Second post

I want to start off saying how completely touched i am by the support ive recieved here. I was very nervous, fully expecting a message from moderators asking me to edit or delete anything too upsetting or in too much detail and the amount of people telling me over and over that i could freely tell what happened to me in anyway i felt comfortable doing was so touching and incredible. 

I guess the other thing i wanted to talk about is my dissatisfaction with those around me who should have protected me and many ignored all the warning signs, or at worst contributed. 

I hold my elementary school counselor at fault for one of the greatest red flags that went ignored. Before i me tion this, i do want to correct myself in my first post, i think i said i was “like 6 or 7” in my first post, but that was definitely a mistake, when i retell this story the timeline can get very jumbled, but this was between kindergarten and 2nd grade, so for roughly 3 years this went on, so from 5 yrs old to about 7 years old.

Anyway, when i was kindergarten i got caught doing sexual favors for other girls in class. It was nap time and there were a couple other girls who had sort of hoarded all the best pillows in the back, so i went to them to ask for one, and told them i could perform oral sex on them as payment (i cant imagine i uses those words tho) and they didnt know what it was, so they were taking their pants off when the teacher found us and asked what was going on, and i very openly explained i wanted a better pillow, so i was going to pay for it. They sent me to the counselor several times after that where my counselor concluded a 5 yr old not only knew how to do oral but assumed it was a common form of payment for things because…my parents sometimes said they wanted a divorce. If you can figure that line of reasoning out, please let me know…

Next i wonder about the rest of my family. All of my dads side knew about my moms substance abuse. All of my moms side knew about my dads controlling behavior and alcoholism. Everyone knew everything about them. They watched my older brother drop out of high school and live on the streets doing cocaine instead of living with those two, and they decided i was totally safe and fine in that house, even after my dad went to jail for picking my beither up by the throat and throwing him out of the house. No one ever called cps. Ever. I know i repressed a lot of shit, but still, i dont ever remember anyone coming to my house to ask me if i was safe. No one ever showed up to find out how in the hell my mom ended up with two black eyes at the same time or constantly covered in bruises and scars, a real toss up between my dad or the pain pills that made her fall over the place. But hey, i looked fine, so whatever i guess. 

Obviously, i ultimately blame the men who actually hurt me. I used to blame A until i understood he was a victim too. I used to blame As mom, but ultimately i know she was a victim too. In the end, the men who raped me are the only one who are truly at fault for it, but i cant help but wonder how much would have been avoided if any of the red flags had picked up on. 

But they were missed, so im relying on the same person now who got me through it all then. Myself. 

I also wanted to clarify something from my first post, the groups i was in before who did not want me to speak very openly abt my abuse were online group chats of survivors, and when i spoke in too much detail, i was basically backlisted with no explaination of what happened until i dug around and asked reptatively why i was being ignored. So it wasnt exactly an actual group therapy, it was just group chats of survivors. 

I also wanted to clarify i do have a wonderful therapist right now! she is a sexual abuse therapy list with expierence with dissociative identity disorder so she really knows what shes doing and has helped me cope with this so much. 

I wanna say again how much appreciate this site and this community and all the incredibly kind and sincere people here. I hope you are all happy and safe. 

Thanks again. Stay safe. 


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22 comments

  1. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Thank you so much for coming back , know that everything that has happened none of it is your fault at all. I’m sorry the ones around you weren’t there like they should be, but I’m glad to hear you have a new therapist who is helping you and is there for you that’s such amazing thing to have support. Please know we will always be here for you and can’t wait to hear from you again. We believe in you , stay strong and don’t stop fighting.

    Brianna

  2. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,
    Im so happy you came back to share! None of what has happened was your fault. I’m sorry those red flags were not looked at and given attention when they should of. I’m sorry those adults were not there for you like they should of been. I’m happy to hear your with a new therapist who is helping you! That’s amazing! Please feel free to come back any time you need we will be here!
    Kailey

  3. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry so much had happened to you. You didn’t deserve one bit of that and I hope you know that none of that defines you. I’m sure you were very confused and worried with the events that happened with your family. I’m sure there were feelings of isolation and frustration when looking back at these experiences. I would expect that you are angry with those who didn’t notice and basically being invisible to those who you thought cared or should care about you. I’m sorry about all of this. You are so strong and I hope you continue to feel comfortable in sharing your stories with us. We are here to support you and validate all of your feelings. Please feel free to update us on your thoughts and concerns.

    Stay strong! 🙂

  4. Megan Volunteer

    Hey soundscape,

    Thank you for updating us! I wish I had something more eloquent to say, but honestly it just plain sucks that the people that should have been protecting you failed to do that. There were clearly a lot of times where things got looked over and that really shows a lot of faults in the system and that totally wasn’t fair to you. I’m glad that you are seeing a great therapist now! That’s awesome! I’m also happy that you feel you can talk to us here!

    Stay strong,
    Megan

  5. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,
    I’m so glad you gave us an update and that you’re working through everything with a therapist! I’m sorry that all these red flags were ignored. In your story, there’s so many times that someone should have noticed and stepped in to do something about it. I hate to blame society but I think sometimes we all get so wrapped up in our own lives that we don’t always notice the red flags in the people around us. Even people that are literally there to protect us, like CPS or school staff, get busy and miss things. I hate that this happened to you and caused so much pain and I think it shows just how much we need to be there for each other and notice these things so maybe we can help prevent it from happening to someone else. I’m glad that you’ve found a safe place to share your story and I hope you continue to heal from this.

    Much hope,
    LIzzi

  6. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    It’s great to hear from you again. You’re right–it’s awful and very concerning that not one adult in your life stepped in during your childhood despite the clear signs that something’s wrong. Thank you for your clarifications about your experiences with being in an online group chat for survivors. It’s unfair that you were just blacklisted without being told what was wrong. It’s great to hear that you are seeing a therapist right now, and I’m wishing you nothing but the best. Please feel free to share with us again, if you feel like you might need it. Take care.

    Edjay

  7. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Soundscape,

    Thanks for the update! Please feel free to write anytime. I’m so glad you found your way to AVFTI, and that we can continue to help you through your healing journey.

    It is often difficult to look back and realize how many red flags were missed. I’m sorry that so many adults in charge of keeping you safe dropped the ball that way.

    I’m glad you’ve found a wonderful therapist. It sounds like you’re doing great on your path to recovery. Please feel free to write again and share more of your story with us. We’re here for you.

  8. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    Thank you so much fro writing back. I’m happy our comments could help you. Your story will never go uncommented on. You can say anything you want on here and it will never get taken down or ask you to edit it. We are hear to listen, believe, and validate. I’m sorry that the people who were supposed to help you didn’t help you. I promise we will do our best to always help you when you write in.
    Thank you for updating us. If you need anything else please let us know.
    -Alyssa

  9. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Thank you for keeping us updated. We appreciate you and how you are healing from trauma. Keep us updated and if you need anything we are here.

  10. rkr18 Volunteer

    Soundscape,

    Thank you the updates. We appreciate you and how you are healing from this trauma. Please continue to keep us updated. If you need anything, please let us know. We are here because we truly care!
    -Marie

  11. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that the adults who were tasked with keeping you safe failed and ignored all of those red flags. I am also sorry that you were sensored in your other online community of survivors. Your story is yours to tell, however you feel comfortable sharing. Your story doesn’t conform to someone else’s comfort level. That isn’t fair to YOU and the story is yours!

    I’m glad to hear that you felt heard here at AVFTI. I love that you have a therapist that specializes in the assistance that you need, that’s amazing and so rare. It’s great to hear that you’re walking down your path to healing. It’s a long road, but you’ll get there. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3 In the meantime, if there's anything else we can do for you, please let us know. We are always here and we believe you!
    -Jess

  12. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Soundscape,

    I’m so sorry to hear again that the people who were supposed to protect you, ignored all those red flags. They failed you, but they made you into the strong woman you are today. However, it’s still not fair that it happened, regardless of the outcome.

    Thanks for giving us an update! It warms my heart that you found so much solace in AVFTI. Your outlook on what happened to you is absolutely incredible. You keep showing us how strong you are, and I’m so proud of you 🙂

    I’m so excited that you found such a great therapist!! She sounds like a perfect fit for you, and that is so important to help you heal. Please let us know if we can do anything to help you. We support you!!

    Marissa

  13. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Soundscape,
    Thank you for coming back to share more of your story with us. I read your posts back to back and decided to respond to both here. You are strong and resilient and it is good to know that you feel heard here at AVFTI. Your story is yours to tell in a way that helps you feel better, not keeps the listener comfortable. You have put in a lot of work to be able to share your story and to get the point of healing that you are at.
    I am SO sorry that you were not protected by adults that held the responsibility to keep you safe. It is good to hear that you have an awesome therapist and that you are in a safe place. Please feel free to write to us as often as you would like and let us know if there is anything we can do to help you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  14. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Soundscape,
    Thank you for sharing more of your story. I think people should have looked into those red flags, and I’m so sorry that those were ignored. That is definitely negligence on their part, and you should have been protected. I’m also sorry that the people in the group chats ignored you without explanation. It can be difficult to ask for help, and when we’re ignored, it can be so much harder to ask for help in the future.
    However, I’m proud of you for getting help through therapy, and I’m so happy that she’s helping you so much. You’re such a strong person, and I am confident that you can find ways to cope with everything. We’ll always be here for you, and we’re so glad that you’re sharing your story. If there’s anything we can help you with, please let us know. You can do this.

  15. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m glad you have a wonderful therapist who is helping-I know therapy has helped me so much in my healing process. I know that feeling, of being angry at others who didn’t protect you. I’ve felt that before. I’m still feeling it, in some ways. It’s okay to feel that way, and let it out in therapy and here. I think that’s part of the process. Come back to share whenever you would like. Thanks for sharing more with us.

    Erin

  16. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for coming back to our site and updating us. I am so sorry for all that you have been through, but we are here to support you. We want you to feel comfortable sharing with us. You don’t have to censor yourself here because we want you to feel safe and comfortable sharing with us. Please let us know if there is anything more we can do for you.

    Best,
    Carmen

  17. Juliana331 Volunteer

    Thank you for coming back to update us. You are definitely welcome to openly share here. The red flags were there. There were people who should have questioned your circumstances. I’m sorry no one stepped in to really listen and see things for what they were. I’m so happy you have a great therapist now. We are all hear to listen and support you.

  18. andyspringer Volunteer

    Thank you for your update! I know the stigma is that muddled details could potentially mean something doesn’t add up… that does not apply here. We completely understand and appreciate it every time you are brave enough to open up. Like what has been said before, none of what happened is your fault. I am glad you recognized what was going on in A’s life because sometimes empathy and understanding are essential on the road to healing. There’s not a one size fits all for the healing process, but any progress is good progress. I am so glad you have found a wonderful therapist! And I am equally glad that you’ve found this community full of amazing people. We’re all on your side!

    Always,
    Andy

  19. Melody Volunteer

    It’s so frustrating when the people around you who are supposed to protect and support you aren’t listening, and for a sexual abuse survivors group chat to shut you out like that. You deserve an outlet where you feel invited to share your story as it is. I’m so glad you found us here as a place to be open, and that you’ve connected with a good therapist! Your resilience in handling everything that’s happened is amazing. ♥

  20. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Hey soundscape,

    Thanks so much for the update. When I first read your story, I have to admit, I had the very same thought “where were this kids parents/teachers/counselors/family members?” I am so so sorry that the adults in your life let you down, in what seems like every possible way. As a counselor myself, I see so many instances in which home checks should have been done, conversations with parents should have been done, and CPS should have been called. The incident you described that happened in kindergarten should have been a major red flag. I’m sorry that the people that were supposed to protect you failed you. Stories like yours have become all too common, and we are hearing so many of them now that survivors are old enough and articulate enough to share what happened to them. I hope that we as a society are recognizing where we have failed, and where we can improve so that we can stop these things from happening. Thank you again for sharing your story. I hope it has brought you a little bit of peace. I believe the story that you shared will help to protect the children of the future.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself
    Keight

  21. Gamato04 Volunteer

    Thank you for coming back with this update. It is great to hear you have such a great therapist. I hope you know that nothing was your fault. I also hope that now you feel like you are in a safe living environment. Please continue to update us.

  22. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for keeping us updated! We are always here for you and will forever be a place for you to be open. I am so sorry that you had that experience in the online group chats. You should not have been cut off that way from people who are supposed to be helping you. I am so glad to hear that you have a great therapist! We wish you the best of luck in your healing with her! We are always here for you as well; stay strong <3