On My Mind

Something has been on my mind a lot recently so I decided to share in hopes I could process it. 

Before we split up my ex who was also my rapist and abuser shared a story with me. I have zero way to verify if it was true at all, especially since I’ve learned 80-90% of everything he told me was an elaborate web of lies, and yet it makes me wonder…

We were in bed one evening and somehow the topic came up of how many previous sexual partners he’d had. Once we discussed the number, a few stories followed about specific girls. The one that stuck with me the most was hearing the story of his high school girlfriend, whom he basically forced himself on and got caught when her mom came home unexpectedly. 

Of course when he was telling me the story he didn’t flat out say he raped her. He spun it around to make himself sound innocent, but now so many years later understanding consent better than I did before, what he did was definitely coercion, and he never had her consent. The story ended with him getting a lecture from his own mother, and this girl dropping out of school and disappearing. 

This girl has been on my mind so much lately. I wonder what happened to her and if she ever got the help and support she needed after what happened. She’d be in her late 30’s now. I’ll never know because other than a basic description and first name I don’t even know her. I don’t even know if that story was true, or he was simply trying to normalize the way he treated me by making things up about his past girlfriends. 

Anyway… thanks for listening. 


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23 comments

  1. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear Outofashes813 ,

    I think it is normal to sit and wonder about what happened to this girl, especially since you probably experienced a lot of the same stuff that maybe she did when she was in a relationship with him. All you can do is hope that this girl had a good support system and got the help that she needed <3 That is, if any part of the story is true. You cannot dwell on what you do not know or cannot change, so I think it is important to continue your own healing process and journey <3 It's great knowing how much you genuinely care about what may have happened to this girl, it shows that you are a kind, empathetic person. Don't ever lose that. Thank you for taking the time to share this with us and just know we will always be here for you if you ever need anything!

    Sending many hugs your way,

    – Jordan

  2. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    I’m sure this experience is normal. It seems to make sense, though, that if you got help from a horrible situation, she was also able to get help form a comparable horrible situation. If you show strength, it is, in a way like she is 🙂 Keep fighting!

  3. brodie_james Volunteer

    Hello friend,

    Thank you so much for writing to us. I can empathize with being upset about your ex potentially sexually assaulting another girl, and wanting to know what happened to other survivors, especially when you have a perpetrator in common. It also makes sense that you’re unsure if your ex just made up a story to justify what he was doing to you as “normal behavior”. Unfortunately, as frustrating and uncomfortable as it is, it’s hard to know for sure whether the story is true or not; even if you were to ask him, you may have a difficult time believing him because of his previous history of lying to you. If the story is true and he did assault another girl, it seems as though, in what you’ve shared, that she was able to escape the situation with him and (hopefully) she was able to get the help and support she needed. It sounds as though you’ve also gotten away from him and are on the road to healing as well!

    You sound like an incredibly empathetic and compassionate person, and I’m so grateful that we’re able to help you process through these difficult memories. Please feel free to reach out to us again if you ever need more support in the future!

    Cheers,
    Brodie

  4. Lizzi Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,
    I can see how upsetting it would be to know that he possibly abused someone else in the same way that he abused you. I feel like people that are so horrible to be able to rape and abuse one person are probably going to try with multiple people. You’ll likely never know what happened to her, but it sounds like at least she got away from him. I hope that she did get the help and support she needed, and I’d like to believe that she did. I hate that you both had to go through this but I’m also glad to know that both of you got away from that situation.

  5. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Outofashes813,
    I get how hard it must be for you to think about this girl because you don’t know if he was lying or not. Some of his story could be partly true or it could all be a lie, sadly unless you ask him you might never know the truth. However, it is okay if you don’t find out. The girls mother if it was true probably made her transfer public schools, start a private school, or even an all girls school. I don’t think she is in any harm. It’s good her mom came home and stopped it from happening. She might have told her mom what happened and her mom just wanted to get her away from him and guys like him. It’s understandable why you are so curious about her because of everything that happened to you, but in situations like this where you never know if it’s true, you just have to hope for the best. thank you for sharing this. Hopefully you get closure about her one day without having to talk to your ex about it.
    -Alyssa

  6. Leximcclelland Volunteer

    Thanks for sharing such an interesting thought with us. People have an awful way of twisting stories and facts to make themselves seem innocent. I’m now thinking of this girl and hoping she is in a safe, peaceful place in her life too.
    I’m sorry for what you went through with your ex, I hope you’re in a better, safe place in your life.
    AVFTI is always here for you.

    -Lexi

  7. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    thank you for sharing your thoughts. i hope you continue to share your thoughts with us. we are always here to listen!

  8. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I think it’s unfortunately all too common that abusers fabricate their stories to normalize behaviors and appear “innocent”. I think it’s very normal to wonder about if this really happened and if she is okay (I’ve had these thoughts myself). It can be difficult to accept that you may never have these answers. I also hope that this woman received help, and I try to remain positive by remembering that more resources than ever before are being introduced to help people overcome their trauma.

    I hope you continue to share your thoughts with us. We are always here to listen!

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre

  9. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi again, outofashes,

    This particular story resonates with me. It’s unlikely that you’ll ever find this girl, which might be something that you have to grieve. You two share a deeply intimate bond that may be difficult and confusing to process. Do you know any sexual violence survivors who attend group therapy? I wonder if that sort of setting may be a place to process this memory and unpack it amongst people who are there to support you. We of course are here for you as well! A situation with this much nuance might be best discussed in person, though.

    Thank you for sharing this update, and make sure you’re being gentle with yourself.

  10. Jess Volunteer

    I’m so sorry that your ex abused you. It makes sense that you’d wonder about this girl – you share an unexpected bond with her, although you don’t know her. It’s hard thinking about how our abusers may have harmed others and never being able to find them or hear their story. It’s difficult to process, and that’s okay. I definitely suggest partaking in some self-care, however that looks for you. You have to take care of yourself, especially when thinking of these hard and confusing situations.

    Thank you for updating us and sharing what’s been on your mind. I’m glad you trust us here at AVFTI to come back and share. <3 If you need anything else, we are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -jess

  11. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Outofashes813,
    It makes sense that this girl has been on your mind. It’s unsettling to think about whether or not your assailant assaulted other people. I don’t know whether or not he was lying, but as Mary said, it says a lot that you care about her. It does show that you’re empathetic and caring, and those are two wonderful traits to have.
    I hope you’ll be able to find peace. Thinking about this can take a toll, and I recommend doing some form of self care. It can help us feel calmer as well as get our minds off of the heavy stuff for some time. Thank you for updating us! I’m glad that you’re able to share what’s on your mind. We’re in your corner.

  12. Mary Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,

    Thank you for reaching out and sharing with us. I’m so sorry for what your ex did to you. You did not deserve to go through that. It makes sense that you would wonder about this girl. Even though you don’t know her, you share a common bond. Whether or not she exists, or if the story he told you is true, it says a lot about your character that you care about her wellbeing. While you may not be able to connect with her, you can take comfort in the fact that this man did not rob you of your compassion and empathy for others. We’re always here to listen!

  13. Outofashes813

    Thanks every one. It’s been really helpful to read the comments and know that my concern was actually a valid concern vs a PTSD intrusive thought pattern. Sometimes I have trouble distinguishing between the two. Knowing other people out there felt the same about the situation really put my mind at ease.

    1. Ashley Day Captain

      Hello Outofashes813,

      I’m glad that it’s been helpful to hear what other people think 🙂

      If this was an attempt for him to normalize his behavior towards you, that’s definitely not okay. You seem like a considerate person; the fact that you’re hoping she received help and support says a lot about you. Although the story might not be true, it’s not abnormal that it’s causing you to feel curious.

      Ashley

  14. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Outofashes813,
    It is understandable that this story would weigh on your mind and that you would be concerned for the girl. Having experienced his abuse, you know something of what she may have gone through and you would, naturally, want to help her. I hope that being able to get these thoughts out to others who understand will help you process what you are feeling. Remember, while it is wonderful to be empathetic and have concern for others, you also have to have healthy boundaries for yourself. You are not responsible for taking on the pain that your abuser caused to others or himself. Putting too much energy into that can take from your own and focusing on it for too long can cause you to focus on negativity in other areas. Wish her well and send out loving energy/thoughts and then let it be.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  15. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,
    Thank you for sharing what been on your mind. It’s understandable that this story would stick with you. It’s hard to know information about someone struggling, but not have any way to reach out and help. However, with how open the conversation is about sexual assault lately, it’s very possible that she’s already sought out assistance and is getting the help she needs. Let us know if we can do anything to help. We’re here for you.

  16. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Outofashes813,

    It makes sense that you’re thinking about her. I can tell that you’re an amazing empathetic individual who wants nothing but the best for others. It makes sense that hearing that story can be gut-wrenching. We can only hope she strong to get the support she deserves. Please be kind to yourself as you continue to process this and work through what you know. Your support for others is truly inspiring.

    Keep on fighting,
    SFM

  17. Shannon Volunteer

    Welcome back Outofashes813,

    I’m sorry that this story weighs on your mind, all we can hope is that she is in a safe place and got the help she deserved. I hope by posting here you feel you can sort through your thoughts and feelings, I know its difficult, but we are here for you. Be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  18. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,

    Thank you for coming here to share what’s been on your mind. It’s hard to hear about other girls that he might have sexually assaulted or raped. I think since like you said most of what he said are lies, so it would probably make sense that this is also a lie. It totally makes sense to wonder but I’m sure if this story was true that the girl was able to get help. It sounds like her mum was very understanding about how wrong the situation was when she lectured the guy.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  19. grothkat8 Volunteer

    Thank you for dropping in again and sharing what’s been on your mind. That would bother me too, and you have every right to be concerned about this. I would wonder too about how many girls he’s done that too. I hope you can continue to find healing and try to keep your mind off of what he told you if he can.

    Let us know if you need anything! We are always here.

    Katie

  20. Kayla Volunteer

    Outofashes813,

    It’s good to hear from you again, i’m glad that AVFTI is a place where you feel comfortable to share these heavy thoughts. I am sorry that you know this information without much way to reach out. I sincerely hope she has a supportive place and a way to get any help she may need. It is very empathetic of you to think of her, and I hope in some way she feels your thoughts and knows deep down she’s not alone and that she is cared for.

    Kayla

  21. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thanks for coming back to share-I’m sorry you remembered this. The person who assaulted me in college, I found out he forcibly kissed one of my other friends in college in the same major. She pushed him off of her and he was pissed about it, but it always made me wonder how many other people he touched without permission. I know it can really mess us up. Let us know how else we can help-we are here for you.

    Erin

  22. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Outofashes813,

    Sharing thoughts out loud are a great way to help process them, and I’m glad that you feel comfortable to share them here! I feel like that is kind of a tough situation because you don’t know who this girl is so you can’t actually check up on her. If it helps calm the thoughts at all, with the way the media has been lately, the conversation about sexual assault has been more open than before and resources for survivors, like AVFTI, have also been included in the conversation so it is easier to know where to go for help if someone wants it. That being said, it is entirely possible that this girl has gotten the help she needed and is doing just fine. It’s very nice of you to be concerned about how she is doing though; it shows a lot of empathy.

    I hope you are doing well!
    Megan