No answer does not mean yes.

577 17

I made a decision in high school to live my life without regrets. No matter what happened I would come to terms with the situation but not regret it. I am the type of person that just loves talking to people, so I downloaded tinder. I got the app just to talk to people and not expect anything to come from it. I know that if you are meeting someone to meet in a public place. Things didn’t happen that way. Well I met a guy a week ago. This guy was very forceful in wanting to come over at 1 a.m. and just showed up at my dorm. I had established to him before he showed up that I refused to do anything with him and that we were strictly watching a movie. At the beginning, everything was fine, then before I knew it, he was pulling my pants down and had his hand wrapped around my neck. Everything happened so fast and I was in such shock that I couldn’t even say anything, let alone scream. He didn’t even ask me if I was okay with anything. I was holding back tears the entire time. I tried banging my hand on the wall so that my roommate would hear it, but my body was so weak I had no strength to do anything. He had such force on me that it felt like he was trying to kill me. With his hands around my throat my vision started blurring and I could feel my body starting to want to shut down. I think the worst of this all was that he didn’t use a condom. When he left, I sat in the corner of my room shaking and crying and my roommate came over and saw me and just broke down because she couldn’t help me. When he got home texting me saying, “excuse me if I’m wrong but I feel as you enjoyed that a lot” and I just wanted to scream. A few of my friends have said that I should regret it and that it’s my fault for letting him come over. Well I don’t regret it. I slightly feel as though it is my fault for even letting him come in, but I don’t regret it. It’s a learning experience. I just wanted to share this because I’m done being silent about things that happen in my life. My hope is that sharing my story will help at least one person feel brave enough to share their story.


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17 comments

  1. Joy Murphy

    Please dont ever think that this was your fault. you dont ever have to be silent about anything that has happened to you. thank you for sharing your story here with us. it sounds like to me that you are a very strong person. you shouldnt live your life without regrets. the few friends that say its your fault are wrong. no one deserves to go through that. just know that you have support here with your story and can trust us here. do you have a support system for yourself and people that you can trust in times of need? you deserve it. if you ever need further assistance please dont hesitate to come back <3

  2. Ashley Day Captain

    elisabettatap,

    Thank you for coming forward with your story.

    Your friends had no right to tell you that what happened is your fault; placing blame on victims can influence them to stay silent, which can be detrimental. You are not to blame. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to watch a movie. You told the guy that you two were only going to watch a movie and there’s nothing wrong with that; we have the right to be respected. It’s shocking to know he had the audacity to assume you enjoyed his violent behavior. I’m wondering, how has your roommate been acting towards you? You deserve to have a support system.

    If you need help locating resources that are near you, please don’t hesitate to reply to my comment.

  3. michi Volunteer

    Elisa
    First of all, do not listen to your friends who say it is your fault. It is not your fault. You set a boundary and he broke it. Do you have access to a health care provider at your school? Do you know who to contact for extra safety at your campus? I am thinking of you and hoping you are safe. Please let us know if we can do anything to help. Text voice to 741-741 at any time you need to.

    Thinking of you, we are here for you and you have been so strong for choosing to not be silent about this that has happened to you.
    Michi

  4. JamieMarie25 Volunteer

    Anyone who says it’s your fault has no room to talk.
    You gave this guy clear instruction not to do anything but watch a film, and he violated that order, and your body. He’s at fault, not you, so don’t think it was, okay?
    Please reach out if there’s anything more we can do to help you. Nobody should have to hide in fear from abuse.

  5. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi elisabettap,
    I’m so sorry you experienced this. I can’t imagine how terrifying that was, and no one should have to experience it.
    I hate that some of your friends blamed you. This wasn’t your fault. You told him before what your boundaries were, and he completely disregarded them. He used force throughout, and that is not okay at all. What he sent afterward is, at best, infuriating. I can’t believe he sent that after what he did, and I understand why you wanted to scream.
    Thank you for sharing your story. Your strength is admirable, and I like your no regrets approach.
    We’re in your corner. Continue to stay strong.

  6. queentealxribbon Volunteer

    During sexual crimes, victims often go into a shock. Fear takes over. However, having fear doesn’t make it your fault! There is no way you could’ve predicted what would happen. We are here to listen and I’m sure your story is going to inspire many others :)) Just know you are strong and that you will always have a support team.

  7. Heather GG

    I’m sorry that happened to you. Letting him into your dorm did not make it ok for him to rape you. It wasnt your fault.

    Thank you for sharing your story

  8. alexcostello Volunteer

    Hi Elisabettap, I am so sorry to read that this has happened to you and can’t imagine how terrified you felt in that moment. You are incredibly brave for sharing your story with us today and I am certain that doing so has helped a number of people come to terms with their own experiences. It was so cruel for this man to treat you this way and please don’t think that you are somehow to blame for his actions. I am also sorry that your friends have led you the believe that you are somehow to blame because that just isn’t the case and you deserve more support than that. I find you truly remarkable not only in terms of your strength but also your warm optimism that underlines your no regrets approach, even when the worst type of events happen to you. You are incredible and I think you should be proud of yourself for how you have dealt with this truly awful experience. Please don’t hesitate to contact again, you will always have a community in us and all the support that you need.

  9. blashea Volunteer

    It is most definitely not your fault that this happened. It doesn’t matter the situation or circumstance, no individual has a right to your body. Please don’t ever blame yourself. Thank you for sharing your story with us! You are brave for coming forward.

  10. MH Volunteer

    Hello elisabettap,
    Your friends that state that it was your fault are 100% WRONG. Letting someone come over at 1am does not give them the permission to do what they want- it does not matter the time of day/night. You are so correct when you say that no answer does not mean yes. You were clearly in shock and he took advantage of you. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I am also proud of you for being brave enough to share your story with the hopes that you will help someone else. Would you like to be connected to resources in your area? Please feel free to come back and connect with us- we are here for you.
    MH

  11. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi elisabettap,
    I’m so sorry this happened. It is not your fault. You did the right thing by telling him you had no intention of doing anything. He should have listened to you and respected what you wanted to do. He is absolutely disgusting if he thinks it is okay to message you back after what he did. That is horrible and disrespectful. Have you thought about telling the police or your family?
    Like Kristen said there is a chance that you got pregnant or a STI. I would get checked to make sure that you are okay. I know how scary this is, but you are strong and are going to make it through this.
    If you need to you can always write back or text VOICE to 741-741 for immediate help. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI.
    -Alyssa

  12. Kristen Eby

    Hey elisabettap,

    I am so, so sorry this happened to you. It sounds utterly terrifying. It was not your fault. You were explicit in your boundaries. He not only ignored them, he physically forced you into it, and disregarded your safety by not using protection. He raped you. You did not do anything wrong, and you shouldn’t regret any of your own actions. His text afterwards was gross. Arrogant. It reeks of entitlement, and I can understand how it made you feel.

    Have you gone to a clinic to be tested? I know it sucks, but it’s important to take care of your body after this. Unfortunately he exposed you to STIs or pregnancy, but if you get yourself checked now, you could prevent any long-term issues. Also, have you considered reporting him, either to your university or the police? If you try to be strong yourself and don’t report him, it’s likely he will rape other women. If you do, I’m sure others will thank you for taking that step. However, if you don’t want to report, that’s okay too. The main point here is this is YOUR life, and you get to decide what happens next.

    Thank you for telling us your story. If you ever want to come back and talk more, don’t hesitate!

    Kristen

  13. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear elisabettap,
    I am so sorry that this happened to you! While I agree with your not regretting it, I want you to understand that you have no fault in it. This man raped you and chances are that he is doing it others too. You are so brave and strong! If you want, and are comfortable doing so, you may want to report it to your university police in order to help you heal and to prevent him from doing it to others. If you do not want to report it, that is also quite alright. We are here to support you in any way that you need us. Please be sure to take care of your body as you recover from this. If you need to talk with someone, you can always text VOICE to 741-741 to speak with a trained counselor at any time of day.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  14. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    elisabettap,
    You are very brave to not be silent. I live my life the same way, no regrets. You’re right you can chalk this up to being a learning experience but it was also more and I don’t want that to get pushed under the rug. Your friends are wrong it isn’t your fault. He was disrespectful and disregarded anything you said. He hurt you. And that is not ok. The text message was harrasment too. Also he didn’t use a condom. I would go get check out just to be on the safe side. You could report him to the University as well if you wanted. I appreciate you sharing your story. We are always here id you need us text VOICE to 741741 we will listen. Much love
    Kristin

  15. Jacqui

    You are so brave for telling your story. Thank you for doing that. Even though you are so open about it, it can still be difficult to deal with. Are you interested in going to therapy? Is there anyway we can help you? I was very open at first about what happened to me, but I ended up needing therapy later just to cope with it all. It doesn’t make anyone weak. So if you find yourself there, it’s okay. But everyone’s story is different. And we are here to help you however we can.
    You are really strong and what happened to you wasn’t your fault. You should be able to have someone over and not expect that to happen. If you went to his dorm, then you wouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry that your friend said that to you. You telling your story will definitely help others to tell theirs.

  16. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for that that person did to you. He had no right to do what he did, you didn’t deserve it, and I promise it wasn’t your fault. Letting him in to your dorm room is not consent to sex. It’s infuriating what he texted you, because it is so far from the truth and from reality. I am also sorry for how your friends responded to you-you deserved more support than that. Is there anything else more we can do to help you? Please let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin

  17. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, elisabettap. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Your friends are wrong, this was not your fault at all. He forced himself on you without consent and that is rape. On top of that you felt like your life was in danger. No one deserves that, no one asks for that. Inviting someone into your dorm is not an open invitation for sexual violence. I’m sorry you don’t have more supportive friends, but I’m glad you came here because we support you and do what we can to help. Have you told your school or campus police what happened? This person sounds dangerous and it’s possible he could be doing this all over campus. If you don’t feel like talking to anyone yet, that’s okay. But if you feel up to it, we can help get your in touch with some local resources or you can call 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) to contact RAINN and they can help you as well. Please keep us updated and let us know if there’s anything we can do. Remember, this was not your fault and you are not alone. We’re on your side.