My story now… Read my before on my page..

My story now… Read my before on my page..

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So on January 3rd 2019 I wrote my story! The full story that happened to me and my opinions and overcomes afterwards.. However I still stand by my opinions 100% but my overcomes are a bit shakey..

So the March 3rd 2018 I got sexually assaulted. I thought I overcome it and became a surviver however I still feel like a victim. I still cannot bare to look at my own body no matter others looking at it, I still have to have someone with me at all times incase I see my assaulter, I cannot trust anyone no matter how much I try and say I trust them ext… 

I’m trying to be so strong but basically I’ve just got in a new relationship and I didn’t tell him what happened to me at first, he was asking loads of questions like why Im the way I am and why I constantly shake and so forth.. I didn’t know how to respond to any of the questions. How would I when I don’t know the answers myself? Then it got quite early in the morning and we started kissing, as most people in relationships do, and then he put his hand on the top of my thigh, then I saw the time! As soon as I saw the time I freaked out big time! I ended up throwing him off of me and I sat there in silence and frozen. He kept asking me if I was okay and what was wrong and if he hurt me and I just sat there like he wasn’t even there. I finally calmed myself down and apologised for everything and for how I retaliated ext and he accepted my apology. About 10-15 mins later we was just laid there in bed, no talking, no light off of our phones, just laid there in silence in the dark. Then he speaks.. “what happened?” I didn’t want to tell him because as soon as I say it out loud it’s real again,but he deserved to know with the way I acted out. So I told him and it didn’t faze him one bit. Then all he says is “this explains everything. The way you are, you always shaking when I come near you, and mainly your nervous twitches you do.” all I did was sit there in silence again and just scream at myself in my head for telling him.. I don’t trust him enough for him to know, its so early on in the relationship, I WORK WITH HIS DAD!! WHAT ID HE FINDS OUT OR EVEN TELLS SOMEONE! So all this is going through my head and he’s still speaking into my ear and I don’t hear a since word he’s saying to me.. Rude, I know, I thought that after but I couldn’t help it. 

I know it takes time for people to beable to get back out there and feel free and okay again and for a while I did too, but I’m not going to lie to anyone anymore.. You never forget, in not saying this to be horrible, I’m saying this because I’m not going to give you false hope. You never forget but eventually you will overcome! Just some people take longer than others but eventually we will! 

(If you don’t want this posted just let me know and I will figure out how to remove it. I know this page is for people to speak out and have a voice and feel safe again by letting people know and it does work. But I’m not going to give out false hope) 


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17 comments

  1. Amysue43 Volunteer

    You’re right. You don’t forget. It’s a memory, and it’s scary and creates some feelings that you wish weren’t there. What happened to you is not okay, nor will it ever be. Saying that it will is false hope; you’re right. However, that doesn’t stop you from working through it. You can work through it. You won’t forget, but you can work towards grasping the memory. You are making progress – everyone is. Simply posting here is making progress. Don’t give up.

    In terms of the reaction you got from the person you’re in a relationship with, it’s important to recognize that some of the material you decide to share can be hard for someone else to grasp. It seems that this person you’re involved with is trying to understand and that’s sometimes all you can ask for. He wants to be there for you and protect you – at least that should be his intention and you can check this by talking to him about it. By sharing your experience, you also have to ask for him to keep the information between the two of you. It’s a respect of privacy and I hope that you all have this conversation as talking about such, writing it down, etc can help you make progress. Obviously, this is all up to you but I hope that you feel reassured in the comments here that you are making progress and that it’s okay to talk about it.

    Stay strong <3

  2. Ashley Day Captain

    Thank you for taking the time to provide our community with an update, leah Sweeting!.

    I believe that you’re being honest about the healing process. After people work through the trauma associated with sexual violence, it’s not abnormal to think about what happened or to be fearful that it might happen again. With the latter in mind, it’s understandable that you have the desire to protect yourself by having someone near you and that it feels difficult to trust people.
    In regards to your new relationship, it’s okay that you didn’t tell him right away. After confiding in him, it sounds like you were in shock and it makes sense that you weren’t able to focus on what he was saying. When it comes to healing, there’s not a specific timeframe that needs to be followed.

    With time, you can definitely overcome this!

    Ashley

  3. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi leah Sweeting,
    I’m really sorry about what happened to you and that you’re struggling. Yet I’m proud of you for sharing your story with your partner. That takes so much courage. It’s not easy to let someone in, especially if trusting people hasn’t been easy for us in the past. It’s understandable that you’re scared of what could happen after telling someone. To me, it sounds like your partner is being supportive, which is good! I think it can help him understand how you feel about certain things, and it may improve communication between you both.
    Healing can be long, exhausting, and nonlinear. There may be a lot of ups and downs. On some days, you may feel like you’ve overcome it, and on others, it may not feel that way. How you’re feeling about this is valid, and it’s okay to talk about these things. It’s okay to talk about the hard times.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here for you – through the good and the hard times. If you need anything, please feel free to write back to us. You’ve got this, and I wish you luck with your new relationship!

  4. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi leah Sweeting!,

    Thank you for coming back and processing with us since you wrote your full story. Healing and recovery can be a long process but I can tell you are a very strong person and that things are going to get better for you. It’s nice that your boyfriend wasn’t fazed by your story and seems to be supportive of you. It’s helpful if he knows whats going on so he can help you work through things. Trusting people is hard but it helps when he knows whats going on so he can be there for you when you need to work through things. Everyone process through things at different speeds. We are all here for you to help in any way that we can.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  5. dzreid Volunteer

    Leah Sweating,
    Thanks for being brave enough to come back & share how you are doing. Recovery & healing take a long time & patience. It takes a lot to feel comfortable to share our stories with anyone. sometimes by sharing, we can become more free. In time it does get easier. Keep continuing on; you are worth it!
    Dawn

  6. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi leah Sweeting! ,

    Thank you so much for coming back and sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for everything you have been through and continue to go through. recovery takes time, especially having a new relationship at the same time as you are recovering. Please don’t hesitate to come back and talk to us if you need to, we are here for you.

    Shannon

  7. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there leah sweeting,

    Thanks for coming back and sharing this update with us. You’re always welcome to let your feelings out here. A lot of people have similar experiences following sexual violence–hyper-vigilance, fear, body shame, etc. These thoughts are valid, and you are not in the wrong for feeling them. Working with a therapist who specializes in trauma might help to kind of alleviate these feelings, if that’s something you’re interested in and are able to access! Our brains all process trauma differently, and sometimes a trained professional like a therapist can help to sort and work through the emotions that linger after an assault.

    Most importantly, keep treating yourself with kindness. As you said in your previous post, you are not to blame for what happened to you. Something that helps me is listing out 3 things that I’m grateful for each night. Finding self-care or self-soothing techniques that help keep you grounded may help you in processing those negative feelings. Self-care looks different for everyone and can take a while to find what works for you!

    You are very courageous for sharing your honest thoughts with us. I’m sending some good feelings your way!

  8. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there leah sweeting,

    Thank you for sharing your truth and honesty. Like you said, the path to recovery and happiness can be hard. I am not sure if it is possible to fully forget the past, either. I can tell you’re doing the best you can to continue on as safely as possible. It can be hard to navigate new relationships and hide how your brain reacts to things. Sometimes there is comfort in taking things day by day. If you ever need more immediate assistance, our friends at Crisis Text Line are there for you 24/7. You can reach them by texting VOICE to 741-741.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  9. Kayla Volunteer

    leah Sweeting!

    Thanks for coming back to AVFTI and sharing with us. You’re always welcome here to share your experiences, thoughts and feelings. We are here for you. Healing from trauma takes time, and patience and healing is also not always linear. Sometimes you feel better, and sometimes you don’t. This is normal and the most important thing is to be easy on yourself. You are right, you will never forget, but eventually you will overcome. Some people take longer but there is no timeline to healing. What are things you’ve done to help yourself heal? Even if it seems small, self care is really important. After telling your story, it’s normal for memories and feelings from your assault to come to the surface again. It’s important to recognize these triggers and to take care of yourself. I think it was a good thing that you were honest with your boyfriend. It opens up communication between you two, and sharing your story can help you to heal as well. Feel free to come back and share with us should you want or need. We are always here for you.

    Sending love,
    Kayla

  10. Megan Volunteer

    Hey leah Sweeting!,

    You are always welcome to share how you are feeling on here, no matter what that means. I’m sorry about what happened to you and that you are struggling with the after-effects. It is not uncommon to react the way that you do after experiencing sexual assault. I know it can be very scary opening up and sharing your story, but it does sound like your boyfriend is trying his best to be supportive and understanding, which is really awesome. If you would like some help working through what you’ve been through and trying to minimize some of the reactions and anxieties in your new relationship, it might be good to consider seeing a therapist. If you don’t already see one and you want to find one, we have a “find help” tab at the top of the page that could be useful.

    I know you are going through a lot right now, but you will get through this. I believe in you,
    Megan

  11. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi leah Sweeting!,

    You are always welcome to come and update us with how you are doing and how you are feeling! There is nothing wrong with how you described what you are going through right now. the healing process is not always as linear as we might like to think. There are ups and downs and turns. It rarely goes exactly how we want, but we always have the power to overcome and make changes for ourselves. I am sorry that you are feeling this way, but I think you have made some important steps in your healing process. I know it can be super scary to tell someone what happened to you, but with time that might get a little easier. Everyone’s journey is different! So take things at your own pace and take the next steps when you are ready! You are so incredibly strong for surviving and wanting to move forward with your life. We are here for you! You can overcome!

    -Natalie

  12. Lizzi

    Hey leah Sweeting!
    Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I think it’s important to hear other sides, and to speak the truth that the healing process isn’t easy or quick and you’re likely to not forget. It’s helpful to hear more sides so people struggling can find stories that resonate the most with them. I’m so sorry for what happened to you. New relationships after abuse are so hard because we don’t want to trust. Our brains and bodies somewhat shut down as a form of protecting ourselves. It took such strength to tell him what had happened to you, because you’re right, speaking things out loud makes them even more real again. I hope that he was understanding and supportive and someone that you can enjoy having in your life. I’m sorry that you’re still feeling like a victim, but I hope that you’re able to find some peace over time and feel more like a survivor. But healing is different for everyone and whatever you’re feeling is valid.

  13. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi leah Sweeting!,
    I don’t think there is any reason to take down your story. I think it is very brave and strong of you to be able to share this with everyone. I’m happy that your boyfriend was understanding and wasn’t phased. That is a good sign that he is there for you and wants to make you happy. I think that is great. Just take things at your own pace. If you aren’t ready for something, just let your boyfriend know and he will understand. If he doesn’t then he’s not the one, but he sounds like he does understand. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong. We are here for you if you need anything.
    -Alyssa

  14. musicislove

    Hi Leah,

    I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, no one deserves that. You’re sharing how you feel and that’s always okay. You have every right to not want your story getting out so if you’re worried maybe you should talk to him and let your partner know you told him that in confidence. Thank you for coming back, we’re here for you if you need anything.

    Delaney

  15. zelda Volunteer

    I’m in a new relationship myself and, while I’ve told him everything, I’ve had those same thoughts: it’s too soon, what if he tells someone, what will happen to our relationship now. But I can honestly say that I’m glad I told him because now he’ll be able to understand why I am the way I am, why I have triggers, and why we can’t do certain things in bed. I’m hoping that by opening up a dialogue, you and your partner can reach a level of understanding too. If that’s what you choose to do. We’re all here for you at AVFTI. And if you ever need anything, please feel free to reach out to me personally.

  16. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    You are always welcome to come back to share how you feel. I think what you’ve shared shows that we are more than just our initial telling of our story on this site, and that we are always recovering, growing, working to move on. And how difficult that can be. I think if you don’t want your new partner to tell anyone what you told them, you absolutely have a right to assert that. This is your story, and no one has a right to share that without your say so. Is there anything else we can do to help you? Let us know-we are here for you.

    Erin

  17. rkr18 Volunteer

    Leah Sweeting,

    Thank you for updating us. I understand that you never forget. Mine occurred over 30 years ago and I still remember. But what is different is that I am stronger and am using my experience to empower others who were abused. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. Healing takes time. If you don’t have a counselor, check our website. That was what helped me. Having someone listening to me and giving me guidance and never judging or blaming me. Be strong and god bless.
    -Marie