Seventh post

Things have been really good!

Not tonight though, through no ones fault but my own, because i decided to search out any documentary i could about sexual abuse and wound up watching The Monster of Mangotiti (or something like that), and i knew i was being triggered by it very early on, but for whatever reason i struggle so hard to feel good empathy so watching feel good movies or comedies dont do very much, its hard to empathize with happiness, its only when i watch something so seriously messed up i can make myself feel something, however its always so bad its really not worth it, maybe it would be better to just be emotionless all the time?

That wasnt the point of this post though, it was originally, but then i decided that if the movie made me feel so bad, and stuck my brain back in that bad place that its so hard to get it back out of, id rather just ramble for a while about some good things that have been making me happy!

First, my therapist and I talked about our schedule and decided ive been doing so much better and made so much improvement that ive gone from seeing her every week to every two weeks! yay! ive been in weekly therapy for a little over a year, roughly about how long ive actually be working through all my trauma in therapy, so its incredible to see this improvement and know she believes in me and my strength and ability to cope that i dont have to see her every single week anymore! it makes me feel so good about myself, and like i know i can get through this if ive already made this much progress!

second, i want to say my new puppy is doing really well, even if my mom has spoiled him rotten lol we ended up naming him Bruno (I like to call him Bruno Paws, cuz much like Bruno Mars hes very small yet still very handsome lol) and having him around has been really nice too! Hes a puppy so hes very rambunctious, but when im alone i can at least play with him, and i try to talk to him about things when im upset but he tends to just bite me on the nose and try to play so hes not exactly a good listener lol either way, i can definitely vouch that everyone should get a little animal of some sort for comfort lol

I went out with a friend too! We went to an event together for a few days with a couple other friends, and it was so much fun! we competed in a contest and won, which was super exciting and a major self esteem boost. i even saw my ex girlfriend there and was confident and okay!

Lastly, my boyfriend has been just…incredible. Hes so kind and caring and listens to me and he keeps planning so much vacations and taking me to such awesome places and he just wants to make me happy, and ive never had a partner before who actually treated me like this. He surprised me the other day with tickets to see my favorite band later this month! My coworkers are so confused, i never went out this much or too so much time off last year lol i think everyone can tell such a big difference in my attitude and a lot of it is being around him! Hes really just the best, to the point weve only been together for like.. 2 months? and were both like fighting the urge to rush things and move in together. He just makes me so happy and is such an incredible backbone in my support system right now. 

So yeah! Things still get rough, and im still struggling sometimes, and i still get a little paranoid, and triggers are still there, but im doing so well right now! im proud of myself and im doing better than i have in a very very long time. 

i hope everyone else is doing alright as well!


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18 comments

  1. mkyuellig Volunteer

    HI soundscape,

    I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been doing well overall. Regarding the seeking out trauma related media – I kind of do that as well, and from what I understand that’s pretty common among survivors. I think it’s really good that you’re aware of how and why you are seeking this media out. As long as it doesn’t cause you to completely spiral, or leave you in a dark or dangerous mental space, there’s nothing wrong with it, and it can actually be a means to process and cope with your own trauma. Be honest with yourself about what kind of media helps and what makes things worse. For instance I love watching Law and Order SVU, but other more graphic scenes of assault can be too much for me. It’s all about knowing yourself.

    That’s awesome that you’ve moved from weekly to biweekly appointments – that’s such a big step, congrats! I can really tell with each post that you have been putting a lot of work into taking care of yourself emotionally and mentally, and you should be proud of how far you have come. Also – You have to send us puppy pics!

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  2. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    It’s wonderful to hear you’re doing well. That’s quite an accomplishment moving from weekly to biweekly appointments. As far as seeking out the documentaries, remember that recovery is a journey and having a small setback doesn’t mean failure. It’s totally okay to have bad days as you continue to heal. You’re still heading in the right direction. Bruno Paws sounds adorable. lol. I love his name. 🙂

    Take care,
    Becca

  3. colton95 Volunteer

    My traumatic experience happened over three years ago and I still get paranoid. Sometimes at night I have to turn on my phone brightness to its highest and survey my room even though I know that I’m the only one in there. But I am glad that you are doing better and staying strong. Please continue to persevere and I hope you are doing good as well!

  4. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Thanks for updating us . I am so glad that you are doing well. I am so proud of you for getting out of your comfort zone. I love the Name of Bruno paws so adorable. The best thing would be to limit the movies that triggers you and find another outliet to help you. It is amazing how far you have come and keep on going friend!

  5. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thanks for updating us. I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing so well! I’m so proud of you – for getting out of your shell, for lessening how often you see your therapist… for everything! I think Bruno Paws is such a cute name, and I promise he will become a better listener the older he gets! You just gotta give him a little bit of time 🙂 I’m so happy that you have such great things going on right now.

    I’m sure you’ve talked to your therapist about watching those movies – have they given any suggestions on how to feel things without triggering yourself? Like Jess said, it’s probably best to limit how often you watch those movies and it’s vital to take mental health breaks, but it’s incredible that you were able to take a step back and think of all of the positives.

    You’re an inspiration. Keep doing you!
    Marissa

  6. Jess Volunteer

    Those types of movies are so hard to watch. It’s amazing that you were able to recognize that you were being triggered and take the time to think of all the positive things happening right now to get your mind off of it though! Using gratitude and positivity can be so incredibly helpful in those moments. Just continue to take breaks for your mental health and try not to watch triggering movies too often.

    I’m so glad to hear that things have been generally really good. The fact that your therapy is stepping down and your relationship is going so well is so amazing to hear! It sounds like you’ve made great strides this year. Keep moving forward!

    Thank you for updating us! If you need anything at all, you know we are always here. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3

  7. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I understand how you feel about the movie. It can be easier to empathize or relate to something when its subject matter is close to our heart. Sometimes it can be triggering, and it can be helpful to take breaks from watching those things in order to care for ourselves.
    I’m glad that you’re doing well! I’m so happy that your boyfriend and therapist have been supporting and believing in you. It’s incredible to have such great people (and pets!) around you. It’s amazing that you’re proud of yourself and that you’re doing better.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re glad to hear from you, and I hope you keep making progress. You’ve got this, and you’re doing great!

  8. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m happy things have been good. I’m happy things are going in your favor. About the movie, I always try to watch movies about this subject and its just a hard subject in general. I had to stop watching them too. I recently started watching all the marvel movies, which if you want to watch movies you should watch them. It will help keep your mind off of wanting to watch sexual assault movies too because the action shots are really cool.
    Congratulations on therapy! You have come such a long way. I’m so proud of you. Continue to stay strong. If you need anything we are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  9. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hey there,

    First off thank you for the update! It sounds like you’re making such amazing progress and I’m so happy to hear that! I’m glad you have a supportive boyfriend and therapist that has helped you make strives. I can’t wait to hear about all the progress you make next time you share with us. Stay strong and keep working and making progress.

    -Brianna

  10. brodie_james

    Hello, friend!

    Wow! It sounds like you’re rocking it out! Thank you so much for the update; it sounds like even if things still get a little shaky now and then, you’re able to work through it on your own. That’s absolutely incredible!! I’m so glad you have supportive people around you like your boyfriend, your friends, and your therapist (and your puppy!!) who encourage you to focus on the happy things in life, even when you are struggling. Congratulations on making the progress you have in therapy; I know that it can be so hard to process trauma so I’m so happy that you are seeing positive changes in your life. This is all so wonderful to hear! This is all a testament to your strength, your courage, and your resilience to never give up on yourself and to keep fighting for what you deserve!

    Thank you so much for sharing your progress with us. Please know we’re always here to support you, through good times and bad, whenever you need us.

    Cheers!
    Brodie

  11. Lizzi Volunteer

    Hey Soundscape,
    It makes me so happy to hear how well things are going overall for you. There will always be tough days… that’s just part of life. But it sounds like the good days are much more often than the bad and that’s so awesome! Great news about your progress in therapy. Therapy can seem like such a slow process sometimes but if you really give it a chance like you did, at some point you’ll look back and realize how far you’ve come. I love the name of your new puppy! Animals are literally the greatest things ever because they give such unconditional love. I have a dog named Slim and sometimes I call him Slim Shady but hopefully your pup enjoys the nickname more than mine! Your support system sounds so great right now and I bet they’re fun on the good days and so helpful on the rough days. Keep on living life and enjoying what you’re doing… sounds like things are definitely looking up!

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  12. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there!

    I’m happy to hear that your therapy is going well! Congrats! you are making really great improvements. It sounds like your puppy has really helped comfrot you which is great as well. Your boyfriend sounds very caring, and it’s fantastic that things are working out so well for you too. You deserve someone that is supportive and caring. You should absolutely be proud of yourslef! Thank you for coming back to update us. Stay strong.

    Carmen

  13. Jordan L Volunteer

    Hey there,
    Thank you for the update! I’m guilty of doing the same thing. I find myself watching sexual assault documentaries too or documentaries along those lines, then it makes me upset. I always thought for the longest time that it would be better to be emotionless so I wouldn’t get hurt anymore. Now being able to actually feel happy after my own therapy and still in the process of healing from my truama, I can see beauty in the world.

    I’m so glad to hear you have made some improvements! That’s great! I’m also glad to hear you have such a great support system in your current boyfriend. Healing will continue to be a rollercoaster process. We are all proud of you, you should be proud of yourself as well!

    Feel free to contiune to keep us updated!

    -Jordan

  14. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m so glad to hear about all these great things that you have updated us on! It’s okay that things are still rough-that’s the healing process. It definitely isn’t fun and it sucks, but you’re working at it and it sounds like you have a lot of support, which you deserve! Let us know if there is anything else we can do to support you!

    Erin

  15. Amysue43 Volunteer

    It seems that you have really turned things around! Congratulations! These are huge accomplishments! Even though you watched a movie that you wish you hadn’t, you have learned the proper skills and have the ability to reassure yourself and your thoughts. We are so proud of you and are grateful that you have updated us on your progress! We hope to hear more from you soon!

    Stay strong Soundscape!

  16. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thank you for coming back and updating us on your story! I am so glad to hear that things, in general, have been really good. I agree I find it really hard to watch happy movies or comedies when I’m feeling down. For me, that goes for music as well! It’s great to hear that you and your therapist have been making a schedule, seeing the progress must be so amazing! Sounds like you have a lot of good things going for you between your friends, the puppy, and your boyfriend. I love to hear all this good news!

    Tyler

  17. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Soundscape!

    That’s awesome! I’m glad you are doing so well and have so many cool things going on in your life! You should be so proud of all of the progress you have made. You’re killing it. If anything, I would talk to your therapist about the documentary you watched and maybe why you seek out watching things like that? But I have to say, it’s shows great strength and incredible coping skills that you have decided to focus on positive things that are happening instead of dwelling on the negatives. Way to go!

    Much love,
    Megan

  18. Graciegrace22 Volunteer

    Hello,

    I am super glad to hear you feel like you are in a better place. It is okay to have bad days as we are only human. Just remember what happened to you was never your fault. I hope you are able to continue to grow and aspire from all of this.