Things have been a little back and forth lately.
I know recovery isnt a straight line, but right now feels like its barely a line at all. Like i swam so far out to see i cant see the shore anymore and i dont know which way to go.
Its not all bad, sometimes i can just float here and not worry about which way im supposed to go, what im supposed to do to “get better” – i can just exist for a while.
But sometimes i get seasick and id kill to see some dry land but i just cant find any and my legs and my arms are sore from swimming and i just wanna sit down but i cant figure out how or where.
things are so good – or they should be anyway. me and my boyfriend are seriously talking about moving in together, and we just got back from an awesome birthday trip to new orleans! everything is great!
or at least it should be.
i know he understands, but it just feels so awful when im not as sexually available to him as i want to be. I want to, but my body doesnt, and its hard to explain that its not personal why i dont want to do anything, but if my brains stuck in the wrong place it just cant happen.
at times, its almost like i need to be in a younger state of mind to have sex, like somehow my brain cant compute having sex as adult. even tho i enjoy it now that im older and its consensual, sometimes my brain doesnt get it, and its like trying to break your own arm, u /can/ do it, but u know u really really shouldnt and it hurts and everything in u says to stop before u do.
and i know he understands! he has his own trauma, i know he gets it, but i still feel like im doing something wrong when i tell him to stop, or im not in the mood, or its starting to hurt. and its so hard to tell him those things. i know he’ll stop when i say to, but i feel so wrong, like im breaking a law. i spent so long feeling like that was my only purpose, to let men fuck me, and now i know im with something who truly loves me and cares but its still so hard to rewrite my brain, to not feel like im a complete worthless waste of space because i had to stop before my boyfriend orgasmed. sometimes i cry when i have to make him stop, not from pain but just because i feel so completely worthless when i cant do the one thing that got drilled into my head to believe was all i was useful for.
but otherwise were fine! im just afraid that if i dont meet his sexual expectations he’ll leave me. i know he wont, i really really know he wont do that, but i cant help but fear it. my girlfriend i was with for five years cheated on me when i couldnt have sex very much for this same reason. im just so scared ill never have a healthy relationship with sex because of my past and that really sucks.
aside from that, ive also just been in a constant state of dissociation lately. im floaty all the time anymore, constantly zoning out and feeling like my head is void of any thoughts, my consciousness feels slow and sometimes like someone scratching a record, starting and restarting the same thought over and over, never able to quite think the whole thing, or thinking it past when ive processed the thought, like a second later i already forgot i just thought that already. i dont know.
ive been isolating a lot too. ive been physically with my boyfriend, but mentally ive felt so far away. ive barely spoken to my friends in weeks. i hide at work and pretend to be doing something important somewhere else but im usually in a bathroom playing sudoku on my phone cuz at least it can keep my brain focused on something and its easier to proccess numbers rather than feelings.
i dont know. i feel like im just coasting lately, like im just on autopilot.
i know part of it, looking back, is because one of my younger alters has been present a lot more lately, and thats causing some of the funk, but not all of it, cuz i know shes felt it a lot too.
some of i also think is this time of year. ive always know my symptoms get worse in autumn. ive heard of seasonal depression, but i dont think thats what this is. its not because its cold and i cant go out, it was 90 degrees here today, but something about the way the world looks this time of year puts me on edge.
which sucks because i love the fall! i love the trees, i love halloween, i love spooky stuff and pumpkin spice – but i just feel an incredible sense of dread looming over this entire season. itll go away in december usually.
sometimes i think it goes back to my trauma. i think i have some memories that take place during this time of year maybe? i know i used to have this reoccuring dream of running through that neighbors backyard during fall and jumping in a gigantic pile of leaves and the house was empty and the yard was beautiful and i remember i would wake up and think about how prettier that house would be if it were empty, and them the house was empty, but i never wanted to do that anymore.
i dont know. maybe im looking too far into it. it probably doesnt really matter.
its been a while since i saw my therapist, we went down to once a month but im starting to think im not ready anymore. i dont know. ill definitely tell her about all this when i see her next and probably ask to go back to every two weeks instead, but idk.
it just sucks knowing that theres nothing currently wrong at all and yet here i am feeling awful yet again.
happy birthday to me i guess ????