It’s like someone threw my heart and mind into a blender. I don’t know if I have words today. It feels really difficult to write – or do anything really. All I know is that this hurts, and I might need support to get me through.
He was reading the bible today. It was about how husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. I listened to the whole thing because I couldn’t tune him out. It was so hypocritical, and I was angry – so angry and frustrated and everything else that I nearly cried right there.
The rest of the service was me trying to cope. I could barely breathe. I almost blamed myself at one point, but I was able to tell myself it wasn’t my fault.
We had a parent teacher meeting and this other meeting. Everything took so long. I was ready to leave. Once we left, I saw his car in the parking lot, so I guess he was still there.
I didn’t take a nap like I usually do after service. My aunt came over to get her makeup done for a wedding. I finished an assignment because it’s due at 11:59 pm today. I did these things and hid my feelings. Now I feel ready to burst at any minute. There’s this fogginess as well.
I’m really upset. This happens so often, which is why I feel weird about telling people that I’m not okay. I’m in this situation every week – how much more can people take when it comes to me talking about the same thing? I keep wondering if I have the right to complain because I’m not doing anything about it at the moment.
I’m also attempting to release the anger towards my parents (for being in this situation). I’m realizing that the anger is actually disappointment and sadness.
I’m aware that there’s hope and that I’m not doomed, but I don’t feel that way today. It’s been a rough few months, and I feel raw.