Over a decade ago I was raped and sexually abused. We were in a “relationship” and I was young and naive. The relationship ended and we sort of went our separate ways. We aren’t directly involved in each other’s lives anymore and haven’t been in many years. We do sort of bump into one another occasionally on social media or at other public venues. Enough that we’re aware of one another, but just sort of ignore it. The relationship ended horribly and we haven’t been civil in many, many years. Especially when I first started talking about the abuse and how it impacted my life. That created an entirely new conflict between us outside of whatever abuse transpired during the relationship.

Anyway… the lack of contact and involvement in his life was wonderful as I was healing and coming to terms with the trauma. I wouldn’t have been able to make as much progress if I’d kept in touch with him and he hasn’t made any efforts to grow or even acknowledge what he did to me was abusive. I don’t need nor really want him in my life anymore. Yet, in my random scrolling one afternoon his profile popped up. Curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on it only to find out that he has (had?) Covid. So now I’m stuck in this weird emotional space where I’m not really upset, but I’m not entirely okay either. After everything he put me through during and after the relationship, I have absolutely never wished harm upon him. I’ve been frustrated. I’ve been blinded with rage. I’ve screamed at him and often belittled him for making poor choices, but I’ve never wanted him to get hurt or face death. So I’m not happy that this happened to him. But I’m also not really sad or worried either. We bump into each other a lot, but we haven’t spoken in almost six years and six years ago it was a bitter, ugly fight. He can’t acknowledge what he did to me, nor accept the fact that I’ve ultimately forgiven him for it. Which is fine. Those are his choices to make. As long as he feels that way, there’s no reason to put any effort or energy into keeping in touch. There’s no reason for me to be sad or worried, but I feel something. And I don’t know what that feeling is.

I’ve never considered the fact that I might lose him again if that makes sense. Like I’ve dealt with the end of the relationship and come to terms with the trauma and the abuse but he’s always been there at the fringe edge of my life bickering and fighting and calling me crazy and denying any accusations I’ve made. While it initially really bothered me at the beginning of my healing process, I guess I just got used to it because now it seems really fucking weird that he might not make it back from covid and he might be gone forever.

Of course, he also might be just 100% fine and I’m all over here in my feels for no reason. I don’t know if he’s vaccinated or not. I don’t know if he takes better care of himself than he did 20 years ago or not. Really, I don’t even know if he was telling the truth about being covid positive in the first place. He could have just lied because he didn’t feel like doing whatever he committed to do. It could have even been the bait to get me to react so he could stir up another fight.  

Overall… this entire incident is a huge testament to how far I’ve come in my healing process. Even just three years ago if something bad happened to him I wouldn’t have been able to articulate how I was feeling or maintain any level of composure until I verified if he was going to be okay. Now I’m just kind of like “well good luck, I don’t have the energy. If you die I’ll visit your grave.” Outwardly anyway. Internally a rising tide of emotions will not subside, and I really don’t even know what they are so I have no idea where to begin to deal with them. 

Join the Conversation


  1. adrian Volunteer

    Hey, spooky season-

    You are strong to share your story with us here on AVFTI. It is clear, as you mentioned at the end, that you’ve come a long way in your healing process! It is normal to still feel something toward even someone who abused you. This is just your empathy and it is okay to feel care toward him! This is definitely an opportunity for you to explore these feelings more and how they relate to your current “non-relationship” (for lack of better terminology) with him, and your healing path. Your healing journey is yours alone and it is natural to go one way then another just to find yourself wrangling similar thoughts from years before. I am encouraged by your openness to these feelings and that you are indeed exploring them. This is very productive! Keep exploring those thoughts and identify where you may go from here. Keep fighting the good fight-

    Take care,

  2. Alyssa Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thank you for finding us and trusting us to share your story. As it is, the healing and recovery process can seem confusing, and then tossing in the last year of Covid, I’m sure your emotions felt overwhelming. I’m sorry you had to go through the trauma, and the run ins after the fact, however I want to commend you for your bravery. You have grown past, and have begun your healing from the past trauma. Your feelings during all of this are valid, and remember none of this is your fault. Keep pushing forward, you are doing great!
    Remember, we are always here to listen and support you.
    Sending positive vibes and support.

  3. Lala

    Hi spookyseason,

    Im happy how far you have come in your healing process. It’s unfortunate he cant acknowledge the hurt he has caused you, you must be feeling a lot of mentions right now and its is completely fine. You must be a great person because not many would care or feel some type of way towards the person who has hurt them. You are such a brave person for sharing your story. Stay safe and update us soon.

  4. averagestudent Volunteer

    Hi, spookyseason,
    Covid has made things weird over the past year and I can only imagine what is going through your head when you realize the person that caused your trauma and hurt you has it. I know you might be feeling so many emotions but just remember, by you bettering yourself and focusing on yourself, you have accomplished something big and that is taking control of your story. You are changing the narrative and the fact that you feel some type of way about the news you got means you are a good person and a powerful one as well. Yes, it might be hard that the person that has inflicted all this trauma and hurt was a significant other at some point. But you have to focus on yourself and focus on your healing process. You are brave and smart and I’m glad you are in a safe space in your life where you put yourself first. Please keep us updated and whish you well

  5. hdezcinday07 Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,
    I’m glad that you decided to share your story with us. It is not easy talking about being raped and sexually assaulted and for that Im so proud of you for trusting us about your trauma. It’s always a great step to recognize how you are feeling which you are by telling us about how you found out he had COVID and you couldn’t help buy feel bad for him and that you dont wish him anymore. You are actually considered about how he is doing, which shows that they are a good person. It is common for you to be expierencing all of this emotions towards him since he did cause all of your pain. However, it is good that you see this as a healing process. Don’t hesitate to reach out to us and update us on the situation and your progress.

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi spookyseason,
    I empathize with how you feel right now. It can feel weird to have these conflicting feelings about someone who harmed you. It’s great that you’re doing what’s best for you. I’m glad you’re starting to recognize how you feel, and I think you’ve come really far in your healing process. You’re self aware. You acknowledge how you used to think in the past, and you understand how you’re thinking now. That is a wonderful trait to have.
    Sometimes it can be difficult to define our feelings, especially if they’re complex. When that happens to me, I try to write whatever comes to mind without editing it (stream of consciousness writing). That tends to help me understand how I feel and why, and I can figure out what to do from there. However, understanding these feelings may look different for you, and that’s okay. You can also take this at your own pace.
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. We believe in you, and you’re doing great. I hope you have a wonderful day!

  7. JudithT Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,
    Thank you so much for sharing with us. It certainly sounds like you’ve come a long way in your healing process! It sounds like in just a few years you’ve been able to grow and distance yourself more from this person who hurt you, and I imagine it feels good to be able to recognize that progress. With all of your history of hurt and conflict with him, it makes sense that your internal feelings are complicated, and maybe it isn’t possible for them to be fully articulated, and that’s okay! Complex emotions can definitely be difficult to parse out, and I hope you know you can take all the time you need to figure things out as you continue on your healing journey.
    Wishing you all the best,

  8. Caitlin Volunteer


    Thanks for sharing. Things like this are odd aren’t they? I have had this happen to me before and I have been like “what is all of this!!!” I usually can step back, like you are doing, and look at my growth and get curious what might still be there to work through. I know it’s tricky when you are in those emotions but maybe its to say “yep, I really am through all of that” just to make sure!!

    Either way I think you are doing a great job processing and questioning what might be happening which is more then half of it!


  9. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hello spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I am sorry to hear about the abuse you went through and the fact that he still won’t acknowledge how he treated you. I completely understand the emotional tension you must be feeling. Covid is definitely scary, and you have a right to have mixed feelings. Just try to take things one step at a time. I am glad to hear that for the most part, you do not keep in touch and that this has made you realize how far you have come in your journey towards healing. If you feel yourself confused or lost emotionally, you can remind yourself that maybe this was just a way for you to see your progress. That might help to ground you during all of this. Please feel free to come back and share again.

  10. rvmoss Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,

    I appreciate you sharing you story here with us! I’m sorry he hasn’t made effort to grow or acknowledge what he did to you but I am happy to hear that you made progress in your healing journey. Although he caused you all this trauma, it is normal to feel some type of for someone who is sick that you cared about one point in your life because after my experience, I was in the similar shoes. I want you to know your feelings are valid and however you decide to move forward we are here for you. Take things day by day and I hope you are being gentle with yourself! 💫

  11. tolleytn Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thank you for coming to share your story with us. I totally understand the situation you’re in. After experiencing my own trauma, I found myself wishing ill will upon my abuser and felt guilty about doing so afterward. That is a completely valid reason to feel sad or worried.

    We are all so proud of you for making it this far in your healing journey and will be here for you every step of the way! Feel free to come back and give us an update whenever you’d like. We’re all rooting for you. <3

    – Tiff

  12. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi Spookyseason!
    It makes happy to hear you say that the choices he makes are 100% his choices! I’m glad you can recognize your growth & how far you have come. That alone is a huge step in healing! Yes, It was horrible the trauma he caused you, but I see your strength. I think to take a stand & distancing yourself as you have has proven that you’re better than he is. Good for you! You are a true survivor! It’s normal to think thoughts of him as you do. You had a connection & cared for him. You still could care that’s what makes things tough. There’s nothing wrong with caring about him! Keep on keeping on & taking things day by day! I hear a survivor’s story, but I read about a mighty warrior! You indeed are a warrior!

  13. Dash35

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us and I am sorry that he has never acknowledged your feelings or apologized for any of his actions. Covid has made this world turn upside down and it is okay to still be processing what is going on or not being sure how to feel. Even for a person that hurt you, there is no right or wrong way to feel and I am sure it is hard with all of these emotions coming back out. Knowing that you see him on occasions and that even with Covid you would never wish any harm on him shows that you have grown a lot since the beginning of your healing process. At the end of the day you deserve to be happy and no matter what happens, we here at AVFTI will be here to listen and support you. Thank you again for sharing this story with us.


  14. aegardiner Day Captain

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thank your for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I am so sorry for what happened with your ex and that he has never acknowledged what he did or apologized to you. That must have been so hard to have the occasional run in with him. It sounds like things have gotten a lot better with that and I’m glad to hear you’ve been doing well. If he recovers from COVID then I think you still will want to maintain space from him because it sounds like it was never a good situation when you did run into one another. You are brave to share what happened to you publicly. I think the feelings you have been feeling are completely normal. First, it shows what a good heart you have that even despite what happened you do not wish any harm to come to him. It can be hard when faced with the possibility of someone’s life ending and the way we can feel about someone, especially given the circumstances. Regardless of the pain that he caused your feelings will always be complicated and for that reason you want to take care of yourself and put you first. You deserve to have peace and happiness!

  15. t3nnis_player18 Volunteer

    Hey spookyseason,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us! I am so proud of you for recognizing your own growth and trying to understand why you’re feeling the way you are. I think there are some residual emotions towards him because he did have a big impact on your life regardless of if parts of it were bad or good, but I do think it is best that you continue to distance yourself and not communicate with him due to all the pain he caused you. It is normal to have these feelings for someone you used to care about and getting over them can be difficult sometimes, but I believe in you! Stay strong and continue down your path to healing!

  16. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thanks for sharing with us. I totally understand how you’re feeling. I think the fact that you aren’t happy that he’s sick shows a lot of maturity. It definitely shows that you have healed a lot from the trauma he caused, too. I’m glad his condition is not a major concern to you. You’ve moved on and that’s a huge step! Also, it’s a little added bonus that his condition isn’t getting a reaction from you, at least outwardly. It’s normal to be concerned about someone that was once a big part of your life, but it’s healthy to keep your distance and not let yourself fall into old routines with him. You’re doing a great job!! ☺️ Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you through these feelings. Stay strong!!


  17. kr1510 Volunteer

    Hi Spookyseason,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for the bad experiences that you had with your ex boyfriend. Our emotions can be hard to read and to understand. Like you said, this moment in time your healing process, shows you just how far you have come. That’s something you should be proud of. Please feel free to come back and let us know how you are doing.
    Much love,

  18. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Spookyseason,

    Thank you for coming to AVFTI to share your story. It takes a lot of courage to share. We are all here to help in any way that we can. I’m sorry to hear what happened in your past “relationship”. It’s hard when bad things happen to people with who you are no longer close. No knowing how to feel and having a bit of internal conflict is normal. It sounds like since you are a compassionate person you just hope that COVID isn’t too bad for him, which is very nice of you. I’m hearing that you’ve made a lot of progress over the past couple of years and that is amazing.

    Stay strong,

  19. mirage276 Volunteer

    Hello spooky season,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us and I am very sorry you had that experience with your last “relationship”. Emotions aren’t always so clear and may be confusing at times, and thats completely understandable. I do think it is very human and empathetic of you to feel some type of way over this persons well being even if they have affected you negatively in the past. With that being said I think it is evident that you have come so far with your healing process and its is important to take it one day at a time and to be gentle with yourself. I am so proud of you and remember that you always have a voice with us here at AVFTI. Sending lots of love and support, take care.

  20. Javi7295

    Hello spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing this story with us. Going through a tough relationship and having a bad break up can definitely bring a mixed bag of emotions and you are not wrong for feeling the way you have felt. Im glad to hear that you have been able to heal and come to terms with the trauma that was caused to you. I can see why you might have felt something during his possible covid and that might have brought some form of emotion that you didn’t understand. Healing is a sometimes difficult process but necessary in order for us to move forward in life. We are here to support you and feel free to let us know how you are feeling anytime.

    Take Care,

  21. sarahj Volunteer

    Hey spookyseason,
    Welcome to AVFTI, thank you for being brave and sharing your story with us here. I’m very sorry you had to go through the experiences you did with your ex, but I am thankful you are able to voice those experiences and your feelings about them. Our emotions can be really confusing sometime, and I can understand where you are coming from right now — with learning about his possible Covid diagnosis. I think your emotions convey your growth in some ways, and you should be proud of yourself for coming as far as you have. Please know you can always come back and share more with us and work through those feelings “in real time”. We are here to give you love and support.
    Take care of yourself and stay safe,

  22. silverliningsunshine Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing what you’ve gone through and what you’ve experienced- it takes a lot of courage. I’m sorry to hear that he has not been acknowledged what he did to you- your feelings are completely valid. If you would like to have more resources we have a “Find Help” tab at the top of the page as well. Please feel free to update us in the future, thank you for sharing.

  23. lqui101 Volunteer

    Hey spookyseason,

    I am glad that you found peace with yourself in this situation. Learning how to forgive you and him for what had happened is extremely strong and empowering. I had covid during the end of 2020 and even then I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. It is 100% understandable to have these feelings, thoughts, and emotions about him and the covid situation. You having these conflicting emotions is a sign of true internal healing and I am so proud. If you ever feel overwhelmed with these emotions, just know that there is multiple outlets, such as this one, to be able to talk. Stay safe.

  24. walvarenga1 Volunteer

    Thank you for taking the time to tell us your story. First and foremost, I want to emphasize how great it is to express your entire range of emotions. I admire you for acknowledging all of this since admitting that you still care about that somebody’s well-being when you found out they were sick, regardless of the fact that they have affected you in some capacity. Others including myself may find themselves in situations where we are affected by someone or something and are unable to articulate what it is we are feeling, you’re not alone! Sharing your story with us is a step forward in your journey to healing. Friendly reminder to be gentle with yourself as you continue to grow through the range of emotions you are experiencing. Healing doesn’t happen overnight but it begins with taking small steps forward! Sending positive vibes and support your way!



  25. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello spookyseason,

    I see this is your first time sharing with us, I’m so glad you found out about AVFTI. I am so sorry to hear everything you went through in your past “relationship” I’m glad you’re out of it now. You also have the right to feel how you want to feel about certain things, this just shows you’re human. It sounds like you really have been on quite a healing journey. It’s amazing to see how you are handling things now vs how you would have back then. This is a sign of your resilience and bravery!

    Please feel free to come back anytime if you want to share more or need more support. We also have a great resources page for you if you need it https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/

    Take care!

  26. brookeA Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us! I’m sorry for what you’ve had to go through and that he hasn’t acknowledged what he did to you. Your mixed feelings about him are very understandable. You definitely have the right to feel however you want to feel about him.
    It’s so great to hear that you’ve come a long way in your healing process! I hope your healing process continues to go well. Please feel free to come back with any updates anytime!

  27. Metalhead Volunteer


    As I sit here reading your response, I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now. I can only imagine that your mind is running a mile a minute because of this covid panic, and I just want to let you know that you made a really positive step in the right direction by coming here and sharing your thoughts with us – I commend you for that. It is obvious that your previous relationship with this person has caused you harm and it is completely okay for you to feel whatever emotion you have from here on out.

    I think it is really important to remind yourself about the progress you have made and how you have come to terms with what has happened, regardless of the mixed emotions you are feeling right now since this person might or might not have contracted covid. We all know that our minds can jump to conclusions when we are uncertain about different situations, and sometimes it can be worrisome and cause added stress within our emotions. I can’t emphasize enough that this feeling of uncertainty is okay, there is no right or wrong way to feel during this time. Take as much time as you need to figure out what it is that you’re feeling. I look forward to hearing about your progress!


  28. vanessadmoreno Volunteer

    Hey spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I wanted to first point out how admirable it is to admit everything you are feeling. And everything you are feeling, is completely valid. You have every right to not feel okay about him being potentially sick, just as you would have every right to feel the opposite. I am really proud of you for admitting all of this, because that can be really tough to admit that you still care for someone’s wellbeing, despite the fact they have harmed you in some way. We are all here for you, and will support you no matter how you are feeling about him.


  29. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi spookyseason,
    I’m so sorry that this happened. You are allowed to feel how you want to feel. Covid is a really tough thing to deal with. I remember in the beginning of Covid someone who I was harassed by got Covid and I would lie to my friends and say who cares and laugh it off when they told me he got it. However deep down I felt the same way as you. I didn’t know if he would make it and I didn’t know if I really wanted him to die like that mostly because like you said I didn’t ever picture him dying. What I did was I asked my friends to not talk about him because he was close to my friend group and I went on with life trying my best to focus on myself, my healing, and my mental health. I know it is definitely easier said than done, but time is a huge healer.
    Recovery is a roller coaster sadly so sometimes there are better days than others. This is one of those little dips in the ride, but as you continue to recover and heal the dip will go back up. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. We are always here for you. You can also you our resources in our find help tab. Continue to stay strong.

  30. cachonoah Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I am so sorry that you had to go through that trauma. However, whatever it is your feeling it is 100 percent ok! He put you in a situation where you are still coping with it, yet you have the courage and discipline to yet forgive what he did to you and that speaks volume! Just because you forgive him, doesn’t mean what he did was right. It takes a lot to forgive someone after such an event. Your feelings are valid! It is ok to worry about him, thats what makes us human! But it is also ok to not want to worry or even care about how he is doing. You are not obligated to his well-being. It’s ok to be in your feelings, even if it is for no reason. You don’t need an explanation to how or what your feeling because it doesn’t matter. Take as much time as you need when trying to understand and process what you are going through. Be proud of how far you’ve gotten. We are always going to be here for you.

  31. Briggums117 Volunteer

    Hi Spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing your story. Everything you are feeling totally makes sense, you are a good person at heart. That is why you care still. That is incredibly honorable of you. All these emotions will be understood in time. Glad you could share this story with us.


  32. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing a bit of what you’re going through. It definitely sounds like you’re still processing all of these feels, and that’s okay. There’s no wrong way to respond to this news. Your feelings are valid and it’s understandable that potentially life-threatening news about someone who harmed you can reignite a lot of these emotions and new unclear feelings. And it’s okay to simply not have the energy to have feelings about this or do anything about it – you invested so much energy and feeling into your relationship with him and you owe him nothing. Though I think you’re right – this is a testament to how far you’ve come – and you should be proud of that. Take some more time to process and decide how to deal with them that is best for you and what you need right now. We’re here for you.


  33. chompyapple1 Volunteer

    Hi Spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry to hear that you’ve gone through a lot while in a relationship, but it’s good you have distanced yourself from him. I am sorry that he denied your experience and gas lighted you, calling you crazy. I am sure that you’re a wonderful person based on your words. You’re right about the healing process – it takes time – and it’s amazing that you’ve come so far. You’re about to take another step in your journey. Stay strong.

  34. musicislove

    Hi Spookyseason,

    going through trauma while in a relationship is so hard and I’m sorry you had to endure that. None of what happened is fair to you but I’m glad you were able to get out of it when you did. The relationship aspect makes it so much more difficult because even though you were hurt, their were feelings involved and that just plain sucks. It’s understandable to be so affected after hearing about this person being sick, but the fact that you can feel your feelings and continue to do so is important and definitely shows your growth. Dealing with all of this can be difficult so please be gentle with yourself and know that we are here for you, thank you for coming here.


  35. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey spookyseason,

    I don’t think there’s a wrong way to handle this news. In a way, you might be experiencing some grief, and there’s no right way to process those emotions. I can see why you would be interested in his wellbeing. I think that as long as that doesn’t get in the way of your healing process, then you’re doing what is best for you. You didn’t deserve to be hurt by him and need to take care of yourself first. We’re here for you if you want to share more about this!

  36. Erika23 Volunteer

    It’s difficult coming to terms with what happened to you, but you seem to have gained a strong sense of self awareness. I know it can seem confusing to have all these emotions coming forward after hearing about your previous partner, but it just shows that you have gained the power to acknowledge yourself and your feelings. I’m glad that you are moving forward in the healing process and can’t wait to hear more about how you’re doing.

  37. jcastle38 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I am happy to hear that you have come a long way in your healing process. I understand how you must be feeling when you stumbled upon his profile and saw that. At the end of the day, you are a caring person and he didn’t take that from you. So it’s normal to feel some sort of way that you may not be able to explain, but talking about it really helps figure out what that feeling may be. So thank you for coming to us and expressing your feelings. We are here to listen whenever you need us. Take some time to yourself and don’t be afraid to connect with your emotions. Sending you lots of positivity, hope to hear from you soon!

  38. karinakalke Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m proud of you for recognizing how far you’ve come. The healing process is not linear, but it sounds like you’ve taken a lot of steps in the right direction. These feelings can be confusing. I think that just shows you’re an empathetic and caring person. I suggest taking some time for yourself in the midst of working through these emotions. It’s important to take care of yourself. Please know that we are always here for you.

    Sending love and support,

  39. Breanna Volunteer

    Hi Spooky Season,

    Thank you for coming and sharing with us. You are absolutely right — this is a huge example of how far you’ve come. I’m really glad that you recognize your growth and healing and I hope you feel proud. It is evident in this post that you have a good, caring heart. I know that the feelings are complicated themselves, and then the uncertainty of how he is doing can exacerbate some anxious and intrusive thoughts. And I hear you – there’s a difference between just having someone out of your life and having them actually “gone”. These are really difficult thoughts and feelings to grapple with. But often, with some time and distance (like what you did once you broke up), things can hopefully subside. But in the meantime, I hope you are kind to yourself as you navigate these feelings. You’ve been doing great. Keep your chin up.

    Sending love and support,

  40. alexa.zaragoza Volunteer

    Spooky Season,
    Thank You for sharing your story. You have come a long way in your healing process and are exceeding each and every step of the way. Dealing with an abusive relationship is never easy, especially if your grow to really care for the person. For someone you once knew, it is okay to be sad and worried because they were someone who was once in your life. It is also okay to not feel sad and worried because they were also someone who did you harm.
    You are strong and have come a long way in healing. We believe in you and continue to strive.

  41. Neesha Volunteer

    Spooky Season,
    I am glad you found space from your abuser. It is incredibly difficult to heal around the person who hurt you. You come across as a warm person and it is understandable that you are feeling a mix of not okay feelings knowing that your abuser was (is?) sick. It’s also okay to not be overly worried because you two don’t have a close relationship. I am sorry to hear that he denied your experience and called you crazy, I’m grateful it doesn’t land on you, and it still is not okay that he has done that.

    While you are moving through the tide of your emotions. Be gentle with yourself, breathe and lean into your feelings and let them move through you. You’ve come a long way through the healing process and it appears you are taking another step.
    Take care.

  42. noobloop Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,
    Right off the bat, I want to say that you are the bigger person. Whether you believe this or not, you have come a long way. Sure, you had a little relapse and curiosity got the best of you, you didn’t reach out to him. You have sympathy for him which not many can say they have towards someone who hurt them deeply. I think it is something to be admired by. I personally have too much pride so I definitely admire you for taking the high road and genuinely have this worry and concern for his wellbeing. Also, I’d like to say that you don’t need closure to continue to heal. Closure is not real; it only reopens a wound and it is almost as if you have to go through the same feelings again. You are almost out of that dark place. You should keep moving forward in your journey just like you’ve been doing so far. It’s ok to feel a “tide of emotions,” you’re human after all. Feel what you need to feel but continue to move forward. If you need a little push, I even suggest therapy. I don’t want to sound like a scratched up record though. I don’t know how many times you may have been told to seek therapy, but I am being genuine when I ask that if you need just a little push, you can never go wrong with getting extra help. Thank you for sharing your experience.
    Much love,

  43. Starling Volunteer

    Hi spookyseason,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with an abusive relationship. I’m glad that you’ve been able to make such great progress on your path of healing. I can relate to the feelings you’re dealing with right now. It can be really conflicting to still care, even if it is only slightly, about the person who harmed you. Have you considered talking to a professional about what happened? A therapist might be able to help you work through the emotions you’re struggling with. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  44. Brooke Volunteer

    spookyseason thank you so much for your story. You did not deserve what happened to you at all. I can understand these feelings as its common with trauma bonding. Have you tried reaching out to a therapist yet. They could help you possibly process some of the trauma as well as the emotions you are having now. I know its easier said than done, but maybe a break from his social media would be a good idea. Please take care of yourself and give yourself grace. Your feelings are valid. We have a Find Help tab with additional resources that may be beneficial. You are always welcome to come back here and share. We all believe you and support you. Sending much love.

  45. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing with us. I’m sorry for what happened, and for what he did, as you did not deserve to be treated that way. I totally understand these conflicting feelings you have about someone who hurt you-I’ve definitely found myself, confusingly at times, caring about the people who harmed me like this. I’m not sure what it means, or why I’ve felt that way, but it can definitely be weird. I hope it helped to share here, and if there is anything else we can do, let us know.