CW: brief mention of ending everything
This might be a long update.
Today was another rough day at church. I’ve had a lot of those recently.
I was angry this morning. I felt – and still feel – kind of disconnected, but I also feel these waves of pain. I feel sad. I don’t care about anything, which is a great feeling to have right before school starts (note: sarcasm). I don’t know who to talk to about it…about any of it.
I’ve had two jumbled streams of thought in the past few months.
One stream is about how I’m very close to graduating. I’m doing a program in which I’m doing masters classes while completing my bachelors degree, so I’m able to finish my masters faster. I’ve been wanting to do this program for at least a year. There are so many possibilities for my life and what I want to do. I have good friends and AVFTI. I’m sharing – and writing – more poetry. I’m trying to be a better person. I’m studying what I want to study. I have other passions and goals that I want to explore.
The other stream is about church and how I feel so close to giving up (but I’m not really sure what that means for me) and hopelessness and resignation and anger and sadness and disconnection and wanting to run away/end everything and not deal with any of this. It’s about the trauma that some people expect me to deal with on my own. It’s about how I want to move out and how frustrated I get with my parents (sometimes). It’s about how I don’t feel strong, and even though I know I can’t look for external validation/happiness and expect to be fulfilled, sometimes I wish someone would save me from all this.
It’s so confusing because I’m thinking “life is great…but it’s not at the same time.”
I’ve had this “wanting to run away” feeling for a while now. I think the reason why I feel trapped is because I don’t feel safe. I definitely don’t feel safe at church, and I don’t feel emotionally safe at home. I wouldn’t want to escape if I felt safe and protected.
It’s why I’m looking for these safe spaces, such as my counselor, my sister, my best friend, my guy friend, AVFTI, my writing, etc. I’m trying to make myself feel safe in my own life so I can at least get through. Maybe I’m trying to make up for the fact that I don’t feel emotionally safe around my parents, and I don’t feel safe in this place of worship.
Yet even though I have these spaces, I feel weird confiding in them. There’s this resistance. I keep thinking that I’m talking about my problems too much or that they’re somehow not ‘important enough’ to mention and that I’m exaggerating. Maybe I fear that these spaces won’t be safe anymore (either because of me or them or even my parents getting involved), so if I don’t reveal anything, maybe it won’t be taken away from me. I’m trying to get past the resistance, and I know that bottling everything up isn’t healthy.
I’m also looking at pictures of myself from when I was 15 – when the assault occurred. I keep thinking about how young I looked and how much I didn’t know about the world. I was very sheltered and naive. I had no experience with manipulative guys or trauma or any of it. My face looked young, and I sounded like a child. My assailant probably knew these things and used them to his advantage, which is infuriating. In a way, I’m grieving for the child I was before the assault happened. It feels like a loss. I know more now, and I’ve completely changed as a person since then. I’m proud of who I am today. Yet it still feels like a loss – almost like I had to become an adult at an accelerated pace.
I guess writing and posting here is my way of processing all this. Thank you for being here.