Sexual Assault?

Sexual Assault?

131 20

If you’ve read my stories on here, then you know that I’ve been through some things. I wanna talk about what happened to me in the summer of 2018. I was 21 at the time and had just met my deceased fiancé. He wanted to have sex with me on our second date. I absolutely did not want to because he was bigger than average and I was afraid. I agreed to blow him but that didn’t work for him. He gave me some pills to calm down, and he had sex with me anyway. This is a man who later on raped me twice, assaulted me twice, and kidnapped me. Even though he’s done awful things to me, I still don’t know if our first time was consensual or a sexual assault. I’ve been sexually assaulted before by my 2 friends. (I was too drunk to give consent.) But I just have a hard time coming to terms with this possible assault. What do you guys think? Thoughts would be appreciated.


Join the Conversation

20 comments

  1. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello zelda,

    You mentioned that you didn’t want to have sex because you were scared. Since you didn’t want to have sex, he should have accepted how you felt instead of giving you pills to ease your fear. Ultimately, it sounds like you didn’t explicitly agree to have sex. I’m sorry that you were placed in this situation.

    Thank you for continuing to come back to share more of your story with us ♥️

    Ashley

  2. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    I’m really sorry this happened to you, and it makes sense that this is hard to come to terms with. I think it was assault because you didn’t consent and he gave you substances to make you do what he wanted, which I don’t think is okay at all. That being said, I think defining this experience is up to you because this is your story. It may take time to cope, and that’s okay. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and you’re not at fault.
    Thank you for sharing more of your story. We’re here for you whenever you need to talk, and continue to stay strong.

  3. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Zelda,

    Welcome back, yes you have definitely been through a lot, you are so strong. I think that it was sexual assault, if consent was not explicitly given and the sex is not consensual, it would be considered assault. You would have had to explicitly tell him yes for it to be consensual. Have you talked to a therapist about these things? It might be super helpful to talk to someone weekly about this past trauma.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  4. Jordan Volunteer

    Hey zelda,

    Honestly, in my opinion I would consider this sexual assault. If someone has to give you something that causes you to be under the influence so it can be easier for them to do whatever they want to you, I do not consider that consensual by any means. Especially since you were very clear in the beginning about what you wanted and did not want to do. It seems that in order for him to have gotten what he wanted, he first had to make you less aware, which is never okay. I am so sorry that, that was your first experience with him and that so many more had to follow… you did not deserve any of this. Remember that <3 Thank you for continuing to share your stories with us on here, I hope that this has been able to help you in many ways <3

    – Jordan

  5. Lizzi Volunteer

    Thank you so much for trusting us with your stories, and I’m so sorry for every single thing you’ve been through. Nobody deserves to go through any trauma like this, but you’ve been through so much it’s even more painful for me to read. Know that this is a safe place for you to share these stories and ask these questions you have, and to get support from people that get it. It’s ultimately up to you to determine if this was assault or not. Nobody can make the decision for you what you want to call it. And if you don’t want to call it assault for now, you can always change that later. This is your story and you decide. However, it does sound like what I would call assault due to the fact that you told him no, and that he drugged you so you were calm enough to let him do what he wanted. Unless consent is given, it was not consensual. Regardless of what you call this specific incident, it sounds like there were many assaults that followed so his intentions may never have been that great.

  6. Megan Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    I’m sorry that this happened. Because you said you didn’t want to have sex, you did not give him consent, and he did it anyway, I would consider this sexual assault. It can be quite hard coming to terms with the idea that someone you had once trusted did assault you, and for this reason a lot of survivors are hesitant to label their experiences. However, no matter what you call it, you know what you experienced and how it made you feel and whether you call it assault or not, he still hurt you, which isn’t fair to you. It is incredible that you have made it through everything you have been through and you are still going strong. You truly are a fighter and a survivor.

    Keep being strong,
    Megan

  7. Harton.13 Volunteer

    hi zelda,

    The way you describe this situation sounds like a violation and assault. You told him you didn’t want to have sex, so he gave you drugs and violated that wish, which is not a consensual experience. A lot of people walk away from uncomfortable situations not understanding if it was a true assault, which can lead to a lot of self-doubt. You are 100% not alone in those feelings. You have a right to your own body and no one should be able to make you feel violated. None of the terrible things that happened to you are your fault, and we are here for you!

    sam

  8. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Zelda I am so sorry your ex-partner had violated you. Since he pressured you into sex it was not I. I know domestic violence is a scary situation. We are here for you and if you need someone to talk with keep us updated. We are here for you.

  9. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there, zelda,

    I do believe that this can be categorized as an assault. You very clearly didn’t want to have sex with him, and he pressured you on anyway. Having taken pills as well, it sounds like you never consented to him while sober. It’s understandable that you are struggling to come to terms with this event and decide how you would define it, especially since you shared a commitment with this person. Domestic violence is kind of tricky like that. I’m so sorry you had these painful experiences with someone you thought you could trust. We’re here for you if you need any kind of support, and we stand by you in whatever decision you come to!

  10. Jess Volunteer

    I just replied to one of your updates, so sorry for the double response!

    I’m so sorry that you experienced this with your fiancé and others. You didn’t deserve for this to happen to you. Having someone you love and trust harm you is incredibly difficult to deal with and I’m sorry that you had to deal with that.

    Your thoughts on what happened to you are important. Did you give consent? Did you want to have sex with him? Your interpretation on what happened to you is vital to this situation. If you feel violated, then it was not a consensual experience.

    If you need anything else, we are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  11. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hi Zelda,

    Thanks for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry you had to experience this. It is incredibly difficult when you deeply care for someone and that person may have hurt you – and you don’t really know. To me, it doesn’t sound consensual. I’m really sorry he repeatedly disrespected you and did what he wanted to anyway – that is not okay and you did not deserve that. Stay strong my friend.

    All love and support,
    Bre

  12. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi zelda,

    Thank you for sharing with us! It is not always an easy thing to do. You are so strong and brave for doing so! I would generally think that anytime you do not want to have sex you always have the right to say no. What happened was not okay, but it is most important what you think about what happened, not what we think. We are here for you and we are on your side! Come back as often as you would like.

    Stay strong,
    -Natalie

  13. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi zelda,
    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you had to go through that. What he did was definitely not okay. If you were afraid and didn’t want to have sex at that time, he should have respected that. It was not okay for him to pressure you or give you pills to get what he wanted. If you need anything, we’re always here for you.

  14. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    Thank you for sharing with us, I am so sorry for what you have been through. What happened was absolutely not ok and you did not deserve it. Thank you for coming back and sharing with us, we are always here for you. Be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  15. zelda Volunteer

    Solongago,

    I’m currently in recovery. I’m taking medication to treat my heroin addiction, in a group for opiate addicts, and in therapy. I appreciate your comments. You’re absolutely right; drug abuse worsens your self image. And you don’t always pick the best relationships, whether they’re romantic or not. But I’m trying to get better and I definitely don’t want my past to define me.

    1. Kayla Volunteer

      Zelda,

      I commend you for working so hard to re-shape your life and your story. Recovery can be difficult but you deserve to feel healthy, happy and well.

    2. Solongago

      You are very strong to work on these things. You have survived and no, your past should not define you. But unless we understand how our past drives our behavior and how we think, we can’t make the changes we need to, to get to that healthier place. So, our past does define us, until we make a conscious effort to understand and take our self back, to challenge how we think and to change habits and behavior. You’re doing this stuff, and you should be proud of every bit of progress that you are making.

  16. Solongago

    There is absolutely no excuse for a man to have sex with a woman who does not want to, or who is incapacitated to the extent that she cannot give consent.

    You’ve been through a lot in your young life, and no one should judge you.

    There is a common thread in many of your posts, where alcohol or drugs have been present when horrible things happened to you. And, if you had a strong, loving family of origin, you wouldn’t have had a job stripping at 18, and you wouldn’t have been homeless. You may not have needed to be in rehab, but sometimes addictions take on a life of their own.

    Folks who have been physically, sexually, or severely emotionally/verbally abused often come away with a self-image issue or many. One thing that happens is that we are often attracted to people who also have these same problems. When folks feel good about themselves, they tend to project that to those around them, they attract folks that feel good about them, and they tend to make it clear, not necessarily with words, what they will and will not accept, behaviorwise. When we have self-image issues, we sometimes continue to be victimized because we feel we deserve to be treated badly, or because we put ourselves at risk, do risky behaviors, whether to reenact abuse or because we feel helpless to change, I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. Sometimes we confuse sex with love. There are so many theories, and they are probably all true for some folks and untrue for others.

    I am not blaming you for what happened to you. But can working with a trained and experienced, good therapist, help you to improve your internal workings, so that you start believing that you deserve better, that you can succeed, that you can be free of abusive relationships, that you can be on your own and only accept people who build you up? I think it can. I think that maybe you have to work on your addictions alongside this, and that will be terribly hard and painful. But there is hope that way. The addictive cycle, where you abstain, then fall and begin using again, and then have guilt and shame, which will drive the addictions even further — this ruins your self-image. I think that you have to go in understanding that you might slide a few times, but to get back up on that wagon, and work your program, regardless.

    It seems like you drink and use (when you use) to cover the pain of what has happened or is happening to you; that drives you even lower so that you use even more, and allow more. You are also surrounding yourself with friends who, like you, don’t feel good about themselves, don’t believe they deserve good things, and only feel “good” when they are using. Which means, you need to find new people who will support you and not drag you down.

    The thing is, that you probably were driven to the initial guilt/shame spiral through false guilt — no fault of your own. We believe we are to blame, when we aren’t. And then we get ourselves into messes, addictions, and such, which just complicate things. I am sorry if I overstepped the line and assumed some things. What he did was not ok, and not your fault, but you can work through this stuff and come to a better place. You are so young and have a lifetime in front of you, and choices. I know it is hard to see them clearly sometimes.

  17. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    If you didn’t want something to happen to you that happened, than that is not okay. Pressuring you to have sex with him was not okay. Given you drugs to make you more amenable is not okay. I’m so sorry this happened. Thank you for continuing to share with us-we are here for you.

    Erin

  18. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    What he did was not okay. Just because you were scared does not mean that drugging you would help. He should have waited for you to be completely ready. I’m sorry that he did that to you and that you have been through so much with him. I’m happy that he is out of your life, even if it means that he had to die just to get out. If you need anything else we are always here for you. Thank you for trusting and sharing so much with us.
    -Alyssa