Hi everyone. Here’s what I’ve been thinking about.
I struggle with sharing my feelings with the supportive people in my life. I always have this fear that they’re not going to respond well, even if they have a history of responding well. Even though I tell myself that I’m not a burden for sharing my feelings, something stops me. When I do share, sometimes I regret it. I regret it because I feel like I’m dumping my problems onto them or being too self absorbed, not because of their response. Sometimes I wonder if I’m relying on them too much instead of trying to solve things on my own, even though I usually try to handle everything on my own. I wonder if I’m weighing them down or if they’re thinking, “there’s always something wrong in her life.”
It’s so hard to break this pattern. I know it’s not healthy to keep my feelings to myself. I write and that helps sometimes, but I want to tell people without questioning myself so much.
On a related note, I’ll share what’s going on. It may sound very disjointed, but I’ve been struggling to put these feelings into words for so long. This post is one of the first steps towards doing that.
Every 6 months or so, I have this urge to look into the past. I have these memories with my assailant that aren’t related to the assault. These memories are of small interactions between us. I think I remember these things because these ‘small’ moments were the buildup to the assault and what happened afterwards. I don’t remember such small interactions with other people. Sometimes I try to find evidence to support my memories – maybe as a way to verify that everything happened. For example, a few days ago, I found a few pictures of us that confirmed a memory I have. The thing is, I know the assault happened. I know what led up to it, but maybe this is a way of piecing this narrative together into a story so it feels more real. Maybe confirming these memories with evidence is a way of saying “Okay, this happened. It was real, and these things led up to it. I’m not imagining this because I remember these interactions, these dates align with the right days on the calendar, and I have a few pictures.” I’m not shaming myself for doing this, but I wonder if it’s normal.
I haven’t told my friend about my feelings for him. It’s hard to keep this to myself, but my fear of ruining the friendship is stopping me. I feel like my hopes are distorting how things really are. I want him to like me, so I’m probably over-analyzing things. I almost want to get over him so I don’t have to over-analyze anything, and we can have a peaceful friendship. I’m not really sure what to do about it.
Other than that, everything else is going well. I’m trying to take care of my mental health as much as possible, and college starts tomorrow. My classes are online this semester, so we’ll see how that goes. I’m going to take all this one day at a time and hope for the best. Thank you for being here.