I want to start off saying how completely touched i am by the support ive recieved here. I was very nervous, fully expecting a message from moderators asking me to edit or delete anything too upsetting or in too much detail and the amount of people telling me over and over that i could freely tell what happened to me in anyway i felt comfortable doing was so touching and incredible.
I guess the other thing i wanted to talk about is my dissatisfaction with those around me who should have protected me and many ignored all the warning signs, or at worst contributed.
I hold my elementary school counselor at fault for one of the greatest red flags that went ignored. Before i me tion this, i do want to correct myself in my first post, i think i said i was “like 6 or 7” in my first post, but that was definitely a mistake, when i retell this story the timeline can get very jumbled, but this was between kindergarten and 2nd grade, so for roughly 3 years this went on, so from 5 yrs old to about 7 years old.
Anyway, when i was kindergarten i got caught doing sexual favors for other girls in class. It was nap time and there were a couple other girls who had sort of hoarded all the best pillows in the back, so i went to them to ask for one, and told them i could perform oral sex on them as payment (i cant imagine i uses those words tho) and they didnt know what it was, so they were taking their pants off when the teacher found us and asked what was going on, and i very openly explained i wanted a better pillow, so i was going to pay for it. They sent me to the counselor several times after that where my counselor concluded a 5 yr old not only knew how to do oral but assumed it was a common form of payment for things because…my parents sometimes said they wanted a divorce. If you can figure that line of reasoning out, please let me know…
Next i wonder about the rest of my family. All of my dads side knew about my moms substance abuse. All of my moms side knew about my dads controlling behavior and alcoholism. Everyone knew everything about them. They watched my older brother drop out of high school and live on the streets doing cocaine instead of living with those two, and they decided i was totally safe and fine in that house, even after my dad went to jail for picking my beither up by the throat and throwing him out of the house. No one ever called cps. Ever. I know i repressed a lot of shit, but still, i dont ever remember anyone coming to my house to ask me if i was safe. No one ever showed up to find out how in the hell my mom ended up with two black eyes at the same time or constantly covered in bruises and scars, a real toss up between my dad or the pain pills that made her fall over the place. But hey, i looked fine, so whatever i guess.
Obviously, i ultimately blame the men who actually hurt me. I used to blame A until i understood he was a victim too. I used to blame As mom, but ultimately i know she was a victim too. In the end, the men who raped me are the only one who are truly at fault for it, but i cant help but wonder how much would have been avoided if any of the red flags had picked up on.
But they were missed, so im relying on the same person now who got me through it all then. Myself.
I also wanted to clarify something from my first post, the groups i was in before who did not want me to speak very openly abt my abuse were online group chats of survivors, and when i spoke in too much detail, i was basically backlisted with no explaination of what happened until i dug around and asked reptatively why i was being ignored. So it wasnt exactly an actual group therapy, it was just group chats of survivors.
I also wanted to clarify i do have a wonderful therapist right now! she is a sexual abuse therapy list with expierence with dissociative identity disorder so she really knows what shes doing and has helped me cope with this so much.
I wanna say again how much appreciate this site and this community and all the incredibly kind and sincere people here. I hope you are all happy and safe.
Thanks again. Stay safe.