It was January 7, 1976 when I got physically sick in school, I was in first grade, and when my grandmother had to pick me up she was very upset with me telling me my mother should have aborted me, to where she told me she was going to pay my mother a large amount of money if she left me in the hospital, she even offered to pay for the abortion.
Because of her anger once we got home she left me alone until that evening I still remember me backing up from her as she came after me slapping my face hard up to 50 times, I remember that cause between the sobs I counted each and every slap
At the same time all I ever wanted is to be close to my mother, but that wasn’t happening for if she wasn’t working she would tell me that if I don’t behave she would send me away, at 8 that scared me so I did what I was told
In 1977 and ’78 I had two grand mal seizures which led to them telling me I’m nothing hut a burden and if I wasn’t there my mother would enjoy her life, while my grandmother said I killed my grandfather by being there which caused him to have a heart attack, I began sleepwalking at night, wetting the bed, and oh the nightmares I had it was a terrifying time in my life
In 1979 my grandmother took me to the mall and told me to go and look at the toys while she shopped next door the problem was she always told me if I get lost she would leave me and go home. I went looking for her couldn’t find her then I walked 4 miles home, I still don’t know how I did it.
That same day my mother brings home a man who turned out to be my step father and see abuser and by 1981 I was raped, then sexually abused which I tried to hide my feelings and be strong but I couldn’t
When everybody found out in school what happened another form of abuse took place
One day I walked into the bathroom to only see my rapist with his buddies one of them pushed me against the wall while the rapist urinated on me, my pants were soaked around the zipper area as I walked back to class I stood in the corner out of shame, teacher said sit down when I turned around everyone started screaming and laughing at me. I remember kids were flying everywhere cause they thought I was disgusting, I remember jumping on tops of desks to get to my desk which was in the back of the room. When I got home my mother had heard what happened just looked at me and said what the hell have I done to have a child so fucked up in the brain, then she walked away.
About the same time at home while my mother was gone my step father asked me regarding the rape do you want me to out my penis in your ass?, I said no he then told me that he’s going to show me what it really feels like, I just froze just when he unzipped his pants my mother came home, my step father then jumped away fro me and while his pants were still unzipped he pushed my mother on the table and raped her in front of me. That there was the most horrifying experience I have ever seen, I still can’t get that picture out of my mind.
In 1992 my grandma had died leaving me her house which was paid for 30,000.00 dollars in a like a trust fund plus 30000.00 in cash and by the end of 1993 my step father blew at least 25,000.00 on crack in addition to that we went through 5 cars that year, cause my step father would sell them for drugs
In 1998 my mother continued belittling me telling me that she wished she had a son instead of as she called me a pussy. That hurt how could she even call me that, it really did hurt cause all I ever wanted is to be close to my mother, to have a mother son relationship
In 2010 I was in the hospital cause of a stroke and the nurse put a catheter in me so I didn’t have to get out of bed, it hurt so much that I was crying and screaming, when she found that out she told me he was ashamed of me
Throughout my 50 years I have had so many roadblocks in my life, so many that I see where I’ve become strong even though my body is failing me, another roadblock in my life. Only this one isn’t going to break me, I have been broken so many times and yet I rise up every time. So again we must never ever give up but rise up and get the help you need, I won’t give up