Over a decade ago I was raped and sexually abused. We were in a “relationship” and I was young and naive. The relationship ended and we sort of went our separate ways. We aren’t directly involved in each other’s lives anymore and haven’t been in many years. We do sort of bump into one another occasionally on social media or at other public venues. Enough that we’re aware of one another, but just sort of ignore it. The relationship ended horribly and we haven’t been civil in many, many years. Especially when I first started talking about the abuse and how it impacted my life. That created an entirely new conflict between us outside of whatever abuse transpired during the relationship.
Anyway… the lack of contact and involvement in his life was wonderful as I was healing and coming to terms with the trauma. I wouldn’t have been able to make as much progress if I’d kept in touch with him and he hasn’t made any efforts to grow or even acknowledge what he did to me was abusive. I don’t need nor really want him in my life anymore. Yet, in my random scrolling one afternoon his profile popped up. Curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on it only to find out that he has (had?) Covid. So now I’m stuck in this weird emotional space where I’m not really upset, but I’m not entirely okay either. After everything he put me through during and after the relationship, I have absolutely never wished harm upon him. I’ve been frustrated. I’ve been blinded with rage. I’ve screamed at him and often belittled him for making poor choices, but I’ve never wanted him to get hurt or face death. So I’m not happy that this happened to him. But I’m also not really sad or worried either. We bump into each other a lot, but we haven’t spoken in almost six years and six years ago it was a bitter, ugly fight. He can’t acknowledge what he did to me, nor accept the fact that I’ve ultimately forgiven him for it. Which is fine. Those are his choices to make. As long as he feels that way, there’s no reason to put any effort or energy into keeping in touch. There’s no reason for me to be sad or worried, but I feel something. And I don’t know what that feeling is.
I’ve never considered the fact that I might lose him again if that makes sense. Like I’ve dealt with the end of the relationship and come to terms with the trauma and the abuse but he’s always been there at the fringe edge of my life bickering and fighting and calling me crazy and denying any accusations I’ve made. While it initially really bothered me at the beginning of my healing process, I guess I just got used to it because now it seems really fucking weird that he might not make it back from covid and he might be gone forever.
Of course, he also might be just 100% fine and I’m all over here in my feels for no reason. I don’t know if he’s vaccinated or not. I don’t know if he takes better care of himself than he did 20 years ago or not. Really, I don’t even know if he was telling the truth about being covid positive in the first place. He could have just lied because he didn’t feel like doing whatever he committed to do. It could have even been the bait to get me to react so he could stir up another fight.
Overall… this entire incident is a huge testament to how far I’ve come in my healing process. Even just three years ago if something bad happened to him I wouldn’t have been able to articulate how I was feeling or maintain any level of composure until I verified if he was going to be okay. Now I’m just kind of like “well good luck, I don’t have the energy. If you die I’ll visit your grave.” Outwardly anyway. Internally a rising tide of emotions will not subside, and I really don’t even know what they are so I have no idea where to begin to deal with them.