I had a nightmare. I dont often get nightmares about my abuse, in fact this may only be the second time, and i was barely asleep anyway so idk. But i dreamt i was standing in a big black void and screaming while a large snake crawled out of me. It was bigger than my whole body and i was thrashing around trying to wake up like i was asleep and awake at the same time, i knew it was a dream but i couldnt wake up.
Then the dream changed to a memory. I was in my neighbors basement and i was laying on the table and A was standing in front of me and he looked like he was about to cry. and he kept saying “i dont want to” and “im sorry” and i felt so confused when he started to rape me because i didnt think he would hurt me the way they did. but i stayed still like i was supposed to. i didnt try to get away or stop him. i just tried to wait it out and he stopped much quicker than i was used to. his dad got mad when he quit and A said it just didnt feel good and he didnt want to do it. but his dad said he had to finish, he said if he didnt finish then there was no point for me to even be there. he told him he could just go to his room like a child or he could finish like a man then his dad raped me. i just lay there after and A looked so scared. he looked like he was going to cry. i wanted to cry for him, i didnt even care about myself or how bad it hurt, i was scared for A. then his dad made him rape me. he slapped him and told him if he wanted me to get home on time he had better finish up so he did. it felt like it took so much longer. he kept stopping and his dad would yell more and more. i just kept waiting for it to be over. i just wanted to go to sleep. i was so tired. it must have been really late at night because i was so so tired but he kept crying and stopping and not wanting to do it anymore before he finally did it.
his dad was so proud of him. A was still crying when i got dressed and went home.
its been over a week since i remembered it and i cant get it out of my brain. i wonder if that moment is why i get so worked up if i have sex and i cant get my partner to orgasm and i feel so useless and upset.