it and i cant get it out of my brain. i wonder if that moment is why i get so worked up if i have sex and i cant get my partner to orgasm and i feel so useless and upset. 


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18 comments

  1. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m so sorry this happened. I know how hard this feeling can be when you have memories come back in your sleep. Just remember you are strong. You can get through any dream and anything that comes your way.
    You are not useless. You have been through a lot of really traumatic things. Your partner understands that. Have you tried to talk to them since you had this dream? That might help if you talk about it.
    Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. If you need anything else we are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  2. mkyuellig

    hey there soundscape,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your nightmare. Nightmare’s can be super upsetting and scary, and this one in particular sounds very traumatic. I also struggle from nightmares, and I empathize because they truly can feel so real, and it’s so hard to shake the emotions you were feeling in the dream, and the memories of the dream follow you for days. You probably know from working with your therapist that nightmares like this are pretty common for people with PTSD. It’s helpful for me after waking up from a nightmare to do some mindfulness and meditation exercises, to ground myself and establish what is real and actually happening vs what is a dream and is just in my mind. It also might be helpful for you to journal about your dreams, just to get your thoughts out of your head and on to paper. If your nightmares continue and become a serious problem, there are also some treatments that have proven to be effective for people. Hypnotherapy and EMDR are super helpful when processing trauma, and there is actually a medication called prazosin that treats nigh-time PTSD symptoms like nightmares and anxiety attacks. These things might not be for you, but I just wanted to let you know that there are options out there. You are doing an awesome job of handling your mental health and taking control of your healing process. Even on days that you feel overwhelmed, remember how far you have come and all you have done for yourself. I hope you come back and keep us updated, we are here for you.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  3. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,
    I am so sorry that these memories are coming back to you. You are an amazingly strong and resilient person and it sounds like you are very caring towards your partner. For many of us, sex is tied to our emotional and mental state, but for others, it is a physical release and if there isn’t trust, respect, and communication around that, things can get difficult at times. It sounds like you and your boyfriend have those skills. Hopefully, talking with your therapist about the dreams and getting them out in the open will help you reconcile them so that you can move past things that may trigger your trauma. We are always here to listen and let you know that you are not alone.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  4. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m really sorry that you had this nightmare and that this memory resurfaced. The dream sounds terrifying, and I can’t imagine how traumatizing the memory was. It’s understandable that you’ve been thinking about this a lot. I hope that talking to your therapist about this can help you feel relieved as well as figure out how to cope with these memories.
    I read the comment you posted below. I’m glad that your boyfriend is so understanding and supportive. That being said, you’re not only good for one thing. You’re not useless. You’re coping with the effects of what you’ve been through, and that’s not easy at all. It can take time to heal from these things, and that’s okay. This healing process can be exhausting sometimes, and I encourage you to be kind to yourself.
    Thank you for updating us. I hope you have more peaceful nights of sleep and that you’ll keep healing. We’re all here for you if you need anything, so please feel free to reach out. You can get through this, and I believe in you.

  5. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m so sorry for the horrible nightmare and memory that came up for you. That must have been awful to remember and not be able to make it stop. What happened to you is horrible and I hope that you find support while dealing with this.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  6. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Soundscape,

    I’m sorry that this nightmare/memory came up for you. I know how jarring it can be when a random trauma memory comes to mind. Much like Julia said, I think it would definitely help to see someone that could help you come up with coping mechanisms for when this type of thing happens. You might be right about why you get worked up when you’re having sex; traumatic events are often related to future behaviours. Seeing a therapist that specializes in working with trauma might be able to help you resolve those feelings so you can have sex without the added worry/stress in the future. Just try to keep in mind that you are absolutely not useless, and also that your worth is not dependent in any way on whether or not your partner orgasms.

    You are strong and you will get through this. I believe in you,
    Megan

  7. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    I am so sorry you had such a horrible nightmare. Have you tried to talk out these feelings with someone? Maybe it would help to discuss some coping mechanisms with a therapist for when these things happen. You are definitely not useless; you have been through serious trauma and healing takes time. Keep on staying strong; we are here for you <3

  8. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Thank you for updating us , I’m sorry to hear about the flashbacks , they can be absolutely horrible. It’s a good thing you plan on talking to your therapist about it though. Keep on fighting and we can’t wait to hear from you again.

    -Brianna

  9. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi soundscape,

    Thank you for updating us about how things are going. Having flashbacks of what happened sounds terrifying, especially having it come back to you so vividly. From your comment below, it seems like you are planning on talking about this with your therapist. That sounds like a great idea, and hopefully one that you will find helpful. Please don’t hesitate on reaching back out again, we are always here for you. Take care.

  10. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with nightmares recently. Sometimes flashbacks occur in the subconscious as nightmares before our waking conscious is ready to process them. Do you have access to a counselor or therapist who might be able to discuss it with you? If not you can always look through our resources, or post here as you continue through your recovery journey. We’re here for you.

    All the best,
    Becca

  11. Graciegrace22

    I am so sorry that you had this nightmare. I want you to know it is okay and we are here to support you. This is not your fault and you are worthy of gaining peace in your life. It will get easier in time. You are survivor and will overcome this. Hang in their.

  12. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape. Thank you for trusting us with this memory. I am sorry that happened to you and memory had come back up. You did not deserve any of that. None of this your fault and you are useless. Thanks for the update, we’re always here if you need us. Hang in there. its not easy but believe in you and i know you can get through this.

  13. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, Soundscape. Thank you for trusting us with this memory. I’m so sorry that happened to you and the memory has come back up. You and A did not deserve any of that. None of this is your fault and you are not useless. When I get memories stuck in my head, I try to do grounding exercises that my therapist has taught me. Breathing exercises, naming things in the room, counting, focusing on all 5 senses. Anything that can help ground me in the moment and remind me I’m safe in the present. Thanks for the update, we’re always here if you need us. Hang in there. It’s not easy, but I believe in you and know you can get through this.

  14. Jade Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing this experience with us. I’m so sorry that you went though that and that these memories and nightmares are haunting you. It can be scary reliving and vividly remembering such traumatic events. You don’t deserve any of this. And you didn’t deserve what happened to you. It’s understandable that you feel upset but as others have said, it’s not your fault and you cannot be blamed. You are strong and brave. Please always remember that you are never alone, we are here for you.

  15. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Soundscape,

    Thanks for coming back and sharing with us again. I’m really sorry you went through that experience to begin with, and then had to relive it. Flashbacks can be so scary, especially ones that are so vivid. It’s totally understandable to get upset when you partner doesn’t finish, but please know that it’s not your fault and I’m sure they don’t blame you for it. I can’t remember if you’ve said whether or not you have been speaking with a counselor, but it would probably help you unpack some of the things that have just recently come to light. Remember though, only do what you’re comfortable with! Please don’t forget that!

    Don’t hesitate to come back and update us again if you need anything. We’re here for you!!

    Marissa

    1. Soundscape

      Thank you so much. I see my therapist again tomorrow and I plan to talk to her about that new memory.
      I wasnt even sure if i was going to mention it here til last night with my boyfriend when we had that exact issue and it upset me so bad i started crying and i told him all about it, and he wasnt even upset or anything to begin with but its still hard to get my brain not jump to that thought that im only good for one thing.

  16. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I am so sorry that this happened, and that you remembered it so vividly recently. I know flashbacks can be difficult, especially when they are so clear like that. I cannot remember, have you ever seen a therapist or talked to a counselor about what happened? I know that helped me deal with the flashbacks when I was experiencing some vivid ones during my teen years. Let us know how else we can help you-we are here for you.

    Erin

  17. Juliana331 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure you were so very tired and just wanted to curl up under your blankets and sleep. Nightmares are so hard because they take us where we don’t want to go. I’m glad you don’t get them often. Have you tried talking with a counselor about them? We are here to listen whenever you need to share. For now, I will wish you a peaceful night’s sleep.