New health issues causes me stress

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In August I had to have a pacemaker to help my heart. It was beating about 35-40 beats a minute.

My mother who lives with me, constantly belittles me, insulting and condemning me for getting raped when I was 13, 40 years ago.

The pain has never completely gone, and now I have a little bump where the pacemaker is, it itches, other times it hurts mildly, but mostly it makes me feel as a failure, cause physically I couldn’t make it.

I can only hope for a brighter future, and hopefully find out how I can heal.


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54 comments

  1. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so sorry that happened to you 40 years ago and I’m sorry that your mother has failed to support you in the ways that you both need and deserve. You are not failure. Nothing that happened to you is your fault and you are not lesser because you needed a pacemaker. There is no shame in using technology to help us. There is no shame in needing help in general either. None of us can get through life entirely alone. We all need help.

    You are not weak. Quite the opposite. You are incredibly strong. You have held onto this pain for 40 years, all while not getting the support you deserve from your mother. You have weathered storm after storm and most importantly: you’re still here. You have continued to fight and you have made it here. Not only that, but you have reached out to our community to get more support. What that tells me is that you haven’t given up. You’re still fighting and you’re still trying to make your life better. Why else would you share your story now? You aren’t a failure. You are a fighter. You aren’t weak. You are strong. Keep going. You can still be happy and healthy. A pacemaker won’t stop you from doing that.

    Do you have any experience with therapy? There are also additional resources under our “Find Help” tab. We are here to help. You are not alone. We know you can continue to perservere. Your strength is truly inspiring. Stay strong and please let us know how else we can help. Wishing you the best.

  2. jcastle38 Volunteer

    Hi,
    I am so sorry you had to get a pacemaker given your heart problems. And I am very deeply sorry that your mother makes you feel this way about something that you never wanted to happen.. You are very strong for talking about it, and talking is a great path to healing. You’re not a failure. I hope your health progresses and that things with your mother get better, I hope she realizes all that you have survived through. Sending you lots of love.

    -Jocelyne

  3. laurenp34 Volunteer

    Hey!
    You are so strong for living with a heart condition and for all the trauma you have endured. Your mother may not understand your pain and your trauma, and it’s also very possible that she’s projecting onto you. It’s frustrating and unfair, though, that she is blaming you for something that was 100% not your fault, and then making you feel worse about yourself. You don’t deserve any of it, and you definitely don’t deserve to feel like a failure for things that are completely out of your control. I hope that you are able to heal and find peace.
    Sending love,
    Lauren

  4. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    It’s awful that your mother is berating you for what happened. It may be that she feels she couldn’t protect you and is projecting her feelings onto you, but it doesn’t excuse her behavior. You weren’t at fault, and you will never be at fault for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve it, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. You’re not a failure for needing a pacemaker. You can’t control how your heart is beating, and I’m glad you could seek help for your heart. There’s nothing wrong with you for seeking help, and I hope you can adjust to the pacemaker with time. Could you look into counselors or therapists in your area? I agree with the volunteers who suggested the Find Help tab.
    Thank you for writing back to us. We’re here to support you, and we believe in you. You can write back whenever you like; we’re happy to hear about you and how you’re doing.

  5. Mahsadib Volunteer

    Hello hello,
    I know how difficult it is to deal with a health problem when you’re not in the best head space. Have a conversation with your mother and explain your situation to her, and tell her how she makes you feel and why what she does is not right. If protecting your mental and physical health requires you to move out or to get some space from your family members, that is totally fine and normal because sometimes you have to do what is best for you. Focus on yourself and talk to your doctor to help you practice positive habits that would improve your health. Move forward with a positive mindset. I have learned in my psychology class that when you are mentally healthy, your body tries its best to function better. I believe in you, and you should believe in yourself and your progress!!

    Sending you love and joy,
    Mahsa

  6. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there focus.1968,

    I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I am sorry that your mom is not being the support that you need. Having a pacemaker doesn’t make you a failure. I see you as strong. You are making the best decisions that you can for your health, and that is a strength. I believe you do have a bright future, and I hope that we can be there for you and help you along the way. Stay strong, and thank you for sharing.

    Best,
    Carmen

  7. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    I’m sorry that you feel like a failure, because you are absolutely not. I’m sure it doesn’t help you if your mother keeps saying things to you that make you feel that way. That’s probably very frustrating that she says that to you so many years later, even while you let her live with you. You don’t deserve that and she should not be constantly reminding you about what happened so many years ago but that is still painful no matter the amount of time that has passed. Have you been able to talk to a therapist about everything and what you are continuing to deal with? I think it could help. But you should definitely talk to your doctor about the pacemaker and the pain and itching it causes – maybe there is something that could done to alleviate that for you? It’s definitely worth asking. Please reach out to us whenever you feel like it.

  8. Lex Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing with us again. I am sorry that your mother belittles and insults you for what happened to you. You do not deserve to get treated like that at all. You deserve someone who will support you and bring you up when you are feeling down. I am sorry that the pacemaker is making you feel like a failure. You are not a failure at all, you are a fighter. It takes a lot of courage to go through a surgery like that.

    Please come back and share with us whenever! We are here for you, always!
    – Lex

  9. adrian Volunteer

    Hey, focus.1968-

    It’s positive that you were able to have a pacemaker implanted to help your heart stay strong. It sounds difficult to deal with, but maybe you’ll become accustomed to the new feels. If anything, your doctor could possible support you through your new journey. It’s tough that the pacemaker makes you feel like a failure, but know that each step- whatever it is or how big it is- is a step in the right direction toward healing. It’s positive that you are hoping for a brighter future! We’re here to support you take those steps toward healing.

    Keep fighting the good fight!

    Take care,
    Adrian

  10. t3nnis_player18 Volunteer

    Hi focus 1968,
    You are not a failure because you got a pacemaker, you are a strong survivor. I am sorry you went through what you did because no one should have to go through it. Your mother should be a part of the solution not the problem, it is not right. I am glad you felt you could trust AVFTI with your pain and struggles, and we are here to help you along your healing journey as best we can. Thank you for your strength in sharing your story with us.

  11. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry for what happened with your mom. Getting a pacemaker doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you a survivor and a warrior. My grandpa had a pacemaker and it helped him live a very long life. I’m sorry it itches and sometimes hurts. Maybe that is something that you can talk to your doctor about maybe there is something they can give you to help you with the itchiness or hurting. Thank you for updating us. It’s always good to hear from you!
    -Alyssa

  12. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing with us, and I’m sorry to hear about the new health issues that you’ve been having. Like the others have said below, you are definitely not a failure. Surgical procedures can often be scary, and you are so strong for getting through it. Additionally, I am sorry to hear about how your mother is treating you. You do not deserve to be treated that way, and I hope your situation gets better. Wishing you the best, brightest, and healthiest future! Please feel free to come back anytime and share.

  13. haesol Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing. The procedure sounds scary but I’m glad it’s working. I’m sorry that your mother isn’t giving you the support you deserve and is instead hurting you. What you went through when you were 13 was not your fault, and you didn’t deserve it. You’re not a failure; you’re here today sharing this story with us and it shows how brave you’ve been for so long and continue to be so.

    Healing is different for everyone, it’s a path that’s not always linear and that it paves along as you go. I hope you embrace this journey at your own pace and find the healing you deserve. We are here to support you along the way. Let us know if there’s anything else we can do to help.

    Stay safe.

  14. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for updating us. It doesn’t sound like living with your mother is causing you stress, especially if she constantly belittles and insults you. You deserve to have people who support and validate you. We’re with you in hoping for a brighter future. Please let us know if there’s anything we can help you with in your journey towards healing.

  15. Chloe-Barnett Volunteer

    Hey focus.1968, I am very sorry to hear about your recent medical issues and hope that you may start to feel better. I am sorry about the way your mom acts towards you but I want you to know that what happened to you when you were 13 is NOT your fault whatsoever. It does take a lot of time for the healing process and everybody griefs differently about the topic. I know it may not sound great but maybe the way your mom acts towards you is her way of getting through and that should not be the way that she needs to heal properly so maybe she also needs some help during this. Going through such a traumatic event like that causes PTSD in some individuals and it is harder some days than others but you just have to remember that you are not a victim but a survivor and that you are strong and you are enough. You are nt in this fight alone and there are plenty of us here to help you and to get you the resources that you may need. I hope that you may start to heal and know that we are here for you anything we can do to help in this process of healing.

  16. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello focus.1968,

    I am so sorry to hear about your recent procedure. That certainly sounds scary, but I am glad you’re alright now. I hope you know that you are not a failure, in fact quite the opposite. You’re a fighter, as it takes a lot of bravery to undergo a procedure like that. I know things must be hard right now and you’re mother living with you sounds like it could be making it worse. But you do have a brighter future ahead!

    You are always welcome to come back too and share more, and we will support you any way we can!

  17. DY17654 Volunteer

    HI focus. 1968

    I appreciate your strength in sharing your story.

    The fact that you had a pacemaker put in, and that your beautiful soul is still with us is something to be celebrated. You deserve to be heard for what happened to you and to be supported. A family member is someone who we should be able to confide in during our toughest of times and to hear that your mother didn’t provide that is disheartening. What happened to you in both aspects of your life is not your fault and I can tell your a fighter. I hope you continue to talk to people and share your story. I understand the self doubt and negative reflections we think we see in the mirror, but you’re not a failure and our FIND HELP resources is a great way to help you to realize that. I wish all the best and hope to hear from you down the road.

    Dustin

  18. musicislove

    Hi focus.1968,

    I’m so sorry your mom is making you feel bad about something that wasn’t your fault at all, that’s unfair and you shouldn’t have that pain on you. Healing is such a long process it’s okay if what happened still affects you, our Find Help tab has a ton of great resources to help you connect with someone to start working on healing. I also hope that the pacemaker has been successful and has helped you start to feel better! I have a battery in my chest for a brain stimulator and it used to itch all the time! It’s been there for about 2 1/2 years and it doesn’t itch very often anymore, so I hope that aspect gets better soon. Thank you for the update and please come back anytime, we’re always here for you.

    Delaney

  19. palltaruo Volunteer

    focus.1968,

    You’re incredibly strong and you have a lot of courage for telling your story. It sounds like you still have a lot of fight in you and want a way to process the event. I’m so sorry that your mom, someone we feel should encourage us, puts you down for something that wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve what happened to you and your mother’s condemnation.

    Healing looks different for everyone, and it sounds like the pacemaker is a positive step in helping you heal from the trauma. Seeking help to physically support yourself is difficult but you did it for your own wellbeing, and for that I admire you! I hope you find the resources you need to heal and know that we are here to listen and support you in your journey.

    Best wishes,
    palltaruo

  20. AlisonDKaufman

    Hello focus.1968:

    I hope you are physically feeling better since the pacemaker was put in, that should help your breathing and energy level. I am truly sorry you are not receiving the support from your mother you deserve no one should be treated in such a manner especially when you are going through such a traumatic event. None of this, from your pacemaker to the rape, makes you a failure! I hope someday soon you are able to realize that – the person who attacked you is a failure in life and your body simply needed a little bit of support.

    I would like to recommend utilizing our FIND HELP resources to get the support you need to work through the attack, doesn’t matter how long ago it may have been. They would also be able to provide coping mechanisms to process your mother’s behavior. Please know you will be accepted and support here always!

    Take care and 2021is a new year!
    Alison

  21. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hello focus.1968,
    I am sorry your mother belittles you and treats you that way. You do not deserve that at all. What happened was not your fault. Healing can take a really long time and I am sorry she doesn’t support you in a way that you deserve. The pacemaker does not define who you are and it certainly does not make you a failure. Your heart just needed a little help and that is totally okay. You are powerful and strong! I hope that this year brings you healing!

  22. chompyapple1 Volunteer

    Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry that your mother treats you so horribly about traumatic event and you are not a failure. Having a pacemaker is not a sign of weakness nor does it mean you’re a failure. Is there anyone else in your family or in general you can confide to? We’re here to support you anytime and we have resources for help under the Find Help tab. Take care and stay strong!

  23. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    You are definitely not a failure! That is something not under your control and is certainly not your fault; I am sorry to hear that your mother is not supporting you the way family should through that trauma. We are always here for you to help and support in any way we can; stay strong <3

  24. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thanks for sharing with us. It is not okay the way your mother treats you about the rape you suffered. You do not deserve that. Do you have anyone supportive that you can talk to? We’re here for you anytime also.

    Having a physical ailment is in no way a indication of your strength or worth. You’re not a failure for needing a pacemaker. If anything, I think it shows your resilience.

    KatherineL

  25. colton95 Volunteer

    I’m really sorry for what happened to you, and the fact that your mother is not being the unconditionally caring and supportive parent that she should be is horrifying. I hope that she’ll learn that what she is saying to you is really hurtful and realize the error of her ways. Stay safe and strong!

  26. tania Volunteer

    Hello focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing! I am so sorry to hear your mother belittles you instead of supporting you. I understand how difficult that can be to say something and be vulnerable and for them to not show you the support you deserve. Just remember we are here to support you through it all and are always willing to listen and help in any way! I am also sorry to hear about your health. It is okay to step back and take care of yourself! The little things you do can help to make a big impact on your life.

    Tania

  27. alexiswilliams

    Focus.1968,

    I am so sorry that you have endured these things. Please be reminded always that you did not ask for or deserve your trauma, and it’s completely unfair for anyone to think that way. I know how stressful health issues can be, you are not alone. Try and take care of yourself and spend less time with your mother. Write again whenever you need, you are safe here.

    Sending love, hope, and healing,
    Lex

  28. Neesha Volunteer

    I breaks my heart to hear that your mother insults you and blames for something that happened when you were a minor. I don’t know the details of your rape, but I confidentially say it is not your fault. Your medical conditions are not indication of being a failure or a success. Life is life and I am grateful that there a medical technology that can help you. You so so deserve a healthy and supportive environment.

    There are online support groups and online therapy. Check out the resources tabs and see if anything resonates with you.

  29. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey there, focus.1968,

    What happened to you is not your fault, and it’s terrible that your mother puts that blame and hurt on you. You deserve to heal in a positive environment. You aren’t a failure for needing a pacemaker–we all need a little extra help sometimes, and that might mean having some medical procedures. It’s very valid that you feel this way about your newfound health situation, and I hope that you are able to start to heal, also! If you are able, I recommend seeing a therapist (virtually or otherwise!) to give you some advice on that healing journey. You are powerful even when you don’t feel like it. Come back any time you want to talk, and we’ll be here for you!

  30. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry that you’ve been treated so poorly by your mother, no one deserves that and it’s not your fault. I’m also sorry to hear about the pain. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be and you show true resilience. It sounds like you’ve been trying your best with what’s been given to you, but you shouldn’t have to go through this alone. We are here for you if you need someone to talk to about everything that’s been going on; don’t hesitate to reach out. Take care, and stay strong.

    Best,
    Rachel

  31. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    I’m so sorry to hear that your health issues have become a big source of stress. It’s so frustrating when our bodies aren’t able to function seamlessly. Your mother is wrong to belittle and insult you. What happened when you were 13 wasn’t your fault and she has no right to suggest that it was. Everyone’s body is different. Just because yours needed a little help from a pacemaker doesn’t mean it’s a failure. Think of all the amazing things it can do! It’s frustrating to feel physical pain but I know you’ll be able to work through it. It takes time for the body and the mind to heal. We will be here for you through both!

    Stay strong,

    T

  32. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,
    It is good to hear from you again. I am sorry to hear that you are having health issues and that you had to have surgery. This does not make you a failure; it makes you a fighter!! Generational trauma and surviving trauma causes health issues for many biological reasons. Your body is hanging on and fighting to keep going. Take care of yourself<3
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  33. ryannlashea Day Captain

    Hi, I am sorry to hear about your health issues. I hope you get to feeling better soon. I am also sorry that your mom is doing that. You did not deserve that and you did nothing wrong. You are so strong and brave. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your journey.

  34. rebabyblue Volunteer

    Hello focus.1968

    I am so sorry to hear about your health issues, please do not take your mum personally, you are not responsible for what happened to you in your past.
    Thank you for sharing this, you are so strong.
    I am sure the future will be brighter and good luck with healing.

    Rebeka

  35. morganndelacruz

    Hi, Focus 1968,

    Thank you so much for sharing, I am truly sorry about your health, and it’s not where you want it to be. It is truly heartbreaking that your own mother is not understanding your situation and where you are coming from. What happened to you does not define who you are and is it not ever your fault. If you need anything or someone to just talk to, I am here and this amazing organization is here and has amazing resources to help you along down the road. 🙂

  36. Starling Volunteer

    Hi Focus.1968,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I’m sorry that your health is not the best right now. It must be very upsetting to have your mother treat you like that. What happened in the past wasn’t your fault, and your mother shouldn’t insult you like that over it. I hope you’re able to adjust to your pacemaker soon, and that things start to look up. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  37. meg Volunteer

    Hi Focus.1968!

    Thank you for sharing your story and feelings with us. I am sorry to hear about your health. How are you feeling today? You are not a failure. What happened to you, isn’t your fault. I am sorry your mother keeps putting the blame on you. I bet that isn’t easy to hear.. no matter what she says, it isn’t your fault. For the pain you’re feeling, is it physical? Do you feel comfortable talking to your doctor about it? As for the mental pain and emotional pain, please consider talking to a therapist if you don’t have one already! It’ll help you find ways to handle the pressure your mother is placing on you. If you need assistance finding one, check the FIND HELP tab for resources!

    Please keep us updated on how you’re doing. We are here for you.
    -Meg

  38. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing with us. I am glad you were able to get a pacemaker and I hope that has helped you feel better. I do not think you are a failure because of this. You are so much more than that! it is not your fault that your heart needs a little help, it can happen to anyone. I am sorry that your mother is not being supportive of what happened to you even so long ago. You deserve support even on the hardest days! I also hope for a brighter future for you! Always remember we are here for you! you are an inspiration to me as in the face of hard times, you choose to be hopeful. Keep pushing through! You got this!

    -Natalie

  39. snandi2 Volunteer

    Hey focus.1968,
    I’m sorry that your mother is verbally insulting you and making you feel bad about yourself. Just because you have a pacemaker absolutely does not mean that you’re a failure. It’s not your fault that any of this happened to you and if anything, getting a pacemaker proves what a fighter and strong individual you are. Instead of giving up, you’re choosing to make the decision to wake up and fight through the pain of the pacemaker everyday. Please don’t hesitate to check out our “Find Help” tab, it has some resources that may help you find out how you can heal from everything you’ve been through. You have a safe space here at AVFTI and we’re here to help you as much as possible.

  40. Lex Volunteer

    Hello focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing with us again! I am so sorry that your mother is belittling and insulting you, you do not deserve that, especially over something that was not your fault. You are not a failure for needing a pacemaker! You are a strong person! A fighter! You are helping your heart get the extra help it needs. Our Find Help tab at the top of our website has amazing resources that may help you on your journey towards healing.

    Wishing you an amazing 2021. Stay strong, and update us whenever you like! We are here for you, always!
    -Lex

  41. sarahj Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,
    Sorry to hear about the pacemaker and your mother’s behavior. No one deserves to be treated so poorly. Please know that no matter what your mother says — or how your heart beats.. you are not a failure. You are an incredibly strong person. I hope you find the brighter future you deserve and that healing find its way to you. Know that we are always here to listen, come back any time. Sending you love and support – sarahj

  42. jao1820 Volunteer

    Hey Focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing with us. Im sorry your mother is belittling you for a traumatic experience you had no control over. I know how frustrating it is for a parent to not be understanding, especially when we typically come to them for support. Have you tried talking to a therapist or another trained professional? If youre looking other other resurces please dont hesitate to look at our FIND HELP page. Stay strong!

    – J.A.O.

  43. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey focus.1968,

    Thanks for sharing with us again. I’m sorry your mother is treating you so badly. You didn’t deserve the treatment when you were 13, and you don’t deserve it now. You didn’t do anything wrong. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a failure. You’re a fighter, really. Your heart (an extremely vital and necessary organ!!) wasn’t working correctly and you’re still upright? That’s amazing! There’s no shame in needing a little bit of help sometimes. Everyone needs help!

    Please be gentle with yourself. Healing takes time. You do have a bright future ahead of you. Keep your eye on the prize!
    Marissa

  44. timms_andrew Volunteer

    Hey Focus.1968,
    I am sure the experiences you have gone through have been difficult for you. I know it can be frustrating to be belittled, insulted, and condemned, even though you had no control over the situation you were placed into. I also understand how having a pacemaker could make you feel like a failure. I know how difficult it can be to see other people around you doing something effortlessly even though you need additional help. Although I know that everything you are going through is very difficult, I am proud of you for how you are handling the situation! When you were having issues with your heart, you decided to seek help instead of possibly facing fatal health issues associated with a slow heartbeat. Even though you have been experiencing belittlement from your mother about your experiences, it takes a lot of courage to seek help and be vulnerable and honest about your experiences with others. Asking for help can be a very difficult thing to do, and I’m proud of you for doing something that takes so much humility and courage. If you do feel you would like more help, and are looking for some additional steps to take, the find help tab at the top of the website can be a great resource!

  45. Mary Ella Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for this update! I am sorry to hear that your mother is belittling you for something that you had no control over. That must be very frustrating and lonely because parents are supposed to be there for us and support us, especially after such a traumatic experience. I am glad that you have a pacemaker to help your heart, but I want to remind you that you are not a failure! Having a pacemaker does not make you any less of a person. I hope the pain and discomfort from your pacemaker gets better as time goes on.

    There are many resources available on Find Help, and they might be able to redirect you to different paths towards your healing. Feel free to share and update us on anything! I hope this new year brings you more healing, and we are always here for you.

    Mary

  46. Breanna Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thanks for trusting us with your experiences. I can definitely relate to how health stuff can cause stress and anxiety, and I know we are not the only ones. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with these health issues, but getting them checked out sooner rather than later is typically best. And I’m sorry your mother is treating you that way. You are so strong for making it through that rape. The trauma from those experiences can last a while, so remember to be kind to yourself. I hope for brighter future and for healing for you as well. Keep your chin up.

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre

  47. zelda Volunteer

    Hi, Focus! Welcome back to AVFTI; it’s nice to hear from you again. I’m sorry your mother is insulting you, and I’m sorry about your health situation. Is there anything we can do to help you? I don’t know what you are doing to take care of yourself, but we provide some resources in the Find Help section of the community if you are ever curious. Also, there are some articles on here that you may enjoy reading. They might provide some relief, as well as some comfort. You are not alone.

    The past year has been extremely difficult, in more ways than one. However, we are in the start of a brand new year! There’s a lot of hope and excitement that can come along with it. What makes me feel better is writing out resolutions I want to accomplish, both simple and complex. For me, accomplishing goals makes me feel lighter. For other people, it might be spending time with their dog or curling up on the couch to watch a good movie.

    Healing yourself doesn’t always have to be about the traumas of your past or present. Sometimes, it can just simply be about relaxation and fun for yourself.

    In whatever you do in this new year, I do hope that you can find peace. You didn’t deserve what happened 40 years ago, and you don’t deserve what’s happening now.

    Come back anytime. We enjoy your updates, and we always look forward hearing from you.

  48. lizzi

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you’re going through right now with your health and your mom. It sounds like things are really difficult right now for you. I’m glad you were able to get a pacemaker, as it sounds like your heart was really struggling to function correctly. It’s not your fault your heart wasn’t working effectively. You had no control over that. I was born with a hole in my heart that causes some problems (worsening with stress), but it’s not like I did anything to cause my heart to have that defect. I can imagine the pain and itching can be quite irritating, and I wonder if there’s something your doctor can do to relieve some of that. It’s not right for your mother to belittle you for any reason, but especially an assault that you had no control over. You were assaulted. That’s not your fault and you shouldn’t be condemned or shamed for that. I bet it’s hard to share a home with someone that treats you that way, and I wonder if talking to her about how you feel would make her stop. You’re going through a lot right now and I do hope for a brighter future for you as well, as you deserve to be happy and free of all this stress.

  49. Winstonsmom Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story on here, I know it can be hard to open up. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with health issues, trauma, and mom issues right now, I can imagine that this can be overwhelming. What has happened to you is not your fault, and I’m sorry that your mother cannot be supportive to you. I am so proud of you for persevering, and holding onto hope for the future. In the mean time, continue taking care of yourself and setting boundaries with your mother whenever possible (I know this is easier said than done, so stick to what is comfortable for you). Nothing about you is a failure, our health is often times out of our control and the important thing is that we get the care we need.

    Take care,

    Karli

  50. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Focus.1968,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are having trouble with your health and your mother. Remember, what happened to you was not your fault both in terms of the rape and your health. I think it was very brave of you to go ahead with the pace maker surgery. Even minor surgery can be scary. Healing takes time and it is different for everyone. You know what’s best for you. We are here for you! We believe you, we support you and we are happy to listen anytime you need to share something.

    All the best,
    Becca

  51. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi Focus.1968. It is good to hear back from you. I am sorry you are having some health issues, and that your mother is detrimental to your emotional health. People that do what are describing are not happy people. Usually they projecting how they feel about themselves onto you. Try turning that around once. Maybe your mom feels unworthy, small, a failure for not being able to protect you. Maybe she truly feels condemned for having a child who was raped. Maybe not. But an individual who is content with whom they are does not try to wound others with their words.

    The roles our family play in this, whether the rape/abuse was within the family unit or without is almost as hard to deal with as dealing with the perpetrator. It seems the hardest thing is to see things for what they truly were. We are either blaming our parents entirely, or we are spending copious amounts of time exonerating and defending them. Maybe it is the all for nothing thinking we have. Sometimes it is scarier to face the truth of the situation. And sometimes we know what is right but have been constantly programmed into believing that we are wrong. It can be terribly confusion.

    And abuse/rape is often multi-generational. Your mom may have her own story, and she may be projecting feelings she has about her own situation onto you. She may see you as a threat because you told about what happened to you. Who knows. It isn’t right for her to act that way. But you cannot change her behavior. All you can do is change how you react/respond to her behavior. That is sad too. We shouldn’t have to guard ourselves emotionally against the people who should be our biggest cheerleader and support. I’m sorry.

    The medical challenges sound tough too, but it also sounds like you are taking care of yourself and got that done. Keep pushing for you. If it seems like the time has gone by that you should be feeling better and you are not, go back to your cardiologist and discuss it with him/her.

    I hope you are feeling better soon. I wish for you a much better year, and peace with your mother. Good luck.

  52. pinksky92 Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m sorry that your mother belittles you. Her behaviour is not appropriate given she knows what you’ve been through. I hope that she can be sympathetic towards you in the future. Have you ever opened up about this to anyone? A family member? A friend? A therapist? I’m sorry that your health issues are making things much worse. I hope that things can get better for you and that you find comfort in sharing.

    Take care.

  53. Ashley Day Captain

    focus.1968,

    I’m sorry that you’re experiencing issues with your heart. I wish that your mother would stop placing blame on you for something you had no control over. Since the pacemaker is new, it’s understandable that it’s causing you to feel down right now.

    We’re here for you.

    Ashley

  54. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share. Taking care of your physical health is not weakness, especially during this pandemic. You need the pacemaker to help. And that is okay. I’m sorry you mother is still not being supportive and verbally berating you. You don’t deserve that. Please come back whenever you need more support.

    Erin