Roadblocks in life

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It was January 7, 1976 when I got physically sick in school, I was in first grade, and when my grandmother had to pick me up she was very upset with me telling me my mother should have aborted me, to where she told me she was going to pay my mother a large amount of money if she left me in the hospital, she even offered to pay for the abortion.

Because of her anger once we got home she left me alone until that evening I still remember me backing up from her as she came after me slapping my face hard up to 50 times, I remember that cause between the sobs I counted each and every slap

At the same time all I ever wanted is to be close to my mother, but that wasn’t happening for if she wasn’t working she would tell me that if I don’t behave she would send me away, at 8 that scared me so I did what I was told

In 1977 and ’78 I had two grand mal seizures which led to them telling me I’m nothing hut a burden and if I wasn’t there my mother would enjoy her life, while my grandmother said I killed my grandfather by being there which caused him to have a heart attack, I began sleepwalking at night, wetting the bed, and oh the nightmares I had it was a terrifying time in my life

In 1979 my grandmother took me to the mall and told me to go and look at the toys while she shopped next door the problem was she always told me if I get lost she would leave me and go home. I went looking for her couldn’t find her then I walked 4 miles home, I still don’t know how I did it.

That same day my mother brings home a man who turned out to be my step father and see abuser and by 1981 I was raped, then sexually abused which I tried to hide my feelings and be strong but I couldn’t

When everybody found out in school what happened another form of abuse took place

One day I walked into the bathroom to only see my rapist with his buddies one of them pushed me against the wall while the rapist urinated on me, my pants were soaked around the zipper area as I walked back to class I stood in the corner out of shame, teacher said sit down when I turned around everyone started screaming and laughing at me. I remember kids were flying everywhere cause they thought I was disgusting, I remember jumping on tops of desks to get to my desk which was in the back of the room. When I got home my mother had heard what happened just looked at me and said what the hell have I done to have a child so fucked up in the brain, then she walked away.

About the same time at home while my mother was gone my step father asked me regarding the rape do you want me to out my penis in your ass?, I said no he then told me that he’s going to show me what it really feels like, I just froze just when he unzipped his pants my mother came home, my step father then jumped away fro me and while his pants were still unzipped he pushed my mother on the table and raped her in front of me. That there was the most horrifying experience I have ever seen, I still can’t get that picture out of my mind.

In 1992 my grandma had died leaving me her house which was paid for 30,000.00 dollars in a like a trust fund plus 30000.00 in cash and by the end of 1993 my step father blew at least 25,000.00 on crack in addition to that we went through 5 cars that year, cause my step father would sell them for drugs

In 1998 my mother continued belittling me telling me that she wished she had a son instead of as she called me a pussy. That hurt how could she even call me that, it really did hurt cause all I ever wanted is to be close to my mother, to have a mother son relationship

In 2010 I was in the hospital cause of a stroke and the nurse put a catheter in me so I didn’t have to get out of bed, it hurt so much that I was crying and screaming, when she found that out she told me he was ashamed of me

Throughout my 50 years I have had so many roadblocks in my life, so many that I see where I’ve become strong even though my body is failing me, another roadblock in my life. Only this one isn’t going to break me, I have been broken so many times and yet I rise up every time. So again we must never ever give up but rise up and get the help you need, I won’t give up

Join the Conversation


  1. Ashley Day Captain

    “…I have been broken so many times and yet I rise up every time.” I love the optimism at the end of your post and it’s such a great feeling to know that you continue to rise to the occasion, in spite of the bumps you’ve run into along the way. Please never give up.

    It seems like sharing your experiences with us is beneficial for you – You’re always welcome here and I support you 110%.

  2. CarmenR Volunteer

    I’m so happy to hear that your are determined and won’t give up. You are right that you have faced many roadblocks and hardships in life. You did nothing to deserve these experiences, however. You deserved a grandmother and mother who were supportive, and you deserved classmates and a school system that stood up for you and helped you. You have overcome so much, and I can see how strong of an individual you are. Continue to keep fighting and staying strong. You can do this and we are here for you!


  3. Heather GG

    I’m so sorry for everything you have been through

    I hope you continue on the path finding peace in your life. You can find it

    Thank you for sharing your story

  4. Erin Day Captain

    I am glad to see your determination in never giving up. Thank you for coming back to share with us. I am so sorry for everything that you’ve been through-you deserved so much better than what you’ve gotten. Keep fighting-we believe in you.


    1. Helpme1968

      Last night I had hell of a time, the nightmares from everything to me getting raped to having some disease, waking up every on the hour feeling confused, guilty, and disgusting for everything that’s happened to me, at times even waking up crying. I know I did nothing to feel this way, but why after the rape happened so long ago am I still feeling this way?

  5. Kristen Eby

    Hey love. Your strength continues to amaze me. My heart breaks for the pain you’ve experienced and continue to endure, but every time, you end on a positive note. I admire you. I value you. The world needs more people like you in it – your grandmother and mother couldn’t be more wrong.

    It speaks to your intense compassion that despite how she has treated you, you want a relationship with your mother. Unfortunately that may not be possible because of her decisions, but please remind yourself of what that says about you – it says you’re a loving, kind soul.

    Thank you for trusting in us and coming to us with your stories. We’ll always be here to listen, and we believe in you.

    1. Helpme1968

      I spoke to a wonderful friend yesterday who in a sense told me that because of the many horrible things that I’ve endured that you must love God, and I’m still trying to do things right and God must love you cause you here, you help people, and you just keep going. He said watching me is inspiring. So I know what would help me as well, surround myself with people who aren’t toxic and spend as much little time I have with them, not saying I don’t love my mother, cause I do, but I realize that I have to have some sanity in my life, to live my life.

      1. Kristen Eby

        You are absolutely right. Your friend is absolutely right. You are loved, and you deserve to be surrounded by nontoxic people.

  6. Helpme1968