Hi there. My name is dawn. I have shared my story a few times here. I know this is a safe place to share, & I know I won’t be judged. Right now, I feel as if the waves of my mind are crashing causing an erosion that is draining me. I am struggling with trying to make sense of something. There are still so many things that I still find myself in disbelief over. If I don’t acknowledge, then I don’t have to deal right? Wrong! Sadly, I found the more I try to run & “avoid”, that’s when the waves come crashing around. I am faced with now the memory, but also having to process the memory. I am trying not to hide but sometimes, it just seems easier to do that then re- experience the pains associated with all my abuse/traumatic events. Then reality hits & I’m reminded that a memory is simply that & can not hurt me.
I have something else on my mind that is so frustrating. In fact, it causes an anger within. There’s an add on television that is regarding boy scouts. It states there’s a law suit that has been formed. If you were in boy scouts & believe you were molested while in boy scouts, contact this number…. You may be able to be compensated for your abuse. The issue I have is, it’s ok to have been in boy scouts & molested? Oh yeah, lets compensate you for your emotional distress this may of caused. Well, let me be the first to say this is so Not Fair! I went through hell my whole life until a couple years ago. There wasn’t any nor will there ever be any compensation for all I went through! I am so frustrated! I get angry just thinking about this. Oh, I was compensated, but not from any law suit. My “reward” (compensation) was being told from the child protective worker “you have to understand, this abuse thing is new as far as professionals responding & how they respond. But, I know childhood sexual abuse has been around like for ever.” so, fast forward, a little bit latter. My mom applies for a divorce. I tell everything to the prosecutor only to be told. “everything will be ok.” My mom was applying for a divorce & didn’t file charges nor pursued the abuse. Every thing is not ok! I was compensated with a life long sentence of memories, triggers & flashbacks, not to mention a whole mess load of other issues. I mean justice in the form of this law suit/compensation for those molested while in boy scouts, is ok, but what about the rest of us? This is so not fair!